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Old 01-05-2013, 09:49 AM
 
Location: Coastal New Jersey
56,005 posts, read 54,523,130 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Army_Guy View Post
Was out at lunch with some guys that I went to high school with, graduated in '97, and when we were talking about where we lived, one of the guys was kind of embarrassed.

When asked, he stammered and said, "Oh, I'm back and forth" when the fact is that he still lives at home. At least he's still a full time student at 33

But I also know another guy who is 31, still lives at home, no education, work skills and works part time in retail. He also has no desire whatsoever to leave home and even said he'd rather live at home comfortably than struggle on his own.

So what do the folks here think? Is there an age where you are supposed to be gone and out of the house?

My parents have said outright that they enjoy not having the kids around anymore.
My brother is "home" at 46. He lived out for a while, with a woman who had a child, but she was an alcoholic and it all came to a head one day when the child was injured and the mother was so blitzed that she didn't realize her kid needed medical attention. My bro took the little girl to the hospital, but he was not her parent and couldn't sign any papers, and when the girlfriend showed up drunk, DYFS was called and the child was eventually removed from the home and the mother required to enter a program. That broke them up.

My brother moved back home "temporarily". That was about ten years ago. But, it's a good thing. My mom is 84, and with my brother there to take care of her house and fix things, she can stay in her home that she's lived in for 55 years. My brother uses the garage for his landscaping equipment. It works out for everyone.

My mother isn't doing his laundry or cleaning his room or anything, lol.
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Old 01-05-2013, 09:57 AM
 
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I'm going to somewhat agree with whatever works for the parties involved.

The lack of unconditional love, parents taking care of kids until death due them part (sarcasm), trailer trash for putting them out at 18 is laughable, at best...

I was glad to leave home and did so at age 17 (to attend college) but I wasn't raised in a typical two parent household. My children are fortunate to have both parents and my oldest left at the fresh age of 18 under the "strong persuasion" of us parents that it was best for him and everyone involved. If that sounds like we put him out..........um, yeah!

IMO, once children become legal adults and choose not to abide by house rules, refuse to make any effort to become independent (i.e employed, in school etc) it's time to go. I feel that way especially for boys, it's my bias. I grew up in an environment where my grandmother allowed her "boys" to live with her and do nothing. She's passed on to glory. Her "boys" are still in her home (read 40 years +). I don't have much respect for nor am I particularly attracted to a man who is able but not willing to leave home and become independent. At what age? asap!

If my youngest son is taking steps to become independent and he abides by house rules, he's welcome to stay home until his father and I deem it best that he branches on his own.

"Children"(read 18 years +) give signs, I think, that indicate such time has come.....they refuse to clean up behind themselves, they feel as if they can come and go as they please, they attempt to tell a parent what they will or will not do, they refuse to work and therefore help with any financial needs of the home, they have sex in the parents home...these are indications that it's time to be grown, in your OWN
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Old 01-05-2013, 10:16 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tell-the-Truth View Post
I'm going to somewhat agree with whatever works for the parties involved.

If my youngest son is taking steps to become independent and he abides by house rules, he's welcome to stay home until his father and I deem it best that he branches on his own.

"Children"(read 18 years +) give signs, I think, that indicate such time has come.....they refuse to clean up behind themselves, they feel as if they can come and go as they please, they attempt to tell a parent what they will or will not do, they refuse to work and therefore help with any financial needs of the home, they have sex in the parents home...these are indications that it's time to be grown, in your OWN
I think that you've hit the nail on the head here and I agree 100% with you. Living in my house, if you are an adult, comes with certain expectations which I expressed in my earlier post. Just yesterday, my friend was relating some stories about her 25 year old son. When he takes a shower, he drops all his clothes on the floor for mommy to take to the laundry, never puts a dish put in the sink, he and girlfriend coming and going whenever they want. Fortunately, he finally took a job and there are signs that he and his girlfriend may move out. I am sympathetic to the economy, job market etc but I refuse to be a doormat in my own house with people walking all over me.

Personally, I was out of the house at 17 in the military (actually a military college) and likewise for my hubby in college. Once we graduated, we were in the Army and on our own.
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Old 01-05-2013, 10:35 AM
 
47,573 posts, read 60,617,927 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Linmora View Post
I think that you've hit the nail on the head here and I agree 100% with you. Living in my house, if you are an adult, comes with certain expectations which I expressed in my earlier post. Just yesterday, my friend was relating some stories about her 25 year old son. When he takes a shower, he drops all his clothes on the floor for mommy to take to the laundry, never puts a dish put in the sink, he and girlfriend coming and going whenever they want. Fortunately, he finally took a job and there are signs that he and his girlfriend may move out. I am sympathetic to the economy, job market etc but I refuse to be a doormat in my own house with people walking all over me.

Personally, I was out of the house at 17 in the military (actually a military college) and likewise for my hubby in college. Once we graduated, we were in the Army and on our own.
Yes exactly. The best thing is to grow up and become a fully functioning adult capable of making your own decisions, even mistakes and knowing how to correct them.

Not everyone can become a fully functioning adult and then the best thing is to stay with mommy and daddy and let them take care of you.

One thing is that our society can not keep adding many to the welfare rolls, we could eliminate the whole Section 8 program by having the third world model where adult children and their children simply never move out of their childhood home. They wouldn't need $1000 housing voucher checks that way, their moms and dads can provide them their free housing.

People who fail to save up for their retirement years could just move in with their childfren or stay living in the same home their adult children never left and be provided free nursing care the rest of their days -- that would save a lot on Medicaid and nursing home costs.

In the past in the USA, there were those who could never leave home. They may have had mental issues, drinking problems that kept them from ever getting completely on their own feet and in the past before all the social programs and government handouts, the solution for them was to stay with their parents. We should return to that model, but it still doesn 't change the ideal is to raise your kids to be independent and self-reliant. And also for the elderly to remain independent and self-reliant.

There is a misconception that all elderly Americans are put into nursing homes when actually most are independent, often traveling and still working. My grandfather didn't retire until age 84, he was far from helpless and incapable. He never lived in any nursing home. There are Americans in their 90s who are still active, sharp and working -- Betty White is a celebrity example. Far from helpless and needy on her descendents.
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Old 01-05-2013, 11:35 AM
 
Location: Florida
3,241 posts, read 4,571,993 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JustJulia View Post
I can only decide for my own family. Two of the kids can stay as long as they are in school or otherwise working toward a responsible future (working full-time, saving money, etc.). And of course they can come back in a crisis--that's what families do. But they will not be living with us indefinitely with no job or school or plan. Our third child is disabled and will probably live with us or in a group home all her life. Of course she is held to a different standard.
The points you brought up, I guess I should have been more specific in my original post.

You stated job, school or plan. The 31 year old guy in my first post has a job but it's a part time job, doesn't make much. But to me, the most troubling thing, and it seems to be the thing with today's generation: no plan.

He has no education beyond high school, no trade skills, no real work skills besides retail and a grocery store. No plans, either.

I've tried to help the guy before, spoke with him about the military. Said he "didn't want to give up his freedom" whatever that means.

Hooked him up with a buddy who is a painter, someone who could teach him some job skills and make much better than retail pay. The guy is in poor physical condition, smokes at least a pack a day, overweight around the midsection, doesn't exercise so after a day of work, he was pretty beat so he pretty much gave up on it without saying so. He told my buddy that he had band practice so he couldn't work with him.

Obviously, those with physical or mental disabilities are not the folks I'm referring to. I'm referring to the able bodied who seem to have no desire to ever leave and the parents who will coddle their adult children at home.

And yes, his mother still cooks for him, does his laundry and financially supported him in getting a new vehicle when his old one (a hand me down from the parents) had finally bit the dust.
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Old 01-05-2013, 12:25 PM
 
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I know a guy in his late 40s who never moved away and has worked about 4 years total in his whole life. He lives in his grandparents' house, the grandfather is in his late 80s, his mother had to go back to work in her late 60s after retiring a number of years ago so she could make ends meet. The house was paid off decades ago so no one has a house payment but the boy likes nice clothes and a nice car and computer so mom still has to provide things for him.

He says he would work if the pay is high enough but no one has come by the home offering him a high enough paying job -- so he'll just stay as he is. His mom is a low wage earner -- and he's content to live off her earnings. Probably until she keels over and then who knows what he'll do, he hasn't worked enough quarters for social security and his lack of job history is going to hurt him if he ever should want to work.

He never married but says he would like to -- not so many women want to marry a momma's boy and move into her house.

Another woman I know is in her 60's now, she still lives at home caring for her elderly and ill parents. She works but cannot travel at all, she missed out on having a family of her own -- not so many men want to marry and move into the matriarch/patriarch house and live the ways of the old country. Her parents refuse to have any temporary caregivers tend to them so this woman cannot even take a weekend trip and travel anywhere -- unless she were to take them along but that is difficult with their conditions. Her parents don't seem to mind at all that she has given up any kind of life of her own for them. I wouldn't do that to my kids -- that's not the reason I had them.

It's peoples' own business however what they do and how they raise their kids. There are big advantages however in having the kids out on their own at some point - but if one prefers to remain home and you're okay with that -- it's fine - as long as you didn't have to cripple them emotionally or put a guilt trip on them if they wanted their own life and if you gave them enough independence that they could survive on their own if needed.
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Old 01-05-2013, 02:34 PM
 
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Originally Posted by malamute View Post
It probably is becoming the culture in the USA to have kids never grow up and leave home -- that way they can accept much lower wages or part time work or accept long spells on unemployment.

When you have many families living under the same roof, no one needs very decent wages. Adult children can accept those lower paying jobs, and also the parents don't need to worry about saving for retirement, they can expect to live off their children.

The American middle class is being destroyed, it used to require decent enough wages and jobs to leave home by age 18-21, and it was normal in the past to have one-family houses. Now we're becoming like thos other cultures where you see one family to a bedroom so a 4 bedrroom house can accomodate 4 or 5 nuclear families. Teenagers can all sleep in the living room while parents and younger children sleep in individual bedrooms.

There is far less pressure to marry because bachelor sons can do their own thing and never grow up -- the perfect life of a playboy because boys can remain boys, their girlfriends and kids can stay living with the girls' parents and be cared for by them or be moved into the boys' homes for his parents to provide and care for the grandchildren.

Our independence was what made this country what it was, but now we see the need to throw away all that and move to the ways of the third world with crowded living conditions and no more need for middle class wages. 40 year olds with kids of their own can easily accept lower wages when they have no house payment or property taxes to worry about.
The nuclear family is actually a rather recent development. For the past 70,000 years of human history we have lived very successfully in extended families and it is only in the last 100 years that we have done anything different.

Family Patterns - Patterns of Family Structure through the Modern Era, The Twentieth Century - Encyclopedia of Children and Childhood in History and Society

Quote:
Children could remain under the family hearth only if there was a viable means of sustaining them. Otherwise they were sent to work as domestic servants, laborers, or apprentices, living in employers' houses. Frequently in northwest Europe and North America, marriage took place only when the couple could afford to set up an independent household.

Last edited by Green Irish Eyes; 01-05-2013 at 05:09 PM.. Reason: Edited for copyright
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Old 01-05-2013, 03:00 PM
 
47,573 posts, read 60,617,927 times
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Originally Posted by nana053 View Post
The nuclear family is actually a rather recent development. For the past 70,000 years of human history we have lived very successfully in extended families and it is only in the last 100 years that we have done anything different.

Family Patterns - Patterns of Family Structure through the Modern Era, The Twentieth Century - Encyclopedia of Children and Childhood in History and Society
Yes. It evolved with and contributed to a middle class life style with single family homes and an upwardly mobile kind of people.

It is far more traditional to have low wages, a more agrarian way of life with 6 women working together in the kitchen, arranged marriages and all the rest. The nuclear family has been around for more than 100 years however, my own family has known of one-family households for several generations, going back into the 1800's. First it was the homesteaders, but they built separate homes for each but still lived near each other but farmed together to some extent but with separate properties. A more urban life pushed families into the nuclear family even more.

I think as the middle class collapses as it appears to be the case now, we'll revert more into the old ways where generations live in the same small house and crammed much more closely together. The days of one or two children per bed may be coming to a close, when you have several sets of families living under one roof, you don't have that kind of space.
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Old 01-05-2013, 06:26 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by malamute View Post
Yes. It evolved with and contributed to a middle class life style with single family homes and an upwardly mobile kind of people.

It is far more traditional to have low wages, a more agrarian way of life with 6 women working together in the kitchen, arranged marriages and all the rest. The nuclear family has been around for more than 100 years however, my own family has known of one-family households for several generations, going back into the 1800's. First it was the homesteaders, but they built separate homes for each but still lived near each other but farmed together to some extent but with separate properties. A more urban life pushed families into the nuclear family even more.

I think as the middle class collapses as it appears to be the case now, we'll revert more into the old ways where generations live in the same small house and crammed much more closely together. The days of one or two children per bed may be coming to a close, when you have several sets of families living under one roof, you don't have that kind of space.
There are many other factors that led to the changes. Well-off people followed the same patterns in the past. It was not always small cramped homes that contained multiple generations!

Children generally did not leave home until marriage, and in some cases not even then. Beside the unusual middle-class prosperity following WWII, changing marriage patterns & social mores, increased job mobility, longevity, and an increasingly youth orientated society which early on places big 'relationship value' on peers rather than family played important parts in changing patterns. Post WWII prosperity and things like Social Security. company retirement benefits, Medicare, also allowed PARENTS to be more independent.

I personally value extended family & mixed generational households - one way or the other. No older family member ever lived in a nursing home, no son or daughter was ever told it was time to get out or that they couldn't come back after some foray into glorified independence. Did some move far away? sure. Did some stay at home till they could afford to buy their own homes? sure Did some never get married and never leave? also sure. Did staying in the household mean they didn't contribute? absolutely not! That was always taken for granted.

Basically I believe that if we are raised with a sense of responsibility, knowledge of the value of our evolving contributions to the family, that moving out or not doesn't become an issue. Recognizing some of the current changes in the economy, parents might be doing themselves a favor instilling some of that family responsibility early on....
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Old 01-05-2013, 07:29 PM
 
Location: Somewhere out there...
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My 27 year old son moved back home a year ago after the company he worked for closed the doors and his unemployment wasn't enough to cover the bills.
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