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Old 04-11-2009, 06:51 PM
 
9 posts, read 38,180 times
Reputation: 15
Default Violent 19 year old son...

I have a 19 year old son with a violent temper. He has punched holes in the walls, kicked out spindles in my staircase, thrown everything imaginable at walls, kicked my appliances in the kitchen leaving dents in my dishwasher and a hole in the door of my fridge. He's spit in my face, and calls me horrible names. This has been going on for a while, I have tried to talk to him, love him, tough love, spoil him, counseling, medication, nothing has worked. He says he's that way because of me, but I honestly have done all I can. Today he took another nutty and threw a 16oz bottled water against the walls I just killed myself to patch and paint again for the 100th time, called me a very, very nasty name when I told him he was not welcomed back in the house. My daughter just called me to say that he came back took a full trash barrel and dumped it all over my screened porch. As I am writing all this I am thinking of course I am right to tell him to leave, but I feel so afraid that I will cave in. SOMEONE TELL ME I DID THE RIGHT THING?

p.s. I am a single parent and his father already took him in once and threw him out due to the same behavior. He has a car (which I pay car payment and insurance) so he has means of transport.
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Old 04-11-2009, 07:01 PM
 
Location: Texas
13,985 posts, read 7,290,124 times
Reputation: 3319
You did the right thing. Now I think you need to do some more.

1. Get YOUR car back.

2. Require him to pay for the damages he has caused in YOUR home.

Has he ever actually assaulted you? Does he work? Is he in school?
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Old 04-11-2009, 07:04 PM
 
5,744 posts, read 4,400,508 times
Reputation: 8680
Yes, YOU DID THE RIGHT THING!

Now, stop the car payments and insurance. If they're in your name, take the car back and sell it.

Get a restraining order to prevent him from coming back to the house. And if he does, call the police.

He's and adult, let him live like one... on his own.

He's just like my brother, who my mom STILL allows to live with her because "he's her soooonnnnnn". Puke. Only now he's 48. Don't let this happen to you. Kick him out on his a$$.
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Old 04-11-2009, 07:13 PM
 
Location: Texas
13,985 posts, read 7,290,124 times
Reputation: 3319
Quote:
Originally Posted by steelstress View Post
Yes, YOU DID THE RIGHT THING!

Now, stop the car payments and insurance. If they're in your name, take the car back and sell it.

Get a restraining order to prevent him from coming back to the house. And if he does, call the police.

He's and adult, let him live like one... on his own.

He's just like my brother, who my mom STILL allows to live with her because "he's her soooonnnnnn". Puke. Only now he's 48. Don't let this happen to you. Kick him out on his a$$.
My father still supports my 43 year old sister plus her husband and kids. They don't live with him, no. But he pays for the vast majority of their things, their bills, possibly even their mortgage.

It's a long way from 19 to 43/48...but if the kid is mooching, he needs to be booted out. If he is violent even more so.
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Old 04-11-2009, 07:27 PM
 
Location: NE Oklahoma
1,036 posts, read 1,673,983 times
Reputation: 1014
Yes....get your car back.
I have a 16 year old daughter that we are on the FIRST round of this with.
She informed me Tuesday that she was gonna hurt me when I told her she couldn't have a sandwich. We were 1 hour from going out to eat dinner. Ummm I defended myself.. and when the police got there, I had her held down to the ground by her hair. The next day I had bruises. I don't do that... I will not tolerate that sort of behavior.
Wednesday I took her to her father's house. She has wanted to live with her father for years. The grass is always greener...of course. We have been divorced for 8 years. I have been remarried for 5. Needless to say she thinks Mark hates her. No one hates her but we do have boundaries and rules for behavior in our home. She doesn't want to follow any rules.
Also she is bipolar and refuses medication, testing, or counseling. I don't know what I am going to do if my ex husband don't keep her. Their situation is wonderful. His GIRLFRIEND that he lives with is working on their RD child together... She has 2 older boys (16 and 9) from her HUSBAND that she isn't divorced from..yet.. after 5 years of them together. The Girlfriend graduated from the Th grade, education isn't important to her in the least. She "home schools" her two older boys but they have no formal education to say the least. The older one is 16 and can't read a box of cereal. Maybe he is learning other things..I don't know. I would think reading is important though.
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Old 04-11-2009, 08:19 PM
 
9 posts, read 38,180 times
Reputation: 15
Yes, I know you guys are right. I am really at the end of my rope, I don't understand how or why a kid would act that way, tomorrow's Easter, and it's going to be sad. I think that it's would be almost more abusive to keep him home and let him think that it's ok to treat his mother or any other woman like that. It's just really sad at night when you're wondering where your child is and is he safe. That's the hard part. Thanks for the posts! You guys are great.
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Old 04-11-2009, 08:35 PM
 
Location: Columbia, California
6,516 posts, read 13,491,207 times
Reputation: 4522
Take the car away. If he takes it after that, report the car stolen.
I would call the police on him. Press charges. The boy needs to learn the hard way he is now responsible for his actions.

My younger brother is 37, he has told me he has been addicted to drugs since he was 10. Many behavior traits like your sons.
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Old 04-11-2009, 09:37 PM
 
2,465 posts, read 2,887,932 times
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You say this has been going on for a while now. How long is a while? 6 months, a year, 2 years, longer? What was his demeanor before he became violent? Was he a handful when he was younger and seem to cause you more than normal frustrations or was he pretty typical?

I ask these questions to get a better feel of what might be happening. If this is something that has been going on since young childhood and has been increasing over time he could possibly have some behavioral issues or mental health problems. Sometimes medication and threapy can be of help if you can convince him now at this age to go get help.

If this has only been happening for say the last couple of years, then is it possible he has a drug problem or a drinking problem? If this could be the case he needs to get help for that as well and you may have to do an intervention to get him that help.

My sister had some issues where she would get very angry and throw things and threaten to harm someone. Well one night when she was about 16 she totally lost it on my grandmother and she threw a knife in my grandmother's direction. My grandmother picked up the phone called the police and told them she had an out of control teen on her hands. They came and took her to juvie. She was angry as all get out to think that my grandmother would actually call the police on her, but after she sat there in juvie for a while she realized it was probably one of the best things my grandmother did for her.

You had every right to kick him out of the house when he became violent, especially now that he is an adult. I'd stick to my guns about letting him come back and if he comes back again and pulls anything DO NOT HESITATE to call the cops.
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Old 04-11-2009, 09:57 PM
 
515 posts, read 810,779 times
Reputation: 300
Geez, he sounds like he needs a real wake-up call. He sounds like he belongs in juvy.

Maybe next time he damages your property, call the cops on him. Let him spend a night in jail and then he'll realize how good he has it.
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Old 04-11-2009, 10:35 PM
 
Location: Columbia, California
6,516 posts, read 13,491,207 times
Reputation: 4522
Quote:
Originally Posted by cherry251 View Post
Geez, he sounds like he needs a real wake-up call. He sounds like he belongs in juvy.,,,,,.
At 19 he missed that boat, it's big boy prison for him.
If he were out of control to everyone he would be put away for being crazy. Since this is directed at the parents it shows he has control.

Back 20 years ago I had a girlfriend who would come home from work at the hospital and berate me and beat me. When I asked her why she thought this was ok she told me she could not do this at work. I reminded her this was wrong at home as well, eventually I made her move out of my house.
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