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Old 02-18-2009, 08:00 PM
 
Location: Land of 10000 Lakes +
5,554 posts, read 5,862,718 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by maciesmom View Post
All I meant by that was that it was the least of her concerns (or should be) adolescent "broken hearts" happen. To dismiss them as unimportant is unfair. To an adolescent everything they go through is full of drama and is the most important thing to ever happen in the history of the world. They learn that life goes on - that is an important lesson. Personally, as I've said, I feel that 5th grade "boyfriends" should be limited to holding hands on the playground and passing notes then breaking up at lunch 'cause some other girl said she liked him...The OP had concerns that this group of kids were rather "advanced" in the opposite sex relationship thing. In this day and age, what we as parents remember as 5th grade "relationships" may not be the same today. My thoughts are she needs to keep the lines of communication open with her DDs, and limit the activities as she feels are appropriate to the situation and their age. I honestly think if DD gets her "heart broken" that is a good excuse to have the conversation that "perhaps this is not the best time for a boyfriend". I always told my DD that throughout her life boys will come and boys will go but her girlfriends would be the ones to sustain her so at this age, she was better off putting her energy into those relationships. One day that will all change but it will be years and years from now. Enjoy your friends and the rest will come with time. I stand by that advice.
I agree with you except that having a crush on a boy and feeling bad about some girl or boy at that age 11 is not a broken heart. My daughter was in her room at the age of 11 or 12 just crying her eyes out because she liked some store clerk. I sympathized and told her we have all gone through this and hugged and kissed her, but it's no more a broken heart than if some friend hurt your feelings, nor should they even have to experience a broken heart at that age, even if they feel it as such. That's why I don't encourage dating at a young age. Maybe at age 16 they come closer to feeling a so-called broken heart; at age 11 they might hurt, but they don't know enough to have a "broken heart."
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Old 02-18-2009, 08:14 PM
 
Location: Denver area
21,130 posts, read 22,080,793 times
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Oh I disagree there. Of course it's not the same as having your heart broken in a relationship that you are totally invested in but to an adolescent it is their first hint of those feelings. I'm not advocating making it more than it is but I sure wouldn't be dismissing it either. Kind of like telling someone going through a breakup after 2 years it isn't much because after all what about people who get divorced after 40 years of marriage?? It's all relative and to the person going through it, it hurts....even if you're only 11 and it's only the clerk at the grocery store and you've just realized he has a girlfriend.
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Old 02-19-2009, 12:31 AM
 
Location: Stockholm, Sweden
58 posts, read 123,647 times
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[quote=Aylalou;7525994]
Quote:
Originally Posted by dlineerik View Post
Nothing to worry about, it's not like they're gonna take the bus to vegas and get married...
I got friends who lost their virginity around 12 years old, and they turned out just fine.[/quot

They were lucky with diseases and pregnancy.
condoms ftw...
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Old 02-19-2009, 02:12 AM
 
1,525 posts, read 3,291,451 times
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Yeah, that's about the time that stuff starts. Definitely by 6th grade as I recall it. If you have daughters... most assuredly teach them about boys and sex before then. I've know gals to have sex as early as 8 yrs. old when the 13-14 yr. old boys start prowling. Girl gets reputation... girl ends up turning into delinquent... getting bad grades etc.

From the other direction. Teach your boys to not be boinking until they understand what it is they're doing and defend girls, not trash them.
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Old 02-19-2009, 05:23 AM
 
11,613 posts, read 19,689,701 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JMadison View Post
Yeah, that's about the time that stuff starts. Definitely by 6th grade as I recall it. If you have daughters... most assuredly teach them about boys and sex before then. I've know gals to have sex as early as 8 yrs. old when the 13-14 yr. old boys start prowling. Girl gets reputation... girl ends up turning into delinquent... getting bad grades etc.

From the other direction. Teach your boys to not be boinking until they understand what it is they're doing and defend girls, not trash them.
It has been my experience (as the mother of 3 boys) that it's the GIRLS who start prowling at 13-14 and the boys are still a bit awkward and shy with girls at that age.
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Old 02-19-2009, 07:35 AM
 
1,525 posts, read 3,291,451 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Momma_bear View Post
It has been my experience (as the mother of 3 boys) that it's the GIRLS who start prowling at 13-14 and the boys are still a bit awkward and shy with girls at that age.
True enough. They say gals mature first. My first go around of "playing doctor" (was about 4 years old) was shown to me by a little girl. I was clueless. In elementary school the girls held me down and kissed me. (Geez why did that have to stop, LOL! Adult life is just the opposite, LOL! )

But the difference is this. The guy who "gets laid" early gets bonus points. Girls get reputations. If it happens young enough (i.e. the aforementioned 8 yrs. old) it affects their school work and then their entire lives. (Real cases I've seen, but some years ago. These days, it seems accepted that girls can be the aggressors.)

There's a distinct double standard, though it's based in some reality.

Consider the boys "raped" by their teachers. Until it came up, I'd bet the boys were ecstatic (if not bragging to their buds). Most of us adult guys would laugh it off. Might even pat the boy kid on the back... "good job son!" (Especially since some of the teachers were lookers.)

On the other hand, if they were men teachers jumping the girls, I think it'd go differently.

The basis for this is clearly two pronged. Boys can't have sex without an erection, i.e arrousal. (At least hetero sex) And girls get pregnant. So the prevailing view seems to be, boys want it, girls defend against it. (At least until their hormones say different.)

In any event, the cure is prevention. As adults we have to inform them young enough about these things and do it in a way they can accept, not reject.

The onus, the adults, to ensure better outcomes.
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Old 02-19-2009, 07:53 AM
 
Location: Texas
14,969 posts, read 13,752,829 times
Reputation: 4539
Quote:
Originally Posted by JMadison View Post
True enough. They say gals mature first. My first go around of "playing doctor" (was about 4 years old) was shown to me by a little girl. I was clueless. In elementary school the girls held me down and kissed me. (Geez why did that have to stop, LOL! Adult life is just the opposite, LOL! )

But the difference is this. The guy who "gets laid" early gets bonus points. Girls get reputations. If it happens young enough (i.e. the aforementioned 8 yrs. old) it affects their school work and then their entire lives. (Real cases I've seen, but some years ago. These days, it seems accepted that girls can be the aggressors.)

There's a distinct double standard, though it's based in some reality.

Consider the boys "raped" by their teachers. Until it came up, I'd bet the boys were ecstatic (if not bragging to their buds). Most of us adult guys would laugh it off. Might even pat the boy kid on the back... "good job son!" (Especially since some of the teachers were lookers.)

On the other hand, if they were men teachers jumping the girls, I think it'd go differently.

The basis for this is clearly two pronged. Boys can't have sex without an erection, i.e arrousal. (At least hetero sex) And girls get pregnant. So the prevailing view seems to be, boys want it, girls defend against it. (At least until their hormones say different.)

In any event, the cure is prevention. As adults we have to inform them young enough about these things and do it in a way they can accept, not reject.

The onus, the adults, to ensure better outcomes.
I think that it's considered just as "cool" for teen girls to have sex as for teen boys, especially when you're talking about young teens.

13 year old boys are little children in almost every way. 13 year old girls are young women.
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Old 02-19-2009, 08:14 AM
 
Location: Visitation between Wal-Mart & Home Depot
8,309 posts, read 33,294,609 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by twinsts71 View Post
Ever heard of this? My 11 yo apparently has a "boyfriend" (not sure if it's an actual boyfriend or just they both like each other) and I'm really not sure what to think of it.. most of her friends also have a one. I read her AIM profile and it says stuff along the lines of ''Oh "George", we are going to be forever". Most of her friend's profiles also say things along those lines.

Where should I draw the lines on this? My husband and I talked about it and she definatley will not be allowed to exclusivley date.. but we're not sure whether we should allow her to go to the movies (or wherever) with her ''boyfriend'' plus her friends and their boyfriends. The boy is in her class at school and they've known each other since kindergarden, I am friendly with his mom, and the few times I've talked to him he's seemed like a pretty nice kid.. but of course you know how kids can be.. act one way around adults and act very different around kids their ages. I also don't want her heart to be broken if this boy starts to like someone else.

Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks!
Fifth grade (I'm assuming 11 is fifth grade?) was an interesting time. Kids are becoming aware of themselves and their sexuality, but no one really knows what to do. Girls understand from the media they are constantly exposed to that they are supposed to have this romance with flowers and excitement and happiness, but they probably don't really understand all of the adult nuances. Boys have more of a cunundrum because they still have some "girls!? EEEEW!!" going on but they aren't sure if that is still cool and that "other brain" is starting to speak up. Having a boyfriend or a girlfriend in those days really meant that you would call eachother and hang-up or avoid eachother in the hallway, MAYBE hold hands after school. Pretty silly stuff and more than likely not anything to get worked up over.

That said, there were kids who were drinking and becoming sexually active as early as 13 and there were some confirmed instances of, uh, hanky-panky in movie theaters (since this was usually the only private, un-supervised quality time that kids could get). Also, there is an endless stream of free pornography piped into every household with an internet connection these days (that wasn't there when I was young) and I'm sure that has an appreciable effect on the development of precocious sexuality and gives kids some very unrealistic sexual guidelines. I'm not implying that your daughter is watching a lot of internet porn, just that her "boyfriend" may be.

Kids of this age are difficult because they think their parents are stupid and they are not quite so innocent as they were last year. If you are not comfortable with your daughter going to the movies unsupervised, don't let her. She'll complain very convincingly and if you capitulate you have reinforced the complaining. Just remember that no one elected you, you are a dictator. You can be a real nice guy (or gal), or a real mean SOB. Laying down the law never gets any easier than today.
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Old 02-19-2009, 08:43 AM
 
2,466 posts, read 4,198,722 times
Reputation: 1295
Quote:
Originally Posted by afoigrokerkok View Post
I think that it's considered just as "cool" for teen girls to have sex as for teen boys, especially when you're talking about young teens.

13 year old boys are little children in almost every way. 13 year old girls are young women.
No, it's not cool for teen girls to have sex. Girl's still get a reputation if they are having sex and boys still get kuddos. Have you watched The Secret Life Of An American Teenager? It's a program on CBS family. There is a girl who's life evolves around sex. Everyone thinks she is a sl#t because of it and most of the girls have nothing to do with her and the guys only want to be around her because she puts out not because they want to be friends. There is also a boy on the show who's life revovles around sex and he even convinced a young innocent girl into having sex with him and she ended up pregnant. Well after everyone found out she was pregnant, they all started talking about her and her being "easy" and they all stared at her and made her feel uncomfortable being at school. Meanwhile the guy who knocked her up was still strolling around the halls being all cool and no-one made him feel uncomfortable about knocking up this girl. The saddest part is the girl's friends wanted to befriend him because he was so cool even though he knocked up their best friend.

I know it's only a show, but it still shows the realities of what it's like being a teenager even in today's times. So regardless of who the instigater is, girls still get a reputation and guys still get kuddos.
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Old 02-19-2009, 10:26 AM
 
Location: Land of 10000 Lakes +
5,554 posts, read 5,862,718 times
Reputation: 8560
Quote:
Originally Posted by maciesmom View Post
Oh I disagree there. Of course it's not the same as having your heart broken in a relationship that you are totally invested in but to an adolescent it is their first hint of those feelings. I'm not advocating making it more than it is but I sure wouldn't be dismissing it either. Kind of like telling someone going through a breakup after 2 years it isn't much because after all what about people who get divorced after 40 years of marriage?? It's all relative and to the person going through it, it hurts....even if you're only 11 and it's only the clerk at the grocery store and you've just realized he has a girlfriend.
Did the example I gave about my daughter demonstrate that I dismiss it? I am saying that the more you hold out on letting a child date at age 11, the less the chance of a broken heart, if that's how you want to put it. And, as I said, let a child stay a child because that child has his/her whole life to have a broken heart.
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