U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
 
Old 05-04-2009, 07:33 AM
 
1,577 posts, read 3,266,979 times
Reputation: 530

Advertisements

My grandmother has Alzheimers and doesn't remember anything anymore. She's 3000 miles away and my mother wants my family to come visit her since it would make her so happy to see us.

Thats all great except, she's 95% likely to forget the visit and I hate travelling and dealing with airports, etc.

Maybe this sounds bad, but I really don't wanna go at all, and especially don't wanna go to all that trouble to visit someone that isn't even going to remember me or that I was there.

Is that bad?

I'd rather remember her the way she was, not how she is now.

I feel like I'm going more to make my mother happy then any other reason and thats not right, but if I don't go, I will create a problem in the family.

Am I being selfish and cold? Is it somewhat reasonable? I feel a little guilty and put out at the same time.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 05-04-2009, 08:40 AM
 
4,218 posts, read 7,854,441 times
Reputation: 4973
I don't have an advise... it would be your personal decision...

This is a book that sheds a bit of light (sad and funny) on dealing with parents with Alzheimers and dementia:

Amazon.com: Welcome to the Departure Lounge: Adventures in Mothering Mother: Meg Federico: Books
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-04-2009, 11:55 AM
 
Location: Dallas TX
14,299 posts, read 20,557,796 times
Reputation: 20175
I am going through the same thing with my father. It is a horrible disease, but IMO you should go. You may hate every moment of it, but it is the right thing to do.

I just got back from visiting my dad, and I am so happy I did. He looked at me and his face lit up with recognition. The rest of the time I tried to communicate which was very difficult. But that one moment was worth everything.

Go, not only for your mom, but for yourself.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-04-2009, 01:06 PM
 
Location: In the real world!
2,178 posts, read 8,224,866 times
Reputation: 2772
I suggest you go for YOU, not for her or your mother. I'd be afraid I would always regret not doing it while there is even a slight chance she would remember who I was, even for a moment. You may never get this chance again...
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-04-2009, 01:31 PM
 
16,487 posts, read 20,342,651 times
Reputation: 16136
If your grandmother doesn't remember anything, isn't it very likely she will not remember you when you arrive? If that is the case then it is just a personal decision of yours. If she will not recongnize any of you then it has to be important to you to see her again before she passes, otherwise it is just a situation of family pressure.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-04-2009, 03:04 PM
 
3,191 posts, read 8,038,260 times
Reputation: 2174
IMHO- please go now...who really knows what she 'remembers'...who is to say she does but can't articulate the fact. I for one am not convinced that anyone really knows what is going on in their minds...
YOU will know you made the effort. If you do decide to go, please talk to her as if she IS 'all there', not asleep...share your life with her and talk about your memories with her. Take her a funny card, or a treat.
Blessings to your family during this difficult time.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-04-2009, 03:35 PM
 
Location: Here... for now
1,747 posts, read 2,619,919 times
Reputation: 1208
Jackyfrost, I feel for you. You're in a tough situation and one that, ultimately only you can resolve. You and your here-and-now family. I don't want this to sound cold and uncaring but you've also got to consider them and how a 3,000 mile trip would impact them, emotionally and financially.

Regarding Alzheimers, it's my understanding that even if the patient won't remember an event, that doesn't mean they don't/won't/can't enjoy it at the moment. My mother has been diagnosed with early-stage and sometimes doesn't remember things she did a week earlier (Yes, we HAVE been to this resturant before), but she enjoyed them as they happened.

To answer your last questions, no, in my opinion, you don't sound cold or selfish. I can understand where you'd feel family pressure. I probably would, too. I wish I could offer better advice.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-05-2009, 08:20 AM
 
1,577 posts, read 3,266,979 times
Reputation: 530
Thanks, everyone. Really.

I'll end up going, I'm sure. Both for family politics and to see my gramma one more time and give her some happy for the day.

It really is a financial and personal burden on us. And my sons have medical issues themselves we need the money for. Sometimes family can be a pain as we all know, but I'll do my best to make it happen. If we can't then we just can't and my mother will just have to deal with it.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2018, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top