Talk or walk? (babysitting, out of control, baby, average)

[Whyte Byrd]

I've been babysitting for my brother and SIL for a while til they get back on their feet. Their kids are totally out of control--3 kids, ages 5 and 4. With me, they're fine, just the average acting up, nothing I can't handle. But with their parents, they're demanding, rude, obnoxious, even hit their mother when they're angry. When I'm there and their parents are still getting ready to walk out the door, they try me. They think they can get away with things b'c mom and/or dad is there, and they're often right, that is, until a few months ago I started putting my foot down. If I'm going to have to watch them I expect them to mind no matter who's there.

Mom, when I put my foot down, stews quietly b'c she knows I won't put up with it. But Dad, he steps in and tries to soften the blow, so to speak. For instance, when I ask them to pick up after themselves, he'll run and do it for them real quick. When I have them on time out, he'll go over to them with a snack or treat. If I'm fixing lunch, he'll give them snacks while it's cooking, then they don't eat properly. Then when he's gone and they try to get away with it and I say no, they say daddy lets them....

I keep a structured routine, lunch at a certain time, quiet time, tv time, etc. But if they ask to change it he sometimes breaks my routine. He just started saying to ask Auntie which is good, but he's inconsistent about it.

Here's my dilemma. I have to have structure, consistency and discipline going on if I'm going to spend the day with kids in my care. I have to have respect from the kids, even if the parents don't demand it for themselves.

Discipline, to me, is also rewarding when it's deserved so I'm, by far, not too hard on them, imo. But I'm about at the end of my rope. Don't you think this is common sense and I shouldn't have to spell it all out for the parents? Would you sit them down and talk it out with them or just tell them to find someone else? I talked to my SIL and we both agreed that if that British nanny were to come in to their home to help, my brother would probably physically throw her out the door for being stern with his kids. He suffers--mostly in silence--when he sees me doing it. What do you think?

I love my brother and his kids. I don't mean for this to be a rag on him or his kids and wife post.

[NoLoveLost]

Originally Posted by Public_Newsense

I've been babysitting for my brother and SIL for a while til they get back on their feet. Their kids are totally out of control--3 kids, ages 5 and 4. With me, they're fine, just the average acting up, nothing I can't handle. But with their parents, they're demanding, rude, obnoxious, even hit their mother when they're angry. When I'm there and their parents are still getting ready to walk out the door, they try me. They think they can get away with things b'c mom and/or dad is there, and they're often right, that is, until a few months ago I started putting my foot down. If I'm going to have to watch them I expect them to mind no matter who's there.

Mom, when I put my foot down, stews quietly b'c she knows I won't put up with it. But Dad, he steps in and tries to soften the blow, so to speak. For instance, when I ask them to pick up after themselves, he'll run and do it for them real quick. When I have them on time out, he'll go over to them with a snack or treat. If I'm fixing lunch, he'll give them snacks while it's cooking, then they don't eat properly. Then when he's gone and they try to get away with it and I say no, they say daddy lets them....

I keep a structured routine, lunch at a certain time, quiet time, tv time, etc. But if they ask to change it he sometimes breaks my routine. He just started saying to ask Auntie which is good, but he's inconsistent about it.

Here's my dilemma. I have to have structure, consistency and discipline going on if I'm going to spend the day with kids in my care. I have to have respect from the kids, even if the parents don't demand it for themselves.

Discipline, to me, is also rewarding when it's deserved so I'm, by far, not too hard on them, imo. But I'm about at the end of my rope. Don't you think this is common sense and I shouldn't have to spell it all out for the parents? Would you sit them down and talk it out with them or just tell them to find someone else? I talked to my SIL and we both agreed that if that British nanny were to come in to their home to help, my brother would probably physically throw her out the door for being stern with his kids. He suffers--mostly in silence--when he sees me doing it. What do you think?

I love my brother and his kids. I don't mean for this to be a rag on him or his kids and wife post.

Sit down and talk with them. Tell them what you need from them, for you to be able to deal with their kids. Explain why you need it, and what it takes for you to do the job the right way. If they aren't willing to listen to what you have to say, and discuss options to work with you, I'd walk......

[Whyte Byrd]

Originally Posted by NoLoveLost

Sit down and talk with them. Tell them what you need from them, for you to be able to deal with their kids. Explain why you need it, and what it takes for you to do the job the right way. If they aren't willing to listen to what you have to say, and discuss options to work with you, I'd walk......

I know this sounds like the most logical thing and it probably is. But I forgot to say, when I've tried to talk to him in the past he always gets very offended and says, "I know! I'm a terrible parent!", and walks out of the room.

[Aylalou]

I would sit down and give them an ultimatum....in a nice way, saying it just doesn't work when you put me in charge and then go against the structure I have established. Either you let me do it my way, or find someone else. In this way you have at least warned them and they make the choice.

[NoLoveLost]

Originally Posted by Aylalou

I would sit down and give them an ultimatum....in a nice way, saying it just doesn't work when you put me in charge and then go against the structure I have established. Either you let me do it my way, or find someone else. In this way you have at least warned them and they make the choice.

I agree.


Public_Newsense,

If BOTH of them won't sit and listen, then this is a good way to deal with it. You are doing them a favor, by watching their kids, they need to work with you , or it isn't worth the trouble and stress it is causing you......

[Whyte Byrd]

Ugh. You're both right, I know. I guess I'm just being a coward, don't want to hear how I think he's a terrible parent again. Every parent has their weaknesses and strengths. His and his wife's strength is their children know they're very loved by them. Thank you for the input.

[joyBeing]

Be as tough with your brother as you are with his kids. United front is the THE key. No discipline will work unless adults have rules and guidelines. Be not afraid!

Talk to your brother and try to make him understand that consistency is a good thing! Kids go through phases where they challenge authority. But, the authority has to be there to begin with; otherwise, it's chaos. Good Luck!.. Your brother is lucky!

[okpondlady]

Draw your line in the stand and tell them to deal with it. Either that or they can go PAY someone to watch their children and it will be their problem. Especially if you are doing it for free. It is way to many headaches to deal with that kind of problem.

But you might start off with... "I DO NOT think you are a bad parent.. but I am having some discipline problems."

[wilmingtonangel]

Personally I think you are over-stepping your boundaries. When they are in your care, you deal with them as you see fit. When they are in their parent's care, it's up to THEM to discipline them as they see fit.

[maciesmom]

Originally Posted by okpondlady

Draw your line in the stand and tell them to deal with it. Either that or they can go PAY someone to watch their children and it will be their problem. Especially if you are doing it for free. It is way to many headaches to deal with that kind of problem.

But you might start off with... "I DO NOT think you are a bad parent.. but I am having some discipline problems."

I agree - it's all in how you put it. He is obviously feeling very defensive about the situation already by the way you've described his behavior. Maybe if you just said it would help you out greatly if the rules were consistant...and as much as you love being able to help out you won't be able to continue unless you can be sure that you have their support...
Good luck - sometimes the fact that it is family makes it more difficult...