Help - 3 Year Old Aggression

[formercalifornian]

Please allow me to second (or third) the point about your husband's influence. Why do you think it is your job to protect him from your son's aggressiveness? Unless there's more to this story than you've written, I suspect he's capable of handling things, and his words and actions, along with yours, are essential to turning this situation around. Make sure you're both on the same page. Consistency is key.

[phonelady61]

If he is inflicting pain on you may I suggest you inflict some pain of your own right on his behind . I never tolerated biting ,kicking , spitting or any of that . that my dear is just a plain ole tantrum and should never be tolerated . The time outs are obviously not working and something needs to be done before he bites you and breaks the skin . If he is allowed to continue this behavior he will carry it into day care or kindergarden and then the real trouble will start if he bites another child and makes that child bleed . I would seriously giving him a couple of swats on his behind . Nothing is wrong with a little spanking on the behind . good luck .

[formercalifornian]

If he is inflicting pain on you may I suggest you inflict some pain of your own right on his behind . I never tolerated biting ,kicking , spitting or any of that . that my dear is just a plain ole tantrum and should never be tolerated . The time outs are obviously not working and something needs to be done before he bites you and breaks the skin . If he is allowed to continue this behavior he will carry it into day care or kindergarden and then the real trouble will start if he bites another child and makes that child bleed . I would seriously giving him a couple of swats on his behind . Nothing is wrong with a little spanking on the behind . good luck .

While I'm not completely anti-spanking, punishing aggression with aggression is likely to exacerbate the situation by teaching him that striking out is an acceptable response to frustration. Three-year-olds model adults. I strongly believe that giving him violence to emulate is a mistake.

I actually like the idea of leaving the situation when things start to spiral out of control, especially if you're having a hard time staying calm. I've often told my children that I need a time out to regain my composure when their misbehavior threatens to undo me. It gives all of us a chance to settle down before we say or do something we'll regret.

I suspect that you may be giving up on time-outs too early. Those first few can go on for hours, but eventually they're effective. Stick with it. And, by all means, immediately remove any toy he uses as a weapon, and don't give it back! If he asks for it later on, remind him that because he chose to use it violently, he also chose for you to take it away from him to keep everybody safe. I would also advocate making expectations for the child's behavior very clear by telling him what is going to happen if he cannot control himself, and stick with your promises. Praise his efforts at good behavior, and tell him frequently that you are confident in his ability to keep his temper from getting the best of him.

Hang in there!

[KennysMom]

Hi everyone - funny this thread has been resurrected. Things have improved but we're still working hard on all of it. We've been working with our pediatrician. One of the things I didn't tell everyone is that my son has a terrible time w/sleeping & has since the day we came home from the hospital - he's just not a sleeper. Our pediatrician recommended us to a neurologist and a pyschologist. We have completed a sleep study - official diagnosis - three separate sleep disorders (parsomnia, confusional arrousels, and disrupted sleep architecture). So, that is playing a part in it all at some level, the other thing playing into, we believe, is an attachment disorder. We're going to see a pediatric pyschologist at the end of the month - we'll see. If I could walk away from that learning how to teach him how to manage his anger and frustration - I will be completely happy. At the end of the day, I really believe most of this is just who he is....The biting, kicking, and throwing have improved quite a bit - through consistent behavior on my part but has not been easy - and I suppose that's why everyone says being a parent is the hardest job in the world.

For what it's worth, I've been down the route of spanking,etc.. But - that was something that was very shortlived because as a previous poster said - it only made things worse - you hurt me, I hurt you...so that was stopped very quickly.

And as for the throwing of things - our path of consistency has left Kenny with very few toys left in his room. Most have been taken away from him and not returned. Reality - he only cares in the moment that you are taking it away. After that, out of sight, out of mind and he really doesn't care. The only one he has started asking about, and just recently, is his Thomas track and trains. I haven't given them back, but I did tell him I'd think about it.

[chocotot]

I just wanted to zoom in on what you said about choice, I have read and have found it to be true with my independent three yr old that too much choice overwhelmes him, some little choices; like between two options that you set, is fine but for the most part they need to know that you DO know what is best for them, also it help disolve illusions of who is really in control. The child will be upset at first when choices start getting taken away, but it wont be long before they are used to it and are responding much more calmly to your authority. What I would say over and over was "No honey, it's not choice time right now" maybe followed with "later after we wake up from nap time it will be choice time." Find a phrase that works for you, soon when he hears it he will know you mean it.