HELP-New guardian of a 5 year old boy from a dysfunctional home (punishment, teenagers)

[Connecticut Pam]

Bless you for stepping up and taking this child. Doesn't it amaze you how easily people toss away not only animals but children as well? His real Mom might as well have locked this kid in a room and walked away for all the attention he got.

The bed wetting has me concerned as it is a sign in a five year old and older of more serious issues. I also do not understand what qualifies a teacher to decide whether or not a child needs Ritilan?

First, get this child to a pediatrician for a complete physical. If you have been made his guardian, then you should be able to do this with no problem. Next, find him a child guidance counselor, one who will be able to get him to talk more about what went on in his former home. I am suspecting more than the swearing and all the other issues you mentioned.

This kid has not known a normal life so to him all the chaos of his former home is the NORM. He has so many issues I don't know how you pick which ones to work on first and that is something a counselor will help you with. Being only 5 years old, he may very well not understand nor care about doing what is right...how would he know?

I guess what I am trying to say is he needs the positive reinforcement constantly and he needs to know that he is LOVED. I would also suspect that he was probably deprived of a lot of human contact so a hug along with the "atta boys" would help too.

Again...bless you for what you are doing..I will be thinking of you.

[michiganmom48]

As a past Foster parent I had many children just like the 5 year old. I have been very amazed that children who come from dysfuction adjust really fast to a home that doesn't have it. I mean eating the same time, going to bed , rules. Children need these things and when they get that you very often see changes in them. As far as the meds. I had many kids on these type of meds which are very easy to get but didn't need. Many times home goes to school. I had a child on like 15 pills a day. When he left he had none. Did well in school and people who knew him when he was with his MOm like Dr. he saw didn't know it was the same child. I had one boy that did well in the home but acted up in school. I got the child and when the school would take my advice things got better. THe child might need therapy depending what he has been through. I have used behavior charts I also worked in schools. Some kids like two twins I had it worked great others it didn't. Good luck

[Rhaven]

First off, thank you so much to you and your husband for stepping up to the plate to help this boy.

Regarding behavior charts and behavior modification:

We have been using behavior modification techniques with my 7 yr old son for years (ADHD) and it does wonders! The main drive is through positive reinforcement. Figuring out goals and working to acheive them. It gives the child a sense of purpose and responsibility. Start off small and work your way up. Pick one or two things (you can even bring him to the table and have him offer suggestions too, as this gives them more of a feeling of responsibility) and work on that until you feel he has really done well for a consistent period of time. Allow him to help you choose rewrds too, something he can really look forward to. Our 7 yr old helped pick out behaviors he wanted to work on, and rewards. His two ideas: one a trewasure box, filled with cool things from the Dollar Tree. After 5 days of stickers he could pick one cool thing. Or a dollar, so he could save up for a toy of his own.

For the shorter term goal (daily) pick something your 5 yr old would like: we do 5 minutes staying up late and a sticker for every day my son reaches his goal. So mini daily goal, and a weekly bigger goal.

Consistency is the MAJOR key here, both in positive and negative discipline. You and your husband need to sit down if you havent yet, and figure out a game plan: what is and isnt acceptable, how many warnings and what kind, what are the consequences of said behaviors? Make a chart of said behaviors and consequences, discuss it with your boy so you know he knows forwards and backwards warnings and consequences. Then implement it firmly. As a team, you and your husband need to work together. Even if you disagree on something parentingwise, back up each other in front of your boy, and then find a time to talk over quietly when he isnt around what other options are available for the future. Never threaten something you are not willing to go through!!!

Ok there's a novel. We have seen a lot of behavioral changes in our son through this. The major thing is consistency, getting him to understand fully the ins and outs of what is expected of him and the fact that discipline is not punishment or bribes, but consequences of his choices, good and bad. Therefore it is up to him. And the more encouragement you can give this boy, the faster he will want to turn around.

Best of luck to you!!!

[JustJulia]

Dogsandkid,, I just want to say ... YOU ROCK.

[Puru]

First of all, I think it's a good thing you did, taking the kid in and I wish you luck.

As someone else said, Ritalin should not be prescribed so quickly and I've seen so many doctors do this. Whether the kid has ADD or ADHD or not, be careful about Ritalin. There are other drugs out there if the kid does need something though, but certain dyes in food and certain foods (other than caffeine) could be a problem. Also, for some people I know that do have ADHD, caffeine actually helps calm them down (which is why my brother was always allowed small amounts of coffee as a child).
I remember once a doctor basically told my mother that I was ADD (and I'm not, but it was thought for years that I was simply because school bored me). I was prescribed Ritalin which would make me vomit easily and made me develop a tick. Only after my mother noticed my excessive twitchyness did she have me taken off the meds.

You seem to be doing a pretty good job, and consitency is always good. :]

[pinetreelover]

I would hold off on any type of chart for a couple more weeks while you just let him settle in. He clearly has some behaviors that need correcting, but you don't want him to feel like a fix-up project. Change can be tough for kids - even change for the better. Give him a chance to adjust some on his own.

My other advice would be to "catch him being good". Take note and comment on anything that he does well or does correctly. Just like with training pets, the final goal is usually a series of smaller behaviors. If you want a well-mannered respectful boy you will need to praise any behavior - no matter how small - that meets that description.

Make sure your praise is focused on something specific and not on his global nature. For instance "T, I really liked the way you said good morning today. That made me feel so happy" rather than "T, you are such a nice boy". Kids that have not had much praise in their lives typically respond best to honest, fact-based assessments.

Hang in there - parenting is NOT easy, no matter how you started off. There will be highs and lows. You and your husband need to support and care for each other too. Get some breaks and help from others when needed and don't sweat the small stuff!

[crazyme4878]

Yes--pick your battles, but make sure they are the same ones! And if you do lose your cool at some point down the line (which is almost guaranteed to happen), take a deep breath, get on his level, apologize for yelling and then explain why you did.

Charts work great, too, but don't feel bad if it doesn't fit into your family life (it doesn't for ours unfortunately).

Also, do you have dogs at home? Can he come help you at the shelter sometimes? As you know, dogs can be a wonderful companion because they love you no matter what, and that sounds like exactly what this little boy needs.

Good luck. Parenting isn't easy and it is damn scary at times but you will do well. It is also amazing how fun things become--suddenly you start remembering when all the local parades are, when the free festivals and fairs are, going on rides and walks you never would have before. Get him outside and enjoying life. Take him to the library and read, read, read to him! I almost guarantee he will love to cozy up and listen to a good picture book.

And super kudos to you as well!

[Dogsandkid]

Well, 4 weeks down and 13 years + to go!!

THANK YOU to everyone that has responded. I have had some frustrating moments but I know that in time, all things will come.

"T" is starting to show some progress but still has daily slips of foul language, the bird, and not listening when asked. The difference between how he treats and responds to my husband versus me is huge. He has little to no respect for female authority (i understand why) and while he is by no means a tyrant or a mean boy, he flat out ignores me sometimes.
One of the things he says that bothers me the most is calling me "Woman". The tone is so derogatory and he has addressed strangers this way to, as in "Woman, I need another drink!" I know that he can't help what was modeled for him previously but geesh, it is a tough one.

He has started to catch himself when saying "bad words" but it does not prevent him from saying them.

When my husband is in the shower or otherwise not in direct attendance, "T" pushes and pushes his boundaries with me. I have twice had to physically assist him, Nanny 911 style, back into bed and off of the dining room chairs.

I have tried asking nicely first, which is ignored, then I ask again and explain the consequence, and then I "help" him to the floor or back into bed. Sounds worse than it is, I never grab or shove or anything like that but more 'shepherding' him lightly with my hands or picking him up and off the chair.

There are SO many books, techniques, charts, and systems that I don't no where to start. We do not have guardianship yet, we are waiting for the papers to go through. When we do, we will start family counseling. My husband and I are registered for a 6 week Love and Logic parenting class and my husband is starting a fathers only class.

Sorry to make these postings about me but just typing it all out is cathartic!!

Thanks again to everyone that has given their support and suggestions. I hope to post again in a couple of months with a better update!

On the plus side, his teachers have said that he is a very intelligent little boy. Today was day 3 of school and it is a very disciplined and well ordered school. I think between school and home he will be on the fast track to modified behavior!! I did not know it until a few days ago, but he has been in FOUR different schools this year alone...

[crazyme4878]

You are amazing Dogsandkid! Yes, I have to physically pick up my 6 y.o. to remove him from a situation sometimes--and he hasn't had the horrible background your boy does! Don't worry about reading too many books, because after awhile it just leaves you confused! The classes and therapy will be great because you have an expert that can help you work with your situation.

Make sure "T" gets to see your husband treating you and the other women in his life with utter respect. It will go a long way to correcting his view of women.

I'm looking forward to an update in a couple months!

[TeresaMike]

I love Alan Kazdin's book: "The Kazdin Method for parenting the defiant child" (actually hate the word defiant, but love the book). The most logical, behaviorally based book I've found on modifying my son's behavior. And it's based on actual scientific research, which is a lot more than most of the other discipline books can claim.

Oriental Trading catalog (www.orientaltrading.com) is a great resource for hordes of cheap treats to use as reinforcers.

My husband and I have started going to a cognitive behavior therapist who is putting us through a parent management training. It's based on Parent Child Interaction Therapy (if you google that, should find some information). I've found it extremely helpful, and very much about behavioral modification. I think the key is to find a cognitive behavior therapist, rather than one who will just engage in some kind of play therapy or psychoanalytical approach, or at least CBT in addition to "talk" therapy.

A beginning part of the course is about "Special Play Time", which might be very helpful to you right now to help you build a more positive relationship with him, and build a bank of good feelings to make your approval/disapproval all the more meaningful. You devote 15 minutes a day to child-directed play (not tv or computer games). During that time you engage in a lot of labeled praise, describing what the child is doing, and kind of narrate the activity like a sports announcer. You do not ask questions, give commands, or attempt to teach anything. If the child does something that is not appropriate (but not aggressive/against house rules), you engage in active ignoring (turn away from child, no eye contact, and find some other toys the world's most fabulous toy, in a very vocal, enthusiastic way). Once he stops being inappropriate, engage with him again without calling attention to the previous inappropriateness. However, if he is violent, or breaks house rules, then you just say "I'm sorry, we have to stop special play time now. We'll try again tomorrow."

I think you will find that the behavior mod you have done with your dogs will be very helpful in having prepared you for the task before you Good luck with everything!