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I will third martial arts. My son suffers from severe anxiety, and with patience and persistence he started to go. It was his idea, but he freaked the first class. We kept going, just watching and now he loves it. He is so much more confident in a few weeks. Today he even started talking to some of the boys, which he was too shy to do before.
Any advice? And it doesn't help matters that he has a brilliant 8 year old brother with such social skills....such life in him...that his brother stands out in any situation.......he has such confidence in himself....and his brother also in tall (in the 95% for his age for height and 90th for weight)....while I can't say his brother exceeds his academic ability because of the difference in age range...his brother doesn't have to work and has already reached some kind of academic acheivement (the only one out of 200 some second grade students in my school to get a "6" on the district wide writing test (highest grade)....one of 8 second grade students in the school to get the highest reading grade on a district test, and 1 of 5 to get the highest online math district test......
I find this statement to be a little telling.
Do you think your 13 year old picks up on your glowing attitude towards your younger son, and your disdainful attitude towards him?
Just let him be. I'm surprised at the rush to diagnose this child with a disorder. I myself, along with many friends I had over the years were shy and not liking things like sports. I got better at socializing in High School, and things were great once I was out of school all together.
Popularity is not everything.
Just let him be HIM instead of what you want him to be, his little brother. Write a paragraph about HIS positive traits. Praise HIM for being who he is.
My oldest (stb 15) would play "Beside" other kids and would interact but would not seek interaction. Son was/is not a follower... but neither is he a leader.... he is an independant. He is just now (as a freshman in High School) inviting kids over. A kid he inviited over to "jam" (son is trying to start a band) is a senior. While Son will never be the life of the party he will be happy with himself. Son did karate and baseball for a year and scouts for 6 months... all around age 8-10. He absolutely refused to do any toher activities until last year and he discovered 80's rock..... now he wants to be the next Mick Mars. He has his friends and he is uncomfortable with them combining (church friends meeting school friends). He had to figure out for himself where he fit before he would bring kids home.
My youngest boy.... he has ASD (Autistic Spectrum Disorder). He is a perfectly functioning little boy. He doesn't seem to need or want to interact with kids outside of school. If there are kids there (cousins and friends of mine who bring their kids over) he is happy to play beside or with them. He does not seek social situations. I tried to get him in scouts, but he doesn't want to. He does take Karate. He, like your son, is small for his age, fair hair, fair skin, and skinny. He gets good grades, but sometimes he has to struggle.... especially in comprehension.
What I am trying to say it this could be just the way your child is, or it could be that he can have a social disorder. To rule out the latter; contact the child's pediatrition, mention aspergers specifically. Have the school councelor evaluate him. If nothing comes of this, let the boy be who he is. He may be a late bloomer, he may just like share his own company. DO correct social mistakes (privately).
Do you think your 13 year old picks up on your glowing attitude towards your younger son, and your disdainful attitude towards him?
I think I am a better parent than your words up above portray me to be (..."glowing attitude"...."disdainful attitude"). I reread all that I wrote....and obviously...at least to all except for you...I did not show an ounce of "disdainful attitude"- definition: I feel contempt for them or feel that they're unworthy or inferior. The first 6 paragraphs are full of facts. The 7th is just about my worries.....due to what I had witnessed in highschool.
Just because I wrote some comments about my youngest makes you feel I have a disdainful attitude towards my oldest? That, IMO, is ridiculous. I posted comments. I wouldn't say "oh, why can't you be like your brother"....."oh, isn't Zachary (the youngest) so great???...."
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Originally Posted by newtoli
Just let him be. I'm surprised at the rush to diagnose this child with a disorder. I myself, along with many friends I had over the years were shy and not liking things like sports. I got better at socializing in High School, and things were great once I was out of school all together.
Hmmm.......let me go back once again and reread.....nope, I didn't say anything about diagnosing my child with any kind of disorder. I said is there any advice regarding social skills. Yep, that's about it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by newtoli
Popularity is not everything.
Quote:
Originally Posted by newtoli
Just let him be HIM instead of what you want him to be, his little brother. Write a paragraph about HIS positive traits. Praise HIM for being who he is.
No, I don't want him to be his little brother. Never said I did. I think I would have a heart attack if I had two of the little one
I love how some people read into something, that isn't there.
My oldest (stb 15) would play "Beside" other kids and would interact but would not seek interaction. Son was/is not a follower... but neither is he a leader.... he is an independant. He is just now (as a freshman in High School) inviting kids over. A kid he inviited over to "jam" (son is trying to start a band) is a senior. While Son will never be the life of the party he will be happy with himself. Son did karate and baseball for a year and scouts for 6 months... all around age 8-10. He absolutely refused to do any toher activities until last year and he discovered 80's rock..... now he wants to be the next Mick Mars. He has his friends and he is uncomfortable with them combining (church friends meeting school friends). He had to figure out for himself where he fit before he would bring kids home.
My youngest boy.... he has ASD (Autistic Spectrum Disorder). He is a perfectly functioning little boy. He doesn't seem to need or want to interact with kids outside of school. If there are kids there (cousins and friends of mine who bring their kids over) he is happy to play beside or with them. He does not seek social situations. I tried to get him in scouts, but he doesn't want to. He does take Karate. He, like your son, is small for his age, fair hair, fair skin, and skinny. He gets good grades, but sometimes he has to struggle.... especially in comprehension.
What I am trying to say it this could be just the way your child is, or it could be that he can have a social disorder. To rule out the latter; contact the child's pediatrition, mention aspergers specifically. Have the school councelor evaluate him. If nothing comes of this, let the boy be who he is. He may be a late bloomer, he may just like share his own company. DO correct social mistakes (privately).
Thank you for not trying to comment on my parenting, but on just my son. he does sound like your youngest. I never gave high consideration there might be something wrong.......of course that was there....but also like you said, I did think that he might just be a "late bloomer"....I just wanted to find out if anyone else experienced any of this, if there was anything I could do to help him...I want the best for him and while I understand being Mr. Jock or Mr. Popular might not be and I wouldn't expect it....I also didn't want to happen to him what I have seen happen to other children, while I was in highschool.
I think I am a better parent than your words up above portray me to be (..."glowing attitude"...."disdainful attitude"). I reread all that I wrote....and obviously...at least to all except for you...I did not show an ounce of "disdainful attitude"- definition: I feel contempt for them or feel that they're unworthy or inferior. The first 6 paragraphs are full of facts. The 7th is just about my worries.....due to what I had witnessed in highschool.
Just because I wrote some comments about my youngest makes you feel I have a disdainful attitude towards my oldest? That, IMO, is ridiculous. I posted comments. I wouldn't say "oh, why can't you be like your brother"....."oh, isn't Zachary (the youngest) so great???...."
Hmmm.......let me go back once again and reread.....nope, I didn't say anything about diagnosing my child with any kind of disorder. I said is there any advice regarding social skills. Yep, that's about it.
No, I don't want him to be his little brother. Never said I did. I think I would have a heart attack if I had two of the little one
I love how some people read into something, that isn't there.
I am simply offering outside advice as you asked for. That was the tone that I took from your post. Apologies if you are offended.
Why you might not say these things aloud to the older child, he may pick up on how proud you are of the younger child and feel he is letting you down by not being the child you want him to be (social, outgoing, lots of friends).
In regarding to diagnosing - I was referring to the other comments in the thread. Please - do not rush to a diagnosis of Aspergers or Autism as people are suggesting. He may just simply be shy and not a follower. Teach him to be proud to be him and to stick up for himself.
Thank you for not trying to comment on my parenting, but on just my son. he does sound like your youngest. I never gave high consideration there might be something wrong.......of course that was there....but also like you said, I did think that he might just be a "late bloomer"....I just wanted to find out if anyone else experienced any of this, if there was anything I could do to help him...I want the best for him and while I understand being Mr. Jock or Mr. Popular might not be and I wouldn't expect it....I also didn't want to happen to him what I have seen happen to other children, while I was in highschool.
If it helps at all my son (now 17) had/has many of the things you speak about. We finally had him tested last year and found out he's an aspergers kid. Sure wish we'd found out earlier, it would have saved him/us a lot of grief and pain. I'd suggest looking into the testing, best case it finds out what's going on and you've got more time to work with it, worse case, you've spent money and it finds nothing amiss.
this is a good example of why it's clearly selfish to create children. i had a very similar experience to your son, and my life was horrible in school, and since high school ended, it has been barely livable. I would have been put through none of this had my parents not created me (which was for their own benefit). It isn't an unusual experience, either, so why create children? why are you taking risks with other people? it wasn't your right, and now your child will have to suffer for it. I hope other people learn from your disgusting actions
this is a good example of why it's clearly selfish to create children. i had a very similar experience to your son, and my life was horrible in school, and since high school ended, it has been barely livable. I would have been put through none of this had my parents not created me (which was for their own benefit). It isn't an unusual experience, either, so why create children? why are you taking risks with other people? it wasn't your right, and now your child will have to suffer for it. I hope other people learn from your disgusting actions
I'm sorry you're in so much pain that you wish you weren't here. Maybe it's time to go see someone and get some help?
I'm an Aspie along with my son so I know what it's like, find someone to talk to it'll help.
As for being selfish, I wouldn't trade my son for anything! I'd definitely trade some of his experiences with others and their bull squeeze but other than that? Nope.
I had this problem in my pre-college life. During a good year, I was ignored. During a bad year, I was tormented. I was horrible at sports and developed a disdain for them that turned into a hatred akin to a pathological religious fervour. It didn't help that my local area (Long Island) worshipped sport as man's most worthy pastime.
Between the ages of 7 and 18, I did not have a single friend. My experience growing up was radically divorced from the norm, to the point where it may still be a factor in relating to people. I am reserved by nature in social situations (arising from the lesson learned that socializing will be to my detriment). I escaped psychological scrutiny in school because I could gear-shift immediately with adults. I was confident and articulate when I was being judged for my mind and character, not my obesity or being "different."
In my senior year, I dropped the weight. When I went to college (in the UK), I was a quirky, intelligent, average weight American. Universities have a far higher tolerance for quirk, and intelligent people lose (or never had?) the taste for the amateur theatrics of high school socializing. Also, I found like-minded people. The social deficits of years of isolation corrected rapidly. Not without cost/loss, but they were ameliorated. Allow me to vouchsafe the martial arts. I took up boxing. Kids never get exposed to individual sports (America loves the "team/team-player" mentality BS) to their detriment, IMO. Some, myself included, benefit from a model based on personal achievement and progressive improvement.
I'm now in Australia for a masters degree. Again, I am having no problems forging a social circle, but it's going slower this time due to diligence on my part, entering mid-year, etc. I have listed with a rugby club to learn, with some other new arrivals.
When I was 16, I was fat (5'11" @ 220 lbs). I was useless at athletics, felt abused on a daily basis by school (imagine a perfect storm of poor nutrition, lack of sleep, blood sugar spikes/crashes, bullying, and an archaic/pointillistic pedagogy), and a computer gamer. Books and epic movies (Lord of the Rings, Ben Hur, Lawrence of Arabia, The Last Emperor etc) were a necessary, therapeutic escapism. Not getting a chapter or an hour of the film in signified a busy and likely miserable day.
At 22, I am normal, now with a bit of muscle (yay!) at 175 lbs. I can box. I have friends whom I treasure. I am still utterly useless with women (nothing about me is programmed for 21st century mating), but I'm not a virgin. I still read, but as a compliment to my lifestyle, not an escape from it. Computer gaming has dropped dramatically for me, but is now a method to connect with friends I am now far away with (ie ones I made in the UK).
My father has been an irrelevance in my life at best or a source of criticism at worst. My mother never pushed me. She only gave me licence to find my way after enduring years of misery and dissatisfaction. I loved her for it.
Be supportive and open to opportunity, no matter how unusual it may be. An unusual direction is often best for an unusual young person trying to find his/her way.
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Also, at this age it isn't cool to be smart.
It isn't at any age in the broader US. It's cool to be well-off, well-travelled, own certain cars, do certain jobs, be attractive etc etc. Raw intelligence is not one of them, barring the odd wonder such as Stephen Hawking.
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That, IMO, is ridiculous. I posted comments. I wouldn't say "oh, why can't you be like your brother"....."oh, isn't Zachary (the youngest) so great???...."
...let me go back once again and reread.....nope, I didn't say anything about diagnosing my child with any kind of disorder. I said is there any advice regarding social skills. Yep, that's about it.
