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Old 04-30-2009, 08:30 AM
 
Location: home
180 posts, read 549,899 times
Reputation: 115

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I have two kids. My daughter is almost 3 and my son is 21 months. My in-laws favor my daughter over my son. It is so bad that they refuse to spend time with him. They claim that they cant carry him ( he does walk) and that he is too much for them to handle. They call me quite often and want to take my daughter for the night. I notice little things when they around the kids like them buying things for my daughter and not my son. When we go for a visit on the weekends my kids will be claiming to be hungry ( like all kids do) and my mother in law will feed my daughter and not my son. Recently my daughter was hospitalized with the flu and my MIL kept telling my husband that she was going to come up there and sit with my daughter because I need to come home and take care of my son ( she didnt want to deal with him). My daughter was released the next day and when MIL came to pick us up my son was having a fit and my daughters food tray was sitting on the tray table. MIL could not figure out what was wrong with him and kept telling him she was going to spank him. HE was hungry!! I asked her what he had to eat that day and she said a couple of chips. It was 3 PM and that is all she fed a 21month old! At christmas when my in-laws bought presents for the kids my son got a helmet thingy and a pair of pajamas. My daughter got 6 outfits, 2 pair of pajamas, a barbieback pack thingy and a play house. Needless to say he didnt get all of that because I took it to walmart and exchanged it for equal amounts of gifts for each kid.
I am to a point that if they can't treat them both equally then I am just not going to allow them to spend time with either one.
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Old 04-30-2009, 08:53 AM
 
Location: here
24,469 posts, read 28,723,874 times
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Did they spend time with your daughter when she was the age your son is now? Some people are intimidated by babies. If all she fed him was chips all day, then maybe she really doesn't know what to do with kids that age. But, if you consider the uneven gift giving, it really does seem that they favor your daughter. Maybe your husband should confront them about this. If your son gets 2 gifts, maybe keep 2 for your daughter and give the rest back, and tell them why. I dread confrontation, so I know I would have a big problem bringing it up. That is a tough one.
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Old 04-30-2009, 09:34 AM
 
Location: home
180 posts, read 549,899 times
Reputation: 115
Quote:
Originally Posted by rkb0305 View Post
Did they spend time with your daughter when she was the age your son is now? Some people are intimidated by babies. If all she fed him was chips all day, then maybe she really doesn't know what to do with kids that age. But, if you consider the uneven gift giving, it really does seem that they favor your daughter. Maybe your husband should confront them about this. If your son gets 2 gifts, maybe keep 2 for your daughter and give the rest back, and tell them why. I dread confrontation, so I know I would have a big problem bringing it up. That is a tough one.
They have always been really interested in my daughter ever since she was born. She is the first girl in the family of all the grandkids. My MIL is my husband step mom and she has two kids of her own. Sometimes I catch her giving my son dirty looks and childish things like that. It really angers me and I have a tendency to speak my mind so avoiding them like the plague is the best thing I feel I can do right now. My husband doesnt like her at all and so I susre dont want him to even mention is because it will cause a major fight between him and his dad.
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Old 04-30-2009, 09:39 AM
 
Location: Land of 10000 Lakes +
5,554 posts, read 5,866,345 times
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I agree with you. This is too hurtful to your son, and it's not good for your daughter to know she is preferred. I would have suggested your talking to them, but my instinct, because of your MIL's immaturity, tells me that it won't do any good.
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Old 04-30-2009, 09:46 AM
 
1,986 posts, read 3,465,565 times
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If it isn't there, it never will be. That's sad, isn't it.

Men usually take their cues from women in family matters. If you or your husband ask his mother what kind of problem she has with your son, she will say she has no problem and she loves him as much as all the other grandkids. You know that's not true.

Since your son was born, have you ever conveyed things like your daughter was so much better at somethings than he? Did he keep you up more? Did he have health problems? Without knowing it, you could have sent the message that your son wasn't up to par with your daughter for some reason early on. Have you ever treated your daughter a little more special than your son? I don't mean this negatively, sometimes parents don't realize what they're doing unless really look at how they relate from day to day with each child.

Maybe your mother in law has some kind of resentment toward boys in general, or maybe she just favors girls. Both my grandmothers were like that; they both favored the boys in the family.

I've seen that happen and it has drastic effects with grandparents' relationships with the grandkids. Parents never like to admit that they don't love their kids all the same, but the fact is, it's impossible to.

I pity the grandparents because they are going to miss out on having the closeness with your son and they don't have the sense to see it. He will pick up on their behavior very soon. It will always hurt him, and when he's older it will reflect on his relationship with his sister.
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Old 04-30-2009, 09:50 AM
 
1,986 posts, read 3,465,565 times
Reputation: 1288
Quote:
Originally Posted by bailey19782000 View Post
They have always been really interested in my daughter ever since she was born. She is the first girl in the family of all the grandkids. My MIL is my husband step mom and she has two kids of her own. Sometimes I catch her giving my son dirty looks and childish things like that. It really angers me and I have a tendency to speak my mind so avoiding them like the plague is the best thing I feel I can do right now. My husband doesnt like her at all and so I susre dont want him to even mention is because it will cause a major fight between him and his dad.
Whoa, that's different then. Does your husband's father favor him over her kids? Maybe she can't take her frustrations out on your husband and the next best thing is your son. He's incapable of fighting back. I'm sure she's quite aware that your husband doesn't like her.
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Old 04-30-2009, 10:07 AM
 
Location: Visitation between Wal-Mart & Home Depot
8,309 posts, read 33,322,966 times
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I don't feel like I'm getting the whole picture and I am perceiving a lot of passive-aggression. Even so, a part of the American culture at one time parented boys and girls very differently. Something to the effect of "make your boys tough and your girls princesses." I wonder if it isn't that simple.
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Old 04-30-2009, 10:45 AM
 
758 posts, read 1,594,562 times
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My MIL is the same way there are 9 grandkids and I can tell you which kids are in which spots. It's a little maddening but she isn't so bad that she will be mean to the other kids or outright treat the favored ones better in front of the other ones. So we basically ignore it.

Are her kids daughters or sons? It could just be like someone else mentioned that she might not know how to deal or what to do for boys, ( not like it's anything difficult or different but some people imagine there is a difference).

As for not spending time with the little one that probably is mostly the age. Mine is 21 mos also and granny will take everyone but him. I don't begrudge her for that because she will when he hits 3 or somewhere in there, and they are a huge handful when you have them all together.

As for the dirty looks I wonder if you are seeing something that isn't there. Not to be rude but when we as parents feel like our child isn't getting the attention they deserve we tend to see all sorts of wrongs being done by the offender, because we are so upset. Just a thought.
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Old 04-30-2009, 11:03 AM
 
2,766 posts, read 8,839,168 times
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Give her a taste of her own medicine and try favoring the OTHER grandparents for awhile or your DH's bio-mom. then see how she feels being the "least" favorite grandparent!!! haha
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Old 04-30-2009, 11:19 AM
 
Location: Oregon
1,532 posts, read 2,289,385 times
Reputation: 6918
I am really sorry you and your son are dealing with this. It is so hard to say their reasons, or thought behind their actions. I would say someone needs to talk to them nonaccusingly, just in case they really didn't realize, which I doubt, but at least that would get it out in the open that the treatment difference is noticed.

Reading your post actually hit a mark with me because I have had the same problem with my son and his grandpa (who is my dh's stepfather). It would break my heart, because my son, who is now almost 12 was definitely old enough to know that he was not liked by his grandpa. It would just make me so mad, because no one should have to have that realization, much less a young boy that did nothing to this man to deserve the treatment he got! I have a daughter, too, and this man loved her to death and would oohh and aahh all over her, and just give my son dirty looks - he was just dowright mean to him. His grandma knew what was going on and tried in her own way to make up for it. I speak of this in past tense, because now the grandpa that is spoken of is in adult foster care and we no longer have to deal with this problem.

I hope the grandparents in your situation can realize what they are doing and make good on it before your son is old enough to fully understand what is going on. It is really sad to hear your child say "My grandpa hates me, and I don't know why".
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