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Old 02-24-2007, 09:11 PM
 
131 posts, read 439,150 times
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pammybear,
What type of work does your hubby do? Does he already have a job lined up before you move? We move alot. My oldest son 10yo does not like to move, however he adjust really well once the move is over. I think its a wonderful idea for your husband to be the trailblazer so to speak. Plus, it can take a load off for you. Less stress. How long does it usually take before your husband realizes that the job is not for him? Is he being to selective maybe?
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Old 05-01-2007, 02:48 PM
 
2 posts, read 6,208 times
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I know I'm a little late here, but I'd love to chime in with my 2 cents. My mother moved us around alot after she divorced my father. By the time I finished high school, I had been to 9 different schools. I gotta say it really, really, sucked big time. At least in a military family, there are some supports available to families in this type of situation (we weren't a military family), so you really need to consider this when you think about people that say they turned out "just fine" after a childhood of constant upheaval.

I'm now 42 and have often wondered why I have so much trouble maintaining any sort of meaningful long-term relationships with friends. A lot of recent reflecting has led me to believe that I had become too used to letting go of important friends at a drop of a hat and that it is now a lifetime "pattern" that I'm stuck in. Also, having no sense of "home" is another big issue. I really envy the folks who can say they are going "home" for the holidays, still have childhood friends, have an alma matter, etc. I really feel that I've been cheated out of a lot of potentially happy childhood memories that many people take for granted. I realize this must sound bitter, but if you want an honest opinion from someone who's been in your daughter's shoes before, I had to speak up. Thanks for listening
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Old 05-01-2007, 10:50 PM
 
Location: Twin Cities
3,570 posts, read 7,776,403 times
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I'll add my two cents for you too. Growing up we moved every two years due to my dads job. I attended 4 elementary schools, 2 jr. high schools and 3 high schools thus moving in the middle of my senior year...and all to further my dad's career.

I believe I was affected negatively by the moves. While the adventure was fun, being the new kid was always tough. And my parents always wondered why I could not do well in school. It was because by the time I was getting the system down at one school, it was time to head off to a new city or state and new school. Every school had it's own set of rules for academics.

If you find yourself moving around a lot I'd sure recommend you consider home schooling. While it will still be tough on your little one to make friends and become comfortable in new surroundings...the academics may not suffer as much.

In retrospect it is so interesting to see my siblings and I and the struggles we've had relationally with people. We make friends quickly, but we've all struggled with keeping lasting relationships in our lives because we're only used to being around for a few years and then heading off to a new adventure. At 40 I've finally been able to set roots down for myself. And my brother finally got married at 38...many relationships and the inability to committ. Many reasons can factor into it, but moving around definitely has it's drawbacks on kids.

The biggest pet peeve of mine is anyone how says: "kids are resilient, they'll bounce back." IMO that is a huge cop out and it's just the adults way of justifying their actions at the cost of their child.
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Old 05-01-2007, 11:54 PM
 
Location: Colorado
1,394 posts, read 3,878,601 times
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My daughter will be 13 in June, it will be her first move to another state. She is very quiet and shy, and I guess I was wondering if anyone has been through this with a child that isn't so out going.
She is excited about the move, but at the same time, she seems a little nervous, plus the fact that she will be moving out of the only area she has ever known. I am just as excited as well, and have never been that far away from my roots, I know I will be fine, but any suggestions for my daughter???
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Old 05-02-2007, 11:22 AM
 
Location: Twin Cities
3,570 posts, read 7,776,403 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Yorkie_Mom View Post
My daughter will be 13 in June, it will be her first move to another state. She is very quiet and shy, and I guess I was wondering if anyone has been through this with a child that isn't so out going.
She is excited about the move, but at the same time, she seems a little nervous, plus the fact that she will be moving out of the only area she has ever known. I am just as excited as well, and have never been that far away from my roots, I know I will be fine, but any suggestions for my daughter???
Get her on the internet and help her see the place you're moving. Get her involved with knowing what stores, malls, movie theaters etc. anything that is important to her, help her see what is available in your new town.

Make the move an adventure. If you're able to take a few extra days as you journey to your new home, stop and see the sights along the way. The more fun you make the drive, the more at ease she will be when you all arrive.

Really be in tune with her feelings and do not negate how she is feeling. Really be there for her, but at the same time let her deal with some things. Starting a new school is always tough, so see if you can get her in before it starts so she can learn the layout. If there are events that other kids will be at over the summer, help her to get involved. Push her into going out and doing things so she can have fun and feel more comfortable.

Be very involved with who she befriends. You are both new to the town and you don't know people...be involved in who she knows so she doesn't accidentally get caught up in the wrong crowd.

Make the transition time as a mother/daughter special time...as much as you can. It will be easier for you as the adult to transition than her. Be there for her without smothering her. It's a fine line to walk, and as a mom I know you already know some of this stuff. It's just that with moving every 2 years and having four kids in our family, it was easy to get overlooked (the Jan Brady syndrome). Sometimes things were said like: "Oh buck up, it's not that bad, you'll get used to it." That is a parent's cop out so they don't have to deal with how the child is feeling. Put yourself in her place...remembe what it was like to be in school and what kids are like, and the peer pressure and cliques that go along with it...especially as a young girl (woman).

It's gonna be hard work in a way, but just make sure you support her and really be there for her, and let her spread her wings when she's ready to fly. You're an awesome mom who is looking out for the best for your little girl!

Lastly, and most importantly, Pray. And pray like you never have before. God will be with you throughout this time...lean on Him and trust in Him and He'll be there for you!!
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Old 05-03-2007, 01:29 PM
 
2 posts, read 6,208 times
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Yorkie_Mom: So glad to hear you're looking out for your daughter's interests. I was a shy girl myself and found that being involved in Camp Fire Girls really helped a lot for making friends. Is you daughter athletic? If so, you might try to encourage her to join in on some team sports as well. That way she might start to get to know some kids in the neighborhood before school starts again.

Hoosier_guy: Thank you for sharing your thoughts. You brought up some interesting points that I've always suspected as well - especially the cop-out theory that parents use to justify divorcing and/or relocating frequently. It's all too easy for adults to be dismissive of the hardships their children have to endure so that the adults can "go find themselves" without feeling too much guilt. You have some great ideas regarding homeschooling, getting on the internet, making new adventures, praying, etc. It was a pleasure to read your posts.
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Old 05-03-2007, 07:46 PM
jco
 
Location: Austin
2,120 posts, read 5,861,655 times
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Wow, Hoosier Guy, I think I actually have you beat! Two kindergartens, six elementaries, two jr. high schools, and four high schools total for me! I agree that the effects of moving are painful. A child need stability, and there are a lot of hardships I've experienced because I lacked it growing up. Even today I have a harder time forming close, meaningful relationships. I easily get an itch for change in my work, relationships, and in the places I live. For awhile I thought that it was good because it made me independent, but now I see that interdependence is a much better goal, and I'm undoing a lot of the damage.
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Old 08-14-2008, 11:44 PM
 
1 posts, read 2,888 times
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Exclamation The truth about moving...from a teen!!!

Dear Yorkie_Mom
Hi I am 15 & I have moved 7 times in my life, 3 times in the past 2 yrs. So I consider myself a master @ the subject. Like your daughter I tend to be very shy....You need to let your daughter know that this is an oportunity to be anyone she want's....she can recreate herself...& try to leave her shy days behind. It's important for her to have confidents in herself.

But I must worn you...don't let moving become a habit for your family...Lately it seems like a hobby to my family. & frankly movig sucks! U have to redefine yourself to a whole new group of people & make new friends & let go of other friends.Sometimes when it's a first move it comes as a shock how hard it really is to start all over & let go of the past. Moving can also effect you in school...I started 2nd grade in a new school & after that year we moved back to the place I went to school @ for 1st grade...in order to go into 3rd grade there I had to take a test (which I failed) I was forced to repeat 2nd grade because my parents moved me to a school that did not prepare me enough to keep up with my old school.

The worst way moving has effected me is that I tend to never let myself get to attached to people....except this year when my parents promised me we would not b moving again...I finally let myself make friend's, & I actually became more outgoing...It was the first time in a long time I was happy. & my parent's have taken that from me because they recently told me we would be moving again (they lied & lost my trust)....This time across the country, far away from my newly found best friends.

Parents don't relize how much it hurts...
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Old 08-15-2008, 09:32 AM
 
Location: SD
896 posts, read 3,866,705 times
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The OPs comments really hit me hard because I'm going through the same thing. While pregnant with my third child, my husband came home and told me that he didn't like his job of 13 years and had suddenly decided he also didn't like where we lived (probably because my family lived close to us and are a bit overwhelming). Being a supportive wife, I told him to do whatever he wanted. He switched careers and moved four hours north of us. We couldn't sell our house and were having trouble finding another house. By the ninth month of this, I was four months pregnant and we were going into hurricane season. We found our dream house and moved. We had a lot of stress because we were going to be carrying two mortgages and the day the movers came, my husband called me and told me that he wasn't sure it was the right move for us to make because he didn't like his job. I was pregnant with three little kids running around and a house full of movers and I told him to suck it up and take one for the team. We moved up there and I realized I should have listened to him because he was miserable. Although I loved where we lived and I loved my new house, my husband was miserable. Due to all the stress, I ended up having a high-risk pregnancy and since we didn't live near family, he had an excuse to leave his job. So here we are, carrying two mortgages and DH unemployed. He decided to go back to his original career and it meant a cross-country move for us. We unloaded our first house at a huge loss and got rid of second house to company relo (thank goodness). Although we liked the new location DH hated the new job. We were leasing a house and our lease was up so we moved to another house locally while DH tried to figure out what to do with himself (work for someone else, start his own business, consult..) and he was offered a new job the same day we moved. I had understood that we weren't going to move and he was going to commute or telecommute but I guess the rules changed. So now, we are on our way to a new location again. This was a hard move for me to make and almost cost me my marriage. And the reason for that is because I acted as my children's advocate and didn't blindly follow my husband this time. After three failed move attempts, I'm tired of hauling them around. One of my girls is very introverted and has lots of difficulty making friends and I've been very concerned. There are also other factors involved. Needless to say, we are moving in one week, just in time for school to start. I am hoping that by starting school right away, it will help the adjustment for them. By the way, my girls are 7,5,3, and 1.
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Old 08-15-2008, 11:19 AM
 
116 posts, read 378,867 times
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I love your idea to make sure your daughter can finish out the school year, then get settled in your new place before school starts up. My husband was moved about 4 times when he was going through school, and during a couple of the moves, his parents got him enrolled in his new school late. He has never gotten over that and talks about it many many times. He also just really hated moving so often especially when they moved to Michigan, he just hated it there. So anyway, I think moving can be good if the move is to a good place, but somehow moving from Florida to Michigan wasn't a good move for my husband.
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