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Old 10-13-2008, 10:23 AM
 
3,512 posts, read 1,999,053 times
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How do you react? It plays an important part.

I noticed my older daughter was being a bit more ummm impatient and saying things that made me say hey, that isn't nice. Till I realized that she was basically mimicking me in how I was responding to my mom whom was living with us at that point.

My mom and I get along but can be a pain if you don't nip it in the bud. Daughter was nipping it in the bud with others based on what she saw with me.

I toned down how I spoke to my mom and gently told daughter that a better way of saying it would be...this.

Just be prepared to gently correct each and every time. It will take awhile but be consistant and you will be rewarded with a more even tempered kid!
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Old 10-13-2008, 01:37 PM
 
Location: THE USA
3,254 posts, read 3,303,881 times
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Is this because of any environmental factors? Is there something that she cannot control that she would like to so she is exhibiting her behavior on to things she CAN control? I was like that. I had ua somewhat chaotic homelife (damn hippies) which caused me to be a control freak as an adult so i can control my environment. Make sure you are not part of the problem, but part of her solution. Reassure her everything will work out the way it should, but that it might not be the way she wants it to. Reassure her often.

Quote:
Originally Posted by shoes4birds View Post
My 4y.o. is overbearing...and that's an understatement! She is our first/oldest child. She has a younger brother who is 2. She is very controlling, very bossy. She is INTENSE about everything...almost as though she can't relax. I don't worry about attention deficit...she doesn't display those kinds of things. She is just very loud, boisterous, controlling, overbearing and intense! I love her free spirit and that she's not ashamed to be any of these things. But life does not work this way where we can all act out on everything we feel so I need some techniques to get her to relax and to be ok with not being in control of everything.

Anyone have similar experiences and care to share some thoughts/advice? Thanks!
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Old 10-13-2008, 03:01 PM
 
Location: Michigan
528 posts, read 909,166 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jasmin71 View Post
How does she act in public? Does she hit her Brother or you?

Sorry you need to get a grip on her NOW, being Bossy, Overbearing, demanding is not a OK thing nor is it a FREE SPIRIT thing.
Well, let's get something clear here. She does not hit nor does she do anything that I would consider to be very bad in her overbearing ways. She is a Type A child and I think that's ok, but want to learn how to push the Type A into the right direction.

She does not act out in public and she does well at school, she is just bossy and overbearing (as I mentioned before). She never has bad reports from school or sitters. She would just love to have control over us as parents but we don't allow it. I suppose I want to know if anyone knows how to push what can be a good thing in the right direction without suffocating her personality.

So, I don't think your suggestion to "get a grip on her NOW" really applies here.
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Old 10-13-2008, 03:04 PM
 
Location: Michigan
528 posts, read 909,166 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 88txaggie View Post
Does she try to parent her sibling? We constantly remind our oldest that his brother has 2 parents, and doesn't need a 3rd parent. I try not to nag but I do stop him when he corrects his brother. This is a constant battle.
Ummm...YES she does try to parent her brother! We do tell her that she's not her brother's mommy or daddy. She still goes back to it though as her natural bossiness takes over again. A constant battle as you say and difficult because they see us correcting him, so why can't she (in her mind)?
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Old 10-13-2008, 03:09 PM
 
Location: Michigan
528 posts, read 909,166 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Taboo2 View Post
Is this because of any environmental factors? Is there something that she cannot control that she would like to so she is exhibiting her behavior on to things she CAN control? I was like that. I had ua somewhat chaotic homelife (damn hippies) which caused me to be a control freak as an adult so i can control my environment. Make sure you are not part of the problem, but part of her solution. Reassure her everything will work out the way it should, but that it might not be the way she wants it to. Reassure her often.
I would say that our home life is very stable and very structured. Hubby and I don't have loud arguments (rarely argue for that matter and it's almost never in front of the kids) nor is there anything that I would consider chaotic. Bedtimes, bathtimes, meals, etc. are always the same, we live in the 'burbs, etc. I really think that she's just a very Type A personality by nature, especially because her little brother displays NONE of these characteristics. I think my husband is uptight (don't tell him I said so and I'm in big trouble if he reads this, ha ha), and I think that's where she gets her tendency to be uptight.
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Old 10-13-2008, 03:17 PM
 
1,020 posts, read 1,502,719 times
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I bet she is very bright child. I have tried a chart with my granddaughter ie potty training and trying new foods. Stars or stickers go up. Right now a Tinkerbell doll is on the mantle when the stickers are used up and new foods go in the tummy-she is a VERY picky eater. I potty trained her in two weeks at age two with this technique. Maybe a chart for good behavior would help.
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Old 10-13-2008, 06:58 PM
 
Location: Lexington
107 posts, read 271,196 times
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She sounds like me....I still boss my younger siblings (23 and 26) around. Instead of calling our mother, they call me first and ask for my advice. I am like their second mom.
I like to think instead of being excessively time-conscious, I have great time management skills. I am competitive and want to be the best. Instead of saying aggressive, I am assertive. I am able to multi task but as an adult I am able to relax.
Yes, as a kid, I worried about everyone and everything. The poor children who didn't eat in some third world country, etc (might be the reason I am a social worker now)
I come from a very loud family, so of course I speak loud. My hubbie tells me all the time ....why are you yelling!? LOL

Overall, JUDE 1948 hit it on the nose....behavior charts work extremely well for kids and especially those who want to do well and are competitive.

Hope this helps.
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Old 10-13-2008, 07:53 PM
 
Location: NW Montana
6,259 posts, read 8,039,301 times
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Deescalate as she escalates. Hard to yell at mom when mom's voice is quiet and you can not hear her over yours. Have you ever trained a dog? (not an insult) Ignore bad behavior, reward reasonable behavior. Good luck, my college age son used to throw the worse tantrums. Funny how they were not so much fun with no audience.
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Old 10-13-2008, 10:48 PM
 
3,842 posts, read 6,462,380 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by shoes4birds View Post
My 4y.o. is overbearing...and that's an understatement! She is our first/oldest child. She has a younger brother who is 2. She is very controlling, very bossy. She is INTENSE about everything...almost as though she can't relax. I don't worry about attention deficit...she doesn't display those kinds of things. She is just very loud, boisterous, controlling, overbearing and intense! I love her free spirit and that she's not ashamed to be any of these things. But life does not work this way where we can all act out on everything we feel so I need some techniques to get her to relax and to be ok with not being in control of everything.

Anyone have similar experiences and care to share some thoughts/advice? Thanks!
I have a very spirited, strongly independent, and intense 3yr old first born son. I also have a 10th month old who is the exact opposite. #1 came out of the womb ready to ride a bike, play outside & just run, run, run. His innocence & complete acceptance of everyone is one of the most amazing things I've witnessed.

I am saying this very lightly: pick your battles.

There are certain behaviors my son decides to show & I just move along without acknowledging the behavior. Once he sees that it didn't get a reaction, he stops & it "usually" does not happen again.

There are other behaviors that are not accepted in our family. Those are faced immediately & have a consistent consequence.

She may be responding some ways due to not knowing how to handle the emotion or feeling. She's 4 & still maturing. As a parent, you have to step in & either deal with it or decide to let it run its course.

My #1 & I are COMPLETELY different personalities. I catch myself many times trying to hinder many of his expressions b/c I just don't understand his personality. Then I remind myself he's 3. I never want to break his spirit. Never. Yet, I also will not tolerate certain behaviors. Ever. So, it's an endless process of learning, mistakes, good days & bad days with Type A children & spirited children.

One day at a time.

Type A's & spirited children many times need to be reassured that they are loved & that they are ok for who they are as little ones. Sometimes, they get aggressive b/c of insecurity & feeling odd man out b/c their personalities are so unique. This is when parents really have to step it up with the hugs & verbally reassurance.

I will not raise a child that is allowed to run the home at age 3 but I hope not to raise a child who is scared of his own shadow b/c I want him to be so perfect under what MY terms.

Pick the battle. Reassure. Speak in a calm voice (common sense applies!).

Your daughter is always going to keep you on your toes & that's not a bad thing
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Old 10-14-2008, 04:01 AM
 
1,846 posts, read 1,330,427 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by shoes4birds View Post
My 4y.o. is overbearing...and that's an understatement! She is our first/oldest child. She has a younger brother who is 2. She is very controlling, very bossy. She is INTENSE about everything...almost as though she can't relax. I don't worry about attention deficit...she doesn't display those kinds of things. She is just very loud, boisterous, controlling, overbearing and intense! I love her free spirit and that she's not ashamed to be any of these things. But life does not work this way where we can all act out on everything we feel so I need some techniques to get her to relax and to be ok with not being in control of everything.

Anyone have similar experiences and care to share some thoughts/advice? Thanks!
Well I do not know you or your child but yes from what you stated she does sound intense and yes you are right this is her part of personality, she is an intense child however this should not excuse any inappropriate behavior. I mean this nicely.

[quote=shoes4birds;5670011]Yes, she IS modeling my behavior in terms of her loud tone. I come from a very loud family. We are loud as a group and when we are excited. However, I'm not loud under normal circumstances in the home. It's like she can't quite tell the difference for when she should use her quiet voice....even though I explain the quiet voice to her.

To curtail her we use different methods depending on what she has done. If she's just being overly loud, we tell her that we use a quiet voice in the house (she still doesn't get it though).
I myself are from a loud family and this is okay but children do need to learn when to tone it down, when it is okay to be loud and when it is not. This is not a hard concept to grasp at 4 this is a normal part of the socialization process. You stated that she is in a Pre-K program and her teachers have no complaints other than she is bossy, which indicates to me that your daughter does know what "Inside voice means" because this is a concept that is worked on with children of this age.
When she's not sharing (takes toys from her brother) she heads right to time out. However, I don't consider being overbearing something that's punishable as this is just part of her personality. In this case I try to explain the consequences of being overbearing and bossy (people won't have fun playing with you if they feel bossed by you) and she listens, but it doesn't quite sink in yet. Perhaps she's not mature enough yet to understand those consequences yet.[/quote]
Again this is also a concept that is worked on with children as young as 2 and 3 but it is taught heavily in Pre-K .Sharing and consequences are taught. Taking toys from her younger brother is not a personality trait it is a control issue and impatience or done with the intentions of cause and effect.
Being overbearing is a behavior perhaps one that works for her to get attention regardless if it is negative attention.
I often find that parents talk to much and try to explain too much when dealing with young children, the shorter the explanation and easy use of terms the better the result. i.e. The next time your daughter takes a toy her brother is playing with calmly stop what you are doing and state " He is not done with it yet" After this offer her 2 choices, "You may ask him if he is done with it" "Or you may find something else to play with until he is done" Byy doing this you are teaching her to respect the rights of others and patience without a long winded explanation.
Just because a child is spirited does not give them the right to disrespect others. Again I say this nicely.

Quote:
Originally Posted by shoes4birds View Post
Oh, she is in preschool and does very well. Teachers say she listens well and often answers questions before anyone else. They also tell me she's bossy.
Quote:
Originally Posted by shoes4birds View Post
I think she's so busy at preschool that her behaviors that I know don't stick out as much at home. When at home, she demands my attention (or her brother's or her dad's) all the time. She interrups my husband and I when we try to talk to one another. To this behavior we finish talking and then place her in time out for interrupting. She has not learned to play by herself for any extended amount of time. Even her brother at 2 can play well by himself.
This tells me she is very bright and knows how to curb her behavior if she has the abilty to do this in an environment where sharing, turn taking and following directions are mandatory this tells me she s capable of doing this in your home without breaking her spirit. Perhaps this behavior that is occuring in the home is more prevelant is because she knows she can control her environment. Children will do what they are allowed to do. As far as the playing? Alot of children are like this some are more needy than others and this is not fair to her by comparing her to her brother since most 2 year olds are still in the discovery phase and can easily jump from one activity to next. I would maybe set a time for when you spend play time with her this way she can predict her time with you at home.
I am guessing chores and getting set up for dinner like most mothers take most of your time if this is the case set a time after dinner where you can devote an hour or 2 doing something she likes to do.

[quote=shoes4birds;5674686]Ummm...YES she does try to parent her brother! We do tell her that she's not her brother's mommy or daddy. She still goes back to it though as her natural bossiness takes over again. A constant battle as you say and difficult because they see us correcting him, so why can't she (in her mind)?[/quote]
Because she is not the parent. And she needs to know this.
I hope you do not take offense to anything I HAVE STATED.
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