19 year old: What should we do? (bullying, legally, parents, accident)

[tvdxer]

Hello, I am a 22 year old living at home with my brother (19), sister (14), and mother. My father died two years ago, and I am currently attending college. My younger brother was expelled from high school as 10th grader back in 2004 on a somewhat phony weapons charge (let's just say there was no intent to harm anybody - he accidentally left a knife in my car). Prior to my dad's death, he got in his fair share of trouble and had a serious problem with angry outbursts, but it was much easier to keep him under control. Now that my dad's gone, things are much harder, with only one parent in the house. Here are some of the issues right now we're trying to deal with:

1) He's been taking my mother's vehicle, a major gas hog, and treating it as his own vehicle. He did put some rims and a stereo system in the vehicle, but this was more of his own volition and not at my mother's request. He has his own vehicles (at least 2 of them), including a car that just needs a hood, which my mother has given him money for (she's borrowed money to him several times, but never gotten paid back). He rarely fills that tank up to what it was at prior to him driving it, and seems to be doing "smoke shows" with it, damaging the breaks or some other part of it. My mother found marijuana residue once after it was driven by him.

2) He seems to have been abusing prescription drugs lately, sometimes even talking about them out in the open. He promised he would stop.

3) He has a history of hanging around some very unwholesome people. Proof? A few months ago, we had about six squads here, investigating a motorcycle theft, and apprehending the motorcycle and thief. He was not charged with any crime. And just today there were about seven patrols outside our house / on the road, and we were rudely awakened by armed police officers searching for his best friend who often lives with us, whose girlfriend claimed she was threatened with a gun by him. His friend fled to our house, and was taken by the police at gunpoint. My brother again did not get in any trouble.

4) He stole a page from my mother's (our) business's checkbook, and tried cashing a check for $700.00. He actually worked at our store ever since he was 10, but stopped working earlier this year, despite very good pay, claiming his co-workers are intolerable. However, he continues to keep borrowing (and expecting) money from my mother.

Now you'd think that any reasonable parent would lay down the law on him for any of these offenses - or kick him out, as he's now 19. But today, after the police left and her vehicle was brought back, looking as though it was taken off-road (mud, grass, etc.), she told my brother she was sick of having the cops here, and that he would no longer be driving her vehicle. He immediately flipped out, started swearing and yelling at her, telling her she "treated him like ****", and physically confronted her in a very threatening matter (though apparently without any touching). He proceeded to kick a kitchen chair, damaging it, threw the phone down, and when I picked it back up telling him he broke the caller ID display, grabbed it from me and threw it again very hard, completely damaging it. He threatened to kill me if I (or my mother) called the police. After a few minutes, his anger subsided and he is now sleeping on a chair in our living room (keep in mind this happened only about a half hour ago).

What's really worrisome is he also has several guns. He enjoys shooting targets with them, which is mostly unobjectionable in and of itself as we live in a very rural area, but he shoots them at night against my mother's commands, has threatened to shoot himself (he occasionally shows suicidal tendencies, though where these are authentic or not we do not know), and even has driven around with them in my mother's vehicle. Confronting him about them is likely to trigger another outburst as I just described (and that was NOT the first of them!). And that could be really dangerous if he had the gun at the time.

Now my brother has done several things for us - a lot of work around the house, work on our vehicles, work on our garage. Things he's skilled at. He uses this as a defense whenever my mother comes down on him, for the vehicle matter today or other times (like when we've had to force his girlfriend out after a week of her sleeping in his room, despite her being here a violation of our privacy, peace - they fought a lot, with my brother having similar outbursts against her, and religious beliefs). What really should we do? Should somebody in our house secretly call the police during one of his next outbursts? My mother has tried so much - putting him on meds, encouraging him to get his GED or diploma, several psychologist visits (he usually doesn't make his appointments), prayer, etc. She really is a devoted mother with countless other stresses in her life, who does everything she can for him, but enforcing her house rules puts her at risk of an outburst similar to what we experienced today. She's more or less beyond solutions, and she doesn't want to ask her own parents for fear of shame, so I'm posting this here as a (mostly) anonymous individual. This has been really hard for us.

[crazyma]

secretly call the police, heck I'd go to the dept in force and file charges and get his butt OUT of my house asap befoere he kills someone

[925mine]

He needs to go. It's too bad that he got kicked out of school, but he can't hold on to that forever. It's too bad he quit his job. Your mom doesn't owe him a living. She owes him nothing but the love any mother would give her son.

His rights do not include abuse, and that's what he's doing. The greatest fear of the biggest bullies is someone standing up to them. As long as he can push you, your mom, his girlfriend, and all other females (believe me, I've experienced that kind of person before) around, he's going to. The police need to be called. Charges need to be filed, and you and your mom need to stick to your 'guns', so to speak.

[tvdxer]

I would agree he's being abusive, but I'm not sure how charges could be filed.

I should mention that when he's not causing headaches (driving the vehicle around, shooting guns at night, etc.), he's a good kid. The real problem is that it seems like any attempt at enforcing the rules puts him at risk of an outburst.

[tvdxer]

Originally Posted by 925mine

She owes him nothing but the love any mother would give her son.

He seems to feel that that "love" is expressed in giving him money and free rein to do whatever he wants.

His rights do not include abuse, and that's what he's doing. The greatest fear of the biggest bullies is someone standing up to them. As long as he can push you, your mom, his girlfriend, and all other females (believe me, I've experienced that kind of person before) around, he's going to.

Well, I'm a male myself. I don't want to use physical force to stop him unless he's actually violent, and even then it's worrisome, considering the guns and knives he often has (and he's carried a loaded gun in the past, against my mother's wishes). As for bullying, he usually does not have that character, but when he enters one of his crazy outbursts, he seems to lose all control ... completely changes his personality.

[silverwing]

Originally Posted by tvdxer

As for bullying, he usually does not have that character, but when he enters one of his crazy outbursts, he seems to lose all control ... completely changes his personality.

Then he needs to be evaluated by a mental health specialist. The fact that he has also threatened to kill himself is your ace in getting him removed from the home and checked out.

[925mine]

Originally Posted by tvdxer

I apologize for assuming.

I don't want to use physical force to stop him unless he's actually violent, and even then it's worrisome, considering the guns and knives he often has (and he's carried a loaded gun in the past, against my mother's wishes). As for bullying, he usually does not have that character, but when he enters one of his crazy outbursts, he seems to lose all control ... completely changes his personality.

He IS a bully. If he fights with his girlfriend, your mother and you, he IS a bully. There's no excuse for that and as long as nothing is done to stop it, that behavior will continue and get worse as he gets older.

Has he been to a doctor for a physical and bloodwork to see if there is a chemical imbalance? The guns and knives in the house worry me if his outbursts are uncontrolled and left unchecked.

You're a good man to be trying to find answers for your brother and trying to help your family. You deserve respect for that.

I wish I could help. He needs to be removed from the house until he can get his behavior under control.

[tvdxer]

Originally Posted by 925mine

He IS a bully. If he fights with his girlfriend, your mother and you, he IS a bully. There's no excuse for that and as long as nothing is done to stop it, that behavior will continue and get worse as he gets older.

Has he been to a doctor for a physical and bloodwork to see if there is a chemical imbalance? The guns and knives in the house worry me if his outbursts are uncontrolled and left unchecked.

You're a good man to be trying to find answers for your brother and trying to help your family. You deserve respect for that.

I wish I could help. He needs to be removed from the house until he can get his behavior under control.

They worry us, too.

As for bloodwork, I'm not sure about that. But he has had several doctor visits - to a grief counselor, to our family physician, who prescribed him anti-depressants, which he did not really take, to at least one psychiatrist, who prescribed different medicines. There is a challenge in getting him to actually go to the appointments. When my mom brings up concerns about his emotional instability and the guns, he says things like "I'm not some wacko", etc. (paraphrasing)

Thank you all for your answers so far.

[sskkc]

but I'm not sure how charges could be filed

What he's doing is assault. You could get an order of protection. Or you could let him continue to rule your lives and create havoc. The longer this goes on, the more it escalates, the more you are giving him permission to escalate it.

"If you call the police, I will kill you" is a threat to do bodily harm. Have this bully arrested or live with the consequences. It sounds harsh, but those are your only real choices.

You have a 14 you sister living in the house. She is learning through your example (and that of your mother's) that when a man you love threatens you and takes advantage of you, you suck it up, make excuses for him and keep your head down.

Please get help NOW!

[BHappy2Day]

Well, definitely call the police. Not sure what they could do, you mother would have to press charges and depending on what it is, they can only hold him for a certain period of time without charging him with anything. If anything its documentation in the event(God forbid) that he decides to flip and hurt someone. The other route, since he is 19, is to kick him out, get a security system on the house, change the locks and get a restraining order. You ARE talking about everyones SAFETY here! Also, does he have his guns in his possession legally? Are they registered? Checking that out might me another avenue. The police should be able to legally check that out or question him, check records,etc because he threatened to kill and he HAS the means to do it.