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need some advice...so last night i was talking on the phone with my mom. she lives in another state. i come from a huge family with mostly boys...i don't speak to any of them anymore. not even my sister. there's a lot of bad stuff that happened with them throughout my childhood and has spread into our adulthood. anyways, we're talking and she's giving me the usual rundown. one just got locked up in a mental hospital. nervous breakdown when his current (4th) SO left him with his kids for another man. another brother's son just ran away from home because my brother found out he smoked pot and they fought - my brother hit him. then i have another brother who verbally abused his son and his son tried to commit suicide by overdosing on pills. its no wonder i don't associate with them, right?!
my dilemma is that i've always been raised to be close to my family no matter what. but i feel guilty that i'm so much happier living far away from them and all of their drama. i have my own family now, and the only person i really miss is my mom. i talk to her all the time. even if its just to be a friend to her and give her advice about my brothers. my son has a great extended family on my husbands side, so i don't think he's missing out much by not having my side of the family around. but am i wrong? being religious, i have love for my brothers. i do, even though i think they are completely immoral. but am i wrong to not want them around my son or my family? that i've shut them out of my life? i mean, i keep in touch with my nephews and nieces as much as i can through my space or on the phone. its not their faults their parents are stupid. but i guess i need some reassurance that i'm doing the right thing here for MY family.
i'm kinda in a similar situation. I moved to a city to be closer with my mother's side of the family. She died when i was a teenager so i lived with my father and brother until i was able to go to college. Well once i was able to go to college i moved to florida to be closer to them. Boy was that a mistake...I have had so much drama with them that i don't associate with them anymore period. And most of it is because i don't want their negativity affecting my daughter. I was raised the same way that family is most important and all that stuff. But my family down here which are aunts and uncles do nothing for me or my daughter, so in my opinion I was better off staying where I was. I wish my daughter did have a relationship with them and sometimes i am sad that she doesn't but that's life.
i'm kinda in a similar situation. I moved to a city to be closer with my mother's side of the family. She died when i was a teenager so i lived with my father and brother until i was able to go to college. Well once i was able to go to college i moved to florida to be closer to them. Boy was that a mistake...I have had so much drama with them that i don't associate with them anymore period. And most of it is because i don't want their negativity affecting my daughter. I was raised the same way that family is most important and all that stuff. But my family down here which are aunts and uncles do nothing for me or my daughter, so in my opinion I was better off staying where I was. I wish my daughter did have a relationship with them and sometimes i am sad that she doesn't but that's life.
dang, sorry to hear that. yeah, my family is severely jacked up. i wish you could pick the family you were born into sometimes. i wouldn't have picked mine. sad to say. but i have to believe that all the crap i endured has made me a better person. i just worry that even exposing my son to them, having to explain that type of person, would be jeopardizing his innocence - so to speak. i don't want him to know that he's related to that type of person.
I feel for you - I have recently broken off contact with my family. My older children - 13 & 17 still see my parents - but not my sister and her family. I got to the point where I was literally throwing up in their front yard whenever I had to deal with them and I just couldn't do it anymore. I come from a large extended family and raised to view family as the most important thing. But one day I realized that I was expected to over look every mean thing they did to me - "because we're family" and yet when I did or didn't do something exactly the way they thought I should I would get crucified. My feelings never mattered - I always had to just get over it.
I am sad that I am not sad - does that make any sense? I have finally realized that what the kids miss out on by not having the huge extended family pales in comparison to the hurt and drama and negativity that they would have been exposed to. It took years and lots of bad things - but I am really at peace with where I am now and I am making sure to raise my family differently.
We just have to make sure we're doing what is best for our children and not making it a power struggle. I have said this on other posts - if you're not on my tax return - you're optional.
I feel for you - I have recently broken off contact with my family. My older children - 13 & 17 still see my parents - but not my sister and her family. I got to the point where I was literally throwing up in their front yard whenever I had to deal with them and I just couldn't do it anymore. I come from a large extended family and raised to view family as the most important thing. But one day I realized that I was expected to over look every mean thing they did to me - "because we're family" and yet when I did or didn't do something exactly the way they thought I should I would get crucified. My feelings never mattered - I always had to just get over it.
I am sad that I am not sad - does that make any sense? I have finally realized that what the kids miss out on by not having the huge extended family pales in comparison to the hurt and drama and negativity that they would have been exposed to. It took years and lots of bad things - but I am really at peace with where I am now and I am making sure to raise my family differently.
We just have to make sure we're doing what is best for our children and not making it a power struggle. I have said this on other posts - if you're not on my tax return - you're optional.
Some times, for your own emotional well being, you need to make the decision that is best for you and your own family. It can be a very hard decision, but follow your gut - keep in touch with your mom and focus on your family - you can't change everyone around you, you can only change how you relate to them Good luck!
Love that tax return comment! The most important family members are those in your own household. Their needs (and your own) trump all other family ties. Especially when they are dysfunctional. I've chosen to stay away from certain family members for similiar reasons. My kids just don't need that kind of environment. I don't need the stress either.
my dilemma is that i've always been raised to be close to my family no matter what. but i feel guilty that i'm so much happier living far away from them and all of their drama. i have my own family now, and the only person i really miss is my mom. i talk to her all the time. even if its just to be a friend to her and give her advice about my brothers. my son has a great extended family on my husbands side, so i don't think he's missing out much by not having my side of the family around. but am i wrong? being religious, i have love for my brothers. i do, even though i think they are completely immoral. but am i wrong to not want them around my son or my family? that i've shut them out of my life? i mean, i keep in touch with my nephews and nieces as much as i can through my space or on the phone. its not their faults their parents are stupid. but i guess i need some reassurance that i'm doing the right thing here for MY family.
You have YOUR family to consider right now & YOUR children to raise.
What you feel is in the best interest of your family, you need to do. If others have an issue, too bad.
My mom had a serious falling out with her family. I never knew my uncles or grandma. It was tough on her but she cut ties due to severe emtional abuse that was unhealthy for her marriage & children. It has never been an easy topic with her, but she always said she would do it again in a heartbeat b/c no one was going to destroy her family due to their selfish needs.
Your children need to be raised the way you feel fit. YOU are their example.
Your children are missing out on getting to know your side of the family, but unfortunately, they have decided to make poor choices. I think your children need to know that while you love them very much, their lifestyle is unhealthy.
In the same situation with my brother. We were very close growing up but after college I got married and had a family. He became an alcoholic and drug user. I tried over the years to stay in touch, even if just by phone. After he showed up at my house for a dinner party completely sloshed and told everyone at the party everything I had ever done that was embarrassing, I had to cut ties. I just couldn't take it anymore. They only time he seems to call or come by is when he is out of money, lost yet another job, or just got out of jail. It is always drama and "poor me". I am better off and my children certainly are. No regrets...just sadness
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Good luck!
