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Old 03-30-2009, 06:51 PM
 
4,482 posts, read 5,307,296 times
Reputation: 2966

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Before I tell the story, please visit this thread I created in late November of last year.

http://www.city-data.com/forum/paren...ml#post6292090

Did you read all 3 pages?

OK, here's the story.

1 week ago I visited this friend's house. At a moment in the evening, my friend had to step out for 10 minutes. So, I was on their dining room table using his laptop while his mother, who had just arrived from work, ate in the kitchen.

My friend and his wife purchased an electronic synthesizer. It was on the floor. The 3 kids were playing with it - 8-yr-old Susan, 4 year old Bobby, and the 2 year old toddler.

Suddenly Bobby got mad and punched his sister in the back, probably because he wanted the synthesizer for himself. She started to cry.

Their mother did nothing. NOTHING. She continued to eat. Not a "Bobby! no hitting!" or "Susan are you OK?" She just sat there.

I went to the scene, said softly but sternly, "kids no hitting!" And took Bobby away. His angry pouty face went away the moment he saw me coming. I picked him up, took him to the adjacent living room and softly said, "why did you hit your sister?"

Now he began to "play innocent." He made a cute face with his tongue sticking out and palms up and shoulders shrugged. Susan came over no longer crying. I said, "say sorry to your sister." THe same cute face again.

I got angry, but held it in, and Susan said, "uncle SPrawling, tickle him. That'll make him apologize."

So I did, and he laughed, and eventually apologized. I let the kids go back to the synthesizer.

Now, perhaps I overreacted, but as you see in the story from November, the mother does NOTHING when the siblings resort to violence. I don't buy the claim that she may have been embarrassed to discipline them in front of guests and even though she had just gotten home from work and was tired and hungry, she should have at least said "STOP FIGHTING." But no action.

Later that evening after all the kids were in bed and my friend's wife was upstairs, my friend, who had returned, shared a beer with me. I told him about what had happened, but of course made no mention of his wife doing nothing. To my shock, he said, "are you sure it wasn't Susan who hit Bobby first?" This considering this is one of the more well-behaved 3rd graders I've ever seen and who doesn't hit her brother even in retaliation for his first strikes.

I held my shock in and said, "no. I saw it. He hit her first for no reason."

He said, "boys..."

I'm frustrated because I can't do anything other than tell him what I see. I think this Bobby kid is going to grow up majorly spoiled. He's got a temper and he'll probably be no wimp once he starts elementary school, but the day will come when some bigger kid will hit him a lot harder in retaliation.

THe ironic thing is that I"ve seen my friend discipline his son. I think it's the mom who spoils Bobby.... he's super-attached to her and I think he's her favorite.

Frustrating. I am not even a parent and I can see this - why can't they?

 
Old 03-30-2009, 07:21 PM
 
756 posts, read 2,211,444 times
Reputation: 635
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sprawling_Homeowner View Post
Before I tell the story, please visit this thread I created in late November of last year.

http://www.city-data.com/forum/paren...ml#post6292090

Did you read all 3 pages?

OK, here's the story.

1 week ago I visited this friend's house. At a moment in the evening, my friend had to step out for 10 minutes. So, I was on their dining room table using his laptop while his mother, who had just arrived from work, ate in the kitchen.

My friend and his wife purchased an electronic synthesizer. It was on the floor. The 3 kids were playing with it - 8-yr-old Susan, 4 year old Bobby, and the 2 year old toddler.

Suddenly Bobby got mad and punched his sister in the back, probably because he wanted the synthesizer for himself. She started to cry.

Their mother did nothing. NOTHING. She continued to eat. Not a "Bobby! no hitting!" or "Susan are you OK?" She just sat there.

I went to the scene, said softly but sternly, "kids no hitting!" And took Bobby away. His angry pouty face went away the moment he saw me coming. I picked him up, took him to the adjacent living room and softly said, "why did you hit your sister?"

Now he began to "play innocent." He made a cute face with his tongue sticking out and palms up and shoulders shrugged. Susan came over no longer crying. I said, "say sorry to your sister." THe same cute face again.

I got angry, but held it in, and Susan said, "uncle SPrawling, tickle him. That'll make him apologize."

So I did, and he laughed, and eventually apologized. I let the kids go back to the synthesizer.

Now, perhaps I overreacted, but as you see in the story from November, the mother does NOTHING when the siblings resort to violence. I don't buy the claim that she may have been embarrassed to discipline them in front of guests and even though she had just gotten home from work and was tired and hungry, she should have at least said "STOP FIGHTING." But no action.

Later that evening after all the kids were in bed and my friend's wife was upstairs, my friend, who had returned, shared a beer with me. I told him about what had happened, but of course made no mention of his wife doing nothing. To my shock, he said, "are you sure it wasn't Susan who hit Bobby first?" This considering this is one of the more well-behaved 3rd graders I've ever seen and who doesn't hit her brother even in retaliation for his first strikes.

I held my shock in and said, "no. I saw it. He hit her first for no reason."

He said, "boys..."

I'm frustrated because I can't do anything other than tell him what I see. I think this Bobby kid is going to grow up majorly spoiled. He's got a temper and he'll probably be no wimp once he starts elementary school, but the day will come when some bigger kid will hit him a lot harder in retaliation.

THe ironic thing is that I"ve seen my friend discipline his son. I think it's the mom who spoils Bobby.... he's super-attached to her and I think he's her favorite.

Frustrating. I am not even a parent and I can see this - why can't they?
Hi! I'm sorry I didn't read the preceding posts. Sorry, but these are your friends kids and they are the parents. Something more is going on here. It's not up to you to parent these kids or tell your friends how to parent.

If it bothers you so much, you should probably not be going to their house. Go meet your buddy out somewhere or have him come over to your house.

I truly don't mean to sound harsh, but it's none of your business.

If you feel the kids are being abused or neglected call Family Services. If not, it's not your place to parent your friends children. We all raise our children differently.

Is this your second thread about them on here?
 
Old 03-30-2009, 07:32 PM
 
Location: Utah
1,458 posts, read 4,116,642 times
Reputation: 1548
It is really difficult when your friends suck at parenting. I don't know that there is anything you could actually do, beyond modelling good parenting (like you did with the hitting).
 
Old 03-31-2009, 01:13 PM
Gue
 
24,118 posts, read 10,102,859 times
Reputation: 61065
I equate holding a child down to tickle them with torture.

Keep your hands to yourself.
 
Old 03-31-2009, 01:31 PM
 
1,577 posts, read 3,689,026 times
Reputation: 536
there's a difference between being spoiled (getting what you want all the time without question) and being stubbornly determined to get your way. Those kids may have behavioural issues or some form of Autism that makes them behave that sort of way. My kids get pushy like that and would throw a fit if they didn't get something they wanted, but I'd stand my ground and say no and followed by a punishment for throwing a fit. Sometimes they'd just blow off the adult and do whatever anyway. Then they get in trouble.

People would say they were spoiled, too, but as they didn't get what they wanted, I'd disagree with that. Later on found my kids' have Aspergers and Anger Mgt and that its a typical behavior of some kids with it: selfishness and spoiled like attitude. That's cured with the right meds and therapy, not physical violence. In fact that makes it worse.

I'd get all the facts before making assumptions and getting myself into a situation that isn't mine to begin with.
 
Old 03-31-2009, 02:07 PM
 
48,505 posts, read 96,483,446 times
Reputation: 18301
Nothing new here we see the results all the time as they become adults.Its the difference between parneting and just having children. many of these children will nedup in teh criminal courts later.Unless we want government raising children we have to rely on parents and the protective court system.
 
Old 03-31-2009, 02:24 PM
 
4,482 posts, read 5,307,296 times
Reputation: 2966
To all of you who are parents, whose children didn't need therapy/medication, etc.

As parents, what did you do in terms of discipline and correction when a sibling hit another just as in the scenario I described?

And regardless of whether I am best off staying away because they're not my children: do you truly consider it wise parenting for a parent to do absolutely NOTHING other than to be a spectator as one child hits siblings because they got in the way of his playing? Such as when Bobby slapped his (now) 2 year old brother for taking his toys or his older sister last week?

If you REALLY think it's fine parenting to do NOTHING... I raise my hand.
 
Old 03-31-2009, 02:27 PM
 
1,788 posts, read 4,739,932 times
Reputation: 1252
Bow out, it's not your business.
 
Old 03-31-2009, 02:36 PM
 
Location: Maine
650 posts, read 2,174,193 times
Reputation: 566
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sprawling_Homeowner View Post

Frustrating. I am not even a parent and I can see this - why can't they?
I thinkt his hits the nail right on the head. You're always a perfect parent before you actually have kids. MYB and don't tempt karma. Your kids will end up twice as bad!
 
Old 03-31-2009, 02:56 PM
 
Location: Rocket City, U.S.A.
1,806 posts, read 5,683,251 times
Reputation: 865
I have to suggest avoiding the household. Period.

I had to do this with close friends of mine who had successfully raised one monster and were working on the second. I did not want to witness the nonsense, did not want my daughter to learn from this poor example and did not want to be annoyed by the inability to in any way alter the behavior.

It wasn't my business, but it bothered me plenty, so as time went by I saw less and less of them.
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