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Old 05-04-2009, 11:14 PM
 
Location: The best little city in the country
267 posts, read 773,319 times
Reputation: 362

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UGH! I am soooo frustrated this week. I am looking for some ideas on how to carefully broach this topic with my oldest son.

My oldest son is 14 years old. He was not quite 2 years old when I married my soon to be ex husband. My ex is the only father this child has ever known.

When the divorce started, my ex was adamant, he wanted to be involved in all the kids lives, he didn't want the oldest excluded in any way. The oldest was never adopted by him, so there was some special language written in about me retaining the sole physical and legal custody I was granted (as opposed to bio-dad) and excluding ex from having to pay child support based on him, but he was still included in the visitation agreement, and all other aspects of the custody arrangements.

Now, divorce is still not final, and ex has decided to use the "*******" technique to get what he wants. He called at 11:30 at night on Saturday, and said he only wants "his" kids - he isn't filling in as a free babysitter anymore for me?!? He will ONLY take my oldest son, IF I agree to the terms he wants in the divorce - basically, that he pay no child support for any of the kids, and that I be required to shuttle them back and forth to all their events, drop them at his house, pick them up from his house, and pay all healthcare costs, PLUS that he get to keep all the money in his retirement account (which was the only one we funded for the 12 years we were married, while we paid the bills out of my paycheck)

Whatever - the divorce will work itself out. I'm HOPING that ex will freakin wake up and realize what he's doing to this boy who absolutely loves him. He and his family have said all along that they felt like my oldest was no different than the other kids - I can't believe he would risk this child's emotional well being just to try and strong arm a divorce settlement to turn out in his favor.

What I really need advice on is this - tomorrow is the 1st day that my oldest should have been going to his dad with his brother and sister, and won't be allowed to go. I lightly breeched the subject with him - told him that he might need to stay at my house tomorrow night, cuz we had a lot to take care of - totally basically lied about what had happened to protect him from his dad's a**holeness. But, once tomorrow comes and goes, if my ex hasn't changed his mind by the weekend, what is the appropriate thing to say/explain in this situation. I am really trying to take the high road here, but anything I can come up with is either a lie, or sounds very accusatory towards the ex. I don't need my kids any more divided and confused than they already are!! Anyone found a good way to deal with this?
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Old 05-04-2009, 11:26 PM
 
6,455 posts, read 9,504,080 times
Reputation: 10764
He's old enough to tell him this guy is being a jerk. If/when the time comes, tell your son that you made a mistake in choosing the man you married. Divorces can get ugly, and this one is about to. Tell him that your soon to be ex is using him as a pawn to get to you, and that you're sorry he'll have to endure his stepdad's crappy behavior. Ex is being an a$$, and that he did nothing to deserve being treated this way. Then remind him you made the mistake of marrying someone like that, and apologize for it.

And when "his" kids ask why he's not going with them, tell them.

Then don't date until all your kids are grown.
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Old 05-04-2009, 11:37 PM
 
13,496 posts, read 13,971,597 times
Reputation: 11119
perhaps you should not let your ex see any of the children. I would tell your son that your ex is trying to use him as a pawn so you will give up your rights. all you can do is be honest an let him know that you love him. good luck what a terrible thing for your family
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Old 05-04-2009, 11:44 PM
 
Location: Rocket City, U.S.A.
1,806 posts, read 4,993,535 times
Reputation: 843
Tell the EX you will not allow him to use the children as pawns. They are not leverage.

If he does not relent, be truthful, but not hateful, when explaining the circumstances of your divorce proceedings to your son. However much or little. 14 is old enough to process the information. Stick to the facts. Do not introduce opinion. Do not go off...
It does not mean he will deal with it maturely....understand that he will react with anger and sadness. Be there, be solid. Assure him that you have a desire to work this out.

I know that most everyone else here will disagree with me, but I see no favor in shielding your boy from the reality of a man who would turn against him so coldly and for such a callous reason. What manner of "father" owns and disowns based on financial gain or emotional whim? As if this will be the only time such a personal game will be played?

The argument could be, must protect the boy from it...but if this is the truth of it, your son deserves to be informed, gently, so that he can begin to protect himself. To withhold the truth entirely...seems terribly wrong to me.

I am so sorry. This sort of grief is so unnecessary.
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Old 05-04-2009, 11:52 PM
 
Location: Rocket City, U.S.A.
1,806 posts, read 4,993,535 times
Reputation: 843
BTW - what's the story with the rest of EX's family? Grandparents? Are they going to be involved with your oldest son if things disintegrate between you and F.H.? Will they disregard his mandate and continue to behave as kin? Do they know the deal? Please do not try to manipulate through them, but I think you need to find out who you still have over there, for the sake of your children.
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Old 05-05-2009, 02:28 AM
 
Location: uk
35 posts, read 86,137 times
Reputation: 38
be grateful he's heading out of your life and with behaviour like this won't be in your children's lives for long......his bio kids will find it hard to respect him as they get older.
lack of empathy/compassion.................now, what personality type does that remind me of.............oh yes..psychopath.
thank god they have you............you sound like a lovely mum.
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Old 05-05-2009, 05:56 AM
 
3,647 posts, read 9,307,282 times
Reputation: 5427
Tell the ex to send it to you in writing and you'll do it... then call your attorney to submit it. This is called "Blackmail".

If the papers state he is supposed to pick up ALL the children, but he only picks up his bio-kids, then you should let the judge know that too. Depending on the judge, this could go VERY bad for your ex.

Call your attorney before taking my (or anyone else in this thread's) advice tho. They may have an even better solution that may end up without your oldest being scarred by a man that should never have been allowed around children in the first place.
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Old 05-05-2009, 07:58 AM
 
Location: Orange County, California
1,017 posts, read 2,640,890 times
Reputation: 468
Haul his arse into court. If he's on the visitation, then he can't pick and choose the kids. If he's going to continue his crap, just fight him on everything. He's holding you hostage, and there's no way you're going to lose what's rightfully yours and that you need to raise the kids.
Tell your son the truth. It hurts, but that's life. Then take yourself and all the kids to family counseling.
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Old 05-05-2009, 09:08 AM
 
Location: New Jersey
985 posts, read 2,550,556 times
Reputation: 812
Its a shame what we do to our kids with divorce and re-marriage...all so that the adult can be" happy". Maybe if kids come first and adults second...we would not have to drag our kids thru counseling. Very sad..I pray everything works out ok for your boy.
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Old 05-05-2009, 09:16 AM
 
Location: Orange County, California
1,017 posts, read 2,640,890 times
Reputation: 468
Quote:
Originally Posted by milliebfit View Post
Its a shame what we do to our kids with divorce and re-marriage...all so that the adult can be" happy". Maybe if kids come first and adults second...we would not have to drag our kids thru counseling. Very sad..I pray everything works out ok for your boy.
Oh brother... Why don't you go ahead and add your judgmental self to that prayer of yours?
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