I'm ready to kick out my 20-year-old son. (3 years old)

[Nelly Nomad]

Originally Posted by SandyCo

Unfortunately, he doesn't have a male role model that he's close to. No big surprise there, right? To digress for a moment, I would never recommend that women decide to be single mothers. Nothing is more unfair to a child! I think that God (or the universe or nature) gave children two parents for a reason, and I wish I could have found a good stepdad for him, but that didn't happen.

And the situation is what it is. It sounds to me like you're doing the best you can with what you've got.

Originally Posted by SandyCo

He has his driver's license test at the end of next week. In the meantime, I'm going to take him out in my car, so he can get some more practice.

Great! Good luck to him! But remember, even if it doesn't go well, he can always keep practicing and try again. If for some reason he *doesn't* pass on the first time, please remind him that he still can't drive unaccompanied. With his car being out of commission, unaccompanied driving may be less of an issue, thank goodness.

Originally Posted by SandyCo

I appreciate everyone's input, even the hostile input in a helpful guise. I posted this to get answers, and I never put a caveat on of "please only post answers that I'll like"!

You're very gracious. I'm hoping things all work out for you and Son.

[DubbleT]

Originally Posted by charolastra00

You can't just go to the DMV and get a license, you have to have an appointment.

Wish it were like that here! The way it works here is that everybody gets up at the crack of dawn, goes down to stand in a line that usually wraps around the building, then spends as much as four hours bouncing from one area to another. Wait here to show ID and turn in your paperwork, wait there to take the written test, wait here to take the eye test, wait there to take the driving test, wait here to have your picture taken. Heaven forbid, if you fail any one part of the process you have to wait three weeks before you can come back and start all over again. I had to go through this stupidity three times before my DD got her license.

She was well over 18 before she got her license too. So was her brother. Not all kids are dying to get behind the wheel of a car at the first opportunity. And some parents are just fine with waiting until their kids feel ready to do so. Living in the city makes driving less of a concern for some kids I guess.

[Rakin]

If he were my son I'd figure out a way to disable his car. I'd go out to his car at night and remove one of the cables that goes to a starter, spark plug, ect. If he could figure it out, power to him since he needs to know what keeps a car running anyway.

You should take out additional insurance like an umbrella policy. If he wrecks & injures someone the odds are you will be included in any lawsuit since they always go after the money.

I'm sure an attorney can make it all your fault.

[Mt-7]

somehow I got stuck in the pack, I reread and saw that he was without a dad, my question was that an option for you to pass him to the father for a little conversation. Look you are not helping him. Give him either an eviction notice or write up a rental agreement. You are in a precarious position with him living in your home, you are responsible for any and all damage or harm he might do. Protect yourself, you will be doing him a favor in the long one. Ask yourself if you are not afraid to be alone, I know this sounds harsh but we must walk in truth. Good Luck. Take a yoga class

[steelstress]

Originally Posted by seven of nine

somehow I got stuck in the pack, I reread and saw that he was without a dad, my question was that an option for you to pass him to the father for a little conversation. Look you are not helping him. Give him either an eviction notice or write up a rental agreement. You are in a precarious position with him living in your home, you are responsible for any and all damage or harm he might do. Protect yourself, you will be doing him a favor in the long one. Ask yourself if you are not afraid to be alone, I know this sounds harsh but we must walk in truth. Good Luck. Take a yoga class

The kid is 20 years old, why is she responsible for him? Whatever damage he does, he's responsible for that, he's a legal adult. Doesn't matter if he lives with mommy. As long as he doesn't drive her car, she's not liable.

[Mt-7]

Civil court is full of people who in some way are responsible for the actions of those who live with them. I know it sounds unreasonable but the monetary recovery will focus on who might have an asset. I just hope this mom can move on and let the man grow up

[SandyCo]

Update (if anyone cares!) -

My son tried to take the driving test two weeks ago, only to be turned away due to a long crack in my car's windshield! Oops. $175 later, that was fixed.

Yesterday he took the test... and didn't pass. I'm not going to go into great detail as to why he didn't pass, but that's that. He already made another appointment on the 23rd. In the meantime, life goes on.

[heather21365]

I have a few questions. You mentioned in your first post that he's 20 and doesn't have his license yet because his grades weren't great. I could understand that...if he was 17. I also get that his grades aren't great in college, but my feeling on the subject is once you get past a certain age, driving isn't a privilege, it's a necessity (in many areas). If I'm interpreting this correctly, and please tell me if I'm not, you haven't allowed him to get his license until now? If that's the case, why are you now allowing it, if his grades still aren't ok?

Once he turned 18, he was perfectly entitled to get his license, with or without your approval. If you said "no, you can't under my roof until your grades improve," then at that point it's sort of a contradictory message. You want him to be an independent man and get his act together, but only on the terms you dictate. I understand the "my roof, my rules" thing, and I agree with it, I'm just having trouble wrapping my head around this.

Giving him the money is also baffling -- you said "He started learning how to drive recently, so I released some money to him that his grandfather (my dad) had been saving for him." If you don't mind me asking, did you give him $2k, or was the total sum more than that? You clearly had an inkling he was going to buy a car, and if the amount given was $2k, then a POS car was about all he could get. And until now, you haven't wanted him to have the responsibility of a driver's license, but then suddenly he also gets the responsibility of a lot of money handed to him? Did you talk about what he might do with the money once you gave it to him? Did he consult you about this car at all, or did you just drive home one day and find this POS in your driveway?

I agree that he is being irresponsible -- if you don't have a driver's license, you aren't legally authorized to drive a car alone. Period. And buying a super crappy car was also probably not the best decision to make. I would definitely check with your insurance on a few possible scenarios, just to see the outcomes.

Unless you live in an area with lots of available and safe public transportation, a driver's license at the age of 18 (and certainly by 20) is not a luxury anymore. I would not want to be driving around my 20 year old everywhere, all the time. What made you finally decide he was ready, or was it his decision?

Please don't think I am bashing you, it's not my intention. I just think that there's a bit more to this story.

[sheena12]

I am not understanding why he does not have a driver's license at twenty. Especially if he is attending a community college. It would seem to me that your first priority would be his education - not receiving rent from your 20 year old son.

You need to be the adult here. I am anything but permissive, but this is a 20 yr old boy. And I don't care that legally he is an adult. He got his hands on some money and spent it foolishly That is pretty much what 20 year olds do. And I do not know many 20 year olds who do not drive or have use of a motor vehicle.

I would do a U turn here and set some ground rules:
Help him to get his driver's license and encourage him to continue to go to school. Help him economically in anyway that you are able.

Tell him that he may work on vacations but not during the school year. If he needs more money apply for a student loan (his to repay) and give him a weekly allowance to get to and from school.

If you are unable to help him economically, help him to fill out FAFSA forms in order to obtain financial aid.

If he has a license and insurance, you have nothing to be concerned about legally.
If he is doing poorly in school, the college will put him on academic probation, and if he still does not improve he will be suspended then expelled. I am assuming that this is not what you want.

I am hoping that you want a son who is able to support himself at some point in his life and his best bet in life for success will be if you focus on his education. not on jobs or rent while he is a student.
I am sure that all if not most of his friends drive. Why make community college any more difficult than it has to be?

I can understand that you are worried about him driving with out a license, but I have to wonder why he does not have one since he is going to a commuter school.

[maciesmom]

This thread is 3 years old.