No Listening ! (party, teens, spank, parent)

[maciesmom]

Don't give up and for Pete's sake don't feel like you've failed based on a couple of young kids not listening! Besides being consistent, as previously mentioned, let them know what to expect. They are kids - to some extent, part of growing up is testing boundaries and they are doing this. Part of your job is to reinforce that. Get used to it - you'll be doing a lot over the next oh 15+ years! I also agree with taking some time to yourself - do you have a friend you could swap a night-out with? You take her kids one afternoon or evening and vice-versa? We used to do this when my kids were young so no one had to pay a babysitter. Sounds like you're stressed, exhausted and in need of some "me-time" - find a way - it really does help.

[88txaggie]

I agree with the whole thread so far (I have to wonder where the pro spank people have gone tonight?) ah well, I like these suggestions better. I will add:

You are not a mean mom. You are, simply, a mom. You made a decision based on their behavior. There will be other cool holiday things that you can do as a family. Now that they have had a good wake up call, and know mom means business, try this:

Tell them that for ____days of good behavior - ie listening to mom and doing what she says the first time - you 3 can go and look at Christmas lights together (or something similar). Start a behavior check list, be specific with how you want them to behave (look at me when I am talking, tell me what I just said, say 'ok', 'yes mom' or 'yes ma'am', then do what I say) give them checks, then # of checks = the special thing. They will shape up.

They are feeling the stress of the move, they are taking advantage when you do not follow through, and they hear a Charlie Brown teacher talking after about the 1st 3 words you say. Be clear, concise, and firm. Do not back down. Set a reasonable consequence and follow thru.

[88txaggie]

Oh, one more thing - whatever new thing you try, please try it consistently for at least 3 weeks. Don't switch from one thing to another too quickly. Know, also, that behavior you are trying to change gets worse before it gets better.

[charz]

My family moved to a different state a few months ago. Even though my kids are well-behaved kids (ages 4 and 6), their behavior deteriorated during the selling of the house and packing for a new one. I was stressed, which they picked up on, and the kids were upset about moving away from friends and the only house they had ever known. Once we moved and the stress let up, things got better.

That said, I remained consistent with discipline even through the move. When someone is consistent some of the time and inconsistent other times, that person is setting up "intermittent reinforcement". Intermittent reinforcement is tough to break. Casinos use intermittent reinforcement. For example, you win a small amount of money on a slot machine and continue to play, hoping to win more. If you never won any money on a slot machine, you would stop playing. If your children know that they always have a certain rule, they won't test you on it; however, if they know that mommy let them do it three weeks ago, they will test you to see if they can do it again.

[kimmieyky]

Originally Posted by NYMD67

I said "no,that is it,you guys have pushed it tonight and we are not going". They are still stunned I believe but I feel terrible.
I feel terrible because I took their fun away for the evening,it is Xmas time and it seems all that goes on right now is constant battles.(and they aren't even teenagers yet! help!)
I also feel terrible however because I feel as though for some reason,they don't respect me and I am started to question whether that is really the truth, maybe I don't demand their respect and not sure how to do that at this age?
To give a little more info... right now my husband is not around alot due to our pending move,he is frequently traveling to our new area and I am sure that some of this is also a result of it just being mom all the time and mom loosing her patience easier because I am the only person having to discipline at this time,I just feel it has gotten out of hand and I am at a loss.

Any pointers ????

Please, please, please - do not feel terrible. Drop the suitcase of motherhood guilt right now, before it becomes too heavy to carry.

You did the right thing. There have to be consequences to their actions, and you followed through. Good for you.

I can tell you this - change is a scary thing for kids at any age, Many adults cannot deal with it. You need to look past the behaviour and blame of yourself to what is going on around you.

Your DH is not around much now - big change and hard on the girls. I am sure you are tired and worn out from parenting on your own - that makes you more vulnerable.

You are getting ready for a big move. They know that, and while I am sure you have made the change seem wonderful - it is still change. The girls are reacting to the circumstances in the only way they know how - taking it out on the one person they are the closest to - you.

I have successfully, with many many tears - raised two boys - 23 and 19. I am now working on son #3, almost 9 months. It is never easy to know if you are doing the right thing at the right time, but you must have confidence in yourself and your ability as a mother. You stated the problems with the girls are fairly new - since the big life upheavel, it only makes sense they are acting out. It's normal.

My suggestion (worked for me when I separated from the boy's father , one was 8 one was 5): put on your pj's, pop some popcorn, and throw the pillows in the floor. It is time for a heart to heart. Discuss with them what is going on, the move, daddy being gone, and allow them to open up and share their fears. You may have to drag some of it out of them - but maybe not. Explain to them they need to be big girls right now and help mommy. Mommy misses daddy too, mommy is nervous about the move, and they need to help. Listening and minding is a big part of helping.

The 3 year old is more than likely following the lead of the 6 yr old - it's normal. I completely agree with you about respect at her age. She at least needs to understand grown-ups are to be listened to and minded. Period. No negotiation. The 6 year old can be allowed to plead her case, but knowing mommy will still make the decisions.

Yes, it's Christmas - which is another issue. This time of year turns every kid into a crazy little monster as they are so excited about the holiday, Santa, presents, etc. That alone is enough to make them nuts. Bundle that with your situation and there you go.

This is also a perfect time to set up some type of behaviour chart. I do not believe in rewarding kids for things they should be doing , but with the age of your kids, charting things they have done good - give a smiley face, bad - give a frown - will give them something to be proud of (or not) and show them what they need to work on. At the end of the day they can see how many times they have helped mommy instead of making her nuts, or how many times they made her sad. Sometimes a little child guilt goes a long way, and there is nothing wrong with that.

You will get through this. Just remember, you are a good mother, God gave these kids to you, so you must be capable. Don't forget to breathe, and take timeout's for yourself regularly if possible. I know being couped up with the kids 24/7 - no matter how good they are, can make a woman feel as though she is losing herself and not cut out to be a mother. ( I am in that boat as we speak) Those feelings are normal too.

The situation you are in has doubled or tripled those feelings, so you have to find time to pamper yourself. I know that sounds crazy (like there is enough time in the day), but the 6 year old can entertain the 3 year old, getting a smiley on her chart, while mommy takes a few minutes to breathe in another room and have some coffee - or a sip of wine! Pull out the baby monitor so you can still be in control, but take time for yourself.

God love ya - it's hard, I know, but this too shall pass. Try the chart, the heart to heart, share your fears with them, and make them feel as though you cannot get through this without their help (you really can't), and ALWAYS follow through - no matter what - without guilt.

You Go Girl!!!

Kimmieyky

[kimmieyky]

Originally Posted by 88txaggie

I agree with the whole thread so far (I have to wonder where the pro spank people have gone tonight?) ah well, I like these suggestions better.

LOL! I am here- but this is one of those times when spanking is not going to solve anything! Too many things in play for this to be outright defiance or a true discipline problem.

Otherwise, without the move or daddy gone - spank that tail and make 'em mind! There is always a line of to spank or not to spank - and it's not going to help - only hurt - in this case.

Spare the Rod - spare mom's mind! (this time! )

[saturdayskids]

spank'em

[121804]

Originally Posted by NYMD67

I feel terrible because I took their fun away for the evening,it is Xmas time and it seems all that goes on right now is constant battles.

To give a little more info... right now my husband is not around alot due to our pending move,he is frequently traveling to our new area and I am sure that some of this is also a result of it just being mom all the time and mom loosing her patience easier because I am the only person having to discipline at this time,I just feel it has gotten out of hand and I am at a loss.

Any pointers ????

Tonight, for the first time ever, my 3 year old son would not eat dinner for some reason & smashed all the food together & was just plain nasty at dinnertime. I had made a practice batch of candy cane sugar cookies & he was looking forward to having one after dinner. Oh well, guess you can figure out what the change of plans there. I felt bad but at the same time knew that I had to follow through with what I had said. For a moment I even rationalized that the cookie would at least give him some "food" for the evening as he cried & thus my 1yr old started to cry & of course my husband was at work.............. At bedtime, he apologized & told me he doesn't like peas, which was part of dinner, though at the time he was playing some babble talk game at the table. He told me on his own which leads me to believe that following through on MY end made him think & he got that his actions denied him a treat.

Children test. I am starting to believe it is just in their makeup. And when parents are overtired & overstressed & have many plates in the air....they test even more b/c they are picking up on the stress. They are too little to know how to process the stress they are feeling so many times they act out.

We moved last year. It was tough. I guarantee some of the acting out & disrespect is due to this & how they are dealing with moving.

But when moms start to feel frazzled b/c dh's are working quite a bit or gone quite a bit, everything takes on a new element of intensity b/c you feel like you are responsible for everything & then some with no break or help.

Find SOME time for you...be it 15 mins during naps or a few minutes after they go to bed....take a few minutes to stop & sit down. Take a breather.

You need to find a happy balance in your discipline. You also need to be consistent & confident. The minute they see a break in the confidence they go for whatever they can get.

You are really not alone & doubt few parents have NOT had to deal with this issue at these ages.

Sit down with your daughters. Tell them that there are lots of things going on & that since you are a family, you will work together as a family. Their job is to be cooperative & respectful. Give them some examples. Also, take some one on one with your 6yr old to try to figure out why she is frustrated.

Good luck.

[NYMD67]

Good Morning...

Thank you so much for such support and great ideas and constructive "criticism" as well
I do have to admit that I know very well that consistency is a huge issue with me because of the fact that sometimes (especially with my 3r old) it is just so much easier to give in than it is to follow through,just for lack of a break for me.. That will stop! I will stand strong! hehehehe...
I do appreciate the time that total strangers take to give some very good advice!
Hopefully the move will go well and once things start to feel somewhat "normal" again, things will also improve.
Thank you again-keep the advice coming !

[wanderintonc]

You're not a bad mom-you're a GOOD mom because you care enough to try to make it better!

Here is what I have found to help. When you tell the girls something, say something like 'look at mommy' . Make sure you have eye contact first, because I have found that if they aren't seeing me, they aren't listening well. Then say, for example, 'Please put away your shoes'. Then have the child say 'yes, mom' or whatever phrase you choose-this takes teaching and practice! Also, maybe have the child repeat back the command. Then, if the child does not obey, you need to discipline, immediately!

Teach and expect 'first-time obedience'. It takes time. It's totally worth it.