U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
 
 
Old 05-05-2009, 03:12 PM
 
Location: northern Virginia
204 posts, read 576,512 times
Reputation: 120

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by aidxen View Post
There have been a couple of threads recently where people are saying hang on its OK to let kids run free. But there are still parents who in my opinion are very protective. They think that they are doing the right thing and maybe they are.

What example have you seen or heard of that are too over protective, too over parented, too pushy. In your opinion.? And what drives it. Again in your opinion.
What's the point of this post? It sounds as if the OP has an issue with what he/she feels are overprotective parents, yet gives no examples of his/her own.
Quick reply to this message

 
Old 05-05-2009, 03:31 PM
 
11,614 posts, read 19,716,271 times
Reputation: 12046
Quote:
Originally Posted by KathyR View Post
What's the point of this post? It sounds as if the OP has an issue with what he/she feels are overprotective parents, yet gives no examples of his/her own.
My son has a friend, a nice boy, with good manners but extremely overprotective parents. He is 15 years old and has NEVER spent a night away from his parents. When he goes to wrestling tournaments his mother packs his food because she doesn't think he can do it himself and she lays out his clothes for him every morning (they wear uniforms).

They are really nice people and the boy is a nice boy but they are just ridiculous with him. Last season one of the tournaments was far away, my husband was out of town and my other kids had plans so I could not make it. When I mentioned it to this boy's mother she asked me if I was going to let my son go to the tournament and I said of course he would just go home with the team (he always goes there with the team). She was floored and insisted that if she or her husband couldn't go to a tournament her son could not go either......WOW.

The boys are supposed to go to wrestling camp in Oregon. He is signed up but my son says that this boy's parents are fighting about it. Apparently she is going to fly to Oregon, stay in a hotel nearby and fly home with him. My son is going with the coach and the rest of the team...
Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-05-2009, 03:50 PM
 
2,466 posts, read 4,202,322 times
Reputation: 1300
Quote:
Originally Posted by Momma_bear View Post
My son has a friend, a nice boy, with good manners but extremely overprotective parents. He is 15 years old and has NEVER spent a night away from his parents. When he goes to wrestling tournaments his mother packs his food because she doesn't think he can do it himself and she lays out his clothes for him every morning (they wear uniforms).

They are really nice people and the boy is a nice boy but they are just ridiculous with him. Last season one of the tournaments was far away, my husband was out of town and my other kids had plans so I could not make it. When I mentioned it to this boy's mother she asked me if I was going to let my son go to the tournament and I said of course he would just go home with the team (he always goes there with the team). She was floored and insisted that if she or her husband couldn't go to a tournament her son could not go either......WOW.

The boys are supposed to go to wrestling camp in Oregon. He is signed up but my son says that this boy's parents are fighting about it. Apparently she is going to fly to Oregon, stay in a hotel nearby and fly home with him. My son is going with the coach and the rest of the team...
Now that is overprotective.

When my oldest daughter (yes daughter) was in wrestling or track through school, I wasn't able to go to most of the tournaments or meets but that didn't stop me from letting her go. She wrestled while she was in jr. high so she was around 11 - 13yo. at the time. She did track while in high school. Before she wrestled in jr. high she wrestled on the USA wrestling team. We usually took her to the tounaments, but only because we enjoyed watching her wrestle and because she usually had no other way to get to them. But there was a few times when we couldn't take her, so we would arrange for another team mate's family to take her and ask if they would video tape her matches for us to watch later.

If we were to have been able to afford for her to go to wrestling or track camps, we would have sent her with the coaches and other team mates.
Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-05-2009, 04:27 PM
 
Location: Australia
1,492 posts, read 2,654,865 times
Reputation: 1693
This has been quite interesting.

I did not give any examples initially because I did not want to bias the discussion into one of people reacting and saying ooh thats terrible etc. By that I mean, I wanted to hear what people here had seen or heard.

And as it turns out, it seems like everyone here is pretty normal.

The sort of thing I see as over protective was the example someone gave in an earlier posting on this thread of their friend insiting that her or her husband go to camp with their child (wrestling camp I think it was).

A couple of examples I have seen or heard of are firstly I read of some mom in the USA who really pushed her daughter to be a cheer leader and had a room decked out with mirrors so the kid could practice every day and when the kid did not make the team she apparantly tried to have some other kid on the team killed.

Closer to home, heard of a parent who makes her children wear a pull up (diaper) when they go out because she will not let them use public restrooms. Her motivation was that there have been attacks in public restrooms and she was fearful that her kids would be attacked. Good motivation. Unusual action I guess.

I have a co worker with a two story house. The bed rooms are up stairs. They have a burgler alarm set in the downstairs section at night. This is in case someone breaks in but it means no sneeking downstairs to watch TV or midnight raiding of the refrigerator.

And I have met several parents who will not let their kids go on sleepovers. Our kids sleepover all the time. If there is a 'slumber party' these parents will turn up at say 10pm and take their kids home.

A similar thing is parents who will not let anyone else drive their child. So if ever the kid has to go someplace, the parent will drive or the kid does not go.

So there are some examples of stuff I have heard or seen.
Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-05-2009, 04:49 PM
 
6,764 posts, read 19,285,586 times
Reputation: 4664
Unless you have walked in someone's shoes as a parent, I don't think you can be judgmental about 'overprotective.'

Parents know their kids. Some kids are still childlike at 15...maybe they DO NOT want to spend a night away from home. Some of us have 'special needs kids' and for you to call me overprotective because I do not let (nor does he want to at this stage) my 11 year walk down the road alone or do a lot of things 'normal' 11 year olds do, is wrong.

I had very overprotective parents (when it came to my sister and myself--my brother got to do whatever he wanted). I was a good kid, honor student, but was not allowed to hang out (even as an older teen). Anything I did outside the home was monitored and censored once I got to my teenage years. (As a kid I went to Catholic school and was allowed to sleep over my friend's house because my parents were in 'awe' of this family and felt they were nice people.) A whole group of us girls used to spend time over there till I stopped being friends with that girl and found different friends.

Back to my teenage years...
My parents felt better knowing I was home (less stress for them). Now, that was overprotective. I know they did what they thought was right (actually it was easier for them to keep my sister and myself home). I know they limited my life a lot (till I went off to college). I was a babyish 18 year old, but deep down very sensible and didn't rebel. However, to this day, I have insecurities because of 'limitations' placed on me.

I know very 'permissive' parents who do not care what their 5 year olds do...I know people with older children who also have little ones and the 5 years olds hang out with their teenage siblings. Okay...but how comfortable would you be with your 5 year old going over their house and being around 15 or 16 year olds?? Or the 16 year old's friends...*who you do not know??*

As far as sleep overs...well, you know, I think people are afraid of 'perverts' or whatever. It may work for you to have sleep overs..(I used to do it all the time as a little kid at my friends' houses) but for other kids, maybe not so much.

In the end, keep an eye on your family and worry not about your neighbor's!

Last edited by GypsySoul22; 05-05-2009 at 04:58 PM..
Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-05-2009, 10:46 PM
 
Location: Australia
1,492 posts, read 2,654,865 times
Reputation: 1693
Hi,

I really do not want to be judgemental. That was why I did not initially give any examples.

Everyone is different and every child is different and we all live in different areas and have different circumstances.

But it is interesting none the less to hear others examples. Call it curiosity. Call it just getting an idea of where I sit on the spectrum. I know some parents would think I am too strict in some ways and too permissive in others.

So I think on a thread like this we should be very careful not to judge.

Thanks, Aiden
Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-06-2009, 05:56 AM
 
11,614 posts, read 19,716,271 times
Reputation: 12046
Quote:
Originally Posted by GypsySoul22 View Post
Unless you have walked in someone's shoes as a parent, I don't think you can be judgmental about 'overprotective.'

I am not being judgmental, but I do have an opinion. There is a big difference. I happen to like this boy's family very much but his mother makes me scratch my head. He is a very level headed young man and I find him a pleasure.

Parents know their kids. Some kids are still childlike at 15...maybe they DO NOT want to spend a night away from home. Some of us have 'special needs kids' and for you to call me overprotective because I do not let (nor does he want to at this stage) my 11 year walk down the road alone or do a lot of things 'normal' 11 year olds do, is wrong.

Some people have special needs kids. But the child I am referring to is not a special needs kid. He is regular 15 year old freshman in high school who DOES want to experience what other kids experience. While not every parent who behaves this way is overprotective, I feel this boy's parents are.

The OP asked for examples. This is an example. My son has another friend who is special needs and his mother does not let him do certain things. I think she acts appropriately for her son (he is 16). It is possible to say that person A is being overprotective but person B is not and to understand the reasons why the same behavior may not be appropriate for some kids.

Back to my teenage years...
My parents felt better knowing I was home (less stress for them). Now, that was overprotective. I know they did what they thought was right (actually it was easier for them to keep my sister and myself home). I know they limited my life a lot (till I went off to college). I was a babyish 18 year old, but deep down very sensible and didn't rebel. However, to this day, I have insecurities because of 'limitations' placed on me.

Here is the real problem. Parents who are over protective (not appropriately protective) for no reason are frequently acting that way for SELFISH reasons. IMO that is wrong. It is a parent's job to see their child through to adulthood with all the skills that child needs to be an adult, NOT to keep them a baby so that Mommy will be needed.

One of the hardest thing to do as a parent is to assess your child's developmental readiness for certain activities. Getting in the car with my 15 year old son and teaching him to drive is difficult for me. I am not quite ready for him to learn to drive, yet he needs to learn to drive.

I think it would be wrong of me to tell him that I won't teach him to drive because I am not ready for that yet. It's fine for a parent to think the CHILD is not ready yet, but holding them back because the PARENT is not ready yet is not fair to the child.


I know very 'permissive' parents who do not care what their 5 year olds do...I know people with older children who also have little ones and the 5 years olds hang out with their teenage siblings. Okay...but how comfortable would you be with your 5 year old going over their house and being around 15 or 16 year olds?? Or the 16 year old's friends...*who you do not know??*

Permissiveness and overprotectiveness are not opposites. Many parents are very permissive (letting their child be completely disrespectful) and overprotective (dragging 12 year old boys into the ladies room) at the same time.

I am not sure why you would limit a 5 year old's friendships because the other child had a teenaged sibling. I would not limit my child's friendships unless I thought the other parents were not supervising the kids when they were playing. Teenagers are not monsters.

As far as sleep overs...well, you know, I think people are afraid of 'perverts' or whatever. It may work for you to have sleep overs..(I used to do it all the time as a little kid at my friends' houses) but for other kids, maybe not so much.

I understand the people may worry about "perverts" but a child needs to learn to be independent from his family. At what age do you let a child sleep away from home? This boy will wind up the laughing stock of the wrestling team if his mother goes to wrestling camp with him. I can understand her unease about letting him fly alone, but the kids are flying in two groups, each group will have a coach, and they will be picked up by the camp and transported to the university in vans. IMO, absent developmental challenges, this is an appropriate "first trip away from mom" type of activity. The boys will be rooming with teamates, NOT with strangers and NOT with adults.

In the end, keep an eye on your family and worry not about your neighbor's!

I don't intend to do anything about it or tell the other mother what I think.

This situation is bothering my son so I do have an opinion on it. I am allowed to have an opinion right?
See my comments in blue.
Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-06-2009, 06:27 AM
 
3,647 posts, read 9,309,275 times
Reputation: 5427
I don't get the problem and why you seem to think this boy will become a laughing stock... the post says his mom will fly back and forth with him and stay in a hotel nearby, not sleep in the room with him and wipe his brow as he sleeps. You may feel that one coach and 20 teen boys is an adequate child/chaperone ratio, but I'm with this mom. And, having been staying in hotels for the past two weeks and seeing how little the chaperones accompanying teen groups do "their job", I can understand her concern. As to the tournament, I wonder which child feels more cared for and thinks their parent has a better interest in them and their playing... the mom who attends every game and tournament or the mom who uses her other kids as an excuse to miss his? My mom NEVER volunteered for anything (for me), but was always "there" for my siblings. I used to ENVY the kids who had parents who showed up for stuff. My kids get upset if there was something at school and I wasn't one of the volunteer parents. Of course, they are smaller.

Then again, when my 17 year old nephew was living with us, he used to constantly comment that he appreciated our care and wished his life had been like my ds's. It didn't work out for him... he eventually felt that I was "getting in the way of his fun" and we told him to get out.

He made his "NOT overprotective parents" grandparents at age 33, has warrants out in 3 states, owes $3500 in debt to court systems, banks, friends, collection agencies, etc.

But his mom used to brag to me that she was a "COOL" mom.

A really "cool" mom... so sad. I'd rather be considered overprotective.

BTW... IMO, calling a burglar alarm system "overprotective" is swinging the pendulum way too far.
Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-06-2009, 06:39 AM
 
6,764 posts, read 19,285,586 times
Reputation: 4664
MamaBear,
We're all entitled to opinions, of course. I was just stating my experiences. Whatever works for you!
Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-06-2009, 08:07 AM
 
3,842 posts, read 9,242,210 times
Reputation: 3177
Momma_Bear "I think it would be wrong of me to tell him that I won't teach him to drive because I am not ready for that yet. It's fine for a parent to think the CHILD is not ready yet, but holding them back because the PARENT is not ready yet is not fair to the child."

SO true! Mine are only toddlers, but am already facing this situation on a smaller level. My 3 1/2yr old has the chance to attend a very good & very popular vacation bible school for a week (3 1/2hrs a day). It's about as super organized & safe as the President coming to visit. But, "I" have figured out every reason in the book why "I" think he should not go....to realize that "I" am the one with the issues (he's never been in an organized school setting away from me is one excuse), not my son And I am projecting those issues onto him. Very unfair.
He goes to that school once a week with me & LOVES it. So, he is very aware of the location & what goes on there. I know he'd be so excited to go but I am afraid to let him go b/c I will not physically be there to control him & the environment!!! So silly. He has some friends going & has asked if he is going. They are aware even if we think they are not.

Sometimes it is very hard to let go of the protection ability b/c it becomes just part of the parenting process.

I have always wondered how parents sleep the first few nights there kids are at college!
Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


 
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:
Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2018, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top