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We are still together. Not everyone goes as frequently. We are all back at work (paying college tuition now!) so don't have that "need" to get out and have adult discussions etc. but we do meet most months (after a few years we figured out not to meet over the summer). It's been fun to hear about the kids and their lives over the years. But we absolutely did all meet when our kids were in preschool together and we all needed to get out of the house for adult, thought provoking discussion. We chose to meet once a month at someones home. We didn't meet until 8 pm since the kiddos would be fed, bathed and in bed by that time (we now meet earlier for dinner - since we all have to be at work the next day!). Periodically, we would meet for a movie - especially if a movie had been made about a book we read. It was a very nice way to get out of the house. I highly suggest it. BTW, since we were all on young family budgets, we would make sure to choose books that were NOT new best sellers - either easily available in the library (past the waiting list time) or in paperback -and it was not (and still is not) unusual to pass the book along once read.
I think that's so great. As SAHM with young children, I always find we come up with so many excuses not to get together. You are a perfect example of how to make it work and work and work! Thank you!
I think that's so great. As SAHM with young children, I always find we come up with so many excuses not to get together. You are a perfect example of how to make it work and work and work! Thank you!
I would love to be a stay at home mom when I get older! It sounds fantastic!
I have a very good friend, who I adore to pieces, who has "let herself go" in a very bad way. She is a SAHM, she spends day in and out with her son, naps with him (he's almost 3), yes naps WITH HIM. He cosleeps with them in their bed. She doesnt do much else as far as hobbies or involve herself in mommy groups or anything. like to be alone and watch soap operas, eats at her parents house most of the time, and just has a very simple life, which is fine. all that matters is that she's happy.
It is not normal for a mom to nap with a 3yo unless he wakes up in the middle of the night. Do you know if she has trouble falling asleep? She may have insomnia which may be a symptom of depression.
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Originally Posted by oceanblue
But Im wondering if she really is happy, because the past few years, she has truly let herself go. She dresses VERY sloppy, almost as if she just walked out of bed, even if we are at a big holiday get together. Im a little sad and embarassed for her.
If she has gained weight she probably doesn't have anything that fits her. It takes a while to accept that the extra weight is here to stay.
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Originally Posted by oceanblue
Im not saying that all that matters is looks and appearance, but it's at the point where people ask my sister and me if everything is ok with her (Her clothes and hair look frumpy and unwashed), she has gained a little weight, but so have I, so I KNOW the feeling of trying to cover up and sometimes hating the way you look, but I try very hard to look somewhat decent, some makeup, get my hair and nails done, etc.
Being a SAHM she may not have time to get hair and nails done. That wouldn't concern me. But one thing is dressing comfortable an another is not taking care of personal hygiene. That could be a sign of depression.
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Originally Posted by oceanblue
I just dont know if this is something that even a close friend can approach someone about. What do I say? how do I say it ?
She's the cutest thing ever. has a gorgeous face, and is only slightly overweight, almost nothing, it's more about how she dresses and carries herself, that has really made me so sad for her.
She seems to be happy about her life. Any time we've mentioned to her, to get involved in mommy groups/playdates, she yesses us to death, and has never gone to any, and her son is almost 3.
IVe suggested to her working p/t just to get out of the house, maybe even a local daycare so she can take her son with her for free. she yesses that to death to, and never does anything..
help =(
If she is truly depressed you will never be able to talk her into doing the things that she should do. All you may be able to do is take her out sometime. She would have to realize she is depressed and seek professional help on her own. Do you talk to her parents? Maybe you can feel them out to see what they think. They should be the ones to suggest depression. If you approach her directly she may cut you off and then you will no be able to help her when she starts coming out of it.
You are such a great friend. I hope to one day have one as caring as you are.
I agree. I've been depressed before and even though it wasn't the first time, I STILL didn't recognize it. If she's depressed, she won't realize it. What does her husband have to say about it? The more you can get her out w/ you, the better. Laughter and being away from it all helped me to finally realize something was wrong.
I don't want to make light of your concern, because I believe it is real and that there could be something wrong. However, it sounds like you don't have children, or if you do, have a different parenting style than your friend. For one, the comment about napping with her three year old--that is extremely normal and she may need the nap as her child may not be sleeping well at night still (which is also normal). Plus, I don't ever get my "hair done" or my nails, even when I'm trying to look nice. And you also seemed to put emphasis on her gaining weight, even though you were trying to make it sound like it really wasn't a big deal (if it wasn't to you, why are you bringing it up?). Hell, most mothers are okay with only gaining a little weight.
So, I say all this to give you perspective when you approach her. People can totally change after becoming a mommy and there may be nothing wrong with your friend at all--just a change in priorities and lifestyle.
I would just tell her that you have missed her company and wonder if you two could spend a couple nights a month as a girls-night-out, as others have suggested. This way you still get to connect with your friend, slowly find out if anything is bothering her that you can help with, allow her to rediscover herself apart from "mommy," all the while not inadvertantly attacking her parenting skills or her new life.
Good luck!
Thanks for the replies everyone.
crazyme---How and why does it sound like I dont have children ?????
FOr the record, I have 3 children, VERY close in age. I work part time hours, have gone to college at night while the kids were very small, I just organize my life in ways that I keep myself challenged and accomplish goals while still enjoying my children. I havent worked f/t ever since my first was born, but have always been involved in clubs, organizations, for myself and for them.
I have short term and long term goals, I feel like having goals puts life into perspective, and makes a mom feel like she's still an individual and still CAN accomplish everything set out before the kids, just maybe at a much slower pace, and sets an example that mommy likes to write/read, do things for people, etc. I Think it's important that our children see is in different roles as well.
also, "getting my hair done", I mean in my own bathroom, not sure why youre getting so defensive. and maybe the once in a blue moon hair color/trim, at one of the least expensive places in town. Im one of the most frugal moms you will ever meet. my hubby tells me to write a book about my money saving ways, so before you judge me there also, sorry for not specifying. and my nails, yes, I go get them done, and will never stop, $5 for a manicure?? why not ?
and she nas mentioned her weight MANY times, and has even been crushed when a VERY close family member said to her, some very cruel things (she posted about this on a public website).
I mentioned the napping with her child, because that is her agenda every day. and he is almost 3. breakfast, playtime, nap (She naps/watches tv), it's a life of the two of them alone day in and day out.
There are SOOOOOOOOOO many playgroups in her area. WE've sent her links and websites and even given her names of girls WE contacted for her.
to no avail. so I say it because it's the highlight of her day, and the only thing on her mind is when they will nap. HE is very attached to her, and doesnt adapt quickly socially when many kids are together. She still feeds him like one would feed an infant (bottle in a quiet room as she rocks him, pacifier, baby jars).
She has so many moms to ask for advice and even when she does, like I said earlier, she yesses it, and continues her thing. She will be overwhelmed about something and we tell her it's normal and will pass (and give advice) but she continues to stay in her frame of mind.
So I too was wondering if there was something other than just "Being comfy". Yes I love to be comfy too, at home in sweats, but we were at a holiday party. and she was beyond "comfy". My heart breaks when others ask me if she's ok, if she's preggo, she's changed so much, etc.
Im just not sure what to say or do.
As far as girls nights out. I have my share of them. maybe once a month or so. sometimes more depending on if different groups go out. Im actually hosting one very soon. As far as getting out. she chooses not to drive, so she is completely dependent on her husband to even leave the house. (she chooses to be dependent and not venture out on her own).
she will not venture to get out on her own, with public transportation, which makes it hard. I dont live too close to her, and picking her up and dropping her off is not as easy as it sounds. (we not all live very spread out, we try to choose a mid location) we've done it numerous times for them, as have many friends and family members. Even when we do offer to pick her up, she'll say that her son is whining so she wont leave him.
IT's just very hard to give her advice or even peel her out of her home.
Thanks for all the advice ladies, I will see if she comes to the next girls night out, but highly doubt it...
Also, we've noted that her hubby, although he's a sweet and very kind and funny guy, does NOTHING for the child when they are out. every single thing needed, he hollers her name across the house and she comes running.
Many or almost all other husbands among us, do everything from bathing to diapers. Her husb has never yet bathed their son, so maybe she is also overwhelmed in feeling that she "should" do it all as the mother.
Last edited by oceanblue; 01-01-2009 at 01:26 PM..
I mentioned the napping with her child, because that is her agenda every day. and he is almost 3. breakfast, playtime, nap (She naps/watches tv), it's a life of the two of them alone day in and day out.
There are SOOOOOOOOOO many playgroups in her area. WE've sent her links and websites and even given her names of girls WE contacted for her.
to no avail. so I say it because it's the highlight of her day, and the only thing on her mind is when they will nap. HE is very attached to her, and doesnt adapt quickly socially when many kids are together. She still feeds him like one would feed an infant (bottle in a quiet room as she rocks him, pacifier, baby jars).
This sound like a very dysfunctional relationship. I really hope she doesn't have plans to homeschool him.
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Originally Posted by oceanblue
As far as getting out. she chooses not to drive, so she is completely dependent on her husband to even leave the house. (she chooses to be dependent and not venture out on her own).
This is very strange. Could this be an abusive relationship where the husband doesn't let her do it?
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Originally Posted by oceanblue
IT's just very hard to give her advice or even peel her out of her home.
Unfortunately as an outsider you are not going to be able to change this. If she is depressed she will have to be willing to be treated. If she is being abused she will have to make the decision to leave. Just be there to support her when she needs you.
Quote:
Originally Posted by oceanblue
Also, we've noted that her hubby, although he's a sweet and very kind and funny guy, does NOTHING for the child when they are out. every single thing needed, he hollers her name across the house and she comes running.
Many or almost all other husbands among us, do everything from bathing to diapers. Her husb has never yet bathed their son, so maybe she is also overwhelmed in feeling that she "should" do it all as the mother.
It is very possible she doesn't let him do anything or it could part of and abusive relationship.
It must be very hard for you to watch your friend go through all this. I hope she reaches out for your help soon.
hi ladies. thanks again for all the feedback. her hubby is DEF not maltreating her or disrespecting her. He's a truly goodhearted, family guy, (has some anxiety issues and is easily overwhelmed also), but he's a hard worker, ambitious (does work on the side) and Iguess feels the old fashioned way about "a woman's work", but he does thank and appreciate her immensely. he always gets her small and big gifts that none of US get from our hubbies!! LOL. so it seems they do get along and things are fine.
but maybe she should just ASK For more help. maybe she thinks that she SHOULD do this and should NOT Be overwhelmed and should NOT Leave the house for more than half hour, etc.
As far as her having time or not to get her hair and nails done. she truly has plenty of time. her parents live VERY close by, and are there 24-7 for babysitting if she chose. she doesnt work at all, she doesnt do much in the way of house projects or misc things like organizations or committees.
i just wish she would take the time to herself and even if she buys herself a new outfit or has a girls night out, she so deserves it.
thanks again for listening everyone.
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