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you cannot change her. you can change how you react to her. You are the children's mother, you can say.... "you know... juniorette has stayed over two times since junior has seen you, maybe he can come over this time." She may not realize she is displaying favoritism. Did she keep the girl alot while the boy was really little? Was this by your choice (not ready to give up baby) or hers?
I am dealing with favoritism with my DSD over my DSS byt the mother. It does effect them so much. You have to power over how much involvement this woman has in your children's lives. Use it as you feel is necessary. At the same time, teach your daughter to recognize fairness through example. Kids are naturally going to levitate to where they can "get" more (stuff, attenetion, wants).
you cannot change her. you can change how you react to her. You are the children's mother, you can say.... "you know... juniorette has stayed over two times since junior has seen you, maybe he can come over this time." She may not realize she is displaying favoritism. Did she keep the girl alot while the boy was really little? Was this by your choice (not ready to give up baby) or hers?
I am dealing with favoritism with my DSD over my DSS byt the mother. It does effect them so much. You have to power over how much involvement this woman has in your children's lives. Use it as you feel is necessary. At the same time, teach your daughter to recognize fairness through example. Kids are naturally going to levitate to where they can "get" more (stuff, attenetion, wants).
Juniorette, love it.
I would not allow both kids alone with that woman at the same time. Kids take their cues from the adults around them, and since the 3 year old is the clear favorite, she will ape the behavior of the grandmother by treating her brother the same as the grandmother does, unless she is terribly protective of him and isn't afraid of standing up to Grandma. The boy would be ganged up on and wouldn't know what to do. Since the sister enjoys the benefits of being favorite, she would be less likely to jeopardize that by facing the source adversely.
I have two kids. My daughter is almost 3 and my son is 21 months. My in-laws favor my daughter over my son. It is so bad that they refuse to spend time with him. They claim that they cant carry him ( he does walk) and that he is too much for them to handle. They call me quite often and want to take my daughter for the night. I notice little things when they around the kids like them buying things for my daughter and not my son. When we go for a visit on the weekends my kids will be claiming to be hungry ( like all kids do) and my mother in law will feed my daughter and not my son. Recently my daughter was hospitalized with the flu and my MIL kept telling my husband that she was going to come up there and sit with my daughter because I need to come home and take care of my son ( she didnt want to deal with him). My daughter was released the next day and when MIL came to pick us up my son was having a fit and my daughters food tray was sitting on the tray table. MIL could not figure out what was wrong with him and kept telling him she was going to spank him. HE was hungry!! I asked her what he had to eat that day and she said a couple of chips. It was 3 PM and that is all she fed a 21month old! At christmas when my in-laws bought presents for the kids my son got a helmet thingy and a pair of pajamas. My daughter got 6 outfits, 2 pair of pajamas, a barbieback pack thingy and a play house. Needless to say he didnt get all of that because I took it to walmart and exchanged it for equal amounts of gifts for each kid.
I am to a point that if they can't treat them both equally then I am just not going to allow them to spend time with either one.
My mother has always favored my girls over my boys. She also favors my niece over all of my kids. It totally sucks because me kids are getting old enough to realize that they have been slighted. (I won't even go into the differences in how my inlaws treat my kids as opposed to my nephew and niece!) There have been many fights about it and nothing is ever resolved. You can't make someone change the way they feel even if it is completely unfair!
My mother has always favored my girls over my boys. She also favors my niece over all of my kids. It totally sucks because me kids are getting old enough to realize that they have been slighted. (I won't even go into the differences in how my inlaws treat my kids as opposed to my nephew and niece!) There have been many fights about it and nothing is ever resolved. You can't make someone change the way they feel even if it is completely unfair!
My mother and my daughter (15) fight like cats and dogs, and have since my daughter was three years old. It actually started when my daughter was a few months old and wouldn't sit on my mother's lap (she was in that afraid-of-everybody-but-parents stage and my mother almost never saw her). My mother took it personally and things haven't been the same since.
My mother dotes over all the other grandkids, especially the boys, but leaves my daughter out of everything. I NEVER leave the two of them alone.
My daughter has been old enough for a few years now to understand that it is her grandmother's loss, not hers, but it still hurts her a lot.
HE was hungry!! I asked her what he had to eat that day and she said a couple of chips. It was 3 PM and that is all she fed a 21month old!
I am very sorry that you have to deal with this hurtful issue. Family relationships can be so tricky. I would be very careful never to leave my childrean alone with this woman. This is neglect. If she does hurtful and mean things to your son while you are there, who knows what she is doing when no one is watching. A 21 month old can't tell you. Your children come first and if this means limited or supervised visits only...so be it.
A step mom... I wonder if she has issues with men in general? My MIL is like that. She takes it out on her husband and her own son. So far, not on the little boys in the family. I'm sorry you have to deal with this. As others have said, it may never change. You may just have to do what you can to control it on your end.
The fact that she’s not even feeding him is very disturbing. I would never have her watch them again, period. Way too weird.
To let you know that you’re not alone:
My husband’s father bailed when his mother was six months pregnant. He was a big oops, she already had three kids from two failed marriages, the youngest 15 and she was in her late 40’s. She was all alone. The ENTIRE family, except a couple members, wanted nothing to do with him. He was the b***ard. It was very evident when all the family was together and he was the only child shunned. One aunt and uncle would try to make up for it and do little things like slip him cookies when the other kids weren’t around, but even his own grandparents wanted nothing to do with him. Recently, an aunt died…well a blood aunt to the oldest child. The three older kids were in the will. My husband was not even included. When the lawyer was looking for the family, the uncle, who recently had a stroke, could only remember my husband’s name…the b***ard. Nice. You’d say…well he wasn’t blood, but neither were the two middle children.
My mother was also very obvious with my sister. My sister was a golden little princess. My father’s side of the family said I was the Cinderella of the siblings. Now grown, my sister and I both have kids. My mother very much favors my sister’s kids, especially the her first born girl. Financially, we are sitting the best of all her kids so I can see why my siblings might seem more favored now, and I don’t care anymore anyway but that is no reason for the kids to feel it. My daughter has asked…”I think Grandma likes (my niece) the best. Why?” I tell her that is a question she will have to ask her grandmother. I have tried to shelter them from it but now thinking I think it’s a part of life and its better it get it over now.
On the other hand, our daughter had a special place in my MIL’s heart. She looked like her when she was a child and she loved her little curls and sweet demeanor. You would never guess she liked one child over another though and she adored all our kids until her last day.
My mother doesn’t see my kids that often. Once when I was up at her house, busy helping with something so my hands were full, my son, at age two, kept trying to touch her nick nacks. We don’t have any of that stuff in our house so it was all new to him and he lives in a primarily kid environment where everything is ok to touch. After a couple of firm no’s, she yanked him by the arm and swung him around to get him away from it. It was very shocking. I was thinking…”Well you don’t see your grandkids that often…why don’t you play with them or do something to keep them entertained.”
I feel for you. You are in a bad position. As my kids get older, as they see more and more of what their grandmother is like, we plan on letting them choose whether they want to be around her or not. I know you don’t have much choice now and finding help in tough moments might be hard. I know you’ll do what is in the best interest of your children though. Keep us updated. Good luck.
Flik, I think you have a good point about letting the kids figure it out for themselves. My grandma always favored the other 3 grand kids over me and my sister. No one had to point it out. It became obvious, and, as an adult, I am not very close to her for it. I really feel like "what has she ever done for me?" We've had some issues with my MIL that lead me almost to just write her off. But, after thinking it over, I decided I didn't want to be seen as the "mean mom who wouldn't let them see grandma." I decided they would figure it out and come to their own conclusions when they are old enough.
It sounds to me like you need to lay down the law. Be to the point. Treat them equally or dont see them and then you need to make sure that they are doing that.
I wonder what response you would get if you looked at the uneven piles of gifts, and asked the grandparents, "How am I supposed to explain to junior why he only got this many and his sister got this many?" I wonder what explanation they could possibly have?!
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