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I am the mother of 3 kids 19,17 and 16. About 3 months ago we moved to a new province about 9 hours away. The town we lived in before that we were there for 10 years, so my kids spent most of their lives there. The reason we moved is because there was no jobs and the job my husband had was making very little and we couldn't even survive off of it, we had to go the previous winter without heat in our house because we just couldn't afford it. So we moved. My oldest daughter went off to college so we only have the two kids with us. My daughter and my Son. My daughter did ok with moving and has made friends and adjusted. My son he's 16 didn't want to move to start with because he didn't want to leave his friends, he is very quiet and very shy and doesn't make friends easily. Even though he didn't want to come he didn't mope about it he accepted it because that is the way he is, but he is still unhappy here. The first day of School he made 2 friends but now he only really talks and hangs out at school with only one of them, Also there was this card game (similar to pokemon that kind of thing) that he used to play with his friends in our old town and it was something he loved to play so much but no one around here plays that so he has given that up. I know he is trying really hard to remain positive but i can still see the sadness on his face and how much he missed doing things with friends and how much he misses playing his card games, now all he does is sit in his room playing his video games.
I feel so guilty for taking him away from what made him so happy and every day it breaks my heart and i can't get over it and i don't know what to do.
Any advice?
I am the mother of 3 kids 19,17 and 16. About 3 months ago we moved to a new province about 9 hours away. The town we lived in before that we were there for 10 years, so my kids spent most of their lives there. The reason we moved is because there was no jobs and the job my husband had was making very little and we couldn't even survive off of it, we had to go the previous winter without heat in our house because we just couldn't afford it. So we moved. My oldest daughter went off to college so we only have the two kids with us. My daughter and my Son. My daughter did ok with moving and has made friends and adjusted. My son he's 16 didn't want to move to start with because he didn't want to leave his friends, he is very quiet and very shy and doesn't make friends easily. Even though he didn't want to come he didn't mope about it he accepted it because that is the way he is, but he is still unhappy here. The first day of School he made 2 friends but now he only really talks and hangs out at school with only one of them, Also there was this card game (similar to pokemon that kind of thing) that he used to play with his friends in our old town and it was something he loved to play so much but no one around here plays that so he has given that up. I know he is trying really hard to remain positive but i can still see the sadness on his face and how much he missed doing things with friends and how much he misses playing his card games, now all he does is sit in his room playing his video games.
I feel so guilty for taking him away from what made him so happy and every day it breaks my heart and i can't get over it and i don't know what to do.
Any advice?
Boy I feel your pain coming through the computer screen!
When our kids are hurting, we Moms hurt too
Moving at 16 when is very difficult, unless the move is your own idea - which it usually isn't.
I think the best you can do is be supportive by not ever belittling his unhappiness or making light of it.
Give him empathy while reinforcing the facts - there were no jobs, you had to leave to survive. BUT, you are so sorry things turned out this way and that he had to leave his home and friends.
Things like this take time - even up to a year for many teens - so be patient with him.
And above all, let go of your guilt. You and your husband made the best choice you could for your family!
If you continue to display guilt your kids will lose confidence in your decisions and authority.
Set a new tone of positiveness through your own willingness to embrace your new town and new life. Get involved in the community, make efforts to meet new people and make some friends.
Take the bull by the horns. Invite some kids from school or neighborhood to your home or a public place to teach the game to others. if your son is too shy then you and DH will need to teach them. Even if they don't like the game it will be a good opportunity to have a social gathering for him. boys and girls or just boys? just give him an opportunity to share something he likes. food is always a good way to break the ice.
We had a new neighbor who moved here (NC) from San Francisco with moody teens. They was miserable. Finally the parents decided to open up their home several weekends in a row to a slumber party. after game party, canasta tournament, etc. For a months there was non stop comings and goings. It settled down when the kids were being invited to other places. They became very happy. Then Dad was transferred back to SF after 2 years. Now both teens are finishing up high school here and staying with new friends. They did not want to move back to SF and will be going to college here too.
A couple things I am thinking about:
-My daughter has this dance class at a strip mall and there is this card shop I walk by every Saturday. They have card events there where all these kids get together to play some kind of card game. Maybe there is a local card shop nearby.
-Make weekends fun. Maybe go away and see something new on Saturdays. Find activities to do. Come up wth options and see if he would help plan a weekend trip.
-Have a party at your place, do a neighhood BBQ, or find a club. kudzu had some great ideas above.
Anyway, I guess my advice is to take action to try to help.
There are a lot of card games out there but I think YuGiO or something like that is huge. I love board games and the local game shop has open board game night. I also see signs for that card game. Play times and tournaments.
The shop owner says it was great for his nephew who loved the game but was shy. The shop organizes the play and pairs kids up so you don't need to show up with a friend. Look up any comic book or game shops in the area.
Go there looking for something else, take your son with you. Maybe point out the sign about the card game and let it go from there. As a shy teen, nothing is worse than having mommy set up a play date. Let him think he discovered it. Then like all things, nature takes over and friendships form!
I am sorry you feel this way and I can imagine it is hard as a parent to watch your child struggle to fit in. You sound like a very supportive and caring mom.
Though my brothers kids were younger they moved to a different state and I think what helped them to fit in and find friends were all the extra activities they are in. Does your son have any interests on groups or extra activities he could join? Sports, a class, or even a part time job could help him meet people.
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