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Okay, now I feel a little better. I posted on this topic a few days ago and have been reading all of the responses. My boys do fight at times, and I absolutely give them consequences for name calling, punching, etc. From my upbringing, they fight too much. But I'm used to girls and one brother while growing up. We were pretty quiet, relatively speaking.
But wrestling is in a league of its own. They do this EVERY DAY! It's good to hear from others that this is 'normal' boy play. My husband sometimes lets them 'wrestle' him but with rules. If they get too rough, he gets up off the ground and tells them why he's leaving the game. As a girly girl mom, I don't let them wrestle me. I can't stand it! I'll sit and read with them, color, play chase, tag, hide and seek, etc. Now that's MY kind of playing.
I agree with others that say it's hard to be a mom who is used to girl-play. Boy-play is so different, loud, and nerve racking. Cute, too, at times. But boy, do I wish they'd like to color and read more often, just to quiet things down a bit.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nuala
My question is mostly for parents who have 2 or more boys. But could be for a father-son "training", or sparring. Do boys fight physically all the time? Do you view it as good for their future (warding off bullies, for example)? At which point do you think it may become aggression training?
Boys are built for wrestling, falling down, running into things, etc. etc. and they are designed to heal quickly. Good thing, too. Don't get alarmed if you see a little blood and tears because those are supposed to happen.
Try not to be alarmed by, without limitation, wrestling, tackling, playfighting, imaginary gun-fights or poorly executed kung-fu fighting because these are also supposed to happen.
Bullying is a problem that needs your immediate attention. Take note of any apparent lack of a sense of fairness and/or justice and counsel/discipline accordingly. You want your boys to grow up to be tough but not mean.
There's nothing wrong with knowing how to fight, the problem is not knowing when to fight.
My question is mostly for parents who have 2 or more boys. But could be for a father-son "training", or sparring. Do boys fight physically all the time? Do you view it as good for their future (warding off bullies, for example)? At which point do you think it may become aggression training?
Are you talking about real fighting, or playing physically?
I don't let my boys fight, but they do play physically.
I think that if you have a boy who is very physical the best thing to do is have him enrolled in a physical sport like footbal, wrestling, lacrosse, or hockey. That will give him an appropriate outlet for his phycial nature. When playing sports like these the kids learn how to play physically without fighting. Without an appropriate outlet for their physical nature they wind up fighting.
A neighbor and I were talking about raising boys (she has three, 11, 8 and 4; I have two 5 and 21 mo.). We both expressed how we hoped our boys would learn to communicate their emotions, how to handle their anger, and not fall into the "manly man" trap. Out of that conversation, though, came a great quote from her--"But if he is meant to be a warrior, you want to help him become the best warrior he can." I think of that quote every week.
I want my son to be a peace-seeking, sensitive human, but I also can't deny what is already in him. So I try to teach him ways to direct his anger. I teach him what is bullying and why people bully. I tell him its okay to cry and its okay to be mad. And if, as he grows up, he turns more toward the warrior end of the spectrum than the non-violent peace activist end, then all I can do is trust my previous parenting and help guide him through it.
I hope this is on the topic enough. It's not easy being a girl and raising boys (I grew up with all girls). But I never appreciated how much boys and girls are different before I had them.
I really like your post. It sums up my feelings pretty well.
My boys are all very physical. We have given them appropriate outlets for their physical nature. As a woman I don't completely understand their actual NEED to be physical with one another. However, I see that is is real and inborn (not learned) so I need to manage it.
My sons do not have hearts of stone. They are sensitve to those around them. But being sensitive does not mean that they have to give up their masculinity. They are not mutually exclusive.
A man can be a warrior and be a sensitve man as well. My son told me that he would like to be in the Navy. He has no problem being a warrior but he does not want to have a job where he has to drop bombs on preschools. This is a football player, wrestler, and lacrosse player. He is extremely physical and masculine, but that doesn't mean he has lost his humanity.
So I understand they are having fun - as well as training my son to be sure in his own physical abilities. It's just the tiniest part of me wonders if there is a line somewhere ?
Yes there is a line and your husband will help them find that line. My oldest son NEVER hurts his little brother when they play (they play rough). He is a 15 year old football player, the little one is a chubby 10 year old with a baby face. He understands that he is bigger, and stronger and limits his play appropriately.
Mine tend to bicker -- on and on and on and I tell them to fight like boys should fight -- wrestle. No pain, no marks allowed. Once in a while they'll get on the floor and wrestle which I prefer but they seem to prefer the verbal bickering which I don't like.
Okay, now I feel a little better. I posted on this topic a few days ago and have been reading all of the responses. My boys do fight at times, and I absolutely give them consequences for name calling, punching, etc. From my upbringing, they fight too much. But I'm used to girls and one brother while growing up. We were pretty quiet, relatively speaking.
But wrestling is in a league of its own. They do this EVERY DAY! It's good to hear from others that this is 'normal' boy play. My husband sometimes lets them 'wrestle' him but with rules. If they get too rough, he gets up off the ground and tells them why he's leaving the game. As a girly girl mom, I don't let them wrestle me. I can't stand it! I'll sit and read with them, color, play chase, tag, hide and seek, etc. Now that's MY kind of playing.
I agree with others that say it's hard to be a mom who is used to girl-play. Boy-play is so different, loud, and nerve racking. Cute, too, at times. But boy, do I wish they'd like to color and read more often, just to quiet things down a bit.
I grew up in a large family and had lots of cousins and the girls wrestled just as much as the boys and the girls wrestled with brothers. Dad wrestled with the kids and even my Mom would sometimes wrestle with the kids.
I think it's play fighting. You see it with kittens, puppies, even colts will race around kicking up heels at each other pretending to fight. I think it's completely normal and good.
My younger brothers were close in age and couldn't sit next to each other without breaking out into a wrestling match but if they were made to sit far apart, they'd inch their way together and start wrestling some more. They'd wrestle until they fell asleep and we'd take pictures of them wrapped up with each other -- which made them furious. I think wrestling is a form of sibling bonding and love. But never kicking, biting, hitting, there has to be boundaries.
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