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Old 09-09-2008, 10:56 AM
 
2 posts, read 3,965 times
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I am not his mother but his older sister. My mother does everything she can to help us and she always has. She provides us for all we need even now that I am 21 years old. both me and my younger sister have never really caused any trouble and do all we can to help our mother. She has been a single parent for most of our lives.

My brother used to be a sweet caring kid. he always had his rebellious streaks but they were never very bad and usually passed. It was only about half way through his 9th grade year (last year) that he began this very disrespectful rebellion against our mother.

His friends have a very big influence on him in my opinion and they are holding him back. He has gotten to the point where he has pushed my mom and threatened to hit her. He tried to choke me when i stepped infront of my mother asking him to stop his foolishness. He quite often leaves the house and refuses to come home unless its with one of his friends. He knows the rules of the house in which my mother's fiancee set, No friends are allowed to sleep over during school nights. The same applies to me with my friends. Now all we hear are his friends words and thought proccesses coming out of his mouth. my mother is worrying herself to repetitive migraines. My brother has refused to come home for almost a week and a half and refuses to go to school. I am currently getting information on military schools but I want to know if there is any alteratives.

His father has been in his life since he was born and always tries to accomodate my brother. He has never wanted for anything in his life. Both my mother and I are puzzled on his actions to this day.

If anyone has any information please let me know as soon as possible. Thank you
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Old 09-09-2008, 11:49 AM
 
8,862 posts, read 8,900,671 times
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There will be some consequences from the school if he does not attend and I suspect other legal problems if he continues to disrespect authority.

It might be time to consider professional help/counseling if he doesn't listen to your mother or his father.

It sounds like these friends are very negative people. He needs to think about his future and make some plans.
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Old 09-09-2008, 12:50 PM
 
Location: Charlotte, NC
507 posts, read 1,281,509 times
Reputation: 248
I would have physical done to rule out any imbalances, growths, etc... Of course this costs money and may not be an option, as will any couseling (at school-free, or a private practice)

Is he involved in extracirricular activities?....sports, drama, art, theater, band, etc...maybe if he had in interest in something like this, he would focus on that and not his friends. He may find a way (through art possbily) of releasing his anger and moodiness.

Is there a Jr. ROTC program at school? (not all schools have them, we do).

He needs a strong adult male role model, maybe that can be found with a Big Brother/Big Sister Program. There may be some police officers or probations officers that are in this program.

Community Service/Work, maybe with a church, or homeless shelter.

A tour of a detention center for teens, and then an adult jail.....no harm in scaring them to death, reality might set in after some time.

Whatever you and your family do, will take time, there will be no quick fix, lots of patience, understanding, love, consistency and respect.

These are just some things I've thought of, I'm sure others will have lots of other suggestions. I have 2 boys of my own, they are 15 1/2 and 17, my husband and I are very proud of them, they are great boys.

Sometimes kids get led down the wrong path, and they need someone who cares and loves them to get them to change paths, make a left or a right, then an eventual u-turn.

This could be a long story...but my parents divorced when I was 17 and my brother 15, he started down that wrong path and used "the divorce" as an excuse to do bad things. Well long story short....and 23 years later, he's a succesfull Master Electrician, was the foreman of the construction of his home, married for 15 years with a daughter, both have a great government job. I'am very proud of him. So, you never know how things will work out.
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Old 09-09-2008, 01:09 PM
 
Location: Visitation between Wal-Mart & Home Depot
8,310 posts, read 21,754,443 times
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A lot of boys in single parent homes, particularly if the sole parent is the mother, go through something similar to this. About 9th grade is when it happens. He's getting a large dose of androgenic hormones and doesn't have a male authority figure in his day-to-day life (I'm assuming (and there is a big difference between talking to your dad on the phone daily and having a male authority figure in your day-to-day life)). It is extremely difficult for two parents to keep a naturally surly young man in check, it is exponentially more difficult for a single mother to do the same. Most of this behavior stems from boredom and a desire for autonomy. Rebellion is normal, but it gets to be a problem if he learns that there are no real consequences if he oversteps his boundaries. Couple that with thuggish friends who support futureless behavior and you have a bad recipe. His dad probably holds the key to fixing this. This isn't something that can be solved through accomodation, however. This needs to be met with firm and decisive action and there needs to be coercive authority in addition to loving authority.

I tried to go in this direction when I was about 15 and I suspect my son will as well. What stopped me was my father. He was good at finding kinks in my armor and exploiting them and if that didn't work there was no question that he could physically prevent me from doing what he didn't want me to do. There has to be a line in the sand and there has to be someone ensuring that he doesn't cross it, by force if need be. Otherwise the idea that no one is his boss gets further and further engrained.
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Old 09-09-2008, 02:04 PM
 
698 posts, read 1,316,919 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jimboburnsy View Post
A lot of boys in single parent homes, particularly if the sole parent is the mother, go through something similar to this. About 9th grade is when it happens. He's getting a large dose of androgenic hormones and doesn't have a male authority figure in his day-to-day life (I'm assuming (and there is a big difference between talking to your dad on the phone daily and having a male authority figure in your day-to-day life)). It is extremely difficult for two parents to keep a naturally surly young man in check, it is exponentially more difficult for a single mother to do the same. Most of this behavior stems from boredom and a desire for autonomy. Rebellion is normal, but it gets to be a problem if he learns that there are no real consequences if he oversteps his boundaries. Couple that with thuggish friends who support futureless behavior and you have a bad recipe. His dad probably holds the key to fixing this. This isn't something that can be solved through accomodation, however. This needs to be met with firm and decisive action and there needs to be coercive authority in addition to loving authority.

I tried to go in this direction when I was about 15 and I suspect my son will as well. What stopped me was my father. He was good at finding kinks in my armor and exploiting them and if that didn't work there was no question that he could physically prevent me from doing what he didn't want me to do. There has to be a line in the sand and there has to be someone ensuring that he doesn't cross it, by force if need be. Otherwise the idea that no one is his boss gets further and further engrained.
Wow, you're good. I mean it. There are a lot of kids who need your kind of sense. Or, maybe a lot of parents.

What I appreciate most about your post, is the fact you kept it real and practical, instead of immediately suggesting he see a 'shrink'.

You have a tremendous amount of realized insight from experience and express it so well. Wow. I have a 14 year old daughter who thinks like this, and will appreciate this post.

Your kids are very fortunate.
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Old 09-09-2008, 02:22 PM
 
3,415 posts, read 4,584,651 times
Reputation: 1345
Quote:
Originally Posted by HitoMiko View Post
I am not his mother but his older sister. My mother does everything she can to help us and she always has. She provides us for all we need even now that I am 21 years old. both me and my younger sister have never really caused any trouble and do all we can to help our mother. She has been a single parent for most of our lives.

My brother used to be a sweet caring kid. he always had his rebellious streaks but they were never very bad and usually passed. It was only about half way through his 9th grade year (last year) that he began this very disrespectful rebellion against our mother.

His friends have a very big influence on him in my opinion and they are holding him back. He has gotten to the point where he has pushed my mom and threatened to hit her. He tried to choke me when i stepped infront of my mother asking him to stop his foolishness. He quite often leaves the house and refuses to come home unless its with one of his friends. He knows the rules of the house in which my mother's fiancee set, No friends are allowed to sleep over during school nights. The same applies to me with my friends. Now all we hear are his friends words and thought proccesses coming out of his mouth. my mother is worrying herself to repetitive migraines. My brother has refused to come home for almost a week and a half and refuses to go to school. I am currently getting information on military schools but I want to know if there is any alteratives.

His father has been in his life since he was born and always tries to accomodate my brother. He has never wanted for anything in his life. Both my mother and I are puzzled on his actions to this day.

If anyone has any information please let me know as soon as possible. Thank you
How is his relationship with your mother's fiancee? Did you write that your mother's fiancee set the rules of the house. What does your son think of an outsider setting the rules for the house? Does your mother's fiancee live with you? Is there any relationship between the fiancee arriving in your lives and your brothers behavior worsening?
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Old 09-09-2008, 04:01 PM
 
2 posts, read 3,965 times
Reputation: 13
Unhappy More on my 16yr old out of control brother

Quote:
Originally Posted by laysayfair View Post
How is his relationship with your mother's fiancee? Did you write that your mother's fiancee set the rules of the house. What does your son think of an outsider setting the rules for the house? Does your mother's fiancee live with you? Is there any relationship between the fiancee arriving in your lives and your brothers behavior worsening?
Im sorry I should have been more specific about this, as far as my brother knows it is my mother who made the rules. She did complain a lot to her fiancee about the way my brother was becoming and he concluded that it was my brother's friends. They set this rule to both get relaxation and to separate my brother from his negative friends. Well my mother's fiancee has been living with us for about 4 years now. He has been around for longer than that; first as my mother's friend then her boyfriend. Their relationship was good up until my brother started with his friends like this. My brother used to be a very quiet and loving boy. He would always hug my mom's fiancee as well as my mom. He was very shy up until the middle of his 9th grade year/last year. He has always been one to make friends quickly inspite of his shyness. I really doubt it was my soon-to-be step-father that triggered this change.

I have spent some time with my brother and his friends. Jose, who seems to be the ringleader, along with Colt have continuously implied that the US was a police state and canada was a better choice at living along with other neo-nazi type thoughts. They have continuously spoken down on school making such statements like school was a waste of time and there is no need for it. Colt dropped out of school as did their other friend Jynx (so they call her). My brother often tells my mother that she is worthless, she is constantly in his way and he has no need for her. He tells her he loves her to death but he doesn't want her anywhere near him.

I do admit that my mother has a very big heart and at times to avoid confrontation gives in to my brother's requests and abuse. A fact that to this very day we are working on together. I have concluded that I do need to find a way to get my brother away from his friends. My mom has tried to enroll him in a swimming program here in the college i go to. He agreed but just today decided that he wasn't going to go making excuses like he has no bus money and he has no swimming trunks. He is at his friends house and im sure that they are attempting to talk him out of it. I have been the only one able to get in contact with my brother in the past week and a half that he has been gone. It is very frustrating to me and my mother especially. Since both I (21) nor my sister who is 20 have given her any problems remotely close to what my brother is giving her. We are pained, frustrated and concerned with my brother's path to self-destruction.

He becomes irate at the very mentiont of his friends or the impact they are having on him. My mom has pleaded with him and attempted to talk to him about his friends impact on him mental and physical state. His usual reaction is to yell "F*** OFF!... My friends are the only ones who really care about me and know whats good for me. You dont know s*** about me or what I am thinking only they understand me." I often times tell my brother that he is wrong to think that and that the only reason that his friends know anything about them is because he confides in them. They know what he is thinking because he tells them. He used to confide in me and my sister. Now he barely even talks to us.
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Old 09-10-2008, 09:38 AM
 
8,862 posts, read 8,900,671 times
Reputation: 2280
I think the other posters have given good suggestions. Your brother needs an older male in his life.

If he seriously thinks his friends will 'Be There' for him when things get complicated he will be disillusioned to say the least.

Your mother, her fiancee and your father need to take charge of this situation ASAP.
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Old 09-10-2008, 10:14 AM
 
3,415 posts, read 4,584,651 times
Reputation: 1345
Quote:
Originally Posted by HitoMiko View Post
Im sorry I should have been more specific about this, as far as my brother knows it is my mother who made the rules. She did complain a lot to her fiancee about the way my brother was becoming and he concluded that it was my brother's friends. They set this rule to both get relaxation and to separate my brother from his negative friends. Well my mother's fiancee has been living with us for about 4 years now. He has been around for longer than that; first as my mother's friend then her boyfriend. Their relationship was good up until my brother started with his friends like this. My brother used to be a very quiet and loving boy. He would always hug my mom's fiancee as well as my mom. He was very shy up until the middle of his 9th grade year/last year. He has always been one to make friends quickly inspite of his shyness. I really doubt it was my soon-to-be step-father that triggered this change.

I have spent some time with my brother and his friends. Jose, who seems to be the ringleader, along with Colt have continuously implied that the US was a police state and canada was a better choice at living along with other neo-nazi type thoughts. They have continuously spoken down on school making such statements like school was a waste of time and there is no need for it. Colt dropped out of school as did their other friend Jynx (so they call her). My brother often tells my mother that she is worthless, she is constantly in his way and he has no need for her. He tells her he loves her to death but he doesn't want her anywhere near him.

I do admit that my mother has a very big heart and at times to avoid confrontation gives in to my brother's requests and abuse. A fact that to this very day we are working on together. I have concluded that I do need to find a way to get my brother away from his friends. My mom has tried to enroll him in a swimming program here in the college i go to. He agreed but just today decided that he wasn't going to go making excuses like he has no bus money and he has no swimming trunks. He is at his friends house and im sure that they are attempting to talk him out of it. I have been the only one able to get in contact with my brother in the past week and a half that he has been gone. It is very frustrating to me and my mother especially. Since both I (21) nor my sister who is 20 have given her any problems remotely close to what my brother is giving her. We are pained, frustrated and concerned with my brother's path to self-destruction.

He becomes irate at the very mentiont of his friends or the impact they are having on him. My mom has pleaded with him and attempted to talk to him about his friends impact on him mental and physical state. His usual reaction is to yell "F*** OFF!... My friends are the only ones who really care about me and know whats good for me. You dont know s*** about me or what I am thinking only they understand me." I often times tell my brother that he is wrong to think that and that the only reason that his friends know anything about them is because he confides in them. They know what he is thinking because he tells them. He used to confide in me and my sister. Now he barely even talks to us.
He's really got a grudge against your mother. Has he ever hinted at what she has done to make him so angry? Who has the most influence with him, his father or the fiancee'? Any sign of drug or alcohol use? Has anyone talked to the old friends he used to have before this new group and asked them what might be going on? They'd be in a position to know. How about meeting the parents of the new friends and letting them know about your son's behavior. They may be able to calm him down and get him to go home because he won't want to lose the respect of his friend's parents. Let them know the police may have to get involved to make him come home since he's a minor. That will give them more reason to assist you since they won't want the cops showing up at their house. Someone should go talk to his teachers and administrators at school. See if they have a clue and suggestions. Set up a counseling appt with a psychiatrist and whoever has the most influence (maybe the friend's parents) should get him to go. A complete physical wouldn't be a bad idea. I think you should keep your mothers overt activity in any of this at a minimum. it sounds like anything she does or suggest will meet with resistance just because she suggested it and add fuel to the fire.

Last edited by laysayfair; 09-10-2008 at 10:20 AM.. Reason: typo
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Old 09-10-2008, 10:21 AM
 
3,415 posts, read 4,584,651 times
Reputation: 1345
Quote:
Originally Posted by HitoMiko View Post
Im sorry I should have been more specific about this, as far as my brother knows it is my mother who made the rules. She did complain a lot to her fiancee about the way my brother was becoming and he concluded that it was my brother's friends. They set this rule to both get relaxation and to separate my brother from his negative friends. Well my mother's fiancee has been living with us for about 4 years now. He has been around for longer than that; first as my mother's friend then her boyfriend. Their relationship was good up until my brother started with his friends like this. My brother used to be a very quiet and loving boy. He would always hug my mom's fiancee as well as my mom. He was very shy up until the middle of his 9th grade year/last year. He has always been one to make friends quickly inspite of his shyness. I really doubt it was my soon-to-be step-father that triggered this change.

I have spent some time with my brother and his friends. Jose, who seems to be the ringleader, along with Colt have continuously implied that the US was a police state and canada was a better choice at living along with other neo-nazi type thoughts. They have continuously spoken down on school making such statements like school was a waste of time and there is no need for it. Colt dropped out of school as did their other friend Jynx (so they call her). My brother often tells my mother that she is worthless, she is constantly in his way and he has no need for her. He tells her he loves her to death but he doesn't want her anywhere near him.

I do admit that my mother has a very big heart and at times to avoid confrontation gives in to my brother's requests and abuse. A fact that to this very day we are working on together. I have concluded that I do need to find a way to get my brother away from his friends. My mom has tried to enroll him in a swimming program here in the college i go to. He agreed but just today decided that he wasn't going to go making excuses like he has no bus money and he has no swimming trunks. He is at his friends house and im sure that they are attempting to talk him out of it. I have been the only one able to get in contact with my brother in the past week and a half that he has been gone. It is very frustrating to me and my mother especially. Since both I (21) nor my sister who is 20 have given her any problems remotely close to what my brother is giving her. We are pained, frustrated and concerned with my brother's path to self-destruction.

He becomes irate at the very mentiont of his friends or the impact they are having on him. My mom has pleaded with him and attempted to talk to him about his friends impact on him mental and physical state. His usual reaction is to yell "F*** OFF!... My friends are the only ones who really care about me and know whats good for me. You dont know s*** about me or what I am thinking only they understand me." I often times tell my brother that he is wrong to think that and that the only reason that his friends know anything about them is because he confides in them. They know what he is thinking because he tells them. He used to confide in me and my sister. Now he barely even talks to us.
He's really got a grudge against your mother. Has he ever hinted at what she has done to make him so angry? Who has the most influence with him, his father or the fiancee'? Any sign of drug or alcohol use? Has anyone talked to the old friends he used to have before this new group and asked them what might be going on? They'd be in a position to know. How about meeting the parents of the new friends and letting them know about your son's behavior. They may be able to calm him down and get him to go home because he won't want to lose the respect of his friend's parents. Let them know the police may have to get involved to make him come home since he's a minor. That will give them more reason to assist you since they won't want the cops showing up at their house. Someone should go talk to his teachers and administrators at school. See if they have a clue and suggestions.
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