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Old 01-04-2013, 09:26 PM
 
Location: Between amicable and ornery
1,097 posts, read 1,450,737 times
Reputation: 1468

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Quote:
Originally Posted by TiltheEndofTime View Post
You missed thd point.

Parenting isnt just about the financial obligation. Parenting is about guidance and emotional support when life kicks a person down. Even though my mom is fifty, she knows that she can go to her parents for counsel or help. My mom is financially independent but is grateful that she has her parents and their wisdom around.

And I disagree. I believe in respecting one's elders and helpijg care for them in retirement. I would rather eat dirt than put my mom in a nursing home. In Asian cultures, children are expected to help parents in their old age just as parents are expected to help their young adult children. America could learn a lot from other cultures. We don't value family or our elders as we should but instead dump them into crappy nursing homes and rarely visit them. I am not about that. Nope.
^^This.

Some people are posting on the premise that their offspring will not be functional adults (and not because of medical reasons), evidently due to bad parenting. My meaning of having a multi-generational family is somewhat in the lines of it takes a village.

I read the funniest rebuttal to a begging woman on craigslist one day and it rings true. This woman was begging for charity based on the fact that she and her boyfriend broke up and she had a child with another man who wasn't facing up to his responsibilities, plus pets to feed. This guy pretty much told her that she made bad choices in life, to stop mooching off of people including taxpayers and to close her legs and stop procreating. (But he didn't use the word "procreating"). He suggested for her to move back home with her parents and learn everything that she failed to learn the first time. Just wanted to share that.

Ideally everyone would contribute to the multi-generational household and come and go as needed. Not as a sentence to servitude, but out of love and respect. Where is the value? Having a big old empty house, depreciating assets or teaching our own children about family and loyalty? IJS.
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Old 01-04-2013, 09:29 PM
 
777 posts, read 838,788 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by malamute View Post
The problem with that however is "lifelong responsibility". If you raise your kids to never learn independence or self-reliance, you're making a mistake because they will most likely out-live you and what happens to those over-grown age 50 or 60 years children when they lose their mommies and daddies?

I believe your responsibility is to teach and allow independence and self-reliance and raise them to be capable adults who don't still need parenting past 18-21 years of age. Teaching them to be fearful and scared to leave isn't doing anyone a favor. Legally also you are only obligated to provide for your babies until they reach adulthood -- if you've done your job right, they're capable and strong and can leave the nest and fly on their own.
Maybe the adult children aren't scared to fly the nest, but just enjoy living with their parents. The same way they would enjoy living with roommates. You can still be self reliant living with your parents, just like one can be self reliant living with a spouse/roommate/sibling. That has nothing to do with it. Every situation is not the same. Every adult who lives with their parents is not being supported by their parents. I don't see why it's anyone else's business.
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Old 01-04-2013, 09:42 PM
 
1,825 posts, read 1,415,299 times
Reputation: 1375
Quote:
Originally Posted by Army_Guy View Post
Was out at lunch with some guys that I went to high school with, graduated in '97, and when we were talking about where we lived, one of the guys was kind of embarrassed.

When asked, he stammered and said, "Oh, I'm back and forth" when the fact is that he still lives at home. At least he's still a full time student at 33

But I also know another guy who is 31, still lives at home, no education, work skills and works part time in retail. He also has no desire whatsoever to leave home and even said he'd rather live at home comfortably than struggle on his own.

So what do the folks here think? Is there an age where you are supposed to be gone and out of the house?

Some parents believe in unconditional love, that they should help their offspring at any age. Some kids have mental &/or physical problems in adulthood. Others work at low-paying jobs that might be only part-time. Around here, you can't get an apartment for under $700-$800/mo. Govt subsided apartments may be affordable, but there is a long waiting list. Add that to cost of food, cost of car or bus fare. It isn't likely for a young person to be promoted to high level in big corporation. A person can send out 100s of resumes & still not get a job.

Unless the parents or kids are really at war, they might be best to stay together.
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Old 01-05-2013, 12:57 AM
 
8,224 posts, read 10,778,776 times
Reputation: 7621
This thread came at the right time for me.....

I'm was in the opposite situation.
My Mom,brothers and sisters lived together.
My siblings and I paid the rent,bought the food,etc. She cooked and cleaned,and babysat my sister's kids.
to the outside world,I'm was living with my mom,but its actually she who lived with us.
We are 19 years apart in age. She wasn't working at the time.
Everyone always assumed I lived with her and that I was a loser. One guy refused to date me because I still lived with mom.

As others have stated,maybe the kids are paying the rent and the mom just lives there?
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Old 01-05-2013, 01:01 AM
 
8,224 posts, read 10,778,776 times
Reputation: 7621
Quote:
Originally Posted by MAXIALE02 View Post
^^This.

Some people are posting on the premise that their offspring will not be functional adults (and not because of medical reasons), evidently due to bad parenting. My meaning of having a multi-generational family is somewhat in the lines of it takes a village.

I read the funniest rebuttal to a begging woman on craigslist one day and it rings true. This woman was begging for charity based on the fact that she and her boyfriend broke up and she had a child with another man who wasn't facing up to his responsibilities, plus pets to feed. This guy pretty much told her that she made bad choices in life, to stop mooching off of people including taxpayers and to close her legs and stop procreating. (But he didn't use the word "procreating"). He suggested for her to move back home with her parents and learn everything that she failed to learn the first time. Just wanted to share that.

Ideally everyone would contribute to the multi-generational household and come and go as needed. Not as a sentence to servitude, but out of love and respect. Where is the value? Having a big old empty house, depreciating assets or teaching our own children about family and loyalty? IJS.

Regarding the Craigslist ad and the reply,that doesn't make sense.
What if her parents didn't teach her in the first place?
How does the person who answered the ad even know that the woman has parents who care?
Everyone makes bad choices,EvERYONE.
Maybe she lost her job,how is that a bad choice? Sheesh
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Old 01-05-2013, 01:27 AM
 
6,816 posts, read 6,945,820 times
Reputation: 5486
Quote:
Originally Posted by Georgiafrog View Post
Good post. I moved out of the house at age 17, did for myself until I got married at 19, moved back in to my folks basement apartment to save up and buy a house, bought a house and moved out for good at 21. I was never pressured to move. I did so because I wanted to. I could move back in with them even now at 34 if I wanted/needed to.

But the main point of your post that I agree with is the nursing home bit. There is no way that either of my parents will go to one. I will take them in forever if I need to. It would be impossible for me to send two people who taught me so much, loved me so much, and did so much for me off somewhere to die. There is just nothing good about those places.

As for my own kids, I will push both of them to get through college, and afford them any help I can through that time. I would kind of expect them to move on afterwards, but will never close the door if they are trying and being responsible. Time will tell. My oldest is 12, the younger is 8.

Great post. My parents have done so much for me personally...it would be hard to see them in a nursing home.
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Old 01-05-2013, 06:50 AM
 
121 posts, read 186,216 times
Reputation: 108
Quote:
Originally Posted by Army_Guy View Post
Was out at lunch with some guys that I went to high school with, graduated in '97, and when we were talking about where we lived, one of the guys was kind of embarrassed.

When asked, he stammered and said, "Oh, I'm back and forth" when the fact is that he still lives at home. At least he's still a full time student at 33

But I also know another guy who is 31, still lives at home, no education, work skills and works part time in retail. He also has no desire whatsoever to leave home and even said he'd rather live at home comfortably than struggle on his own.

So what do the folks here think? Is there an age where you are supposed to be gone and out of the house?

My parents have said outright that they enjoy not having the kids around anymore.
The "leaving home ASAP" mentality is popular in the US only pretty much...in Europe and other parts of the world there is no pressure put on children to "leave home"!

The added stress of having to pay for everything killing your opportunity to save up is just not worth it elsewhere. We live in the US now and have no plans to tell our kids to leave the house after their graduate HS or earlier. What's the point??? We want them to stay home as long as they need too, and save up their money so when they've saved up enough they can buy a nice place for themselves. But I will NOT encourage apartment living over staying home. We may ask them to pay us rent which we would also save up for them, but just so they understand paying bills and so forth...but would never pressure them to leave. It is a LOT easier to accommodate "schedules" than live on their own, and especially in THIS economy.
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Old 01-05-2013, 07:35 AM
 
Location: Not where I want to be
4,826 posts, read 7,269,892 times
Reputation: 7662
1. 25 years old should be the cutoff. By 25, you should be done with your college (and a masters program if you choose) and have worked a long enough time to save enough money to either get an apartment or put a down payment to purchase an apartment or a house.

2. If you want to live in your parent(s) home after 25, you're a room-mate. You should be paying for half of everything and chip in on half of all the chores.

I've known people who lived with their parents well into adulthood:

One group was straight from Italy. There were 3 sons --- all grown, in their 30s, 40s, all still living at home, mama doing everything for them (including cleaning and laundry). They were all great guys, though, had their own business, were respectful, etc. I'm thinking that was a cultural thing. (not really sure what they did about girlfriends, though.... I do know one of the brothers got married and he and his wife lived with his parents, too, which I found very weird)

Another is just a woman I know. She's 50, still lives with her parents. It was by choice. Her parents gave all the children in the family a choice when they were late teens, maybe 21. Either they would be given a certain amount of money to fly out on their own, buy a house, start a business, or do whatever they wanted with the money but that was a final choice, no more handouts. The second choice was to stay living at home with the parents and that person (or people) would inherit the family home and land when the parents died. She chose to stay home and she still lives there, never married, never had kids.

I have a 14 year old. I can go either way. If she wants to stay at home, she can so long as she's working and contributing her fair share.
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Old 01-05-2013, 09:24 AM
 
47,573 posts, read 60,610,897 times
Reputation: 22283
Quote:
Originally Posted by TiltheEndofTime View Post
You missed thd point.

Parenting isnt just about the financial obligation. Parenting is about guidance and emotional support when life kicks a person down. Even though my mom is fifty, she knows that she can go to her parents for counsel or help. My mom is financially independent but is grateful that she has her parents and their wisdom around.

And I disagree. I believe in respecting one's elders and helpijg care for them ito n retirement. I would rather eat dirt than put my mom in a nursing home. In Asian cultures, children are expected to help parents in their old age just as parents are expected to help their young adult children. America could learn a lot from other cultures. We don't value family or our elders as we should but instead dump them into crappy nursing homes and rarely visit them. I am not about that. Nope.
And what happens to your helpless mother when her parents die from old age? Then where will she run for advice?

I disagree with keeping adult children dependent on parents -- financially or emotionally. I want my kids to not need me but to be capable adults who can make their own way in life. Our relationship when they are over 21 should not be based on helplessness and neediness, it should be based on love and respect and affection but not on dependency.

I also did not have children only to get free caretakers for when I'm old. I would never expect a child to give up his or her own family to dote on me and care for me --- I'd be horrified to have a child of mine do nothing but change my diapers -- to me that's the height of selfishness to believe a child must give up a career and family for that.

My own parents insisted they would never want to be rememebered by their children that way and would prefer a nursing home to that -- but neither ended up in a nursing home. I would rather be like my Dad and stay working and independent to the end. And like my parents, I don't consider my kids to be my free nurse-maids who can have no life of their own.
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Old 01-05-2013, 09:35 AM
 
47,573 posts, read 60,610,897 times
Reputation: 22283
Quote:
Originally Posted by algia10 View Post
The "leaving home ASAP" mentality is popular in the US only pretty much...in Europe and other parts of the world there is no pressure put on children to "leave home"!

The added stress of having to pay for everything killing your opportunity to save up is just not worth it elsewhere. We live in the US now and have no plans to tell our kids to leave the house after their graduate HS or earlier. What's the point??? We want them to stay home as long as they need too, and save up their money so when they've saved up enough they can buy a nice place for themselves. But I will NOT encourage apartment living over staying home. We may ask them to pay us rent which we would also save up for them, but just so they understand paying bills and so forth...but would never pressure them to leave. It is a LOT easier to accommodate "schedules" than live on their own, and especially in THIS economy.
It probably is becoming the culture in the USA to have kids never grow up and leave home -- that way they can accept much lower wages or part time work or accept long spells on unemployment.

When you have many families living under the same roof, no one needs very decent wages. Adult children can accept those lower paying jobs, and also the parents don't need to worry about saving for retirement, they can expect to live off their children.

The American middle class is being destroyed, it used to require decent enough wages and jobs to leave home by age 18-21, and it was normal in the past to have one-family houses. Now we're becoming like thos other cultures where you see one family to a bedroom so a 4 bedrroom house can accomodate 4 or 5 nuclear families. Teenagers can all sleep in the living room while parents and younger children sleep in individual bedrooms.

There is far less pressure to marry because bachelor sons can do their own thing and never grow up -- the perfect life of a playboy because boys can remain boys, their girlfriends and kids can stay living with the girls' parents and be cared for by them or be moved into the boys' homes for his parents to provide and care for the grandchildren.

Our independence was what made this country what it was, but now we see the need to throw away all that and move to the ways of the third world with crowded living conditions and no more need for middle class wages. 40 year olds with kids of their own can easily accept lower wages when they have no house payment or property taxes to worry about.
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