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Old 07-01-2011, 07:46 AM
 
Location: colorado
2,791 posts, read 2,298,140 times
Reputation: 3214
Quote:
Originally Posted by runrgirl View Post
Next time he does this call the police (911) and let them handle this. For crying out loud grow some balls, get pissed and get this ass out of your house. This is domestic violence and he is abusing you this doesn't need to be tolerated. He may need to learn a lesson in Jail. Tell him also he will be living on his own in the future even if it's in a cardboard box under a bridge if he's a lazy ass and won't work for his own place. Why on earth are you providing him with a car.

Cuz she is S _ _ _ _ d
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Old 07-01-2011, 04:07 PM
 
3,485 posts, read 2,789,506 times
Reputation: 3116
Quote:
Originally Posted by debra123purple View Post
I have a 19 year old daughter who sometimes just loses it. She just came into the kitchen and demanded I find something for her. When I told her I would do nothing for her if she was going to speak to me that way. She then came over to me and knocked the bowl of eggs I was scrambling out of my hand, shoved me, called me a filthy name and spit in my face. I went outside to let her simmer down but she came outside and spit in my face again- and gave me more verbal abuse. I left her to calm down for a bit then scrambled some more eggs and was cooking them for my son. She came in and swore at me some more, then spat in the scrambled eggs. I tipped them onto the plate so she picked up the hot frying pan and went to hit me with it. My son came in and she took a swing at him so he put her in a head lock. She has attacked me physically before and last time she did it I called the police. They didn't arrest her but spoke to her- she just swore at them and told them she has a terrible time at home. She obviously resents me for calling the police last time - I didn't do it this time because my son subdued her- but if he hadn't been here she would have done me an injury by hitting me in the head with a hot frypan. She doesn't realise it but he prevented something horrible happening, which would have had serious consequences. My son ended up in tears because he says he never wanted to lay hands on any woman. I guess you are all thinking I must be divorced? Not yet. My husband was here both times- but he 'doesn't want to get involved'. He retreats when this sort of thing happens so if my son hadn't been here it would have been the police and the ambulance next. We are all pretty volatile in my family- but she is the only one who is violent. My husband thinks she needs 'anger management'. I think she is mentally ill- no idea of disgnosis though. I don't know what to do. Right now I want her out of my house- but mostly I feel sorry for her because when she is ranting and raging the person who is most unhappy about it all is clearly her. My husband and I are both university educated professionals. We live in a big house, have lots of pets and my children went to the best private schools in town. My daughter is now at University after a gap year last year. My son has done 3years at University and is now having a gap year. I know none of this means anything- but this is the context.
This sounds almost surreal.

I know of one high-school drop out, severe drug addict, who would have done anything, stolen anything, to get his fix - yet he would never dare to get confrontational with his parents.
Let alone at those levels of insanity...

There is so much bottled anger out there, allowed to flourish in time by misguided or misunderstood parenting techniques... it is incredible!
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Old 07-01-2011, 11:41 PM
 
1,846 posts, read 1,334,468 times
Reputation: 2442
Directed in general...

This son sounds completely out of control and there is something there that is not being caught and due to his age? There is nothing that a parent can make a child of "age" do...this is reality...

The behavior is not within the normal range at all..regardless of issues that are internal to the family..Grand manipulation through physical and mentally abusive outbursts seems to be happening...

First thing first...a parent can "love" their child to death..meaning by allowing this type of destructive behavior the child continues to rely on these methods to get his way or vent in a very unhealthy manner hence not obtaining normal conflict/resolution skills that are mandatory to make it in the real world...

A parent can love their child very much this is only normal however there needs to be boundaries, we teach our children this when they are babies, it allows them to feel safe and to be able to learn, this does not stop as they get older...Natural consequences...everybody and everything that lives has these...

I am not going to DX any children in this thread however I will state a generic approach...DO NOT ALLOW THEIR BEHAVIOR TO WORK FOR THEM..

This approach is not for the faint of heart or those that are not ready to do this...

1. Leverage...means what are you providing for your child? Car, money for gas, TV, Laptop, Internet, TV, Spending money, ipod, cell phone..ect..bed, roof over the head, food ect.. i.e. basic needs.

2. Is your child doing drugs? consuming way too much alcohol? Self medicating is often the case of those whom have not been formally diagnosed with a mental disease.
3. Explain in a calm manner that this behavior will not be tolerated and yes a contract muct be made and the child does not need to sign it...these are basic rules of the house..if broken they have their items taken away for a determined length of time if the behavior persists they must be exited out of the home.
4. If the child continues to be destructive and continues to frequent the home and there is a fear of safety? Obtain a restraining order.
5. If the child threatens to harm family or siblings or themselves contact the PD and request a 51/50...

These are the best things one can do for a child in crisis..and it may seem harsh but sometimes a person has to hit rock bottom before they realize that the way they are is not working for them nor is it healthy...
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Old 07-02-2011, 08:46 AM
 
Location: Barrington, IL area
1,593 posts, read 1,346,178 times
Reputation: 4897
Any parent with a 19 year old being violent should call 911 and have them arrested. They are officially an adult, and should be punished like one. And then of course, be thrown out of your home.
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Old 07-02-2011, 11:59 AM
 
47,586 posts, read 32,320,522 times
Reputation: 21465
Quote:
Originally Posted by debra123purple View Post
I have a 19 year old daughter who sometimes just loses it. She just came into the kitchen and demanded I find something for her. When I told her I would do nothing for her if she was going to speak to me that way. She then came over to me and knocked the bowl of eggs I was scrambling out of my hand, shoved me, called me a filthy name and spit in my face. I went outside to let her simmer down but she came outside and spit in my face again- and gave me more verbal abuse. I left her to calm down for a bit then scrambled some more eggs and was cooking them for my son. She came in and swore at me some more, then spat in the scrambled eggs. I tipped them onto the plate so she picked up the hot frying pan and went to hit me with it. My son came in and she took a swing at him so he put her in a head lock. She has attacked me physically before and last time she did it I called the police. They didn't arrest her but spoke to her- she just swore at them and told them she has a terrible time at home. She obviously resents me for calling the police last time - I didn't do it this time because my son subdued her- but if he hadn't been here she would have done me an injury by hitting me in the head with a hot frypan. She doesn't realise it but he prevented something horrible happening, which would have had serious consequences. My son ended up in tears because he says he never wanted to lay hands on any woman. I guess you are all thinking I must be divorced? Not yet. My husband was here both times- but he 'doesn't want to get involved'. He retreats when this sort of thing happens so if my son hadn't been here it would have been the police and the ambulance next. We are all pretty volatile in my family- but she is the only one who is violent. My husband thinks she needs 'anger management'. I think she is mentally ill- no idea of disgnosis though. I don't know what to do. Right now I want her out of my house- but mostly I feel sorry for her because when she is ranting and raging the person who is most unhappy about it all is clearly her. My husband and I are both university educated professionals. We live in a big house, have lots of pets and my children went to the best private schools in town. My daughter is now at University after a gap year last year. My son has done 3years at University and is now having a gap year. I know none of this means anything- but this is the context.
I think you need to call the police, put a protective order out against her and press charges.

Your daughter needs to learn that violence in the home is not acceptable. A few days in jail isn't going to hurt her either.

One couple I know had a child who wasn't violent but was stealing all their things to pawn them for his drug problem so they allowed it for a while but saw that wasn't going to stop so finally got the police involved. He ended up in some program and half-way house and was forced to get some job skills and it actually worked for him. They now have a good relationship with him and he's on a straight path.

It's no use trying to figure out what went wrong at this point. Maybe a child at age 3 needs to have learned some kind of fear or respect and if they never learned it while young, it's too late after age 15 or 16. The only thing now is to do what needs to be done and that is to never allow this behavior in the home again.
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Old 05-18-2013, 11:31 AM
 
1 posts, read 283 times
Reputation: 15
I sympathize with you. I am also the single mother of an out of control teen. I "let" him leave 2 days ago when I attempted to ground him from his phone and he responded by kicking holes in the walls all over the house. I have been dealing with his tantrums for years and have tried to be patient. His father is involved at his convenience (30 min a month?) So I know the kid is feeling abandoned. He is failing his third year of HS and can't keep a job. We allowed him to live with gprnts for 6 mo when he wouldn't follow the rules, but during that time he ended up in legal trouble. He will not stand for anyone telling him what to do. A few weeks ago he elbowed me in the face (over the phone again) and gave me a black eye. On mother's day he stole all the money from my wallet while I was in the bathroom. I worry about him for so many reasons but I have done everything in my power to get him help and he refuses to cooperate. He is also a compulsive liar who is skilled at manipulation. I can't allow him back home for obvious reasons. As a parent there is nothing more heartbreaking than to deal with an unruly child. I share your pain.
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Old 05-26-2013, 06:46 AM
 
3,121 posts, read 1,542,600 times
Reputation: 1385
I think anger issues can be traced to a few "gripes"...how did he do in school? Usually, that is the source of great frustration for many kids/young adults...they see their friends doing well, but they can't...then they realize quickly they won't have much of a future...look at his education and see if he is upset about that....go from there....
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