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Old 05-04-2009, 07:33 AM
1,577 posts, read 3,266,979 times
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My grandmother has Alzheimers and doesn't remember anything anymore. She's 3000 miles away and my mother wants my family to come visit her since it would make her so happy to see us.

Thats all great except, she's 95% likely to forget the visit and I hate travelling and dealing with airports, etc.

Maybe this sounds bad, but I really don't wanna go at all, and especially don't wanna go to all that trouble to visit someone that isn't even going to remember me or that I was there.

Is that bad?

I'd rather remember her the way she was, not how she is now.

I feel like I'm going more to make my mother happy then any other reason and thats not right, but if I don't go, I will create a problem in the family.

Am I being selfish and cold? Is it somewhat reasonable? I feel a little guilty and put out at the same time.
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Old 05-04-2009, 08:40 AM
4,218 posts, read 7,854,441 times
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I don't have an advise... it would be your personal decision...

This is a book that sheds a bit of light (sad and funny) on dealing with parents with Alzheimers and dementia:

Amazon.com: Welcome to the Departure Lounge: Adventures in Mothering Mother: Meg Federico: Books
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Old 05-04-2009, 11:55 AM
Location: Dallas TX
14,299 posts, read 20,557,796 times
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I am going through the same thing with my father. It is a horrible disease, but IMO you should go. You may hate every moment of it, but it is the right thing to do.

I just got back from visiting my dad, and I am so happy I did. He looked at me and his face lit up with recognition. The rest of the time I tried to communicate which was very difficult. But that one moment was worth everything.

Go, not only for your mom, but for yourself.
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Old 05-04-2009, 01:06 PM
Location: In the real world!
2,178 posts, read 8,224,866 times
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I suggest you go for YOU, not for her or your mother. I'd be afraid I would always regret not doing it while there is even a slight chance she would remember who I was, even for a moment. You may never get this chance again...
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Old 05-04-2009, 01:31 PM
16,487 posts, read 20,342,651 times
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If your grandmother doesn't remember anything, isn't it very likely she will not remember you when you arrive? If that is the case then it is just a personal decision of yours. If she will not recongnize any of you then it has to be important to you to see her again before she passes, otherwise it is just a situation of family pressure.
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Old 05-04-2009, 03:04 PM
3,191 posts, read 8,038,260 times
Reputation: 2174
IMHO- please go now...who really knows what she 'remembers'...who is to say she does but can't articulate the fact. I for one am not convinced that anyone really knows what is going on in their minds...
YOU will know you made the effort. If you do decide to go, please talk to her as if she IS 'all there', not asleep...share your life with her and talk about your memories with her. Take her a funny card, or a treat.
Blessings to your family during this difficult time.
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Old 05-04-2009, 03:35 PM
Location: Here... for now
1,747 posts, read 2,619,919 times
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Jackyfrost, I feel for you. You're in a tough situation and one that, ultimately only you can resolve. You and your here-and-now family. I don't want this to sound cold and uncaring but you've also got to consider them and how a 3,000 mile trip would impact them, emotionally and financially.

Regarding Alzheimers, it's my understanding that even if the patient won't remember an event, that doesn't mean they don't/won't/can't enjoy it at the moment. My mother has been diagnosed with early-stage and sometimes doesn't remember things she did a week earlier (Yes, we HAVE been to this resturant before), but she enjoyed them as they happened.

To answer your last questions, no, in my opinion, you don't sound cold or selfish. I can understand where you'd feel family pressure. I probably would, too. I wish I could offer better advice.
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Old 05-05-2009, 08:20 AM
1,577 posts, read 3,266,979 times
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Thanks, everyone. Really.

I'll end up going, I'm sure. Both for family politics and to see my gramma one more time and give her some happy for the day.

It really is a financial and personal burden on us. And my sons have medical issues themselves we need the money for. Sometimes family can be a pain as we all know, but I'll do my best to make it happen. If we can't then we just can't and my mother will just have to deal with it.
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