childs voice in visitation....Oregon (attorney, legal, support, toddlers)

[tiffela74]

Hey, I know I need to contact a lawyer, and plan to do so, but Im really really hoping that maybe someone on here has some prior experience w/the situation im in.
I have a 14yr old, who is on verrrrry rocky terms w/her bio-father. When we lived near him, when he did bother to get her for visitations, he would typically drop her off immediatly somewhere else for the weekend. Sometimes w/people she didnt even know. Most often w/his girlfriends exboyfriend. (weird, eh) so, for that, and other reasons, we moved about 5hrs away. Set it up in a modified order for alternating holidays/springbreak/and the standard month in the summer. Plus gave him the open option for any 3 or 4 day weekends she had, all throughout the school year.
Well......he takes the holidays, yes. This summer was the first time he ever took her for the month. He's never taken a single long weekend. When she does go there, she's miserable. he and his gf, live w/the gf Exbf and her daughter. (really really weird IMO) the girl is 11 or 12, and is allowed to say anything she wants to my daughter including very cruel and insulting things, they call it "Gabi's freedom of speech" My daughter has to do everything according to Gabi's wishes, the child can even tell her when and where she gets to sleep that night. My daughters father, pretty much ignores her. Leaves her w/the GF and GFEXBF. Or just goes into his room to play xbox or whatever and leaves mine hangin. the father and his GF fight a lot and I know that really stresses my daughter out. They degrade her in little ways, constantly. Well, my girl told her father she does NOT want to go there for holidays (gift giving is miserable, my daughter got a hannah montana poster and a pair of slippers, gabi got a Wii and a whole pile of stuff....not that we're materialistic, but that kind of obvious favortism really hurt her) and she does not want to have to sleep over. She said she would rather go stay w/his mother, who lives a few miles away, and see her father (NOT the GF and her daugher) each day. She tried talking reasonably to him, and he out and out told her "I dont care what you want. What you want doesnt matter. Only what I want" she tried to tell him why and how she was hurt, and he just kept telling her he didnt care, and what she thought/felt doesnt matter. Only his wants matter. (yes, he's a bit immature and pysco)
anyhow, does anyone have any idea on the age a child has to be to have a voice in visitations and/or the process to go about it?
help please?

[treeg26]

I think once the child is 13 they have a voice. I think you need to hire an attorney for your daughter. I'd talk to a lawyer - as each state is different.

Has you daughter called her Grandmother and talked to her about the holidays?

[vergla]

i always thought it 14 when a child had a voiced my nephew has already saids when he turns 14 he going to tell the judge he dosent want to go to his dads i agree you need to talk to the lawyer.

[tiffela74]

ya, the grandmother is all for it. She is more than willing to do this, the only issue is her relationship w/her son. He refuses to have anything to do with her. His reasoning for this is because she talks with me, and has come here to see my daughter. When he has exersized his visitation, she has asked to even just call her grandmother, and he refuses to let her. Even if he's elsewhere and my daughter is left w/the gfs exbf, shes not allowed to call anyone becuase its "HIS" visitation. sigh....so, ive kept communication between grandma and child for the last few years, and it makes him mad. sigh.
So Im off to the phone book to try and get some legal advise. Hopefully someone w/legal aide can help. Like most are right now, we're beyond broke. sigh
I do appriciate any on here though and thanks to you both for your responses!

[jtjmom]

I agree with the other posters. At 13 and 15, after being removed from their mentally unstable mother, my stepkids were allowed to return to her simply because they didn't want to come live with their dad. That's it, no other reason. So yeah, I say talk to a lawyer and see what you can do. It's not fair to keep making her miserable, and I'm sure a judge would love to know that her own father said that her wants don't matter, only his...

~D

[mommytotwo]

I would definitely talk to a lawyer.

Even if she was younger , I'd talk to a lawyer. The living situation over there sounds crazy to say the least.

If Dad is handing her off to other people I don't know why he objects to your dd staying with his mother, unless they don't get along.

poor girl. You must be beyond pissed off.

What happens if she just doesn't go?

[tiffela74]

well, i talked to a friend, whos brother in a lawyer, he relayed the infor and all, and the lawyer brother said it IS 14 that she has a choice. I should have paperwork on Monday. And that as for this holiday, if she out and out refuses to go, how am i supposed for force a 14yr old, who may do who knows what if she is tasered/hogtied and made to go? humm....
He doesnt care about spending time with her. She's always been a very low priority in his life. For him, its a power trip, and another way to try and control me. He was a very abusive husband. Lucky for him, he's never laid a hand on her, but the control on visits and what she does there, is his way of "lording it all over" us.He doesnt have the interest in her, but likes to show off his "Power" by forcing her to come to the visitations. He doesnt spend time with her, but doesnt want anyone else to either. its the "MINE MINE MINE!!! syndrome that most people experience in toddlers. sigh....im weary of the games. heck, i was weary of them 12 yrs ago, thats a biggie why we split!! anyhow......shes going to write him an email, telling him she will NOT be there for the holiday, and its her choice pure and simple. And that if he cant/wont agree to a modification of the visitations more on her terms that she feels comfortable with, she has my full support to go through the courts system.
So, as for what happens if she just doesnt go.....I guess we'll find out!!!!!

[okpondlady]

In Oklahoma, a child can refuse to go on visitations with the other parent after they are a certain age, I think 12. I am not that lucky..I seem to be stuck with my ex husband for the duration.