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I have a slightly different perspective on this. My kids are 15, 10, 12 (almost 13).
Kids need to learn that they DO NOT always come first. Sometimes Mom gets to come first. Sometimes Dad. Sometimes the dog. And yes, sometimes the kids get to come first. Everyone in a family should have their needs met. After everyone's needs are met each family member should have a chance to have SOME of their wants met.
Sometimes we tell 15 yo son that he CANNOT go to the beach on Sunday because Mom has a voice lesson. Sometimes he gets to go to the beach on Sunday. Sometimes you have to allow time in your life to do something that is all about you even when you have kids.
IMO kids who grow up with parents who ALWAYS put their kids first are raising children with unrealistic expectations of the world. I am not talking about the basic necessities of life. Clearly when kids are young you need to take care of their basic needs for them. They cannot do it themselves. However, as they grow up it is really important that they learn to do things independently.
If you are buying them material things all the time it is spoiling them, but spending quality time with them isn't spoiling them.The point I am trying to make with my coworkers are that they don't get to see their kids enough as it is (and neither do I) due to work. However, they go out and do things for themselves very frequently. I'm not talking about going to dinner with their spouse once a week; I'm talking about 2-3 times a week going to the gym or whatever after work, and then spending time during the weekend golfing with buddies. Seriously, how much quality time are they getting with their kids? BTW, these kids are all under 3 years old and it appears the 3-year old is quite aggressive at daycare.
My son has a friend whose mother lays out his clothes every day (he is 15 and in HS). IMO-this boy should take his own clothes out of the drawer. This same boy has his mother pack a food bag for him during wrestling tournaments. My son is responsible for his own food bag. NOT because I am a self centered b--ch but because I think that it is important for him to learn to care for himself. The world DOES NOT revolve around him and I am not being a good parent if I allow it revolve around him.
What about a 1 year old or a 3 year old?
The OP here is being overly judgmental. There is no way for him to know whether his co worker spends enough time with his family. You simply cannot know what is right for other people and their family.
Actually, I do know because he tells me what he does all the time. I think one issue of mine that is overlooked is the hypocrisy he espouses about being a good Christian parent wanting to raise his kids with morals yet puts himself first very often. Perhaps I didn't make that clear.
Once again, I'm not saying it's wrong to get some alone time. My coworkers, however, are doing it almost every day.
Obviously, families with special needs have special needs that those with children without those needs do not need to adjust to.
Was the OP asking about selfish parents who have children with special needs? No, the OP was annoyed the coworker goes out for beer & works out.
Uh, no. I'm not annoyed the coworker goes out for beer & works out. I am annoyed at his hypocrisy and perhaps a little annoyed that he does it all the time. I work out too 5 days a week, AFTER my son is in bed.
There is a sub-forum on families with special needs for a reason.
What's this supposed to mean?
Many people manage lots of things. What's the point?
I do agree that sometimes your kids just need to learn patience and realize the universe doesn't revolve around them. That would make for very self-important and spoiled people.
The way Mama put it made more sense to me and maybe your way came off more harsh to me. I agree everyone in the family has their turn to be #1 right now. As far as being able to take care of themselves, the kids aren't always capable of that (younger ones) and even teens need guidance all the time.
If your spouse gets sick, they can care for themselves better than your Kindergartner can. Its common sense like ya said. Even with the pets, heck, the cat is far more capable of seeing to its own needs than the dog is. So ya I'll take care of the mutt before the cat, because I swear the dog has a few screws looser than the cat.
It did come across to harsh.
I think we both understand that in a healthy, productive marriage...the partners know when to take their own time & when the time is on hold for 5 mins or 5 years (and it's not a big deal b/c you WANT to put those things on hold b/c of just how much you do care for your children). And that most husbands & wives at one time or the other do know when to say "Hey, why don't you go out for a little bit & just take a break." or "Why don't we see if we can get a sitter & we go out to dinner?"
My dh works out in the am. Every single am? Nope. If the kids or I sincerely need him (I have toddlers who interact with other toddlers...we know our pediatrican too well) ...we need him...and his work out is trumped. Some weekday mornings, he plays outside with them instead of the gym. And on the days when our 3yr old starts to get upset that daddy is leaving to go to the gym or work, we explain to him what & why daddy is leaving. But our 3yr old can get this way after HOURS of one on one time with daddy. And my dh has to tell him that daddy needs a break. Daddy loves him very much, but daddy needs some quiet time.
I don't get into conversations about frequent bar outings or crazy sex stories b/c I don't associate with people of that nature who have children nor do I or have I ever lived that life. It's very, very foreign to me to go out every weekend & get loaded up & then come home to kids. It's not me. It's not my dh.
I have a slightly different perspective on this. My kids are 15, 10, 12 (almost 13).
Kids need to learn that they DO NOT always come first. Sometimes Mom gets to come first. Sometimes Dad. Sometimes the dog. And yes, sometimes the kids get to come first. Everyone in a family should have their needs met. After everyone's needs are met each family member should have a chance to have SOME of their wants met.
Out of all the posts here, this one I agree with most.
But, we've already had a generation raised with 'kids come first' parenting and look where that has led....a generation of people (now parents) who still think they come first!! So yeah, kids live at day cares and afterschool programs and get dropped off at Gram's house while the parents are out prioritizing themselves. I believe 'kids come first' parenting also has a great impact on the divorce rate...the marriage that created the children needs to come first to make sure it is healthy enough to keep the family going!!
Good parenting requires the ability to strike a healthy balance
If a parent spends more time with friends than his/her friends that's selfish. However, I don't see anything wrong with going to the gym a few times a week or enjoying an occassional girls' or guys' night out.
I would actually applaud your friend for going to the gym on a regular basis. In my opinion (and the opinion of the American Medical Association) ALL adults should exercise for an hour at least five times a week. Exercise could mean anything from taking a walk to doing an exercise DVD or working out at the YMCA.
I feel sorry for the parents who spend two or three hours sitting on their butts watching their kids play Little League, but feel guilty about getting to the gym a few times a week. What are they teaching their children about the importance of regular exercise? Shouldn't we teach our children by example? Don't we all want to be healthy enough to play with our grandchildren someday?
While I think that it's really inconsiderate for your friend to treat his parents like free babysitters, they do have the option of saying no. No one is forcing them to do it and I'm sure they enjoy spending time with their grandchildren even if they feel like they're being used by their own child.
I know some parents who never go out on a date and refuse to go to "adult only" get togethers. I think it's important to build and maintain a healthy marriage and spending time alone on a regular basis is one way of doing this. I also think it's important for moms and dads to have close same-sex friendships just as it's important for kids to have friends and playdates.
121804 says her husband does his workout at 9am , then goes to work and spends time with the kids after work.
Where can the rest of us get working hours that allow us to work out at 9am, ---then-- go to work and still get back in time to spend plenty of time with the kids?
His hours are better than any banker I know ( bankers' hours)
I know it is frustrating and all you can do is keep asking these guys how their children are doing, maybe start a conversation about their school if they are school age...kind of force the conversation more towards family and do it so that you don't sound like a buttinsky. Hopefully what should happen is that these guys may realize just how much they don't know about their kids and how much they are missing because of their selfish ways.
My husband works with a young Dad who at first was going to golf tournaments, going to football games out of state, drinking lots of beer, yadda, yadda, yadda. I kept telling my husband to steer clear of that conversation with regard to being selfish and gave the hubs the same advice as above. Sure enough, this young Dad saw his daughter play soccer for the first time and now he's hooked...has his younger son playing now too and follows every game. He told my husband that he hadn't realized how much time children take and how much FUN it is to participate!
That is a great story. I tried to rep you but I couldn't.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Momma_bear
My son has a friend whose mother lays out his clothes every day (he is 15 and in HS). IMO-this boy should take his own clothes out of the drawer. This same boy has his mother pack a food bag for him during wrestling tournaments. My son is responsible for his own food bag. NOT because I am a self centered b--ch but because I think that it is important for him to learn to care for himself. The world DOES NOT revolve around him and I am not being a good parent if I allow it revolve around him.
The first time I went to visit my ILs, my MIL asked my dh if he wanted her to peel him an orange. He was 24.
I think that moms who do everything for their kids sometimes just want to feel needed. It is definitely the case of my MIL.
To the OP, as a former foster mom, there is nothing you can do about other how others parent their kids. I wouldn't waste my time and energy worrying about it.
I know some parents who never go out on a date and refuse to go to "adult only" get togethers. I think it's important to build and maintain a healthy marriage and spending time alone on a regular basis is one way of doing this.
Yep. That is us. We had almost 8 years of childless marriage so we are now enjoying our time with our kids. I am not going to leave them with a stranger. Once they are school age we will do it differently but for now this works for us.
121804 says her husband does his workout at 9am , then goes to work and spends time with the kids after work.
Where can the rest of us get working hours that allow us to work out at 9am, ---then-- go to work and still get back in time to spend plenty of time with the kids?
His hours are better than any banker I know ( bankers' hours)
Any particular reason to pick a fight?
Didn't say he plays with them after work. Didn't say he "spends plenty of time with them after work."
Plays with them before work & sometimes doesn't go to the gym b/c he is having too much fun playing with the kids. Other times, he can't wait to get to the gym if he has a tough day ahead.
R E A D
It's called off shift work. It exists. Such as doctors, nurses, EMTs, firemen, security guards, police men, chefs, bartenders, manufacturing, newscasters, the military, higher education professors....do I need to continue the list or do you just enjoy acting like a punk?
Last edited by 121804; 04-01-2009 at 08:58 PM..
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Good parenting requires the ability to strike a healthy balance
