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Old 05-12-2009, 05:05 PM
 
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some kids are people pleasers and easy to raise others are more independent and not so easy. try to pick your battles to the things that are important. you maybe nitpicking, it is an easy trap to fall into when you parent. just try to be fair and show him a lot of love it is the best you can do
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Old 05-12-2009, 08:13 PM
 
Location: Texas
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Maybe So View Post
You may ask your son what the word "annoying" means. Sometimes my six year old will say things to me and I don't think he fully understands the meaning of the words. I am not just talking about times when he is being sassy. Kids are like sponges at this age and pick up on so much. He may be exploring his words and may understand a bit of how to use words in a certain context but not fully understand the meaning. He may be picking up things..for example.....a parent may say "please go to your room if you are going to be annoying" or something like that.

That said...you may try "time outs" for this behavior or create some sort of reward chart for each day he goes with good behavior. If you use a chart...spin it positive...like..if you have good behavior for five days in a row than you will be able to do ____ or buy ____. Then change it to...if you have good behavior for seven days etc. etc.

Good luck. I feel your pain.
Yes, in one of his parenting books, James Dobson recommended an "attitude chart" much like MaybeSo is describing above. At the end of the day, parent would assess attitude and give it some kind of thumbs up or thumbs down. The reason for this is that you can punish outright disobedience but sometimes it's harder to get a grip on something a little less tangible like an "attitude"...which can clearly be disrespectful.
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Old 05-12-2009, 08:28 PM
NCN
 
Location: NC/SC Border Patrol
21,136 posts, read 21,143,346 times
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A six year old that says that sounds like a very intelligent child that is just about to go astray. I think the best thing here is to reason with the child. The Bible says, "Honor thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the Lord thy God giveth thee." Ex.20:12

You may want to show him this verse and explain that to show honor to ones parents has a promise, but to not honor you could have different consequences. I would never have dared to talk to either of my parents in that way. I was too fond of sitting without pain.
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Old 05-12-2009, 08:35 PM
 
Location: Right where I want to be.
4,507 posts, read 7,829,798 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Digital_Duck View Post
Perhaps you need to demonstrate an annoyance one after noon and remind him of how he thought you were an annoyance and that making lunch was an annoyance too ... and don't make it!

If you let it go - they got away with it - then when they get older and find out that the annoying boss won't tolerate it.

It's important to have him understand that many things are annoying - like me if I were your cash customer. Its the time to explain degree's of tolerance.

Good Luck
I tend to lean more this way. Perhaps after school he should spend the evening in his room so you don't annoy him further. He should eat dinner alone at the table so no one annoys him. Sometimes giving kids what they think they want will help them realize that their feelings are sometimes inappropriate and certainly don't need to be vocalized. Often demonstrations will work where words fail.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Marlow View Post

Being annoyed is not a right. It's just something that happens. Being honest and letting someone know that their behavior is annoying is not a bad thing, but a child needs to learn how to speak appropriately to a parent.
I can agree with this.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Marlow View Post
I tell my daughter all the time that she can say whatever she wants to me, or a teacher, as long as she says it in her head. She understands what I mean. For the most part, she is very respectful and when she's not, I tell her to stop, and if it persists, I send her to her room.
See, now you are losing me. Saying something hateful or hurtful in your head is no better than saying it verbally except you don't hurt the other persons feelings. Hearing yourself say such things is like poison and can cause a chain of negative thoughts difficult to overcome.


Quote:
Originally Posted by sandycat
To suggest that a child has no right to his feelings is just stupid IMO and all it teaches kids is to bottle up feelings, become aggressive, have low self esteem etc.
Of course kids have a right to their feelings but that doesn't mean their feelings are appropriate. 'Feelings' are powerful and often WRONG so they shouldn't be your guide in life. I'm not going to validate inappropriate feelings but I will help teach and guide the kids in managing their out of place emotions and replacing them with healthy and appropriate emotions. It's part of becoming an adult who can think and respond in proper emotional context rather than only feel and react without thinking. Respond vs React......There's a difference.
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Old 05-12-2009, 08:50 PM
 
Location: Land of 10000 Lakes +
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hoosier View Post
Thanks for the responses. It was tough to hear because I was joking around and evidently he'd had enough. Still not appropriate and not sure if I should talk to him about it after school or leave it be. I'm a parent who believes in disciplining a child. It's the one way they'll learn right from wrong. I love my son more than words can express and I'm just going on fumes right now because this incident is one in a long line that is simply draining me and my wife. Our 10 year old daughter is seeing how drained we are and has commented how demanding her brother can be. He wants our attention 24/7 and trys to take the attention away from his sister. It's not fair to her and we're trying to balance, but we're just at a loss.
It's best to address it right away at the age he is now and not later. He may not even remember why he said it.
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Old 05-12-2009, 09:01 PM
 
Location: Land of 10000 Lakes +
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NCyank View Post
I tend to lean more this way. Perhaps after school he should spend the evening in his room so you don't annoy him further. He should eat dinner alone at the table so no one annoys him. Sometimes giving kids what they think they want will help them realize that their feelings are sometimes inappropriate and certainly don't need to be vocalized. Often demonstrations will work where words fail.

I can agree with this.

That's way too harsh in that he is paying a price hours later for something he did that he may not even recall. There needs to be some sort of discussion with him. That is the way he is taught.


See, now you are losing me. Saying something hateful or hurtful in your head is no better than saying it verbally except you don't hurt the other persons feelings. Hearing yourself say such things is like poison and can cause a chain of negative thoughts difficult to overcome.

This is not realistic. Everyone of us thinks something but we control what goes from the brain to the mouth.

Of course kids have a right to their feelings but that doesn't mean their feelings are appropriate. 'Feelings' are powerful and often WRONG so they shouldn't be your guide in life. I'm not going to validate inappropriate feelings but I will help teach and guide the kids in managing their out of place emotions and replacing them with healthy and appropriate emotions. It's part of becoming an adult who can think and respond in proper emotional context rather than only feel and react without thinking. Respond vs React......There's a difference.
Feelings are feelings - they are not inappropriate, but how they are expressed may be inappropriate. There is no right or wrong in feelings. It's all how you handle those feelings. That has to be taught - first by role modeling, but also through conversation.
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Old 05-12-2009, 09:03 PM
 
Location: 60630
11,644 posts, read 17,061,981 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by saturdayskids View Post
Jeeze, spellcheck.


Also, if you are annoying him but he's TELLING you that, you need to do a better job Good luck, man

Before you jump on a persons English, take a look at your own...
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Old 05-13-2009, 04:30 AM
 
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mho, but I think your expecting too much out of a 6-year old.

Your wanting a much more mature reaction than he's capable of right now.
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Old 05-13-2009, 06:55 AM
 
Location: Right where I want to be.
4,507 posts, read 7,829,798 times
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Quote:
That's way too harsh in that he is paying a price hours later for something he did that he may not even recall. There needs to be some sort of discussion with him. That is the way he is taught.
He's 6, he'll remember that he said his dad was annoying, twice. The conversation comes AFTER he spends some time alone (not being annoyed by anyone) and can put his words into better context and understand how hurtful they were.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Aylalou View Post
Feelings are feelings - they are not inappropriate, but how they are expressed may be inappropriate. There is no right or wrong in feelings. It's all how you handle those feelings. That has to be taught - first by role modeling, but also through conversation.
Of course feelings can be inappropriate. You never heard of someone overreacting or being jealous for no good reason or someone who gets angry at the drop of a hat or ever heard of PMS and how it can send some women on an emotional roller coaster?

Here's an example, I spoke to a friend one day and she was frustrated and angry with her DH. She got a call from a utility company and he had neglected to pay the bill....one more thing she had to take care of herself that day when she was already overwhelmed. Why couldn't he be more responsible? How hard is it to pay the bill on time? Does she have to do everything? She was having some very strong feelings about him, anger, disappointment, resentment. Later she found out that he didn't pay the bill because she had collected the mail and stuffed it in her purse. That bill lay at the bottom of her bag, unpaid and when the phone call came she reacted with strong emotions blaming her DH and becoming angry with him. She was wrong, her emotions were wrong. She reacted based on bad information. If she had taken 10 minutes to call him and talk to him (instead of ranting to me) she would have figured it out.

That's what I mean when I say there is a difference between responding and reacting. People who are emotionally driven often react rather than respond. Sometimes those reactions will be wrong because the emotions behind them are wrong. Emotions can be wrong but they can also be controlled/managed to some extent (and should be). Children should be taught to evaluate/manage their feelings instead of reacting to each one.


Back to OP, so his son was annoyed. Maybe rightfully so but maybe he was just impatient or didn't like what his dad was telling him....that doesn't mean the dad was being annoying and that his feelings are right. Yes, we may feel annoyed with someone but if the real problem is that we are in a hurry or being impatient then being annoyed would be the wrong emotion in that situation. It would be much better to accept the fact that we are being impatient...slow down, take some time to process and consider the intent of the other person. Chances are you will come to realize that feeling annoyed is not the appropriate feeling to have with the circumstance.

But hey, that's me. I'm not a person driven by emotions. I don't like emotions to control me, I'd rather control them. I'll just add that by helping our kids realize the same (that emotions can be wrong and should be controlled/managed) that we have very little of the 'normal' teenage drama around this house. That's not to say we lack emotions, but we try to respond rather than react.

Last edited by NCyank; 05-13-2009 at 07:10 AM.. Reason: typo
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Old 05-13-2009, 09:10 AM
 
3,842 posts, read 9,246,289 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Aylalou View Post
Feelings are feelings - they are not inappropriate, but how they are expressed may be inappropriate. There is no right or wrong in feelings. It's all how you handle those feelings. That has to be taught - first by role modeling, but also through conversation.
And that is why parents have to be so hands on with their children; especially with what is on tv & heard at school.

There are many seasons of parenting.

And some seasons, parenting needs to be at the forefront.
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