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Old 05-13-2009, 04:54 PM
1,121 posts, read 3,109,314 times
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Originally Posted by wyoquilter View Post
I am a MIL and I am a grandparent. My DH and I love our daughter very much, but we are not interfering or disrespectful In-laws. There are times when we don't always agree with my daughter and son's parenting style but we never contradict their rules in front of their child. We offer advice when they ask and keep our mouth shut when they don't. The only time we interfere is if we see that our grand daughter is doing something that could be harmful and our daughter and SIL are not paying attention. We also acknowlege our SIL as a member of our family and not some outcast that my daughter drug home. We are happy that our daughter found someone who loves her as much as we do and makes her happy.
Congratulations and God bless you, you are a dream MIL. Unfortunately many MIL are not as kind and giving as you are. My own mother offered to pay my husband money if he would leave me and divorce me. It wasn't because she was rich. She had hardly any money. It was because my father had died 2 months after our marriage and she was jealous of my happiness.That jealousy had a long history with us. Fortunately, my husband paid no attention. It didn't take him long to figure her out. I was proud of him that he did it entirely on his own.
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Old 05-13-2009, 06:06 PM
363 posts, read 1,005,651 times
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You did the right thing by asking your children to give up their seats for the older attendees. It sounds like you and your husband have a united front and that is so important in dealing with family issues. Has it gotten so bad that you would consider moving? Just curious on how far she has pushed you and your husband. Ugh..I feel your pain. I am so sorry that you have to deal with this.

Someone mentioned that it was the way MILs are...why does it have to be that way? I have a pretty wide social network and in-law issues are a frequent topic of conversations. And usually not in a good way. I know two people that enjoy and get along with their MILs. The remainder have issues with their MIL or both their MIL and FIL.
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Old 05-13-2009, 07:18 PM
Location: Dallas TX
14,378 posts, read 20,674,991 times
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You did the right thing, and handled it with grace and aplomb!
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Old 05-13-2009, 08:20 PM
Location: NE Oklahoma
1,036 posts, read 2,587,055 times
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I would have done the same thing about asking my daughters to move. I can't say I would have handled MIL as nicely. After asking nice ONCE I have been known to look at someone one and quite frankly remark "I don't remember asking your opinion." Then either walk away or find something to get really busy with. There are some people (like my mother) who act like this and there is NOTHING you can do to change them or their attitudes. About every 6 months we have to have a big blow up and I have to put my foot down where I want it. Then she will back off for awhile..briefly. Before long she is right back offering opinions and "helping" like nothing ever happened.
Good Luck hon..Stick by your guns.
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Old 05-13-2009, 11:54 PM
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I think you did a great job in both respects (having your daughters move and your comment to your MIL). I think it was doubly hard because it was in a very public space and one that you could not just walk away from!

I really loved Granny's suggested responses for the future! And I'm sorry to say, but your MIL makes mine look like a Pollyanna! (Really, I am overall lucky--we get along well and she doesn't really undermind me most of the time...she just has some, ah, quirks, that I have to learn to live with.)
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Old 05-14-2009, 01:59 AM
5,949 posts, read 12,763,339 times
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Originally Posted by crazyme4878 View Post
I think you did a great job in both respects (having your daughters move and your comment to your MIL). I think it was doubly hard because it was in a very public space and one that you could not just walk away from!
I agree! I wouldn't worry about your MIL. You were setting a good example - showing compassion for others, especially the elderly. You don't see enough of that these days! When you see an opportunity where you can teach a child to think about someone else and do something kind and helpful for them, you really must act on it - like you did!

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Old 05-14-2009, 02:18 AM
2,466 posts, read 4,213,101 times
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Thank-you all so much for your kind words and great advice. I'm glad to hear that others would have done the same thing. It seems that it is a lost art of putting others before oneself as a lot of parents are raising "me first" children. You don't even see boy scouts helping the little old lady across the street much anymore.

My Dh and I are really trying our best to raise respectable, respectful, and responsible children. We have been teaching them to help out their fellow man and not expect anything in return for it, for the act of just being kind is reward enough. We are also teaching them to go above and beyond like at a job, when they see something that needs to be done and they have the time and the ability to do it, then do it, whether it is in their job discription or not. Being concious and hard workers as well has a person with compassion can get a person far in life.

I just get so tired of the interference from the MIL. You know I have heard a lot of other people who do not get along well with their ILs especially the MIL, it always seems that it is the Husband's mother who is the worst, but yet all of the horrible jokes are about the Wife's mother.
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Old 05-14-2009, 02:25 AM
Location: uk
35 posts, read 86,483 times
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although i haven't had this problem with inlaws,it does remind me of how my mother use to talk to me.i put up with it until i was 40,as i didn't want to be rude,until i realised she would always have a problem seeing me as a competant adult........so now,if i think she's being unreasonable,i don't answer her comment ,just change the subject to how her diet's going(she's very overweight).i was surprised how quickly she started thinking before she spoke to me and surprisingly, we get on much better now.
noone's perfect,find their weak spot and exploit it!!!!!!!!!
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Old 05-14-2009, 03:07 AM
1,121 posts, read 3,109,314 times
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dear wyoquilter
always remember and be greatful that your MIL gave birth to your husband. Without her, who would you be living with now?
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Old 05-14-2009, 06:11 AM
Location: San Antonio, Texas
1,692 posts, read 3,348,729 times
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I also agree that you did the correct thing with your children. Knowing how to show respect and care for others is a great lesson for your children. I was taught to do the same thing. Good for you and even better for your kids since they did as you asked them to and not as the MIL.
My mouth is sarcastic and very blunt. I would have said something to the MIL like "you mean you would want your grandkids to learn how to be selfish and disrespect seniors?" but that is me.
I can understand your problem with the MIL being too close and intertwining within the family. I was always taught you never call anyone between the hours of 9pm to 9am. If you want to stop those phone call let her know that she is right about needing rest and poper sleep and to honor that you ( both you and DH) have decided to limit calling hours. Set your time as needed and stick to it.
The real big thing is that what ever you and DH decide about MIL he needs to be the one to talk to her about her actions and how they disrupt your family life. Set aside a certain day maybe once a week or every other week to spend time with her or allow the kiddos to have time with her.
Look at her life see if she has other events, friends, hobbies etc. if not help her find some. She might just be focusing on your family because you are close, its easier and well... she misses the family lifestyle esp if she lives alone.
take a step back look at the whole picture, make a general list of good points and bad points. You might just find out that just a couple or small changes in lifestyle or how you deal with her can make a big differnce in de-MIL-stressing your family's life.
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