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Old 12-09-2009, 11:04 PM
 
43,012 posts, read 89,141,410 times
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I know this is an old thread, but it's the first time I've seen it.

I was a corporate brat. My family moved often when I was a child.

It was just something that we did---that we had to do---because my father got a promotion. My sisters and I did just fine.

I think parents who make a big deal about it are doing their children a disservice. I'm amazed that so many parents ASK their children if they want to move!

Children today are too coddled. It's not like moving kids is a new thing. My father's family moved multiple times during the Depression---sometimes multiple times within a school year. He wouldn't even have time to say goodbye to his friends. He'd come home from school and find the milk cart loaded with the furniture.

That said, I don't think people should move chidren for frivolous reasons. I think the OP's husband should learn to like a job---not continually move the family repeatedly every year simply because he doesn't like a job. You move a family when you HAVE to move a family---promotions, relocations, unemployment, poverty, bad neighborhood----not just because a parent feels like it.

THAT'S probably the main difference. Kids can understand 'we need to move because your father lost his job" or "we need to move because your father was promoted." or "We need to move because the neighborhood has become unsafe." Kids don't understand "we need to move because your father doesn't like his job." or "We need to move because we don't like the next door neighbor."
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Old 12-11-2009, 10:27 PM
 
Location: Chapel Hill, N.C.
36,437 posts, read 41,732,692 times
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I know sometimes it just can't be helped-especially in this economy. But think hard and long about how it will affect your kids. I'm one of the military brats who moved all over the world every 24 months. It was terrible on everybody in our family. Brother and I grew to be outgoing-may be too much so- but both of us had troubles keeping adult relationships going. Why bother your brain says. You will only have to leave soon.

I had to be introduced to my cousins at my grandparents funerals. I marveled at wedding announcements which read "the bride had her cousin as maid of honor". I think I missed alot of the stability you get from being raised with more than your immediate family. And even tho we were used to it, it never did get easy.
When I was a junior in high school and another move was announced I shouted at my father
"If I ever come home and say I'm gonna marry a military man, lock me in my room until I change my mind cause I refuse to raise my children like you have raised me"

It must have hit a nerve cause he ended up taking a 13 month solitary tour in Korea so my brother and I could graduate with our classes.

It would have been advantageous to my husband's career if we had been willing to move but he knew how I felt about it and we decided family stability was more important than career advancement.
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Old 12-13-2009, 06:31 PM
 
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I was also a corporate kid and went to two different elementary schools, two different junior high schools and four different high schools. I adjusted fine to each school and I actually liked meeting all the new people.

The bad thing is that I don't have any friends from when I was a kid like many of my friends do. I don't really have anyone I've know "since I was four," for example.

As an adult and soon-to-be parent, I wouldn't move my kids around unless I had to, though. Not every kid is outgoing and adapts well, and I could see certain kids really being traumatized by moving so much.
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Old 12-13-2009, 10:14 PM
 
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I know children are resilient

Why? Why do people think this? Children have FEWER coping skills than adults, not MORE.

We were a military family and have had several out of state moves. My son is attending elementary school two years at a time... both of my children (7 & 10) are adjusting, but it comes at a cost. We try to minimize it - for example don't move every year, never move mid-school year, get involved right away and as soon as we know a move is coming, we begin researching it online extensively.

I saw this with every move, but this time we aren't in the military.... I am SOOO sick of moving, especially long distances. The kids have mentioned that it's getting harder to make friends - everyone already has a "best friend", so at best they start off as a third wheel. Some poor girl just moved into my daughter's class last week - a WEEK before Christmas break! What were her parents thinking?! I don't know that, but I know my daughter is thrilled - another little girl in her class that doesn't already HAVE a best friend!

My ds was a bit luckier. He had two other new boys in his class when this school year started, so he made two good friends right off.

Try to minimize the moving. I wish we didn't have this nomadic lifestyle. Baring an unforeseen catastrophe, I think we'll be Texans from here on out!
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Old 03-03-2010, 03:05 PM
 
Location: California
2 posts, read 3,001 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 20yrsinBranson View Post
Forgive me if I sound like an authority on the subject but I did go to 14 different schools before I graduated (high school). LOL

The only great hardship it was on me is that
1.after a while you learn to not let anyone into your heart.
2You do not get attached, you learn not to care because to do so only reeks heartache after heartache when you must say goodbye.

3. as an adult it is very,very very difficult to form attachments of any kind. 4 [Because] you have trained yourself NOT TO GET INVOLVED so as not to be hurt.
5. I have never really learned how to form friendships.

There are some upsides to this kind of lifestyle.

6. The best of which is that you learn how to fit in IMMEDIATELY.
7. I have the unconscious habit of mimicking the accent of the person I am talking to. If I am talking to someone from Minnesota, I sound like I am from Minnesota. If I talk to someone from Georgia, I sound like I am from there.
8. Another positive is that you really learn to be accepting and appreciative of all lifestyles. You don't grow up thinking that one way is the ony way. I am grateful that I have that point of view.

9. Overall, I would say that the emotional damage is pretty severe, and if I had children I would not do this.
10. It really damages your life beyond measure to learn NOT to make emotional attachments to people.
20yrsinBranson
This particular reply hit a nerve with me. I too went to 14 schools from k-12. I went to 6 high schools alone.

The point about taking on an accent, is where I fell, I have been actually teased by my mother for speaking with the regional dialect of where we were living. As a result I felt badly about myself. I grew up thinking that I really didn't have a (self) that somehow I was a piece of all of these people I had imitated all through the years. In business this is a bonus, I can pick up new york or NJ accents so fast, also when learning a foreign language, I can master the accent very quickly. (or so my French and German teachers have said.)

There is nowhere I call home. No nostalgia. No going home to visit the family, we are all scattered.

I have NO friends, whats more, I have no need for friends nor do I have a desire for friends. I too could go into any social situation and morph into the required setting, using the correct vocabulary, even the correct posture, and mannerisms. My current husband is a very highly paid and well known family law attorney in Los Angeles, his family is notable, his father being a Los Angeles District Attorney that put away many famous criminals. I interact with his family all the time and blend in no problem. I can also hang at the tattoo parlor in Venice Beach and nobody would think anything.

The notion that kids are resilient blows me away. What is resilient anyway when you think about it. I think of kids like bones. Bones are resilient. they bend a little and they break, and they they heal. And when they heal they are actually a little stronger where they healed because in that fractured area, there is more calcium. If you break a bone over and over again, it gets very hard. (This is why in martial arts, they punch things with their bare fists. It makes micro fractures that then fill in with harder bone.) This is why lifting weights makes your bones denser. (look it up if you didn't know it)

So I suppose if your goal is to raise hardened kids, repeatedly put them into a situation that forces them to feel pain, wait till they to put that pain somewhere and then when they have finally adapted, do it to them again.

For myself, I married very young (17) to get out of the family, and divorced after 6 years. because my first husband was just as unstable. I remarried and my second husband is very stable and I have lived in the same place for 15 years. (a little less than half my life) By the time I was 23 I had moved 17 times.

There is no way I would choose gregariousness and adaptability over ability to form lasting relationships or the need for friendships.

You do not NEED to be outgoing in life and you can teach your kids to be adaptable in many other ways.

But most people who cannot trust, and attach, are pretty unhappy.

And you cannot undo that damage.

My mother says they were always trying to improve our life. They never considered the impact it had on us. My mother also thinks I had a stable childhood and has no idea I went to 14 schools. (because she is in denial) and you lose count after awhile.

Just think carefully before you uproot your kids. My worst move ever was in 10th grade and my mom came to my school and said you have 5 mins to get your stuff we have a plane to Tennessee in 1 hour. I left all my stuff in my locker, to run to the bus to say good bye to my new best friend of 6 months.

I moved 3 times that year.
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Old 03-03-2010, 11:09 PM
 
Location: THE USA
3,254 posts, read 5,265,500 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by pammybear View Post

This is just weighing heavily on my mind and I don't expect any answers but just other peoples' experiences with frequent moves and how their children handle it?

I have to say children need stability so moving around often does not give them this feeling.

They have trouble learning how to end relationships since the friendships they have built are being ended for them each time they relocate. It puts them at a disadvantage as adults many times for they feel they cannot lay down roots.

I speak as the wife of someone who moved around a lot as a child and has expressed all these sentiments to me regarding how it screwed him up a bit.
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Old 03-04-2010, 07:54 AM
 
Location: SW Missouri
15,535 posts, read 29,290,525 times
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Well, since we'er resurrecting old threads LOL, I thougt I'd reply to this one.

I think that in decades past it was more important to have strong bonds than it is now. These days everyone is so mobile, nobody really has life-long, lasting friendships any more.

Truly, I think that the skills I acquired being on the move all the time has truly helped me more than being in one place would have. I work with people who have never lived any place else and their lives seem so sad. They have no life experience, nothing interesting in their lives other than their family tales to tell. At least my background gave me a world of experiences and adventures, which I would not have traded for the world.

While I think that the lifestyle is hard on kids, I don't think that it is necessarily a bad thing. Friendships are overrated IMHO. I do quite well without them and apparently so do you. My dh is my best friend and he is all I need to feel loved and happy.

20yrsinBranson

Quote:
Originally Posted by firebox View Post
There is no way I would choose gregariousness and adaptability over ability to form lasting relationships or the need for friendships.

You do not NEED to be outgoing in life and you can teach your kids to be adaptable in many other ways.

But most people who cannot trust, and attach, are pretty unhappy.

And you cannot undo that damage.

My mother says they were always trying to improve our life. They never considered the impact it had on us. My mother also thinks I had a stable childhood and has no idea I went to 14 schools. (because she is in denial) and you lose count after awhile.

Just think carefully before you uproot your kids. My worst move ever was in 10th grade and my mom came to my school and said you have 5 mins to get your stuff we have a plane to Tennessee in 1 hour. I left all my stuff in my locker, to run to the bus to say good bye to my new best friend of 6 months.

I moved 3 times that year.
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Old 01-31-2011, 03:13 AM
 
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Again, I know this is an old thread, but I could not resist registering and posting in it, it struck such a deep cord. I am now 38 years old, and am still working through the consequences of many house moves as a child.

I moved house 3 times before the age of 7 within the same town, and then roughly every six months for seven years, almost every time a new town, across two continents. Then another 4 times before I went to university, changing school twice. I missed two years of schooling, but graduated from university with a normal honours degree, speak several languages fluently and the last time I took an IQ test scored about 150.

I didn't realize it - I never really thought about it at the time - but the moves set a tone for my adult life which persists to this day, although it has slowly been changing over the last few years. I had significant social anxiety, found it very hard to make lasting friends, had few close relationships with women, found it hard to move up the chain at work, and suffered for a long time from what is now being called "mean world syndrome". It was probably worse for me because I am at heart contemplative and somewhat introverted. Books ended up being my friends and salvation, and I thank Dumas, Tolkien, Zelazny, Dickens and many others for enlivening my world.

Yes to 20yearsinbranson, you don't really "need" that many friendships, but the influence of this kind of damage is pernicious. It's not that you're not affable in meeting and talking, but you lack the reflex of staying in touch, because deep deep down experience has taught you that any kind of human contact doesn't last, and it isolates you in later life if you don't take care.

I would really advise any parents in this kind of pattern to think carefully about what they're doing, and pay close attention to the patterns their kids are forming.
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Old 01-31-2011, 12:06 PM
 
Location: NC
1,696 posts, read 3,852,984 times
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I lived in 6 different states before the age of 7. Everywhere from california to texas to utah and alaska... lots of other places LOL... and ended up here in NC at age 7.

to this day, I find moving fun!

I was an outgoing kid and always made new friends quickly. Even now, I am flexible and adaptable to a wide range of people, places and situations.

its all in how you handle it as the parent. make it fun and something to look forward to. Let your kids use email and facebook (wish i had that as a kid! LOL) to keep in touch with their old friends.

theyll be fine!
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Old 01-31-2011, 03:47 PM
 
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My husband moved to different countries all throughout his life. He feels it was a wonderful experience. He's able to make friends easily with many different types of people. He learned several languages. His knowledge base is very broad and vast - he's able to discuss a wide variety of different subjects in great detail with many different kinds of people. He also doesn't have much of an ego. He's very humble and polite, as I think many world travellers who have lived or grown up in different cultures often are.

Our kids have grown up in the states, but having moved from state to state fairly often their whole lives. They have grown into amazing young men with many of the same qualities as my husband. Moves have been wonderful for them, and exciting as well. They are not afraid to try new things. They don't form unhealthy attachments to trends, fads, or fashion styles. They choose friends wisely. They are very resourceful and literate. They do not place much importance on material things. When you move frequently, you really learn what's important in life - material things often are way down at the botom of the list of what's important.

As a family, the moves have kept us close. When you relocate, it keeps your family tight as you often are the only people you know at first in your new community. As you branch out and become more a part of your new community, there is still that close family foundation there, which is always wonderful, but you have those experiences from other places to help you adapt to your new community.

I think moving is great for kids and adults. Humans by nature are a nomadic species. It somehow feels unnatural to stay in one place forever. It feels stagnant and oppressive. At least to us. Even crops growing in the earth often have to take a breather from that spot every now and then or the soil will be depleted of it's nutrients. Even plants need to be repotted once in awhile or they won't flourish. I don't think it's very healthy or wise to allow yourself to get too stuck in one place. No one likes to feel trapped or stuck.
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