No Listening ! (punishment, teenagers, teaching, spanking)

[NYMD67]

I have now "given up", I feel that somewhere, somehow I have failed in this role of motherhood. It makes me sad to be honest.

I have 2 daughters,ages;3 & 6 ... they are beautiful,beautiful little girls who are soooo special to me. We have wonderful times of course and do lots of fun things,but honestly.. for the past few months, we have had a serious issue with no listening, just not doing it at all.
My 3 yr old is quite the challenge to begin with, pretty independent and wants what she wants.
I have tried everything,except spanking, I don't believe in it at all. I am at my wits end with her though. She just doesn't listen.
I take her beloved things away,take away dvd viewing,time out's,etc....
I feel like she just really has no respect for me and I know, she is only 3,but I believe at that age they should start to have an understanding of what respect is, somewhat.
My 6 yr old has just started exhibiting all the same behaviors and never did. We do have a lot going on right now,a pending move being the biggest issue.
I feel like I am constantly repeating my requests over and over again,and in return just get ignored ?
Tonight we were suppose to attend a Xmas celebration in our town with some friends,parade,etc... and I said that is it,we are not going.
I think at first both of them thought "yeah right" because yes, I do sometimes not follow through on things (however,in my defense,I would say that I do more so than not).
I said "no,that is it,you guys have pushed it tonight and we are not going". They are still stunned I believe but I feel terrible.
I feel terrible because I took their fun away for the evening,it is Xmas time and it seems all that goes on right now is constant battles.(and they aren't even teenagers yet! help!)
I also feel terrible however because I feel as though for some reason,they don't respect me and I am started to question whether that is really the truth, maybe I don't demand their respect and not sure how to do that at this age?
To give a little more info... right now my husband is not around alot due to our pending move,he is frequently traveling to our new area and I am sure that some of this is also a result of it just being mom all the time and mom loosing her patience easier because I am the only person having to discipline at this time,I just feel it has gotten out of hand and I am at a loss.

Any pointers ????

[ELOrocks17]

Whenever you tell them something..tell them to repeat it back to you so you can be sure they understand. If that doesnt work, give em a dose of thier own medicine and purposly ignore them when they talk to you. They are both old enough to pay attention.

[lovesMountains]

Originally Posted by NYMD67

I have now "given up", I feel that somewhere, somehow I have failed in this role of motherhood. It makes me sad to be honest.

I have 2 daughters,ages;3 & 6 ... they are beautiful,beautiful little girls who are soooo special to me. We have wonderful times of course and do lots of fun things,but honestly.. for the past few months, we have had a serious issue with no listening, just not doing it at all.
My 3 yr old is quite the challenge to begin with, pretty independent and wants what she wants.
I have tried everything,except spanking, I don't believe in it at all. I am at my wits end with her though. She just doesn't listen.
I take her beloved things away,take away dvd viewing,time out's,etc....
I feel like she just really has no respect for me and I know, she is only 3,but I believe at that age they should start to have an understanding of what respect is, somewhat.
My 6 yr old has just started exhibiting all the same behaviors and never did. We do have a lot going on right now,a pending move being the biggest issue.
I feel like I am constantly repeating my requests over and over again,and in return just get ignored ?
Tonight we were suppose to attend a Xmas celebration in our town with some friends,parade,etc... and I said that is it,we are not going.
I think at first both of them thought "yeah right" because yes, I do sometimes not follow through on things (however,in my defense,I would say that I do more so than not).
I said "no,that is it,you guys have pushed it tonight and we are not going". They are still stunned I believe but I feel terrible.
I feel terrible because I took their fun away for the evening,it is Xmas time and it seems all that goes on right now is constant battles.(and they aren't even teenagers yet! help!)
I also feel terrible however because I feel as though for some reason,they don't respect me and I am started to question whether that is really the truth, maybe I don't demand their respect and not sure how to do that at this age?
To give a little more info... right now my husband is not around alot due to our pending move,he is frequently traveling to our new area and I am sure that some of this is also a result of it just being mom all the time and mom loosing her patience easier because I am the only person having to discipline at this time,I just feel it has gotten out of hand and I am at a loss.

Any pointers ????

Well, there's part of your problem - you think YOU took away their fun but what really happened is that they lost the privilege to go have some fun by their behavior. Get your head screwed on straight - they need to learn about "consequences" - and tonight you did the hard job of teaching them about one. Now, don't go undo the lesson by feeling guilty or bad that you did the right thing!

For whatever reason (and I suspect it is definitely because you are not being consistent in your discipline) they don't believe everything you say. Correct this impression by starting immediately to always follow through on every thing you say. I'm betting they're bright kids - they'll get with the program when YOU keep the same program on and quit "changing the channel" on them

[treeg26]

Stand by what you say, Mom! I agree with making them repeat what you tell them. Be really "Mean" for a few days (by sticking by all punishments) and see what happens. With my kids they usually start listening a lot better after a few days. I tell them from the get go that I've had it with their behavior and it's going to change - pronto. Then I stick with every rule NO exceptions.

[vukinjo]

The only advice I have is to be consistent and follow through with what you say. They will get it. Also, I like the idea of having them repeat what you say. I would add, especially for the littlest one, to make sure you're getting down on her level and make her look at you when you ask her to do something. Finally...sometimes there is just so much going on that it gets to be too much for little ones. Try to slow everything down if you can, especially with the move and so much going on anyway.

[kc2sweet4ne1]

I would also like to suggest for you to take a break. Hire a sitter, send them to grandma's... something. You need to take a "time out" to regroup. It will give you a fresh start.

[cb at sea]

Sounds like you're training them to ignore you! Once you start repeating and they don't respond, you have to take action! Otherwise, you're simply letting them know that they can wait until you've repeated something 8 times before you'll act!
Kids need consistancy. Kids need a parent, not a friend. Lay down the law, give consequences if they don't behave or obey....they'll come around!

[mm_mary73]

Originally Posted by NYMD67

....To give a little more info... right now my husband is not around alot due to our pending move,he is frequently traveling to our new area and I am sure that some of this is also a result of it just being mom all the time and mom loosing her patience easier because I am the only person having to discipline at this time,I just feel it has gotten out of hand and I am at a loss.

Any pointers ????

They are feeling the stress as well. That said - you aren't their friend; you are their mother and are to be treated with respect. Would your mother and/or father have tolerated the behavior? Of course not!!! parenthood is not a democracy - it is a benevolent dictatorship at best and please don't dump on dad ("wait until I tell your father") John Redmond is a great proponent of parents and is a good read. Also, a glass of pinot or white zin (or a bottle ) helps as well. LOLOL

[haggardhouseelf]

You are so not alone, even though it probably feels that way.

Mama's used to have a community of family members or neighbors or good close friends who would naturally be there to help raise the children. Now our society is just wired completely different and we mama's have to seek out and ask for help... and because of this we tend to be really hard on ourselves, thinking that we're failing somehow at this motherhood thing.

Stop it! You just need help, mama.

Talk to your pediatrician or family doctor and ask for support. Another option is to find a parenting support group or parenting classes near you.

When my kids were that age we were involved in the PAT Program. WE LOVED IT. I learned so much and received wonderful support and made many good friends through that program. ( Program Search by State - Parents as Teachers )

Find help. We all need it from time to time.

[bibit612]

Don't feel guilty about instilling the discipline. I believe kids can sense that and use it against you...the guilt trip. Stay the course, Mom!