Too strict? (teens, average, parent, play)

[momtothree]

We have a 15 year old now living with us. I knew where he came from he was always grounded and over protected. ie. Not able to play outside alone etc. And not because there is anything wrong with him just the city he lived in wasn't safe.

I live in a different state where it is safer.

We gave him a clean slate. We gave him "full" privilages with a few rules. One rule with the laptop computer was he can take it to his room but no x-rated content of any kind. We understand he is curious but when he gets his own computer, he can do whatever he wants. Our computer, no. We were very clear on this to him.

Within a week I had trojans, I was able to trace to a x rated site. We confronted him and he didn't admit to it but apologized. We told him no more laptop in the bedroom at night.

All was fine for a few weeks till yesterday. Saw on the parenting software I had purchased that while he was alone in the house, he looked at a whole bunch of stuff. Icky stuff.

He at first wouldn't admit it but then with the screen shots of the actual keystokes words he used, screen shots and dates and times of only he wouldbe using it is when he admitted it. But he said doesn't he can't look up stuff? Uh no.

So we revoked all computer access when we are not home. He can only use the computer in the living room when we are home and in sight of us. I locked out the computer also in the evening so he can't sneak in overnight etc.

Is this too strict? This is our first "teen" and I don't know. We told him when he gets his summer job and buys his own computer then he can do whatever.

[therewego]

I think I have told you before, kudos to you for taking him in (nephew?)...First, I am surprised that the parenting software did not block those websites. It may be a setting that you have to set. The other thing is just on your laptop, you can go the the top of Internet Explorer and do some settings of your own that may also block those websites.
Tools>Internet Options>Content>Content Advisor=ENABLE


Secondly, now that he has visited those websites, there are probably "cookies" that are already on the computer. You have to clean that computer up with an Adaware software or something similar. I think some of these programs are available free on the Internet. Once installed, you can schedule it to clean up the computer at certain times.

Thirdly, you probably have already done this but I would have a "family" meeting where these rules are discussed. Since he perhaps did not have those rules before, this would be a good opportunity to set it straight. Or even, involve a counselor to help you deal with a teenager and to have him deal with his issues.

[Sum1Else]

My husband says, "He's a 15 year old male. Yes, he is going to look for icky stuff on the internet. He's curious. It seems like what they are doing is just like what was happening where he was previously... just in a different area."

For me -- I think that it is not too strict at all. You gave the rules. He is expected to abide by them. PERIOD.

And my 2-cents -- even when he gets his own computer, those sites should be off-limits.

[VBmom]

No, you are not being too strict.
Since this is your first teen I will give you the advise that a wise mother of 11 gave me. This was a wonderful, saintly and very Catholic mother who not only raised her 11 but took in foster kids. Her advise? Teenagers lie! Even if you think you can trust them, you really can't.

I had this issue with my oldest when he was in middle school. We knew he did it. He apologized and I went into a long speech about how degrading these sites are to women, etc. That went in one ear and out the other. My husband said, "cut the crap or you will not be allowed on the computer again."
We never had another problem but did occasionally find Victoria Secret catalogues in the bathroom.
Boys!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[vergla]

I dont thank its too strick your giving him rules he is to respect your wishes and follow.T here somewhere on tv that said that you should keep track on what they use the internet for. I my self dont allow my kids to use my computer their only 8 and 6 but i have told them both when they get a little older then i will.now i do let my nephew who is 12 and i watch him use it.also i will not let my neace who almst 10 use my computer because im not ready for her to use.I guess what im saying is sometimes you have to be over protective for their own good.

[NCyank]

No, it's not too strict.

It's great that you have given him a clean slate, but don't be too quick to load on privileges that haven't been earned.

[momtothree]

Originally Posted by therewego

I think I have told you before, kudos to you for taking him in (nephew?)...First, I am surprised that the parenting software did not block those websites. It may be a setting that you have to set. The other thing is just on your laptop, you can go the the top of Internet Explorer and do some settings of your own that may also block those websites.
Tools>Internet Options>Content>Content Advisor=ENABLE


Secondly, now that he has visited those websites, there are probably "cookies" that are already on the computer. You have to clean that computer up with an Adaware software or something similar. I think some of these programs are available free on the Internet. Once installed, you can schedule it to clean up the computer at certain times.

Thirdly, you probably have already done this but I would have a "family" meeting where these rules are discussed. Since he perhaps did not have those rules before, this would be a good opportunity to set it straight. Or even, involve a counselor to help you deal with a teenager and to have him deal with his issues.

He got real creative with the words and searched them within another site umm made to circumvent the parenting software. A freind told him about it. I now added the words to my "forbidden" list and blocked that site.

I should have clarified, my anti-virus/spyware caught the viruses/trojans but quarantined it for me to deal with. That is how I knew.

And we did have a long chat with him last night when we "confronted" him with it. But calmly and understanding. We told him we understood he is curious however not on our computers.

We shall see how it goes. Thanks again for the compliment. It is just something that we never considered not doing. He is family. I don't regret it nor would I resent it. I just want to make sure though I am fair!

[momtothree]

Originally Posted by NCyank

No, it's not too strict.

It's great that you have given him a clean slate, but don't be too quick to load on privileges that haven't been earned.

Gotcha, no I meant a clean slate that although we knew he got into trouble alot and had attitude problems, we were going to start with a clean slate. Plus with him bored at home alot alone, I can't blame him for his previous issues!

We also told him he would get "stuff" upon good grades. So far with his honor classes, he is getting 95% average on his homework and tests according to his progress report. At least that isn't an issue! If he does well on his first quarter report card, we are buying him a bike. He has been wanting one.

[sskkc]

At 6 and 8, my kid use the computer on a daily basis, 30 minutes each. They use one at school too.

Limiting computer use to when you're in the home and in the same room is a GOOD rule. Great job.

Are you guys "wireless"? Unplug the modem and keep it in your room. That should keep him off of it, mostly. If a neighbor has unsecured wireless, he may get on now and again when you're not there, but it will help.

I have ALWAYS believed that you should never give your children/teens privacy. They are NOT entitled to it. They are entitled to the ILLUSION of privacy however.

[crazyma]

Sounds like you are doing good job to me. Not too strict at all. It is your home and you are the *parent* .