U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 1.5 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Jump to a detailed profile or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Business Search - 14 Million verified businesses
Search for:  near: 
 
 
Old 04-02-2009, 01:16 PM
 
433 posts, read 1,105,705 times
Reputation: 151
He does great at school and has never had a problem

My other 2 kids "always" listen and have never talked back.

Maybe he is looking for attention. He has a stronger personality than the other 2 and I think he wants to control things and not do what he's told.

The other 2 kind of stick together and maybe he feels left out. I'm not sure if he felt left out and then started being mean or he started being mean and then they left him out.

When we lived in IL the 2 younger were the best of friends. They didn't really play with other kids except at school and then when we moved to GA they played with lots of kids in the neighborhood and that seems to be when it started. I don't know if the other kids were leaving him out or not letting him do things which frustrated him or what.
Quick reply to this message

 
Old 04-02-2009, 01:47 PM
 
Location: Aberdeen
115 posts, read 157,095 times
Reputation: 226
It sounds to me as though your son doesn't respect you. You are right to suspect that consistency is part of the problem. You must follow through with your promises of consequences, and immediate consequences are better than delayed. But there is another problem that you yourself admitted and that is that you said you often doubt yourself. Your son senses this and plays on it. He doesn't respect you as the parent and is challenging your authority. I think this because you said that he seems to exhibit this behavior only at home not with other authority figures (soccer coach).

One thing I would like to clarify... the purpose of spanking is not to inflict pain and fear, but to establish cause and effect behavior modification. As was stated by someone else, you don't spank out of anger, but love. By spanking, you establish "If I do XYZ, I get a spanking and spankings are uncomfortable... I won't do XYZ." This is cause and effect rationalization. Without this training, children won't comprehend "don't play in the street because you could get hit by a car" nor do they understand that how they behave affects other people. Spanking is not the only way to train cause and effect, it is the simplest way because children understand it. They can easily tune out a lecture (reasoning). I just wanted to explain that spanking is not the torture/interrigation technique a lot of people try to make it out to be (if used properly, that is out of love). Not to mention, it is the training method sanctioned by God (if you happend to be a believer).

Another thing to take into consideration is that boys have several bursts of testerostone during development prior to puberty. This may be part of the problem. My oldest boy went through two periods of this, around 8 and 10 years of age. He even struck out at my wife on rare occasions, so be prepared. She had to establish that she was in control and to be respected and I had to re-enforce that concept with him. He never thought of pulling his stunts with me because he respected me. Now that he respects his mother more, his love for her is much more visible.

You aren't alone. This is often part of rearing boys. God bless you in your efforts and keep at it. Don't give up or the problem will only get worse.
Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-02-2009, 01:52 PM
 
Location: Australia
1,489 posts, read 1,682,813 times
Reputation: 1643
Firm Boundaries

Do things with the kid. That is dont have your only interaction with the kid when you are trying to get him up or dressed or to school. Plenty of relationship building when you are doing something WITH the kid. Play a board game, cards, go for a bike ride, take a train trip downtown and ride the elevators to the top floors of the highest buildings and take a photo of your selves with the view in the background (If you can get to a window that is). Probably does not matter what you do but do it WITH him. (Cleaning the room & doing the dishes TOGETHER can even be counted as this sort of thing provided you do some non chore stuff with them)

Some interesting and physical challenges

Plenty of sleep.
No junk food.
Limit TV.
Insist on good behaviour. Model Good behaviour.

If you threaten a punishment then carry it out. If you don't spank then don't threaten to spank. However I am a great believer in spanking and for bad language, clean their mouth out with soap.
Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-02-2009, 02:11 PM
 
3,191 posts, read 5,550,817 times
Reputation: 2079
I don't know your religious preferences, as he is a Christian, but perhaps Dr. James Dobson's Bringing Up Boys will shed some insight on guiding you in raising those great sons?
I have heard good about it...
good luck
Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-02-2009, 02:33 PM
 
Location: Oregon
1,532 posts, read 1,608,248 times
Reputation: 6880
Since he seems to be the one always getting in trouble, I would try to make sure he is given plenty of opportunities to "do good". Make things for him to do that you can praise him for. He still needs the punishment when he does wrong, but maybe he will start to catch on that it is much more enjoyable getting praise than punishment! It sounds like it could be an attention thing.

I have a boy and a girl. I used to feel bad when my son was 3 and daughter was 19 months, because she was at that stage when everything she did was "cute", and all my son did was get in trouble - - I made opportunities for him to be "cute" or get praise. Things definetely were not perfect all the time, but it passed! Funny, the tables have turned now - - - they are 10 & 11, and now my dd is the one that gets in more trouble?! He is really laid back and accepts being told something is wrong, and she will argue tooth and nail until she gets in trouble, when she wasn't even in trouble to begin with!

BTW - For backtalk or bad language, the soap thing may seem mean, but it does work! I only had to do that once - they remembered!
Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-02-2009, 04:41 PM
 
Location: CITY OF ANGELS AND CONSTANT DANGER
5,404 posts, read 7,779,416 times
Reputation: 2166
a book?

you mean a book to that behind!!!
Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-02-2009, 04:48 PM
 
Location: CITY OF ANGELS AND CONSTANT DANGER
5,404 posts, read 7,779,416 times
Reputation: 2166
ok seriously. remind him what respect is. how is he going to be respected if he cant respect others?

Last edited by the one; 04-02-2009 at 04:56 PM..
Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-02-2009, 05:07 PM
 
396 posts, read 640,678 times
Reputation: 283
Quote:
Originally Posted by boilrmkr View Post
How do I get control of a 7 year old who talks back and is mean to his older brothers? He's driving us nuts and we need to get him under control before it is too late.

Is there a good book? I have a feeling some of you will tell me to be consistant. I know I need to do that but I am not always sure when to have him sit on his bed or take away his favorite things. At the rate he is going he would never get off the bed.
I'll never forget when my mom had it with my mouth, I was really fresh, disrespectful, and out of control.
One night, we were at the diner; her, my little sister and myself, I said something nasty, and I will never forget the look on her face when she said, "that's it."
When we went home, she brought me into the kitchen, and took a bottle of palmolive dishwashing soap, and force-fed it to me.
I was so pissed (it tasted sooooo bad) that I started yelling. As I yelled, the air created a bubble that came out of my mouth and got bigger and bigger; it was huge! It popped and the soap went in my eyes...

I can tell you that this little last ditch effort of hers did the trick, and I will never forget it.
Sometimes, you can try to do all the things they tell you to do in books and what not, but eventually, you have to grab the bull by the horns.

Good luck!
Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-02-2009, 06:28 PM
 
Location: Chicago 'burbs'
1,022 posts, read 2,194,667 times
Reputation: 677
There are certain things that my kids are NOT to say, or they get soap in the mouth... like: I hate you, you are stupid, retarded, an idiot, or any insult about body type or parts (ie: Fat), you suck, ect. I could go on and on. I think you get the picture. Soap works great to get your point across and let them know you mean business!! They don't forget how awful it tastes, either. Doing it once or twice should do the trick. Then just the mention of it works!!

Kids will fight, they will argue. It won't just go away. It will be an ongoing battle. It is where YOU draw the line, and what you will do about it when they cross said line. My kids got soap in the mouth when they were younger. I've threatened soap just today. They knew I would do it, so it ended there. Now I send my kids to bed early when the fighting gets out of hand. They get warned, then it's early bed time. It seems to work with my kids. They are a little older now (10-12), so the fighting seems to come and go in phases (Hormones??)

Soap works wonders and doesn't hurt them. It tastes so bad, they will remember it. Going to bed and listening to the other kids still up playing or watching TV works great, too!

I also like the idea of standing in the corner of whatever room Mom is in. I think that would work really well, too. Especially for a 7 year old!!
Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-03-2009, 08:46 AM
 
809 posts, read 1,855,009 times
Reputation: 468
Whoever said that you shouldn't reward GOOD behavior is right and wrong. I wouldn't say give him a treat everytime he does something good........ but when he IS good you should OVERLY acknowledge it. PRAISE him for the good behavior, etc. (John and Kate plus 8 do this with their kids)...........

You have to stick to your guns. Obiviously if he REALLY misbehaves then he needs to be punished, but like if he's NICE to his siblings acknowledge it, praise him and THANK HIM for being good........... that's the key
Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


 
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:
Over $84,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2014, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25 - Top