Bad Niece (support, games, parents, girl)

[Siobjuan]

Our childhood home was less than pleasant (a lot of abuse) and there were a total of 8 kids, so lots of confusion too. So, things ended up shaking out with one of my older sisters putting her daughter up for adoption. (lots of mind games on our mother's part, isolation- you name it. Trust me, it was THE BEST thing my sister could have done.)

Fast forward 22 years. My sister and her daughter have been in touch for the past year, email, phone, visits, overnights....Although my sitst wanted more, she never could have any more children.

Here's where it gets sticky. My niece is an ass. She is always using people, (her adoptive parents are only good for what they can give her- electronics, money, pay her bills...) and my sister has made a stand that she will not play that game. My niece is manipulative and is now living with her biological dad (who my sister helped get her in touch with).

My sister can't help but compare how her daughter is treating her with how my daughter treats her. Her daughter is 22 and acts like she's 7, my daughter is 13 and acts like she's 22!! I taught my kids manners, but even without, they are nice kids. Her daughter wants gas money to come visit, expects to be waited on hand and foot, prefers others pay for her expenses and doesn't care if she doesn't have a job. When she lost her last job, she wanted my sister to take in her 2 great danes AND 4 cats. Then got upset when she said no.

What it all boils down to is that my sister calls me and I get all upset on her behalf, but is it my place to step in an give my niece whatfor, or do I keep in the background and let my sister use me as a sounding board and leave it at that?

[Mrs.Bewitched]

Originally Posted by Siobjuan

Our childhood home was less than pleasant (a lot of abuse) and there were a total of 8 kids, so lots of confusion too. So, things ended up shaking out with one of my older sisters putting her daughter up for adoption. (lots of mind games on our mother's part, isolation- you name it. Trust me, it was THE BEST thing my sister could have done.)

Fast forward 22 years. My sister and her daughter have been in touch for the past year, email, phone, visits, overnights....Although my sitst wanted more, she never could have any more children.

Here's where it gets sticky. My niece is an ass. She is always using people, (her adoptive parents are only good for what they can give her- electronics, money, pay her bills...) and my sister has made a stand that she will not play that game. My niece is manipulative and is now living with her biological dad (who my sister helped get her in touch with).

My sister can't help but compare how her daughter is treating her with how my daughter treats her. Her daughter is 22 and acts like she's 7, my daughter is 13 and acts like she's 22!! I taught my kids manners, but even without, they are nice kids. Her daughter wants gas money to come visit, expects to be waited on hand and foot, prefers others pay for her expenses and doesn't care if she doesn't have a job. When she lost her last job, she wanted my sister to take in her 2 great danes AND 4 cats. Then got upset when she said no.

What it all boils down to is that my sister calls me and I get all upset on her behalf, but is it my place to step in an give my niece whatfor, or do I keep in the background and let my sister use me as a sounding board and leave it at that?

Do you quite possibly think that she may be expecting everything because she does have some kind of resentment towards your sister-her biological mother- for giving her up? And perhaps she thinks she is OWED this, as she should have been receiving more throughout the years from the mother who didn't want her and gave her up (I am just saying that because maybe she's thinking that!!). Her "mom" owes paying for her stuff, and taking care of her, ad paying for her to come see her....because her "mom" has years to make up for.....

This may just be a reason why she is like she is.....

[DubbleT]

Your niece doesn't sound like a very pleasant girl, but I don't know as it's really her fault that she apparently has been horribly raised. Maybe it's not so much she's bad as that she doesn't know any other way? Could you sit down and have a heart to heart, without any whatfor? Maybe she doesn't realize her spoiled rotten behavior is, uh, so off putting.
OTOH if she's perfectly aware of the pain she's causing your sister and just doesn't care, I think I'd go ahead and give her the whatfor. With your sisters permission.

[Siobjuan]

Her adoptive parents have admitted they rewarded her and showed affection with materialistic things and they always bailed her out of every situation instead of letting her learn how to deal on her own.

It's hard because I did step in a few months ago via email and let my niece know EXACTLY what the situation was when she was put up for adoption, but she is living with her biological dad; he is filling her head with lies and she is believing them.

She sent a list of Christmas presents she wanted mailed to her, a list of birthday presents, but didn't send a card or call on her mother's birthday. I know I only hear my sisters' side of the story. I gave her my phone number and address, and have not heard a peep. She has never offered her number or address to any of her aunts, uncles or cousins in the last year and a half.

It sucks because I love my sister, and I want her to have the joy of the relationship I have with MY daughter, but it does not look like that will ever happen. It's really frustrating.

[DubbleT]

Originally Posted by Siobjuan

She sent a list of Christmas presents she wanted mailed to her, a list of birthday presents, but didn't send a card or call on her mother's birthday. I know I only hear my sisters' side of the story. I gave her my phone number and address, and have not heard a peep. She has never offered her number or address to any of her aunts, uncles or cousins in the last year and a half.

That could still just be bad upbringing and thoughtlessness. If it is, maybe you can lead her down the path of proper behavior with a little subtleness and gentle prodding.
Send her an e-mail saying that her mother is worried the presents never arrived, because your niece didn't call or write to acknowledge their arrival.
Send her an e-mail reminder the day before a birthday or holiday, state that you realize how busy your niece is and that you just wanted to remind her in case she had forgotten.
Heck, send her an e-mail saying that your afraid that your sister is worried that she hasn't heard from the kid in a while, but that your sister is reluctant to say anything herself.
Etc., etc.
I wish you the best, it doesn't sound like an easy situation.

[colleeng47]

Originally Posted by Siobjuan

It sucks because I love my sister, and I want her to have the joy of the relationship I have with MY daughter, but it does not look like that will ever happen. It's really frustrating.

The girl doesn't sound like a very nice person, and it seems it stems from her upbringing. However, you need to realize that even if she wasn't like this, it is very unlikely your sister would have the same relationship with her daughter that you have with yours. She gave her daughter up for adoption, and she was rasied by other people. Your daughter (I'm assuming) has been in your care since her birth.

How is the girl's relationship with her adoptive mother? Why is she living with her biological father? Is she estranged from her parents? She sounds like a girl with a lot of issues.

[charz]

I think your sister needs to handle this. You should be your sister's sounding board, but you should not be talking to her daughter about these problems.

[forest beekeeper]

Was the niece adopted right away? Or did she spend much time in foster care?

We have been foster-parents a couple times, have dealt with different state DCFs, and foster support groups. She sounds like she spent time in the foster system.

[Siobjuan]

She was adopted right away, and still maintains a relationship with her adoptive parents- but only to the extent of what they will send her way. She has stated that it isn't worth her time to visit them if they won't at least fill her gas tank. She lives in the same state as her adoptive parents, but also her biological father. Since losing her apartment due to unpaid rent (she thought it was a better idea to spend the summer at the beach rather than hold down her job.) she has been living with her biological father and his family.

Thank you all for your advice and insight and I think it IS my sister's battle, but I just feel so impotent about the situation. I just want to shake her and tell her to stop being so selfish. Sigh... I will say that this has really opened my eyes to how lucky I am to have two great kids myself.

Thanks!