Father and Son

[crazyma]

Quote:
Originally Posted by crazyma
IMO
Tell them the next time they start that mess, you are going to just walk out.


"And what will that teach? It is okay to run away from your problems?"


Can you not see the difference???? At least I see one....

The fighting/arguments between the father and son are causing the OP major grief. Why should she have to be present while they battle it out? If she chooses to exit the scene for a breather, then she should....being present for these incidents might be adding fuel to the fire....everyone tends to play it up for an audience. If it simply eases her stress to temporarily remove herself until things calm back down, then why not? She can choose to not be a witness, based on how a situation might escalate.

IMO, Sending the son off to live elsewhere, withOUT a dedicated effort by all parties to try and rememdy the situation and keep the home intact might tell the son he isn't worth the effort. and if that part of the equation is removed, then why bother to to make the whole marriage/family dynamics better?? outta sight, outta mind??

Puffle, the willingness of your family to be seeking counseling help is very commendable. Husband and son must really love each other to agree to go. Hopefully that will speak volumes to each of them.It is not an easy thing to admit when we do need it... hope they will continue to work on their relationship. And that you be included in this too.
I guess you have your 'work' cut out for you. Must feel kinda odd being in the middle huh. It is so hard to want to protect our children but at the same time work on issues with the spouse. It is one thing for an individual to seek help, but ulimately the whole family being included is really important too. You know, everyone the same page kinda thing. It will be great if your family can become stronger together.

good luck !!

[mari4him]

Originally Posted by puffle

Thank you crazyma and mary4him. You were both very helpful in your responses.
The therapy session went very well yesterday and they were both able to express their desires and dislikes in their relationship and communication the changes they would like to see. Next week it will be the three of us.
The desire to be loved and approved of by a parent is so strong especially for a child, even when the parent is a jerk. My husband loves my son but what mary said about the father seeing things in his son that he does not like in himself is so true. My husband does project things onto my son but he knows this. My husband is going to a therapist as well but more for his own issues and ours. I have to go with him to that in a week as well. Where is my therapist? Here

That's half the battle won right there. In my situation, my ex does not see this or if he does outright rejects the notion altogether. Despite how many people have told him, including a therapist he denies it and starts the pity party of "oh yeah sure of course fine I'm a bad father that's what everyone wants to believe". Even our daughter once told him that the problem between him and our son was that they were so much alike, both stubborn, both hard headed and neither easily accepting that they could be wrong. My ex outright rejected this notion and flat out told our daughter that he and our son were absolutely nothing alilke. Pfftt... okay.

My son has fought for his father's approval for years. Actually, even for anything attention wise that would cause him to feel his father actually cared about him as an individual. My ex refuses to see this. All he see's is I do care our son just doesn't want to see it and I can't make him so I'm not even going to try. Literally, those were his words. I tried to explain that perception is everything in life and regardless of whether it was true or not, this was our son's perception and that he couldn't just give up, but as a father had to keep reaching out to his son until his son finally got it. My ex refused and to a large extent continues to. My son has done pretty much all the reaching out and a lot of times has come back empty handed. He's finally kinda given up to an extent.

In a way, it totally saddens me that this is where my son is at. In another way, I'm kinda relieved he has reached that point. At least now he is starting a bit more to make the right choices for himself, not trying to get his dad's approval or acknowledgment, just for himself. I can't tell you the number of things that occured in my son's life, a lot of which I, and many other's that helped me through it, attribute to his crying out for his father.

So it is good that your husband acknowledges that he projects his own failures and disappointments in himself upon your son. It is also good that he is willing to go through therapy with your son. These are all positive steps in the right direction. I will keep your family in my prayers.

[puffle]

My son is my heart and I hate the thought of him having difficulties in his life because of a damaged relationship with his dad. I had and still have turbulent times with my father who is very self absorbed and pig headed. My way or the highway type of thinking. It certainly helps living 3000 miles away. I never want my son to feel that he has to "getaway" or that he should be sent away. One day at a time my friends.