U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 03-31-2007, 05:21 PM
 
Location: FL
1,943 posts, read 7,627,049 times
Reputation: 2236

Advertisements

I have seen parents-specifically family, who tried the whole nuturing, positive, "indoor voices"...and their children took advantage of it, were off the walls, fighting, cursing at ages 5 and 8 so much that I just couldn't bring my children around them anymore ...so obviously, that method was not working for them.

I have seen parents totally go overboard with the hitting method and that wasn't working.

I do not at ALL feel bad for any method that I have tried. Someone else's way works great for them, my parental methods work great for me. My children are honor roll students, with the oldest (almost 12) STILL saying he loves me in front of his friends, still cuddling me...still wanting his father to tuck him in...confiding in us with school problems (bullies, girls,)..not one of my children are...scared of me. I did not FORCE them to respect me. They do not FEAR me or my husband.

We have spanked them on their bottom...as a last resort. Worked for my older so that he barely ever needed it, did not work for my younger-so I didn't do it. A last method tried, that did not work so it was halted.

Writing lines works for both my children. Tabasco worked for my younger. Last time I had to use it....I can't even remember. A year? Longer? And no, I didn't take a ladle of it...it was on the edge of a spoon. A drop. Sure I am sure his tongue burned. It was supposed to; heck, it isn't sugar. But he didn't like that consequence, so look...I haven't had to use it. Taking away electronics works for my children...so that has been done.

And I have done all of the positive reinforcements. We have had calendars on the fridge that we have used for stickers...we have involved grandparents with special rewards...movie nights.

What works for your children might not work for mine, and vice versa. Apart from neglecting a child, physically abusing a child to the point that there are bodily marks on him and he cowers in fear whenever in your presence, verbally abusing a child to the point that he feels worthless and is depressed......no method is wrong or right. Just opinions, and everyone has them. Doesn't make it right. That's why they're not called FACTS, just opinions.

Sometimes I even let my children tell me what they think they deserve!

And I keep that hot sauce ready
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 03-31-2007, 05:24 PM
 
Location: FL
1,943 posts, read 7,627,049 times
Reputation: 2236
[quote=cil;520468]Respect can be encouraged, but it, unlike fear, will not be brought about with Tabasco or spanking. A parent must have self respect, and treat his or her child the same.QUOTE]

As a matter of fact, we have already made a point, when we have said something uncalled for out of anger, to have them give us hot sauce in our mouths! And they respect us enough, and NOT fear us, that if they don't like something we did or how we acted to a situation, each one of them has told us about it...and we have sat and discussed why we acted like that, whether we were right or wrong, and shared tears.....I hate to sound like this, but I think I am a great mother.

Putting soap and pepper and hot sauce have been around for manymanymany years...and I don't think someone turned out bad for it
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-31-2007, 09:19 PM
 
17,158 posts, read 22,167,733 times
Reputation: 31223
at that age, kids are full of energy, and curiousity. when my son was that age, i learned quickly, he needed to release his high energy, outside play,,,,with running involved,,,if this didnt happen, he'd be ten times more rebellious.
when i got home from work, i planned on "outside" time,,,to play with him,,he loved it! and it worked,,,,,he was great after he burned up some couped up energy, and bedtime was ten times easier.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-31-2007, 11:06 PM
 
Location: Where the real happy cows reside!
4,281 posts, read 9,277,556 times
Reputation: 10414
My Mom always said kids are like puppies. Routine, routine, routine and training, training, training. They go hand in hand. Get out of the routine and it's confusion for everyone, get out of training and it all goes to hell.

My husband and I have stuck to a routine from day one. Yes it goes a little astray sometimes when we move, work late etc but I always get right back into it. As for the training side of it, I don't let things slide. My son sasses me and it is dealt with right there and then. I also follow through on my "threats." Goodbye PS2, TV, Gameboy etc

I don't use the hot sauce as punishment. I couldn't do that since I saw a child gag and throw up from having a drop put on her tongue.

Below is a link to a newspaper article I thought you might be interested in.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn...-2004Aug9.html

Hoosier, I sure wish your wonderful family all the luck in the world on this one. You'll get into the groove and it'll all work out.

You could always watch the British Nanny, Jo Jo or get her book. She seems to be on the ball!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-31-2007, 11:56 PM
 
12,983 posts, read 12,572,221 times
Reputation: 19658
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hoosier_guy View Post
I'm not sure if you are a mom and do not want to second guess anything you have or haven't done. If you haven't been in a situation it is so hard to say "I would never do that". Not saying you said that...I'm just saying this as I know many others will read these posts and not respond.
Just to clarify things, yes I am a mother. My son is now 21. He was always an extremely well behaved, good, funny smart kid and maybe I did get really lucky in that regard, but I CAN say I would never do that. Believe it.
Some of these 'suggestions' bothered me a great deal, really surprising.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-01-2007, 12:57 AM
 
Location: Fly Over Country
30 posts, read 81,166 times
Reputation: 44
I'm with you, Fuzzy. I'm the mom of three boys (5, 8, and 10). One has Asperger's and Sensory Integration Disorder, one has Sensory Integration Disorder and some other issues that we haven't had a clear diagnosis for... we've not had an easy time of it. We have extremely high standards for acceptable behavior. We train, have clear expectations, and use positive discipline. The result... I recently took my boys out to breakfast at a busy diner, where we had a pleasant meal and chatted, joked, and enjoyed each other. No whining, no misbehaving. Just a pleasant meal. As we were leaving, an older couple that had been sitting at an adjacent table stopped me and complemented me on my family and their behavior.

Even with difficult children you don't need to hurt them to get good results.

Clearly, the OPs boy is crying out for his mama's attention. What I would do, as a working mama, in that situation is drop everything, say "screw the pajamas", I'd blow up the air mattress in front of the big tv in the living room, put on a Godzilla video, pop some popcorn, and have a mama-son slumber party.

There is not a child on this earth that doesn't want his parent's approval... especially at the age of... what was it? 5? This behavior is a symptom of a problem with the relationship. Fix the relationship and I bet most of the problem behaviors will go away. But your wife has to see the importance of the relationship. Without a strong base relationship, positive discipline will not work any better than punitive.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-01-2007, 05:33 AM
 
Location: on an island
13,374 posts, read 40,153,042 times
Reputation: 13176
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hoosier_guy View Post
Exercise: He goes to a preschool and they play inside all day and have one or two times where they go out on the playground.

Naps: yes the kids take naps at the preschool. I have told them to not allow him to sleep the full 2 hours. That is way too long and I believe is one of our problems.

Bedtime: This is where we've screwed up. We don't have a routine down since I started working outside the home. Nine times out of ten I'm the one who stays up with him 'til almost 11 trying to get him to sleep. I used to read to him every night and get the routine...but I've slacked on that. Tonight starts a new routine. Thank you.

Being called Poopie head: It's not so much that he called her that specific name, it's the attitude behind it. When he says it, its with a very defiant and mocking tone.

Redirection: We've tried that option with the jammies and he just stands there and says hmmmmpphhh!! So she gets frustrated. I just say, okay, we're doing your truck jammies tonight. Sometimes I'll get the "no, I want my cars" then I'll give him the cars because he told me in a nice voice. But many times it's just hmmmmpph! So it's daddy's choice then!


Asthma: sometimes his attitude is directly related to his asthma. He has chronic asthma and we're also seeing a pediatric immunologist for him right now. When we give him a nebulizer treatment he will 5 times out of 5 fall asleep to it...which says his asthma is bad since albuterol stimulates! However the problem is that everytime he acts like this my wife wants to give him a neb treatment because she believes it's always his asthma. I disagree. Again, another area of contention. I try to tell her that he is a boy and these are things that boys do to get your ire up. I'm not always right but as an Irishman I sure put up a good fight sometimes.
Sounds like you have some things to work out.
It's too bad he is still taking naps, this might have a lot to do with it. But I realize there is probably not a whole lot you can do about that situation.
Hopefully you can get back into a consistant bedtime routine, I bet that would help. I agree with Mainebrokerman; some fresh air and "getting your ya-yas out" in the afternoon/evening would be beneficial.
As for the hot sauce and spanking etc, I realize everyone has different methods. Not everyone feels they should have to negotiate with their kid, or put up with any kind of attitude, whether it's poopiehead or worse.
To me, the most desirable goal is that the kid learns and understands*self* discipline; everything comes so much more easily once that is established.
I just don't see how you learn to do the right thing by being afraid of a spanking or hot sauce on the tongue. To me, it just seems like a short cut.
Most of all, I think about the future: both my boys, by the time they were 13, became a lot bigger than me, and obviously were more and more independent. When those hormones kick in, that's when a solid relationship between parent and child can really matter.
However, we all do what we think is best for our kids. Believe me, it wasn't always so rosy with our older one. I do not think I've always been a perfect parent, fortunately both the boys have turned out to be good people.
Hoosier Guy
Please let us know if you are able to improve your situation.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-01-2007, 07:23 AM
 
Location: Miami. Florida
942 posts, read 2,328,685 times
Reputation: 892
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hoosier_guy View Post
Exercise: He goes to a preschool and they play inside all day and have one or two times where they go out on the playground.

Naps: yes the kids take naps at the preschool. I have told them to not allow him to sleep the full 2 hours. That is way too long and I believe is one of our problems.

Bedtime: This is where we've screwed up. We don't have a routine down since I started working outside the home. Nine times out of ten I'm the one who stays up with him 'til almost 11 trying to get him to sleep. I used to read to him every night and get the routine...but I've slacked on that. Tonight starts a new routine. Thank you.

Being called Poopie head: It's not so much that he called her that specific name, it's the attitude behind it. When he says it, its with a very defiant and mocking tone.

Redirection: We've tried that option with the jammies and he just stands there and says hmmmmpphhh!! So she gets frustrated. I just say, okay, we're doing your truck jammies tonight. Sometimes I'll get the "no, I want my cars" then I'll give him the cars because he told me in a nice voice. But many times it's just hmmmmpph! So it's daddy's choice then!


Asthma: sometimes his attitude is directly related to his asthma. He has chronic asthma and we're also seeing a pediatric immunologist for him right now. When we give him a nebulizer treatment he will 5 times out of 5 fall asleep to it...which says his asthma is bad since albuterol stimulates! However the problem is that everytime he acts like this my wife wants to give him a neb treatment because she believes it's always his asthma. I disagree. Again, another area of contention. I try to tell her that he is a boy and these are things that boys do to get your ire up. I'm not always right but as an Irishman I sure put up a good fight sometimes.
Hossier your right the nebulizer treatment is a stimulant and would cause him to be more aggitated or hyper. It is amazing that he falls asleep with it. Try to give him his treatments the less the better or else when he is having an asthma attack it wont work as well. Monitor his treatments (I am not saying this is happening) make sure your wife isn't giving it to hom more than necessary.

As for the tabacco sauce, I tried something similar a few times when my kids were small but it was jalapenos. My boys are one years apart, now there 18,17 & 15 (smallest will be 16 in June). I felt teriable when I did this but I felt it necessary because it was getting out of control with the pottie mouths. Let me tell you it worked!!! They were scared out of there witts. Stoped the bad mouthing and now they LOVE spicy food. No trauma, I perhaps had to do like two to three tmes each at different times. I first tried the washing your mouth with soap they laughed at that one so the jalapenos worked just fine. It may sound cruel but it worked.

I think it would of been worse if they would of continued and in school would of continued getting in trouble for swearing. You kind have to nip it in the bud before it gets out of hand.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-01-2007, 08:00 AM
 
Location: Twin Cities
3,570 posts, read 7,776,403 times
Reputation: 5973
Quote:
Originally Posted by tet tea View Post
You could always watch the British Nanny, Jo Jo or get her book. She seems to be on the ball!

I absolutely love and respect that woman!! I've often thought about applying to be on the show, but I don't know that my situation is as bad off as the people they have on there. And to have my home life on national tv to show what an awful parent I am. Don't know if I could do that. Wish I could just hire her to come in for a week to help out like she does on the show. But I bet she costs a pretty penny...or Euro...or pound!

Cil and Fuzzy I totally know where you're coming from and now I'm really unsure what to do. I agree with everyone on this board. I will share that we did try the hot sauce last night...my wife took a drop, wiped off most of it and skiffed his tongue with it. How horrible do we feel! And it didn't work. I threatened the hot sauce again after that...went to the fridge and he started screaming and shaking. Okay, that one is not a good idea for him. I'm gonna try Mamagecko's idea with the air mattress today.

I'm talking more to my wife about this and making her go to him and interact on this. I'm also encouraging him to go give mama some cuddles because she needs some. He gets very excited and runs to where she's at on the couch and leaps into her lap. "You need cuddles mama?" She just smiles and said "yes, I sure do honey". So maybe I'll just step back and not step in so much anymore...maybe it's me that's more at fault than anyone for always trying to fix the situation. Guess that's the guy in me.

Please, please do not think that I'm a bad parent that doesn't love my children. I love these kids more than anything in this world! When my wife found out she was pregnant with him, I was pretty upset initially. We had been trying and I knew it was a possibility but I didn't want to see happen to him what had happened to our daughter. Thus the situation you all are advising me on. I was working full time and being the full time parent. She was at home and just getting by...I was/still do make nearly every meal, clean the house and do it all. It's tiring. I don't talk to my parents about this anymore because they just get angry and I can't handle them not liking her. I understand though. And I've tried getting her to pitch in and clean...left some dirty clothes on the floor in the bathroom for a week and a half hoping she'd pick them up and take them to the laundry room. It was the toughest thing for me to do because I have to clean, clean, clean...hate a dirty house. I eventually picked them up.

Do know that I love my wife very much. I'm just at my wit's end with the kids and really trying to make this all work so she will become an active part of their lives. Yes I do know how odd this is...a guy who is very involved in the kids lives and the mom who isn't. Over the past few months my wife has become more involved...since my commute is an hour each way it is just impossible for me to pick up my daughter as they close before I get there. Believe me, if I worked any closer I'd be picking her up almost daily. Sorry for getting off thread here. Don't want to peeve the OP. Oh, yeah that's right, I'm the OP! Well breakfast duty calls and then herd everyone out for church! Thanks for listening...reading.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-01-2007, 08:57 AM
 
Location: Fly Over Country
30 posts, read 81,166 times
Reputation: 44
HoosierGuy, no one thinks you're a bad parent... just the opposite. It's obvious how much you care about your kids.

I had another thought when I reread this thread, about the asthma. I'm on a daily preventative (Singulair, but there are other preventatives). Rather than giving him what sounds like a fairly regular treatment in the evening due to asthma, perhaps you should talk to his doctor about a daily preventative. Asthma treatments have come a long, long way in the past few years, and my understanding is the preferred treatment now is to go to a daily preventative (with children as well as adults), with the Albuteral and similar inhalers for "emergency" use only. That would get rid of the stimulant-before-bedtime issue. If he's not already seeing a specialist about the asmtha, I'd switch to a pediatric asthma & allergy dr.

I also very much agree with the other posters about the naps and exercise.

And you don't need to feel unusual... actually, our family sounds quite similar to yours. I put my career on hold to stay home with the kids when my second was a year old. Four years later, my husband took early retirement and I went back to work. So he's at home with the kids now, and I think he's better at it in many ways than I was.

Something else to try... this helped dramatically with my wildest son, and there's a biochemical theory as to why it works, but I won't bore you with that... try giving your boy a 20 minute bath in the evening, with Epsom Salts added (I think I used about a cup per 50 lbs of body weight). For some people, this can be tremendously calming. Although I should warn you, some parents that do this with their young children report that their kids sometimes wet the bed after.

Keep encouraging your wife about the relationship. There are ways to keep the relationship strong even with a working mom.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2018, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top