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Old 09-14-2009, 09:32 PM
 
17 posts, read 27,131 times
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Sorry I will try not to ramble but I am desperate for advise on what to do....my husband has a 17yr old from a previous relationship. He has lived with us 1/2 the time or more, usually more for the last 14yrs. 2mths ago because I would not let him go out with his friends until his chores were done, he yelled, swore, stomped out of the house and we received a call 2 days later from him saying he was going to live at his mom's house because "she didn't care what he did". In the mean time i am dealing with his brother and sister who are in tears on a daily basis because they miss their brother so much. I'm in tears, hubby's in tears. Mean while my husband has been layed off from work since Feb. and I just ended up in the hospital had emergency surgery and now can't work for 6-8 weeks. HERE'S THE BEST PART : JUST GOT EMAIL FROM HUBBIES X GF DEMANDING 600/MTH NOW THAT SHE HAS MY STEP SON FULL TIME. AND WANTS $1800 NOW TO GET CAUGHT UP. If he was 5, I would not have a prob. but at 17 when he leaves on his own accord...any advise on this would be great. Advise on how to put my family back together would be appreciated more. Our hearts are broken and we have no family support - I am desperate.
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Old 09-14-2009, 10:45 PM
 
Location: Redondo Beach, CA
7,835 posts, read 8,423,051 times
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She can't just start demanding child support and make up her own figure. How soon will he be 18? Who has legal custody (sounds like it's joint)? Call an attorney. Tell her that if she pursues this, you'll tell the court the truth about why he'd rather live with her -- that she's an unfit parent who "doesn't care what he does."

And tell the kid that for every dime he costs your family in additional support, he'll lose 20 cents of his college fund. He's old enough to start manning up.

Here's the most important thing, and it's going to sound counter-intuitive, but given that you just had surgery, you have to take care of yourself, first.

Call the younger kids' school counselors and tell them they need to talk to someone about the concept of older siblings growing up and moving out. Even if he didn't do it this week, he'd do it eventually. They're going to have to learn how to deal with it without hysterical tears.

I wish you and your family all the best.

Here's a hug. . .

{{{{{chickenladyincanada}}}}}
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Old 09-14-2009, 11:09 PM
 
17 posts, read 27,131 times
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Hi Jil,

Joint custody but not court ordered - just a mutual agreement. As far as the other 2 kids ... they are old enough to know about people moving out what they don't understand is why he doesn't want to see them - plus we live in a small town - my kids friends have seen their brother out with her kids - it just opens the wounds all over again. 17 yr old has also informed us that later on he plans on explaining to them that he basically disowned them because of me and thinks this will rectify the situation with his brother and sister. Which raises another issue - as much as I want them to see their brother again, with him still being disrespectful and his current attitude I'm wondering if it's such a good idea - I need to protect them as well if we don't approve of what he is doing/saying should I trust him to be around them? And we have explained to them that he will always be apart of our family, always be their brother, but he can't live with us if he's doing what he's doing. It's just hard to watch them, and hard to continue on - this was out of the blue, I spent the last 14yrs raising him, the day before he left he was in my arms crying because of sh^T she was pulling ... now this. I put more time and effort into him then I have my own kids.

Thanks for the advise.
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Old 09-14-2009, 11:13 PM
 
Location: Redondo Beach, CA
7,835 posts, read 8,423,051 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by chickenladyincanada View Post
Hi Jil,

Joint custody but not court ordered - just a mutual agreement.
Well then she can't demand squat. Tell her to go blow.
Quote:
Originally Posted by chickenladyincanada

17 yr old has also informed us that later on he plans on explaining to them that he basically disowned them because of me and thinks this will rectify the situation with his brother and sister. Which raises another issue - as much as I want them to see their brother again, with him still being disrespectful and his current attitude I'm wondering if it's such a good idea - I need to protect them as well if we don't approve of what he is doing/saying should I trust him to be around them?
No, and no. Difficult as it is, they get to learn a tough life lesson now -- bad actions have bad consequences, including estrangement from the ones who love you. I bet they never grow up and pull any crap like this!
Quote:
Originally Posted by chickenladyincanada

Thanks for the advise.
I don't know how good it is, but it's my gut instinct from what you describe the situation as. Do talk to the kids' school counselor; he or she may have some good advice for you, as well.

Try to get some sleep, you'll have a clearer head in the morning.
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Old 09-15-2009, 06:25 AM
 
1,995 posts, read 3,370,900 times
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If he decides he wants to see his brother and sister, let him. If you try to separate him from his siblings just because you disapprove of his lifestyle, I think that will come back and bite you. His mother can go to court and get child support ordered if she has custody now but it won't happen without her taking the initiative to go to court. The guidelines are probably based on income so the fact that your husband is out of work will no doubt be taken into account. Is the $600 the amount that she was paying you before he moved out? Teen years are so hard but try to be loving to him so that when he grows out of this you still have a relationship with him. Let him know whenever you can that even though you disapprove of what he is doing you will always love him.
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Old 09-15-2009, 08:30 PM
 
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I hope things work out for you guys.

You certainly did the right thing by having expectations about his behaviour, but at 17 it's almost impossible to begin the parenting process though.

If he has never been accountable then he'll probably never be now... or at least it will take another 5-10 years and lots of nagging from his spouse.

Is there any way you would consider lowering your standards and putting up with him (badly raised as he is) ??? And asking him to come home?

As soon as he turns 18 Child Support should no longer be an issue.

It should stop being an issue as soon as he gets a job even - but I'm betting he doesn't have one?

It's a tough situation, but I think the short term fix would be to be a bit flexible with your rules and turn a blind eye to his laziness and selfishness until he either asks for help (getting a job/ improving his life) or until he turns 18.

I don't envy your position.

His parents have a lot to answer for.
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Old 09-15-2009, 09:02 PM
 
17 posts, read 27,131 times
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Oh great now the in-laws are involved ... can it get any better .... now I know why some people drink!!!!
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Old 09-15-2009, 09:24 PM
 
Location: Pennsylvania
1,659 posts, read 2,771,728 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by chickenladyincanada View Post

I spent the last 14yrs raising him, the day before he left he was in my arms crying because of sh^T she was pulling ... now this. I put more time and effort into him then I have my own kids.
Maybe that's what really set him off. It might be hard for him to accept that his mother is doing destructive painful things to their relationship. One day he weeps the next he runs to embrace her even tighter--in denial. It's kinda like breaking up with a guy and the next day going into withdrawal and becoming insanely passionate about him. He may be redoubling his attempt to fix the bond by showing fanatical loyalty to her over you.
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Old 09-15-2009, 09:41 PM
 
17 posts, read 27,131 times
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It's the only thing I can think of that make sense. It seems like he's telling everyone it's because of me - yet his behavior for the last 14yrs and up until he left says otherwise - it seems like he's using me as the excuse because it's the only way to get support from everyone on his decision, including my inlaws - but who in their right mind honestly thinks that a 17yr old is going to adimit that the reason they left was because of rules and chores and because i made him take the garbage out...HELLO!!!
Funny all these relatives and people that are telling him he should stay at his Mom's if he's sooooo stressed out - I don't recall seeing them in my house helping to raise him for the last 14yrs - and all it does in his (AND HER) mind is re-inforce what he is doing... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I would never in my right mind tell people how they should raise their kids - every kid is different. It's funny though how they impose themselves when it comes to my step-son yet don't even bother with his brother and sister. And now my husband's family is not speaking to him because of all this - yet I don't recall them phoning and asking us what was going on, no phone calls to see how his brother and sister are dealing with this - nice, what ever happened to family support????? My MIL actually told my husband that this is all happening because my husband did not marry my step-son's BM. He was 1yr old when they split and my husband raised him for 2 yrs by himself before we moved in together. I think there is a little bit of PROJECTION here - I think they're the one's that are upset over it. Well get over it - it's been 14 yrs.
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Old 09-15-2009, 09:49 PM
 
Location: Redondo Beach, CA
7,835 posts, read 8,423,051 times
Reputation: 8564
You know, you could double-cross your MIL by inviting her out to lunch and asking for her help and advice.
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