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Old 04-13-2007, 01:52 PM
 
29 posts, read 104,920 times
Reputation: 28

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I also have two boys 5 and 18 months and Yes sometimes very hard to control especially my 18 month. I feel your wifes pain, but I do agree with the one who said you need to spend more one on one time. They need to know who is boss (I know it's hard, I find myself at a loss sometimes).
I have learned some new tricks from all of you that I will also try THANKS!
Good luck I'm sure your son truley loves your wife but tell her not to give up-maybe they can join an art class or a bowling league together and make it a special mom and son thing. I did the bowling league with my son when he was 3 and he though that was the greatest thing ever.
You just need to find that one thing he is most interested in and do it together he will learn to appreciate the time spent.

Good luck!
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Old 04-14-2007, 11:11 AM
 
Location: NOTfromhere, Indiana
341 posts, read 1,339,370 times
Reputation: 203
My son will be 11 in two weeks. I never ASK him to do anything. He does as he's told. I have rules. He WILL follow. Don't think he didn't try testing the boundries. And I don't have debates with my child. I'm the adult. He's lowman.
Punishments fit age and crime.

Writing example: I will not ignore my parents.(written 50 times punctuation counts)
Timeout: Not in his room. For 10 minutes where it's dull and I can see him. Afterwards he's to explain how he screwd up and why he won't do THAT again.
Reading: Has to sit and read aloud to me (book of my choice) while I prepare dinner. Get mouthy & you'll be giving me a two page report then reading THAT to me as well pal.
Grounded: No phone, no friends, no games.
Chores: Besides the regular do it yourselfers I'll add something else. Kids at any age hate picking up dog **** or scrubbing the bathtub.
Screw around in school and you'll wind up wearing a polyester private school uniform.
Hangout with the wrong crowd & you'll spend your weekends volunteering at the old folks home.
Reward for good behavior? I'll supply all the things you need to survive plus some morals.

Above all, I'm in charge NOT my child. And he's to ALWAYS answer 'yes mamm or yes sir' to adults. I hear "Yeah or Okay or What" and it's on son!
* taunts * Mommy's mean Mommy's mean Mommy's mean !
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Old 04-15-2007, 07:31 AM
 
Location: North Dakota Farm
322 posts, read 1,117,089 times
Reputation: 171
Default Boys - girls...it's the same

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hoosier_guy View Post
We are raising a 4 year old boy...or rather these days it seems he's raising us. Our frustration level that is. He will not listen to his mom. She tries and tries and finally gives up and then I hear "I need you! Please come help me". All I have to do is walk in the room and he immediately calms down (most of the time).

The other night here was the conversation I heard from downstairs.

Mom: "come on buddy, it's time to get jammies on"
4 year old: "come on buddy, it's time to get jammies on"

Mom: "Buddy, now come one"
4 year old: "Buddy, now come on"

Mom: (getting annoyed)
4 year old: "You're a poopie head!" (laughs and laughs)

Mom: "you do not talk to me like that. Now listen to me and let's get your jammies on"
4 year old: "Poopie, poopie, poopie head!" (laughs and laughs and begins running around).

I listen some more as I want my wife to take control of the situation as I don't want to step in all the time. Lack of control upstairs...I head up and help deal with the situation.

Background: as many of you know I was an at-home dad for 3 1/2 years...since my son was 9 months old I was the primary caregiver. I am now working again outside the home. My wife has worked 50 hour weeks and has recently begun working on the weekends (past month, including today) so he doesn't see her much. When she is at home he wants to cuddle with her and she's so exhausted, or has a migrane that she needs the bedroom to herself.

I believe this is a factor in the situation, but I'm not sure how to handle my son's attitude. I know boys will be boys. However boys need to learn at an early age to respect their moms and dads. I do not want an out-of-control teenager to contend with so that is why I'm dealing with it now.

I am tired of spanking him, time-outs and just being the overall bad guy who does all the punishing. My wife and I have discussed this topic to death...we're getting nowhere. Any input from you seasoned parents, aunts and uncles would be appreciated!

And let me say lastly, he is an angel (for the most part) at preschool and childcare. When we visit friends etc. he is a model son that everyone adores! And I'm glad for that, believe me!! But down time at home, whoa! Help please.
Don't fret!! It's the same with girls!! We are in the very same situation with our 8 and 10 yr old girls. They don't listen to me, but as soon as Dad comes in...it's all over...and I'M the stay at home mom!!
I've been trying something and maybe ask your wife to try the same since it seems to be working so far for me.
I give them a choice...like with the jammies thing...I tell them they can do this the easy way or the hard way. They can do as they're told and put on their jammies (mine it's brushing teeth) or they can choose not to, BUT, these will be the consequences if they choose not to listen. ALWAYS give them an option of doing either the right thing or the wrong thing...but make sure they know what their consequences will be for doing the wrong thing. Mine get time in a corner...as lame as the famous corner sounds...once they've been in there for 48 minutes, they likely won't want to go back. If they don't listen and don't go to the corner...FORCE them and stand there so they can't get out. Once they're in the corner, they have an option of being quiet and doing their allotted time, or they can keep whining and crying or complaining and each time they open their mouth they get and extra 5 minutes in the corner. Ground him from having any treats (cookies, candies, ANYTHING special) for the next day or two and add another day for each time he whines about it. Again, this is something your wife needs to do. She needs to take initiative and ABSOLUTELY HAS to stand her ground on it.
She can't give him a consequence and not follow through with it. It'll be rough at first, but he'll catch on pretty quick. Another example....I told my daughter to clean her room (she always does it when Dad says to, but walks all over me when I ask her)...so one day I gave her a choice to clean it or everything was coming out of it. All she would have is a blanket, pillow and two outfits...everything else was coming out..furniture and all. She assumed I was lying (that's why your wife needs to stand her ground), but I surprised her by sticking to my word. She was left with all but her blanket, pillow and two outfits for school. Now she cleans when told, no matter if it's me or Dad.
Ask your wife to maybe give this option thing a try. If she doesn't have it in her to stand her ground it won't work..they'll just become useless threats and thing will get worse.
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Old 04-15-2007, 04:13 PM
 
Location: Twin Cities
3,570 posts, read 7,775,496 times
Reputation: 5973
Thank you! Wonderful advice. I have recommended the taking everything out of the room, but my wife thinks that's just so mean. She is slowly coming around and realizing things like that are sometimes necessary evils.

The other night my son would not listen to me when I asked him to get in the shower. I had originally promised him a bath, but when we were at the park he refused to listen to me when I said we were leaving. I gave him a three minute warning and then even offered one last ride down the slide. When we were at the car, he ran to the other side of the park, smiled and waved. I got in the van and moved it to the other side of the parking lot, hoping he'd run to the van ( I was not planning on leaving). I got out of the van, walked across the park, picked him up from the train he was hiding in.

We got home, told him to get in the shower. He wouldn't. He was standing there in his socks and under-roos. Water was running. He was defiant. So I picked him up and put him in the shower. Boy was he mad! (He's like me...major pet peeve is wet socks). He got out of the shower, pulled everything off and listened from then on. It was one of the few times my wife didn't argue with my method.

And thanks for the room idea. Just had to step away from the computer to deal with my 8 year old's room. Had told her to clean it. It's not. She has an allotted time to get everything clean and put WHERE it belongs, not SHOVED somewhere or I get a big black garbage bag and everything on the floor goes into the garage for a week. Thanks! Your advice is already working.
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Old 04-18-2007, 10:42 AM
 
Location: North Dakota Farm
322 posts, read 1,117,089 times
Reputation: 171
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hoosier_guy View Post
Thank you! Wonderful advice. I have recommended the taking everything out of the room, but my wife thinks that's just so mean. She is slowly coming around and realizing things like that are sometimes necessary evils.

The other night my son would not listen to me when I asked him to get in the shower. I had originally promised him a bath, but when we were at the park he refused to listen to me when I said we were leaving. I gave him a three minute warning and then even offered one last ride down the slide. When we were at the car, he ran to the other side of the park, smiled and waved. I got in the van and moved it to the other side of the parking lot, hoping he'd run to the van ( I was not planning on leaving). I got out of the van, walked across the park, picked him up from the train he was hiding in.

We got home, told him to get in the shower. He wouldn't. He was standing there in his socks and under-roos. Water was running. He was defiant. So I picked him up and put him in the shower. Boy was he mad! (He's like me...major pet peeve is wet socks). He got out of the shower, pulled everything off and listened from then on. It was one of the few times my wife didn't argue with my method.

And thanks for the room idea. Just had to step away from the computer to deal with my 8 year old's room. Had told her to clean it. It's not. She has an allotted time to get everything clean and put WHERE it belongs, not SHOVED somewhere or I get a big black garbage bag and everything on the floor goes into the garage for a week. Thanks! Your advice is already working.

When I took everything out of my daughter's room, I too thought it was just plain mean, but it worked. I had my silent (out of sight crying fit) after doing it, and as bad as I felt, it was something that had to be done. As long as the 'correction' is not done out of meaness, then she's doing the right thing. We don't believe in punishment...punishment is like bread and water chained to a wall....we use the 'correction' method. That way they ALWAYS have a choice. We're done with the counting thing too...never works. 'You do this, or you can do that, but here's what's going to happen'.
I had an episode last night with my girls, they were fighting, screaming at eachother, stomping around etc...OH THE DRAMA!!! I gave them their choice to stop or they were both going to bed. That worked for a about an hour then they started up again right at bedtime (this is a regular thing with our two girls...always in competition with eachother). I again gave them another choice. If I heard ONE more word, whisper or anything they were going into the corner. I had a peaceful night after that!

It takes a while....so far it's taken a good 6 months, but with their responses now compared to 6 months ago, I see a HUGE difference! You will too. The important thing is to stick with it. As hard as it is to do, like removing everything from their room for example, it's not done to be mean, just to show the child that the parent is in control. You or your wife can have your own crying fits about it and 'feel bad' moments AFTER and out of sight. But it's teaching your son who's really boss.

Keep us posted!! If you go this route, let us know how it's working for you. I'm glad to hear it's working so far!!
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Old 04-23-2007, 02:02 PM
 
Location: Texas
8,668 posts, read 19,912,286 times
Reputation: 21277
Default Resources

Here are 2 books which seemed to help me when we were raising our son:
"The Strong-willed Child" by James Dobson
"How to be a Hero to Your Kids" by Josh McDowell
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Old 04-23-2007, 02:41 PM
 
Location: Between Here and There
3,684 posts, read 10,839,295 times
Reputation: 1650
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hoosier_guy View Post

Background: as many of you know I was an at-home dad for 3 1/2 years...since my son was 9 months old I was the primary caregiver. I am now working again outside the home. My wife has worked 50 hour weeks and has recently begun working on the weekends (past month, including today) so he doesn't see her much. When she is at home he wants to cuddle with her and she's so exhausted, or has a migrane that she needs the bedroom to herself.

I believe this is a factor in the situation, but I'm not sure how to handle my son's attitude. I know boys will be boys. However boys need to learn at an early age to respect their moms and dads. I do not want an out-of-control teenager to contend with so that is why I'm dealing with it now.
please.
Little boys at that age are in love with their mommies...if he feels he isn't getting enough of her positive attention he will do what he has to do to get anything from her...even negative attention is better than no attention. Your wife needs to be consistent with your son in all areas. If she's disciplining him she needs to let him know that his behavior is unacceptable, that it needs to stop and what the consequence will be if it doesn't. If he doesn't listen the first time he is warned then she needs to follow through with the punishment. After a few times he will begin to listen to her. She also needs to spend time with him doing enjoyable things. Before bed she can read to him, play a quiet game or color with him, even watch a favorite television show....the positive interaction when consistent will calm him down for her so he wont' be so "hungry" for her attention all the time. Hope this helps. BTW I have two "angel" boys of my own.
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Old 04-23-2007, 06:56 PM
 
Location: Twin Cities
3,570 posts, read 7,775,496 times
Reputation: 5973
I am at a loss right now. Thank you all for your encouragement! We have been trying everything and it is beginning to work...for the most part. He has been very good lately and not giving his mom a rough time. She is being more consistent...and I am purposely stepping back and making her handle the situations. I'm notorious for stepping in to "help" out. I mean well, but guess it wasn't much help after all.

Now here's the latest, and why I needed to read those encouraging words today. Everyone was sick at home today, including my wife. Throwing up and the whole bit. I felt horrible to leave her here with them, and have experienced it many, many times so I know how difficult it is. But I had to go to work. She called me three times at work to ask me to come home to help.

I've only had this job since January and have taken other days off too for sicknesses. Today the boy would not listen to her and would not go to the bathroom. Instead of coming home I got her to turn on the speaker phone so he would listen to me. I went into dad voice and told him to go pee right now. He obliged immediately! My wife was thankful and frustrated at the same time. He and I had a short conversation and when I got home the rest of the day had gone much better.

Here's the question. Why will he only listen to me 90% of the time? She is doing a lot to change things, but he will not listen. Even when she raises her voice he won't listen. If he were older we could possibly talk through it more, but at 4 it's still so difficult.

Please help because I'm drowning here. I just don't know what else to do.
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Old 04-23-2007, 07:13 PM
 
Location: Tennessee
9 posts, read 31,620 times
Reputation: 10
Wink Best found resources

Hands down the two best parenting resources I have ever found are: "Sheparding your Child Heart" by Tedd Tripp and "To Train Up a Child" by Michael & Debi Pearl (I think the only way to get this is through www.nogreaterjoy.org) (broken link). Now these are both written by christians, if that matters to you. But the main thing is CONSTISTANCY. Nothing else will work without it. Give it 3 days. Now mind you these may be 3 of the longest days of you life, but I guarantee a difference after the 3rd day. Only say it once and expect obedience. Then, if it is not given, without emotion (this is a main key) deliver the consequence. Day 1 will be hard, day 2 even harder, day 3 can go either way, but stick it out and day 4 you will see great improvement. And, I could not have done this without prayer morning and night. And many times in between. Please, give it 3 days. That is the key!
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Old 04-23-2007, 07:53 PM
 
Location: Between Here and There
3,684 posts, read 10,839,295 times
Reputation: 1650
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hoosier_guy View Post
She is being more consistent...and I am purposely stepping back and making her handle the situations. I'm notorious for stepping in to "help" out. I mean well, but guess it wasn't much help after all.

Now here's the latest, and why I needed to read those encouraging words today. Everyone was sick at home today, including my wife. Throwing up and the whole bit. I felt horrible to leave her here with them, and have experienced it many, many times so I know how difficult it is. But I had to go to work. She called me three times at work to ask me to come home to help.
First I need to ask, is your little boy named Matthew? Sounds like mine and I was wondering if they were maybe the same child.

Second, you answered you own question. As soon as things got tough what did mom do? She called you in. I do sympathize, believe me I know how hard it is to be home sick with your little one, and I can imagine the things she said to you when you couldn't come home to help (if she's anything like me anyway) but even sick she needs to stick to her guns with him. You in turn need to stick to your guns with her. No matter how much you want to help she needs to be the one to get control of this situation, with out your help. The only thing you can do is show you are on her side (and try to talk her through) and show your son that the two of you are a united force when you all three are together. But by swooping in (picture yourself in red cape) and saving the day you are actually undermining her authority with him. It's like if mommy says it I should do it but nothing is really going to happen if I don't, but if dad says it watch out 'cause I know he'll punish me for not behaving. I know this because I have lived it. Even the dogs listened to my husband more than me!...LOL Once I took control and showed them I didn't need "daddy" to get them to do what I wanted, because I was quite capable of discipline myself (which for us is time outs and taking away privledges such as tv and toys)...things turned around very quickly. Today was a minor set back, but you need to explain to your wife that she can't rely on you to step in...she has to do it herself, even if she is sick. So many times moms want to be nice that they have a hard time holding their ground with their kids, especially the little cute kids, but she has to do it.

Your son sounds like a very bright little boy (I'm so sorry for that, it will make things harder for you ), and being so he saw her weakness, exploited it, pushed to see how far he could go with her...and found out that he could go as far as he wanted, until of course she called you in. Then he listened. I bet he's the kid who as soon as she picks up a phone suddenly urgently needs her, am I right? Yup sounds like mine.

Until your wife can show him that she is to be respected, no matter what else is going on, with out calling you in for back up he will continue to find weaknesses and exploit them. There is nothing wrong with him, this unfortunately is normal...wouldn't it be easier if somehow we could blame the child for being defective instead of the parenting skills...*sigh*

Again though be sure to give him lots of praise for good behavior as well as regular positive attention. This will make him happy and more apt to give her lots of "I love you" and "you're the best mommy ever!" so when he swears he "hates" her when she is diciplining him the sting won't be so bad.

Last edited by irishmom; 04-23-2007 at 08:12 PM..
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