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I think those are things that you learn in teen relationships and I also look at it as...I don't have to deal with a "flavor of the week" thing..like some of her friends do. That would be worse to me.
A big problem with your theory "this is what you learn in teen relationships" is that these are NOT even teen relationships. These are 11 year olds.
Wow...you have a lot to think about. Honestly, I think paying attention to the character of the group is a huge thing. If this is a pretty "fast" group, even if your DD's are not, peer pressure is huge at this age and even good kids can be talked into stuff that they know better than, just to be included. My advice is to have definite rules regarding how much time is spent on the phone/internet; keep the facebook/aim/ whatever as "public" as possible (ie yes, I know there are ways around parental controls and they can create and use sites on computers other than home etc etc but at least don't make it easy for them!); keep talking to them (not at them); keep them busy (sports, activities, clubs). Busy kids have better self confidence and less time for drama. Good luck, you are entering a very very difficult time.
I do try to get to know all of her friends.. they seem like okay kids around adults, but act verryy different around other kids. There are a lot of big personalities in the entire grade, and most kids in the grade aren't willing to get to know kids outside of their group. I often play it down to the girls that getting to know other kids will benefit them in many ways. I cherish the fact they are friendly to all kids.
Both of the girls play on a traveling soccer teams (practice once a week and games once a week) and one plays on a travel basketball team (practice 2x a week and weekend tournaments every other weekend). The unfortunate part is that often the group of boys often attend their sports games. There's no way my daughters (especially Tatem) are going to play at their best if there's 10 boys sitting on the sidelines watching them! Sports keep the somewhat busy, however they still have lots of free time to go online though (we try to enforce a ''only going online for 20 minutes after school and 20 minutes after dinner). I look at the AIM profiles a few times a week and most of the things her and her friends with boyfriends type into their profiles sound an awful lot like what highschoolers would say (OMG Bart!! We've been through everything and will go through everything for the rest of our lives! I love you forever and ever).
Since my daughters are the oldest, I have never dealt with this type of thing. I pretty much am at a loss on how to handle it, so your advice is greatly appreciated. THANK YOU!
Heck, having your heart broken is an important part of life. It's the concept of dating and especially being part of a group of "advanced" friends that is more worrisome to me....
Who needs a broken heart in fifth grade? Even saying broken heart at that age seems so silly to me in terms of dating. I can see a broken heart if a parent dies or there's a divorce. There's so many years left for broken hearts - why start so young???
I moved to a cliquish school when I was 12 and the kids were dancing with each other, and at that age I thought it very strange. Fortunately, I was not included in the clique (I say fortunately now because at that age I wanted to be part of it but am glad I wasn't looking back).
One other thing. Oral sex is huge with young kids now which is why they they teach how to put a condom on a banana in school.
LOL! This reminds me of 6th grade when I had my very first boyfriend. This meant that I got to wear a cheap necklace that just about every other girl in my class had worn at some time or another. We never did anything (didn't even hold hands).
I lost his necklace on the playground, and he never spoke to me again.
Who needs a broken heart in fifth grade? Even saying broken heart at that age seems so silly to me in terms of dating.
All I meant by that was that it was the least of her concerns (or should be) adolescent "broken hearts" happen. To dismiss them as unimportant is unfair. To an adolescent everything they go through is full of drama and is the most important thing to ever happen in the history of the world. They learn that life goes on - that is an important lesson. Personally, as I've said, I feel that 5th grade "boyfriends" should be limited to holding hands on the playground and passing notes then breaking up at lunch 'cause some other girl said she liked him...The OP had concerns that this group of kids were rather "advanced" in the opposite sex relationship thing. In this day and age, what we as parents remember as 5th grade "relationships" may not be the same today. My thoughts are she needs to keep the lines of communication open with her DDs, and limit the activities as she feels are appropriate to the situation and their age. I honestly think if DD gets her "heart broken" that is a good excuse to have the conversation that "perhaps this is not the best time for a boyfriend". I always told my DD that throughout her life boys will come and boys will go but her girlfriends would be the ones to sustain her so at this age, she was better off putting her energy into those relationships. One day that will all change but it will be years and years from now. Enjoy your friends and the rest will come with time. I stand by that advice.
All I meant by that was that it was the least of her concerns (or should be) adolescent "broken hearts" happen. To dismiss them as unimportant is unfair. To an adolescent everything they go through is full of drama and is the most important thing to ever happen in the history of the world. They learn that life goes on - that is an important lesson. Personally, as I've said, I feel that 5th grade "boyfriends" should be limited to holding hands on the playground and passing notes then breaking up at lunch 'cause some other girl said she liked him...The OP had concerns that this group of kids were rather "advanced" in the opposite sex relationship thing. In this day and age, what we as parents remember as 5th grade "relationships" may not be the same today. My thoughts are she needs to keep the lines of communication open with her DDs, and limit the activities as she feels are appropriate to the situation and their age. I honestly think if DD gets her "heart broken" that is a good excuse to have the conversation that "perhaps this is not the best time for a boyfriend". I always told my DD that throughout her life boys will come and boys will go but her girlfriends would be the ones to sustain her so at this age, she was better off putting her energy into those relationships. One day that will all change but it will be years and years from now. Enjoy your friends and the rest will come with time. I stand by that advice.
I really like Laguna's reply - just keep the lines of communication open and make sure your daughter knows that you and her family support her in making good choices, and love her unconditionally. Talk to her about what situations might come up and teach her how to handle them. Ask her questions, and her replies will lead to more questions and further discussion. Make sure she knows that she can call you at anytime any day or night - if she's out with friends at the mall, if she's at school, whatever - she needs to know that if she ever feels uncertain about anything, she should call you and you'll come get her. Sometimes kids think the weirdest things - what seems obvious to you, they are completely oblivious to. She might think that she has no one to talk to about this stuff, or that you might get mad at her over something that you actually wouldn't. So talking about everything you can possibly think of together, calmly, openly, is very important. Let her know it's totally normal to have crushes at this age, but make sure she knows what behaviors you will not toleate, and which behavriors you are OK with at this stage.
Also, if you are on friendly terms with the boy's mom, maybe call her up and invite her out to dinner or something where you guys can talk things over. It might help to see if you are both on the same page with things, and to have that additional support through these tricky transitional times.
Nothing to worry about, it's not like they're gonna take the bus to vegas and get married...
I got friends who lost their virginity around 12 years old, and they turned out just fine.
I've raised two daughters to adulthood and my third is currently in 5th grade and I have a son in Kindergarten. There's an understanding in my house that has been an ongoing process of what's appropriate and when, that's guided by certain philosophies.
I fully believe that there is a basic order of steps taken to reach the time of relationships and that the earlier those steps are taken - the earlier those relationships tend to begin. Therefore I choose to delay many of those steps in many ways. So, boyfriends in 5th grade.....nope.
For instance, I don't encourage nor participate in comments regarding things like kindergarteners looking sexy, looking cute together or getting married when they grow up like many of the parents of the other kids in my son's class. My son will reply 'I'm too young for that!" to anyone who asks if he'll be their boyfriend or marry them and promptly roll his eyes. haha
I also don't encourage nor actively support activities that I think are too old for elementary age kids, such as dances, wearing makeup, dating or dressing 'sexy'. My kids simply learn to believe that's too young for them personally and that even if others do it, it doesn't mean they should want to do the same.
I'd just prefer to get my kids to their mid/late teen years before they are faced with having to make personal decisions regarding relationships. So far, everyone has kept to that time line......
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