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Old 11-16-2008, 07:07 PM
 
Location: St. Louis Metro East
511 posts, read 1,001,922 times
Reputation: 313

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DH is in a bit of a pickle, and it's a really odd situation. He's never missed a child support payment, and has pretty much been kept out of the day-to-day lives of his children, unless there's some disaster, then he's brought in to "fix it."

Background: The kids are grown and nearly grown now, 20 and 17 (will be 18 in January). Oldest is in college full-time, youngest has legal trouble and substance abuse issues, and has lived with us since September. She ran away, and showed up back at her mom's, who does have legal custody, though she was staying here. She's looking at inpatient psych treatment soon, and possible incarceration to follow.

Dh just signed a new support agreement in August, trying to help his ex buy a house. She approached him with this as if asking a favor, because his child support is her only verifiable income. He gave her an extra $100 per month, and extended it. The original agreement said all $ stopped the day the youngest turned 18. He agreed to give her more money, and to continue to pay as long as both kids were living with her and in school full time until each turned 23, wtih the amount dropping $200 per month when the oldest hit the magic age. When the daughter came to stay with us, she told him that it was never filed, and that she had lost the papers anyway, so not to worry about it. Funny, the courthouse seems to know where the papers are, and so does her lawyer, since he sent DH a nastygram last week. In essence, he has been paying her child support for a 20 year old and a child that lived with us until two weeks ago. BTW, youngest is not in school at all, and none of the people in question hold gainful employment.

Add to this that he holds health, vision, dental, prescription and mental health/substance abuse policies on the kids, which is not required by the court. (It is, however, required by me.) In fact, it's his insurance that paid for his daughter's inpatient drug rehab in April, and will be continuing to cover her healthcare, both mental and physical. He paid for the son's first year of college, and is prepared to further assist when necessary. He's helped with vehicles, tuxedoes, homecoming dresses, the whole nine. He is only welcome when they can get something from him.

How does he proceed with this? I think he not only wants to rescind the agreement that extends the support, but also wants an abatement immediately, possibly even effective when the daughter moved in with us in September. What do we say to the lawyer? Has anyone dealt with something like this? Opinions/suggestions welcome. Thanks again, CDgoers!

~D

(PS yes, this is my beloved step-daughter. It's very sad, but I've given it to God, and I have peace now.)
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Old 11-16-2008, 09:08 PM
 
Location: NE Oklahoma
1,036 posts, read 1,794,313 times
Reputation: 1020
Tell them to speak to your lawyer. Retain one. Pronto. Tell him what you put here. Get it done. No one pays child support for a normal child over the age of 18 unless for some reason they go to college, then sometimes it is extended. NOT often.

Karen
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Old 11-18-2008, 08:34 AM
 
Location: NJ
7,126 posts, read 13,809,115 times
Reputation: 3868
It is called emancipation.

What state do the kids live in? Each state is different.
Here in NJ child support might stop at 18, if the order says that.
When my son went to college, I went to court asking that it be extended, I won.
The courts knew he was in college, I had to send in a status every few months.
At one point my son quit, I asked that it stop, it didn't.
They ended up sending the college proof form again, which stated that if I did not send it back that support would be terminated. It never was.


The state that he pays support to should have a page like NJ does click here
In the end, I had to pay back the excess support once it caught up. Thankfully I had it.
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Old 11-18-2008, 09:56 AM
 
Location: Derby, KS
3,832 posts, read 8,031,849 times
Reputation: 1563
Lawyer up.
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Old 11-18-2008, 10:34 AM
 
Location: The #1 sunshine state, Arizona.
11,262 posts, read 9,683,468 times
Reputation: 61117
Your husband seems to be doing a lot of "favors" for his Ex. The way he goes above and beyond the call of duty, he might still have feelings for her.
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Old 11-18-2008, 02:21 PM
 
Location: St. Louis Metro East
511 posts, read 1,001,922 times
Reputation: 313
The feeling he has for her is terror. He's terrified that she'll find a way to completely wipe us out financially. That's why he goes above and beyond to keep her out of court.

I think he also feels guilty about not being allowed to be with the kids too much, between tense relations with her and her second hubby, who is now out of the picture, and work keeping him away.

Mostly, he's afraid of her.

As a parent with a deadbeat who owes my children $40k+, I "encourage" him to do what he can to help her and the kids as well. This time, however, she's gone too far.

He spoke to a lawyer yesterday, and was told to grin and bear it, because she could end up getting even more money if he tries to get the last agreement overturned. The last agreement was done without a lawyer on his side, and was written by her lawyer, however, so who knows? At this point, I think we're just going to stand pat and watch. In the meantime, I think he's screwed.

BTW, we are in IL.

Thanks for the input! Any other comments are always welcome.

~D
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Old 11-18-2008, 06:06 PM
 
Location: The #1 sunshine state, Arizona.
11,262 posts, read 9,683,468 times
Reputation: 61117
Quote:
Originally Posted by jtjmom View Post
The feeling he has for her is terror. He's terrified that she'll find a way to completely wipe us out financially. That's why he goes above and beyond to keep her out of court.

I think he also feels guilty about not being allowed to be with the kids too much, between tense relations with her and her second hubby, who is now out of the picture, and work keeping him away.

Mostly, he's afraid of her.

As a parent with a deadbeat who owes my children $40k+, I "encourage" him to do what he can to help her and the kids as well. This time, however, she's gone too far.

He spoke to a lawyer yesterday, and was told to grin and bear it, because she could end up getting even more money if he tries to get the last agreement overturned. The last agreement was done without a lawyer on his side, and was written by her lawyer, however, so who knows? At this point, I think we're just going to stand pat and watch. In the meantime, I think he's screwed.

BTW, we are in IL.

Thanks for the input! Any other comments are always welcome.

~D
People get agreements overturned all the time. He needs to find an agressive lawyer who will fight for him. He also has the right to see his children.
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Old 11-19-2008, 07:35 AM
 
Location: NJ
7,126 posts, read 13,809,115 times
Reputation: 3868
Quote:
Originally Posted by jtjmom View Post
The kids are grown and nearly grown now, 20 and 17 (will be 18 in January). Oldest is in college full-time
youngest not in school at all.

Dh just signed a new support agreement in August, trying to help his ex buy a house. She approached him with this as if asking a favor, because his child support is her only verifiable income. He gave her an extra $100 per month, and extended it. The original agreement said all $ stopped the day the youngest turned 18. He agreed to give her more money, and to continue to pay as long as both kids were living with her and in school full time until each turned 23, wtih the amount dropping $200 per month when the oldest hit the magic age.

You have a 20 year old in college full time and a 17 year old not in school at all.

IMO, he shouldn't even pay support for the one not in school.

IL child support online (http://www.ilchildsupport.com/online_services.html - broken link)

IDK, I would press on with an attorney.
According to what I'm googling, support stops at 18. They don't appear to have it stop if 17 and not going to school.

If you look here (http://www.co.lake.il.us/circlk/forms.asp - broken link) scroll to Divorce/Family then look at Motion to Terminate Support (note this might not be your county)



Quote:
Originally Posted by jtjmom View Post
When the daughter came to stay with us, she told him that it was never filed, and that she had lost the papers anyway, so not to worry about it. Funny, the courthouse seems to know where the papers are, and so does her lawyer, since he sent DH a nastygram last week. In essence, he has been paying her child support for a 20 year old and a child that lived with us until two weeks ago. BTW, youngest is , and none of the people in question hold gainful employment.
You say the courts know where this is, tell them you want a copy.


Quote:
Originally Posted by jtjmom View Post
He spoke to a lawyer yesterday, and was told to grin and bear it, because she could end up getting even more money if he tries to get the last agreement overturned. The last agreement was done without a lawyer on his side, and was written by her lawyer, however, so who knows? At this point, I think we're just going to stand pat and watch. In the meantime, I think he's screwed.

BTW, we are in IL.

Thanks for the input! Any other comments are always welcome.

~D
Find another lawyer.
I would get the copy from the court first, then take it from there.
In the meantime, get your facts together, canceled/cashed checks from the college as well as any other proof you have, also the health insurance showing they are covered. You should be able to access the school records of both kids and if not, you need an order stating you can. She can't have it both ways. Get the records of the 17 year old showing she is not in school any more.

He sounds like he's been a decent dad. I don't understand how he'll get screwed over? He's been paying, has health insurance and has paid for college, etc. What am I not getting?

FWIW, my ex wasn't able to see my son's grades in college, the judge told us he had to be added to the list since he was paying it. My son never thought to add him because he discouraged my son from going.

Don't roll over. I can't stand women that give us single parents a bad name.
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Old 11-19-2008, 08:06 AM
 
Location: St. Louis Metro East
511 posts, read 1,001,922 times
Reputation: 313
Thank you, THANK YOU, rose! This is what I've been trying to tell him! I knew someone would understand...

Here are problems...

1. Even though he's paying what she's asking, she could technically get more, sue to the percentage of income thing. He Doesn't want to take that chance, because it would probably bankrupt us.

2. She is sue-happy, and is currently "disabled" (bunk!) and getting money and insurance from her previous employer. Each time it runs out, she sues again, or works for two days, gets "hurt" again, then sues again. She hasn't worked in years, and tells the kids not to work as well. She is able to go to casinos and shop for hours on end, she can get a McJob! Her free money is running out, and now she is scrambling to keep it coming in. She's not going to give that up too easily.

3. We are three hours away from where the case is, but yes, we are looking for a different attorney.

I will make him continue to press on, though. This whole thing with DSD is such a disaster. CPS has been involved several times throughout the years, and even though we were ready and able to accept the kids, they gave them back to her every time. Now this. I can understand why he's a little scared of her.

Thanks again, everyone! Keep 'em coming!

~D
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Old 11-19-2008, 08:53 AM
 
Location: NJ
7,126 posts, read 13,809,115 times
Reputation: 3868
Quote:
Originally Posted by jtjmom View Post
Thank you, THANK YOU, rose! This is what I've been trying to tell him! I knew someone would understand...
I know that the system could be screwed up for decent people, you have to find the attorney that knows what they are doing.

My attorney was used for both of my cases in different parts of the state because I knew he knew the law and was worth what I was paying him to drive there.

Quote:
Originally Posted by jtjmom View Post
1. Even though he's paying what she's asking, she could technically get more, sue to the percentage of income thing. He Doesn't want to take that chance, because it would probably bankrupt us.
Has he done any of the child support calculators? I would start there.
Next, get the one emancipated, then if he does get an increase, it's only for one kid.
If the other is going to college, I know NJ takes everything into consideration, my support got lowered with the college kid, but he had to pay 75% of the college, I am disabled as well but was responsible for 25% - my son also had to foot some of it. IIRC, he got the 1st loan, then we got the loan for whatever his wouldn't pay for. Since he's a kid, he was only qualified for the Fannie Mae, there was a max amount, say $10,000 - we had to pay the rest of tuition loan offered by the college he went to. Hope you understand this. College was not a free ride for my son. The judge was also disgusted with my ex since he said my son didn't deserve college (or something to that effect)

The judge also took into account how many days per week and hours he was going to school saying he could still hold down a part time job for spending money.

When they got divorced, they both agreed to a certain amount. I imagine he's paying more then that now due to her "disability"? From what I understand, judges usually want proof that someone is permanently disabled, can she show that?

Quote:
Originally Posted by jtjmom View Post
2. She is sue-happy, and is currently "disabled" (bunk!) and getting money and insurance from her previous employer. Each time it runs out, she sues again, or works for two days, gets "hurt" again, then sues again. She hasn't worked in years, and tells the kids not to work as well. She is able to go to casinos and shop for hours on end, she can get a McJob! Her free money is running out, and now she is scrambling to keep it coming in. She's not going to give that up too easily.
Maybe getting a PI on it?
Make some phone calls to the state disability. I know they investigate here.


Quote:
Originally Posted by jtjmom View Post
3. We are three hours away from where the case is, but yes, we are looking for a different attorney.
You might think to make a post in your state section for an attorney recommendation.

Quote:
Originally Posted by jtjmom View Post
I will make him continue to press on, though. This whole thing with DSD is such a disaster. CPS has been involved several times throughout the years, and even though we were ready and able to accept the kids, they gave them back to her every time. Now this. I can understand why he's a little scared of her.
How long ago did he last go to court?
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