U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 04-12-2009, 03:59 PM
 
1,986 posts, read 3,596,332 times
Reputation: 1319

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by afoigrokerkok View Post
True. Maybe he needs to be arrested for what he has done in her home.
If an insane person, offspring or not, was destroying my home, he'd be sitting himself in a cell for a while. Sometimes that's the only way they learn. And if they don't with that, they never will.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 04-12-2009, 04:07 PM
 
Location: Washington DC
380 posts, read 960,821 times
Reputation: 254
Lady,
Get away from that boy. or get him court ordered medical treatment-you do not have to tolerate this behavior. It is parents who tolerate such, that we have ended up with things like the Va. Tech shootings. You have a responsibility to yourself and the community. His father and you both need to get him in some treatment.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-12-2009, 04:35 PM
 
Location: Fort Thomas, Arizona
81 posts, read 242,670 times
Reputation: 40
Because he is over eighteen, I would suggest that you take back the vehicle immediately, and make it clear to him that he is no longer welcome in your home. If necessary, you can file an order of protection/injunction against harassment to keep him from re-entering your home. His behavior is dangerous and unhealthy.

I completely understand that you love him, and don't want to abandon him, but this is clearly one of those moments where you are probably hurting him more than helping him. It's time for tough love, and there is no one better to give that to him than you. If you begin to weaken, realize that when you do, you are enabling his behavior, possibly making it worse. You deserve peace in your life.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-12-2009, 04:59 PM
 
8,862 posts, read 15,024,356 times
Reputation: 2280
Quote:
Originally Posted by stormy night View Post
If an insane person, offspring or not, was destroying my home, he'd be sitting himself in a cell for a while. Sometimes that's the only way they learn. And if they don't with that, they never will.
Punishment does not correct 'mental illness' nor does it address substance abuse issues.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-12-2009, 06:02 PM
 
Location: Texas
14,969 posts, read 14,409,137 times
Reputation: 4567
Quote:
Originally Posted by stormy night View Post
If an insane person, offspring or not, was destroying my home, he'd be sitting himself in a cell for a while. Sometimes that's the only way they learn. And if they don't with that, they never will.
I'd have to say I agree.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-12-2009, 06:04 PM
 
Location: Texas
14,969 posts, read 14,409,137 times
Reputation: 4567
Quote:
Originally Posted by TakeAhike View Post
Punishment does not correct 'mental illness' nor does it address substance abuse issues.
That is true, but it can sometimes motivate someone to want to change and work on those issues.

Did OP ever say her son was on drugs or had any type of mental illness anyway?

19 is old enough that it's hard to turn around going down the wrong path. It's young enough that it is POSSIBLE. A swift wake-up call can work wonders with some older teens and young adults.

Last edited by afoigrokerkok; 04-12-2009 at 06:13 PM..
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-12-2009, 07:04 PM
 
Location: Midwest
4,497 posts, read 7,327,935 times
Reputation: 7976
Quote:
Originally Posted by steelstress View Post
Yes, YOU DID THE RIGHT THING!

Now, stop the car payments and insurance. If they're in your name, take the car back and sell it.

Get a restraining order to prevent him from coming back to the house. And if he does, call the police.

He's and adult, let him live like one... on his own.

He's just like my brother, who my mom STILL allows to live with her because "he's her soooonnnnnn". Puke. Only now he's 48. Don't let this happen to you. Kick him out on his a$$.
Quote:
Originally Posted by cherry251 View Post
Geez, he sounds like he needs a real wake-up call. He sounds like he belongs in juvy.

Maybe next time he damages your property, call the cops on him. Let him spend a night in jail and then he'll realize how good he has it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Laura707 View Post
That is YOUR house! Kick him out and get a restraining order! You have let this go on far to long, you are enabling him by NOT kicking him out and allowing this to continue.

I could not phantom anyone disrespecting me like that in my OWN house or being so destructive towards anything in my house.. I can't phantom it because I would never allow it. I would have called the law the first time he pulled that in my house.

If you don't teach him his destructive ways has consequences, WHO will? (Look at what you ARE teaching him!)
Quote:
Originally Posted by MilitaryCampMom View Post
Because he is over eighteen, I would suggest that you take back the vehicle immediately, and make it clear to him that he is no longer welcome in your home. If necessary, you can file an order of protection/injunction against harassment to keep him from re-entering your home. His behavior is dangerous and unhealthy.

I completely understand that you love him, and don't want to abandon him, but this is clearly one of those moments where you are probably hurting him more than helping him. It's time for tough love, and there is no one better to give that to him than you. If you begin to weaken, realize that when you do, you are enabling his behavior, possibly making it worse. You deserve peace in your life.
All good advice.

First things the kid needs are a complete medical exam and then a psych and substance abuse workup.

If he's bipolar, developing schizophrenia, a substance abuser, and/or a sociopath, he needs professional help.

YOU need a restraining order and him off the property.

Every enabling act you engage in just tells him what he's doing is OK, do it again. He's testing for limits and has found none.

We all have war stories. I know a wonderful lady whose 55 year old pure alcoholic son has lived there his whole life.

I dated a woman whose son sounded like a budding sociopath. Just like his daddy.

These are serious symptoms--obviously--and this young man needs a complete assessment.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-13-2009, 08:25 AM
 
Location: Visitation between Wal-Mart & Home Depot
8,308 posts, read 34,856,549 times
Reputation: 7103
I don't know all the facts, but that sounds very much like a daddy issue to me. My father would have tanned my backside for acting out like that and speaking disrespectfully to my mother was unfathomable. You're in an impossible situation, but tolerating that behavior is not doing him any favors. The rest of the world will not. Its probably too late to address this with a parenting strategy. This is something he's going to have to grow out of on his own (probably with considerable professional help).

Also, if he's 19 and the vehicle is in his name you may not be able to simply take it back. You may, however, just stop making payments.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-13-2009, 08:33 AM
 
Location: Michigan
12,715 posts, read 11,780,319 times
Reputation: 4151
Quote:
Originally Posted by marysunshine3864 View Post
I have a 19 year old son with a violent temper. He has punched holes in the walls, kicked out spindles in my staircase, thrown everything imaginable at walls, kicked my appliances in the kitchen leaving dents in my dishwasher and a hole in the door of my fridge. He's spit in my face, and calls me horrible names. This has been going on for a while, I have tried to talk to him, love him, tough love, spoil him, counseling, medication, nothing has worked. He says he's that way because of me, but I honestly have done all I can. Today he took another nutty and threw a 16oz bottled water against the walls I just killed myself to patch and paint again for the 100th time, called me a very, very nasty name when I told him he was not welcomed back in the house.
If it took you this long, you deserved most of what you got.

If you have some tiny remnant of sanity left, get a restraining order NOW.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-13-2009, 08:38 AM
 
Location: Michigan
12,715 posts, read 11,780,319 times
Reputation: 4151
Quote:
Originally Posted by TakeAhike View Post
Punishment does not correct 'mental illness' nor does it address substance abuse issues.
Incarceration, at least in theory, is not simply "punishment". Criminal Justice professionals list several different jusifications for incarceration: rehabilitation, incapacitation, deterrence, then last and least retribution.

I'm not convinced, by the way, that incarceration is needed nearly as often as we actually employ it in this country. But the OP's son sounds like a textbook case of someone who needs it.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
Similar Threads
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2019, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top