Teenage Pregnancy. (legally, baby, support, parents)

[cpg35223]

Okay. Crunch time. Humor me as I provide a little background.

My BIL's daughter is 17. Her parents never married, and she spent a tumultuous childhood moving from city to city, with the added bonus of her parents always fighting over some trivial detail in family court.

Finally, two years ago, her mother threw up her hands, and sent my niece to live with my BIL, FIL, and MIL. So she went from a very loose environment to an incredibly strict environment. They put her in a Catholic school, and rigorously monitored her, thinking that they had all the answers in raising children.

Well, we learned yesterday that she's ten weeks pregnant. The father of the child is a kid who lives in a well-to-do household with his mother, who is apparently a loon (No, I haven't met her. I'm just going with what information I have).

My niece's mother is in Maryland, while my BIL lives in Atlanta. My BIL is a clueless type who has been totally wrapped up in work, while my MIL and FIL are pretty rigid and domineering types. So part of me thinks that getting pregnant was her way of rebelling.

Now that you have all the background, what do you think should happen next? She's a straight A student with high test scores, and scholarship offers were already beginning to trickle in. The school has deigned to allow her to take final exams, but won't let her back for her senior year.

So, IF YOU HAVE HAD A SIMILAR EXPERIENCE, what advice would you offer? For some reason, the BIL tends to trust my advice, but I'm clueless here. Should she...


1) Give up the child for adoption and try to salvage her academic career?
2) Continue living with my BIL, MIL, and FIL, have the baby, and get her GED?
3) Move back to Maryland and live with her loopy mother, get her GED, and try to go to junior college or a regular university?
4) Some other idea?

My BIL is coming this weekend, and could really use the advice. Normally, I can dispense it with the best of them, but I'm really stumped as to what they should do.

[Marlow]

No matter what anyone here advises, or what you think, or what your BIL thinks, the girl will be the one to decide. What does she think?

As for what I would do, I would advise her to place the baby in an open adoption and go back to school.

[cpg35223]

Originally Posted by Marlow

No matter what anyone here advises, or what you think, or what your BIL thinks, the girl will be the one to decide. What does she think?

As for what I would do, I would advise her to place the baby in an open adoption and go back to school.

Well, I beg to differ. Sure, she has input into all this, but if the family is going to be paying for the doctor's bills, the lawyer's bills, and totally and utterly rearranging their lives to accommodate this situation, then she really doesn't get to do whatever she wants. She does not have the necessary education to survive on her own, so she will indeed be a dependent of the family, along with her child. What's more, given her inability to make wise decisions, a cooler head is probably necessary for her future well-being.

[Momma_bear]

It seems the root of the problem is that nobody has paid any attention to her in her entire life. Why not ask her instead of her permissive mother, distant father, and controlling grandparents?

[jennaflorrie]

All along it sounds as though this girl has been pushed, shoved, ignored then finally - sent off to be disciplined by some catholic nuns!....too late...... You can only salvage a bad situation. Start talking to the girl for a start. Ask her what she wants to do. Perhaps her mother and father could apologise for being so useless! She has no respect for the people who raised her - and I'm not surprised. Maybe she'll be a better Mother than her own? Maybe she'll rock the world some day. Who knows! It depends on the girls strength of spirit, her determination and how she grows from ground which was never really ideal. I wish her all the best.

[cpg35223]

Originally Posted by Momma_bear

It seems the root of the problem is that nobody has paid any attention to her in her entire life. Why not ask her instead of her permissive mother, distant father, and controlling grandparents?

Well, that's what I've advised my wife to do. But she's worried about elbowing her way into an already complicated family situation. As I said before, my BIL seems to want my advice on the subject, so I feel duty-bound to give him something. And I really don't have any answers on this one.

[Marlow]

Originally Posted by cpg35223

Well, I beg to differ. Sure, she has input into all this, but if the family is going to be paying for the doctor's bills, the lawyer's bills, and totally and utterly rearranging their lives to accommodate this situation, then she really doesn't get to do whatever she wants. She does not have the necessary education to survive on her own, so she will indeed be a dependent of the family, along with her child. What's more, given her inability to make wise decisions, a cooler head is probably necessary for her future well-being.

No one can legally force her to give up the baby, so she will be the one to decide. And as she'll turn 18 soon, no one can tell her where to live, although they can certainly prohibit her from living with them and refuse to support her. It's a matter of what kind of support her family is willing to offer her and whether she's going to be willing to take responsbility for herself and her baby if she decides to keep it.

Also, what about the father of the child? He will have rights and responsibilities also and he and his parents should be consulted.

[cpg35223]

Originally Posted by jennaflorrie

All along it sounds as though this girl has been pushed, shoved, ignored then finally - sent off to be disciplined by some catholic nuns!....too late...... You can only salvage a bad situation. Start talking to the girl for a start. Ask her what she wants to do. Perhaps her mother and father could apologise for being so useless! She has no respect for the people who raised her - and I'm not surprised. Maybe she'll be a better Mother than her own? Maybe she'll rock the world some day. Who knows! It depends on the girls strength of spirit, her determination and how she grows from ground which was never really ideal. I wish her all the best.

Thank you. And I actually agree with you. I've been pretty vocal about this with my wife over the past several years when problems started to arise. But this family's recipe is discipline and more discipline. Didn't seem to work for them, did it?

[cpg35223]

Originally Posted by Marlow

No one can legally force her to give up the baby, so she will be the one to decide.

Oh, I don't think anybody's asking her to do that. But if she does elect to keep the child, she needs to understand how it will affect everybody. And it will truly affect everybody. So it's not just all about her.

[jennaflorrie]

Originally Posted by cpg35223

Thank you. And I actually agree with you. I've been pretty vocal about this with my wife over the past several years when problems started to arise. But this family's recipe is discipline and more discipline. Didn't seem to work for them, did it?

Well, you can't go disciplining your children and not have the balancing side of Love and Attention and Stability and Encouragement! It can either be permissive - too easy going. Or Rigid and uncompromising - and I think both apporaches are extreme! Balance is needed. But here I think - the horse has bolted.

What would I do? I would develop a better relationship with someone who has been pushed from pillor to post - show some understanding. Give advice. Show some support. Apologise for past failings. But this girl is now at an age where she is entering independance. You can't treat her any longer like a naughty 7 year old. Her parents messed up - too late. But I know many, many people who started off on the wrong foot - but they ended up really doing well. This girl may yet surpirse you all yet! In a GOOD way.