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Old 04-29-2009, 08:55 PM
 
Location: Right where I want to be.
4,507 posts, read 7,829,798 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by stormy night View Post
It doesn't take 100% of your attention.

My daughter is silent in the car, but at home she is an open book and the words spill out like running water. I would never get anything done if I didn't do two or three things at once. When I stop what I'm doing is when our conversation gets heavier and what she needs from me is my full attention and thought.

We don't always do questions and answers, we get involved in philosophy, psychology and everything else, but we're always talking.

She has manners, but she also knows that what is important to her is usually important to her parents as well. She's been told to wait, but not very often.
Perhaps I am not communicating my thoughts clearly. Yes, I can walk and chew gum at the same time. I can cook dinner and talk with the kids or DH, I can drive and listen to gerbil stories, I can be making breakfast while they pack their lunches and talk about what they have going on that day, DD and I can plant be planting flowers outside and talking about the world, her favorite teacher, something she read in the paper, etc. but there are times when I can't listen/talk and do something else at the same time. The point about sewing up DD's pants was that no, I couldn't hem pants in 6 minutes and chit chat, it was going to take my FULL ATTENTION to finish the pants on time. No, I can't sit on the computer and pay bills while I talk or chat...I too easily lose focus and may end up sending the water company $613 instead of $163. I can't be on the phone planning a vacation with MIL and hearing about DS's day at school at the same time even though I have 2 ears...they don't work independently.

There are times the kids will have to wait. There are times DH has to wait. There are times I have to wait for them. There are many more times that DH and the kids have my full attention or when I can juggle multiple things at once. Just as the kids or DH sometimes need 100% of my attention, other things sometimes do as well. Maybe you all are much more focused than I am but I have limits and sometimes have to focus on one or two or six things at a time or nothing will get done or it won't get done right.
I suppose I could just pretend to be paying attention. You know, nod and say 'Uh-huh", maybe repeat back some of what I manage to hear so they think I'm really listening but I'd rather be able to really listen and have them know that when I'm paying attention to them that I'm really paying attention to them even if it isn't on demand all the time and even if I sometimes have to focus my attention elsewhere.




And you know what, there are times when I just want to have a cup of tea and read the paper without interruption and I don't think I should have to apologize for that. If I am talking to an old friend on the phone or writing an e-mail to my mom I don't think what I am doing is so unimportant that everyone can come and interrupt me when it is something that can wait or they can manage themselves. I'll say again that my interests and activities are not less important than the kid's or DH's. It's not OK to assume I can be interrupted any old time. I don't think it's asking too much to expect some common courtesy from my own kids and DH and to just give me a few minutes here and there if I want/need it without expecting me to drop everything. Yes, I'm a mom and my kids are a priority. I'm also a wife and my DH is a priority but that doesn't mean that I come in last place and have to drop everything just because someone says "Hey Mom...." or "Hey Hon....".

Last edited by NCyank; 04-29-2009 at 09:17 PM..
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Old 04-29-2009, 10:36 PM
 
Location: here
24,473 posts, read 28,761,114 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gatitosmommy View Post
you sound like a wonderful parent, & I agree with you 100%!!!!

so with your viewpoint & parenting style in mind, would you tell me what you think the results of the exact-opposite would be-- that is, people who put their infants in daycare & give them virtually no time even in their youngest age?
putting your kids in day care so you can earn a living has nothing to do with how much or how well you communicate with them. And that is off topic for this thread.
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Old 04-29-2009, 10:41 PM
 
Location: I'm around here someplace :)
3,633 posts, read 4,255,557 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rkb0305 View Post
putting your kids in day care so you can earn a living has nothing to do with how much or how well you communicate with them. And that is off topic for this thread.
I was asking the person I was replying to how she thought "do you listen and talk with your kids right then" would differ... that's on topic
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Old 04-29-2009, 10:53 PM
 
Location: Denver area
21,143 posts, read 22,130,514 times
Reputation: 35582
Quote:
Originally Posted by NCyank View Post
Perhaps I am not communicating my thoughts clearly. Yes, I can walk and chew gum at the same time. I can cook dinner and talk with the kids or DH, I can drive and listen to gerbil stories, I can be making breakfast while they pack their lunches and talk about what they have going on that day, DD and I can plant be planting flowers outside and talking about the world, her favorite teacher, something she read in the paper, etc. but there are times when I can't listen/talk and do something else at the same time. The point about sewing up DD's pants was that no, I couldn't hem pants in 6 minutes and chit chat, it was going to take my FULL ATTENTION to finish the pants on time. No, I can't sit on the computer and pay bills while I talk or chat...I too easily lose focus and may end up sending the water company $613 instead of $163. I can't be on the phone planning a vacation with MIL and hearing about DS's day at school at the same time even though I have 2 ears...they don't work independently.

There are times the kids will have to wait. There are times DH has to wait. There are times I have to wait for them. There are many more times that DH and the kids have my full attention or when I can juggle multiple things at once. Just as the kids or DH sometimes need 100% of my attention, other things sometimes do as well. Maybe you all are much more focused than I am but I have limits and sometimes have to focus on one or two or six things at a time or nothing will get done or it won't get done right.
I suppose I could just pretend to be paying attention. You know, nod and say 'Uh-huh", maybe repeat back some of what I manage to hear so they think I'm really listening but I'd rather be able to really listen and have them know that when I'm paying attention to them that I'm really paying attention to them even if it isn't on demand all the time and even if I sometimes have to focus my attention elsewhere.




And you know what, there are times when I just want to have a cup of tea and read the paper without interruption and I don't think I should have to apologize for that. If I am talking to an old friend on the phone or writing an e-mail to my mom I don't think what I am doing is so unimportant that everyone can come and interrupt me when it is something that can wait or they can manage themselves. I'll say again that my interests and activities are not less important than the kid's or DH's. It's not OK to assume I can be interrupted any old time. I don't think it's asking too much to expect some common courtesy from my own kids and DH and to just give me a few minutes here and there if I want/need it without expecting me to drop everything. Yes, I'm a mom and my kids are a priority. I'm also a wife and my DH is a priority but that doesn't mean that I come in last place and have to drop everything just because someone says "Hey Mom...." or "Hey Hon....".
Well put. And honestly, having teenagers, I would say that sometimes, the fact that you are doing something else is somewhat attractive to them. If you are in the middle of doing something, it somehow is less threatening to them - which is why, so many conversations happen in the car. You are somewhat focused on something else, you are less likely to provide eye contact and it seems more casual to them....By this age, they should be well aware that while they are not the center of the universe all the time, they are important. Different kids respond to different situations and we all try to figure out what works best with our own kids.
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Old 04-30-2009, 06:09 AM
 
1,577 posts, read 3,267,957 times
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What about when the kids are talkers, don't have any friends, you're their sole source of socializing, but the topics they choose to talk about are of only limited interest to adults, especially when the conversation is mostly one-sided, lasts a long time, and you're not totally clear or interested in the topic? But at the same time you don't want to hurt their feelings and cut them off or ignore them?

Once in awhile I may get in a word edgewise and ask questions or comment, but usually I just talked at. As such, my mind does wander and I force myself not to let that happen. I have asked him to stop if I'm merging into traffic or on a call, etc. But usually I like to let him feel he can always talk to me about anything. He just needs to learn to let the other person talk, too.
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Old 04-30-2009, 07:05 AM
 
Location: Here... for now
1,747 posts, read 2,620,980 times
Reputation: 1208
I hear you, Jackyfrost. Even though I consider myself a good listener (and have been told so by others), there are times when, as you said, the topic of conversation was of no interest to me whatsoever. I remember when my son was going through his Scooby Do phase. Oy!

I hate to admit this but there were times when he'd prattle on (and on and on and ON) about Scooby and Scrappy and whomever else was in that dreadful series and I'd just zone out, occasionally interjecting an "uh-huh". Thankfully, the Scooby Do phase was very short-lived.

I know you love your child and are thrilled that he is passionate about whatever it is he's talking about (and about his desire to share it with you), but sometimes it's oh, so tough to be engaged in some of those conversations!
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Old 05-01-2009, 10:43 AM
 
1,577 posts, read 3,267,957 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by stormy night View Post
Think of it like this: When a baby starts to babble, the parent should start to listen, and continue forever. The two people any child should ALWAYS know he/she can go to for an ear, is a parent.

I can't even begin to calculate what I have missed, put aside, ignored and lost, just to listen to my children. Every word, because I know that they would develope a habit of saying EVERYTHING to me, and they have, and they, in turn, understand how to listen and how important focused communication is to any relationship.
It also teaches them what others have to say or do is less important than what they want to do or say
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