U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
 
 
Old 05-13-2009, 10:05 AM
 
2,466 posts, read 4,207,252 times
Reputation: 1300

Advertisements

This past few days have been very busy for my family, this past weekend especially so I haven't had a chance until now to post this question?

This past Sat. my oldest graduated from College. The ceremony was held outdoors in slightly cool and inclemant weather. There wasn't tons of seating provided. There were a few bleachers and some chairs set up but not nearly enough for all of the folks who came to watch their family or friends graduate so a lot of folks had to stand.

My family arrived early enough to get seats, but I noticed that several of the folks who came shortly before the ceremony started were elderly and all of the seats were taken up by those of us who did get there earlier. My three younger girls were sitting on the bleachers with us. I asked if they would please go and sit on the ground in front of the bleachers so that someone much older could use their seats. I happened to have a blanket that they could sit on so they didn't have to sit directly on the grass. There were quite a few other folks sitting on the ground as well. I would have joined them myself, but I had to help hold onto the grandbaby and if I would have sat down on the ground with my girls she would have wanted to sit with us, but she wouldn't have stayed put and would have been running up to my oldest who was graduating and causing a stir.

Well my mother-in-law was sitting with us and she was not pleased with me about asking my girls to sit on the ground and give up their seats so some elderly persons could sit. She started telling my girls as they got up to go sit on the ground that they didn't have to and that they should go ahead and sit back down on the bleachers. I went ahead and told my girls to go sit on the ground anyways and I as nicely as I could told my MIL that my DH and I were trying to teach our kids, common courteousy and human kindness and that giving up thier seats so that some little old lady or gentleman could sit was the right thing to do. It didn't seem to phase her one bit and she continued to make comments about it. I just ignored her and took pictures and watched and listened to the speakers and the graduates as they got their degrees. My DH unfortunately wasn't able to attend the ceremony which if he had my MIL may not have made such a fuss. But she doesn't really like me all that well so I get most of her crap.

The two things that upset me the most about my MIL's attitude was, she is always making us (me especially) feel like we are not raising our children right, it's always a danged if we do and danged if we don't with her. Also she would have been the first one to be upset if she had to stand because no-one would give up their seat for her. She would have commented on the rudeness and the lack of respect and courteousy that kids have today and that parents aren't teaching their kids those things. But as soon as I do something to teach my kids how not to be rude she balks me on it.

What would you have done? Would you have had your children give up their seat so that an older person could sit? What would you have said to someone like my MIL?
Quick reply to this message

 
Old 05-13-2009, 10:27 AM
 
758 posts, read 1,597,439 times
Reputation: 952
I think you handled it the way a mature person should have. Absolutely the kids should give up their seats for the elderly. It seems as if your MIL will just say the opposite of what you say to get a rise out of you. Good job for not playing into it. Do you have limited contact with her? I think I would if she is constantly doing things like this. Is your DH any help when it comes to how she deals with you? I know you said he wasn't there but it seems like he could say "either be respectful of my wife or we will not be spending much time with you".
Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-13-2009, 10:46 AM
 
2,466 posts, read 4,207,252 times
Reputation: 1300
Quote:
Originally Posted by skahar View Post
I think you handled it the way a mature person should have. Absolutely the kids should give up their seats for the elderly. It seems as if your MIL will just say the opposite of what you say to get a rise out of you. Good job for not playing into it. Do you have limited contact with her? I think I would if she is constantly doing things like this. Is your DH any help when it comes to how she deals with you? I know you said he wasn't there but it seems like he could say "either be respectful of my wife or we will not be spending much time with you".
We have tons of contact with her. I wish we didn't have so much, but we only live about a mile or so away from her and she is always popping in on us at some of the most inconveniant times. (Which we have tried over and over to explain to her that popping in on us all the time is rude and we have asked her to please call ahead) My DH has and does stand up for me and to her, but it doesn't seem to help a whole lot. She will back off for a while, but then she starts back up again. I've even had to put my foot down hard on her a time or two and had the backing of my DH and it has helped some. We have threatened to limit her contact with her grandchildren so she is better than she used to be, she is a little more pleasant to me than she was when DH and I first got together. But she still has her moments and like I said those moments usually happen when DH isn't around to hear or see. We have limited the amount of alone time she gets with the children, because that was causing a lot of confliction with the kids, so now she mainly sees them when one of us or both are around.
Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-13-2009, 10:54 AM
 
758 posts, read 1,597,439 times
Reputation: 952
That's a tough situation. I think I might pull one of the Everyone Loves Raymond tricks when she pops by unexpectedly! Maybe she'll get the hint.

Here's a link if you never watched the show!


YouTube - Everybody Loves Raymond Season 2 Intro
Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-13-2009, 11:22 AM
 
2,466 posts, read 4,207,252 times
Reputation: 1300
Quote:
Originally Posted by skahar View Post
That's a tough situation. I think I might pull one of the Everyone Loves Raymond tricks when she pops by unexpectedly! Maybe she'll get the hint.

Here's a link if you never watched the show!


YouTube - Everybody Loves Raymond Season 2 Intro
I love Everybody Loves Raymond, I hadn't seen that episode though. Thanks for the link.

There have been a few times we have thought about moving our car and parking it out of sight, locking the doors and send everyone downstairs so when she pops by she'll think we are gone. I may have to encourage my DH to stop thinking about it and just do it. But the popping in part is not the only problem, she'll also call and want to visit for an hour or longer at 10:00 at night. She knows we would be home by then and so not answering the phone would cause her worry and she would be up checking in on us.

The sad part about her calling us so late, which she will still do even after she has popped in and visited for several hours earlier in the day/evening, is she does keep us on the phone for quite a while. Then she'll make comments to me about how tired my DH is and he's not getting enough sleep and makes inuindos (sp?) that I'm the one not letting him get his rest. She resents the fact that I am a SAHM and she feels I'm lazy and that my poor DH has to work his fingers to the bone so our kids can be provided for and all of that hard work is just tiring him out. It's all my fault that my DH has to work so hard because I'm so lazy. Then when I have worked she is upset by the fact the kids are in daycare. I tell you it's a no win situation with her.
Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-13-2009, 11:32 AM
 
1,121 posts, read 3,104,056 times
Reputation: 1122
Your husband loves you because of who you are. He loves his mother because of who he is. Don't worry about her complaints, that is all part of being a mother in law. She will probably go home and tell her friends how wonderful her grandchildren were to sit on the ground so seniors could take a seat. However, you will never get credit for it. That's just the way it is. Always treat her with respect. Even if she loves you, she will never be able to admit it because you are the woman her son loves more than her. You will find out when your daughters marry.
Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-13-2009, 11:38 AM
 
Location: Orlando
8,181 posts, read 16,177,468 times
Reputation: 49740
Wow...am I so glad my MIL lives on the other side of town.

You did to the right thing by having your kids give up their seats. My mouth dropped open when you started about your MIL.

Not that this is an excuse but it your husband a only child? Or the oldest? Mine is the oldest and his mother is big on the birth-order thing. You would think they were royalty or something.

I think you've earned the right to do this.....

Next time she starts in on you say something to the effect of:

"I'm sorry you think so little of me. But I've decided not to listen to you when you disrespect me any longer."

Then turn around and walk away. Walk away every time she starts. It may take some time and some very bruised feelings on your part but it should cure her.

This goes back to people treat you the way you allow them to. My MIL finally stopped when I turned to her years ago and said...one of these days I'm going to shock the crap out of you and do something you like. I then turned around and walked away. I never allowed her comments again. I'm now her favorite DIL(not that that's a great honor lol)

Good luck!

Last edited by Granny Sue; 05-13-2009 at 11:39 AM.. Reason: brain got ahead of fingers
Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-13-2009, 03:56 PM
 
3,422 posts, read 9,450,320 times
Reputation: 1957
I think you did the right thing by having the kids move. I am not the person to go to for advice on how to get along with the inlaws so I will not comment on that part.
Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-13-2009, 03:58 PM
 
2,466 posts, read 4,207,252 times
Reputation: 1300
Quote:
Originally Posted by Granny Sue View Post
Wow...am I so glad my MIL lives on the other side of town.

You did to the right thing by having your kids give up their seats. My mouth dropped open when you started about your MIL.

Not that this is an excuse but it your husband a only child? Or the oldest? Mine is the oldest and his mother is big on the birth-order thing. You would think they were royalty or something.

I think you've earned the right to do this.....

Next time she starts in on you say something to the effect of:

"I'm sorry you think so little of me. But I've decided not to listen to you when you disrespect me any longer."

Then turn around and walk away. Walk away every time she starts. It may take some time and some very bruised feelings on your part but it should cure her.

This goes back to people treat you the way you allow them to. My MIL finally stopped when I turned to her years ago and said...one of these days I'm going to shock the crap out of you and do something you like. I then turned around and walked away. I never allowed her comments again. I'm now her favorite DIL(not that that's a great honor lol)

Good luck!
My DH is the youngest of two. His older brother is by far her favorite and he and his wife can do no wrong. (our SIL was a school teacher like my MIL was which is mostly why she favors her) However, her favorite son and DIL don't hardly do a darn thing for her so everything falls to my DH and I. We have no problem doing things for her, but it's not acknowleged in the same fashion as when her oldest finally does something for her. You would think he hung the moon.

My DH and I in some ways would be considered over protective parents, but my BIL and SIL really take the cake when it comes to being over protective and anal about everything. Even though I know that some of the things they do not allow their children to do or the things they let them do bothers my MIL, she won't interfere or condradict their parenting in any way. I know that she is bothered by some things because she will comment about it once she is away from earshot of my BIL and SIL.

Thank-you for the great advice. I have stood up to her a time or two in the past, now I just try and ignore her. I really do not like putting DH in the middle because I know he does love his mother despite everything. I bite my tongue a lot for that reason and I don't tell him everything she has said and done when he's not around. She knows my DH will side with me, which is why it's so darn frustrating when she says and does things she knows will be hurtful to me or contradicts our parenting.
Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-13-2009, 04:10 PM
 
2,466 posts, read 4,207,252 times
Reputation: 1300
Quote:
Originally Posted by yukiko11 View Post
Your husband loves you because of who you are. He loves his mother because of who he is. Don't worry about her complaints, that is all part of being a mother in law. She will probably go home and tell her friends how wonderful her grandchildren were to sit on the ground so seniors could take a seat. However, you will never get credit for it. That's just the way it is. Always treat her with respect. Even if she loves you, she will never be able to admit it because you are the woman her son loves more than her. You will find out when your daughters marry.
I am a MIL and I am a grandparent. My DH and I love our daughter very much, but we are not interfering or disrespectful In-laws. There are times when we don't always agree with my daughter and son's parenting style but we never contradict their rules in front of their child. We offer advice when they ask and keep our mouth shut when they don't. The only time we interfere is if we see that our grand daughter is doing something that could be harmful and our daughter and SIL are not paying attention. We also acknowlege our SIL as a member of our family and not some outcast that my daughter drug home. We are happy that our daughter found someone who loves her as much as we do and makes her happy.
Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


 
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:
Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2018, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top