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I agree with most of what is said. We have some similar problems with a child with attachment problems. I think your plan of making his world simpler is a great one. If he refuses to care for what you have given him, he doesn't deserve it. He thinks he is bored now??? Just wait. Hopefully he will realize the error of his ways and become more responsible.
The one recommendation I want to differ with is the door thing. I highly recommend leaving the door in place and placing an alarm on the door. Tie a bell to the door knob, a glass jar filled with nuts and bolts, anything that will wake you if your son tries to get out of his room. We were shocked to discover that our son had been regularly waking at night to roam the house doing various sorts of mischief (stealing candy, hiding others possessions...)
Boxing or another full contact sport (wrestling, karate)-can help him with confidence, thus allowing him to meet people also with discipline and help him release his anger
Boy Scouts or some type of outdoorsey club-Instant friends and an oppurtunity to interact with nature
The therapy thing may be needed, but its not like he is torturing animals, so the fire thing might truely be out of boredom
Boxing or another full contact sport (wrestling, karate)-can help him with confidence, thus allowing him to meet people also with discipline and help him release his anger
Boy Scouts or some type of outdoorsey club-Instant friends and an oppurtunity to interact with nature
The therapy thing may be needed, but its not like he is torturing animals, so the fire thing might truely be out of boredom
I second the martial arts.
I would accompany that with some therapy, like behavioral therapy.
Fire starting can be a symptom of conduct disorder. I am NOT saying that he has this, but if you go to a website like:
you may obtain some helpful hints on how to handle him. You can research the threads without joining.
Also, you can make him repair whatever he damages, like sanding and refinishing the bedroom furniture (if that is possible).
As an aside, while some parents may not panic over fire starting at home, schools take that sort of thing VERY seriously. Students have been expelled for it (when it happens in school). So, if nothing is happening at school, think twice before reporting it there since the school is not in danger. You don't want to bring on unnecessary trouble, because you have enough going on now. But I'd be aggressively trying to solve the fire-starting and threats.
Ok, so I have read through all of these posts. Thank you all very much.
However, I would like to clarify a few things. He has been in therapy before and it was a waste of time. The therapist was not at all concerned about anything and thought I was just too controlling. He does have ADD and is on medication for it. He is very defiant so if I tell him not to do something he will want to do it just because I told him not to, which is another thing I am trying to deal with.
For the poster who brought up my other post about when my son was 8 and suspended for a drawing, that was my other son. They are NOTHING alike-apples and oranges.
I think I saw something on Dr. Phil about punishing kids. He said to remove EVERYTHING from their room except the bed and a blanket. When the behavior starts to change they can earn things back. They do something positive they get back a radio, do something negative they lose it.
I think most importantly he has to know you mean business and you have to stick to your guns. Imagine the look on his face when he comes home from school and everything is gone. He needs to know there is a possibility he won't get everything back.
No computer, no going out with friends, no nothing! That fire stuff is serious. That needs to stop.
Sometimes you have to take the time and trouble and inconvenience to try new counselors. Not everyone is a good one. Please do not be in denial saying therapy is/was a waste of time. Pay attention to your gut - not avoid a huge problem. In the end you will be thankful. Sometimes parents need therapy, too. It's not a bad thing and can be helpful. So both of you should seek help - maybe not together - but separately.
Also, when you say, if you tell him not to do something, he will want to do it, which to me means that if you try to make him do this or that as quoted from your OP, what's to say he will even do it?
Also, when you say, if you tell him not to do something, he will want to do it, which to me means that if you try to make him do this or that as quoted from your OP, what's to say he will even do it?
There is no guarantee he will do anything I tell him to do which is why I was looking for suggestions. Here is an example of his defiant personality:
When he was in 7th grade and brought home his report card with bad grades, I did as any other parent would do, take away some priveliges(sp?) until he brought his grades up. Sounds simple. Well his way of thinking was that he was going to continue to do bad to show me that taking things away wasn't going to work. So for three semesters he continued to barely pass his classes just to show me that I couldn't "control" him. I tried to explain to him many times that he is only hurting himself in the long run but he doesn't listen.
There is no guarantee he will do anything I tell him to do which is why I was looking for suggestions. Here is an example of his defiant personality:
When he was in 7th grade and brought home his report card with bad grades, I did as any other parent would do, take away some priveliges(sp?) until he brought his grades up. Sounds simple. Well his way of thinking was that he was going to continue to do bad to show me that taking things away wasn't going to work. So for three semesters he continued to barely pass his classes just to show me that I couldn't "control" him. I tried to explain to him many times that he is only hurting himself in the long run but he doesn't listen.
did you offer tutoring to help him? Did you check that he did his homework? You can't just ell kids what to do, you have to guide them.
There is no guarantee he will do anything I tell him to do which is why I was looking for suggestions. Here is an example of his defiant personality:
When he was in 7th grade and brought home his report card with bad grades, I did as any other parent would do, take away some priveliges(sp?) until he brought his grades up. Sounds simple. Well his way of thinking was that he was going to continue to do bad to show me that taking things away wasn't going to work. So for three semesters he continued to barely pass his classes just to show me that I couldn't "control" him. I tried to explain to him many times that he is only hurting himself in the long run but he doesn't listen.
Most definitely!!
He needs to be seen right away with a qualified and trusted professional
This will help him and hopefully your family will get back to normal, as soon as
possible, you are brave to come on here for advice
I pray for your strength in this time, rest assured you are not alone in your plight, better safe than sorry..
Keep us posted
There is no guarantee he will do anything I tell him to do which is why I was looking for suggestions. Here is an example of his defiant personality:
When he was in 7th grade and brought home his report card with bad grades, I did as any other parent would do, take away some priveliges(sp?) until he brought his grades up. Sounds simple. Well his way of thinking was that he was going to continue to do bad to show me that taking things away wasn't going to work. So for three semesters he continued to barely pass his classes just to show me that I couldn't "control" him. I tried to explain to him many times that he is only hurting himself in the long run but he doesn't listen.
Not trying to diagnose or anything -- I know that can be annoying. But has anyone ever suggested to you that he has ODD? What you are describing sounds like it. Also, it could be just be the severe ADHD. My own son has ADHD (and PDD-NOS), and with the level of impulsivity, it's hard to convey to him that a lot of his actions end up hurting him, not his family. That's because many times, you cannot reason with them when they get into that impulsive stage. As my son gets older, he's beginning to think more about choices and consequences, but my job in helping him with this is neverending.
The other thing is that the meds he is on could actually be causing the behavioral issues as side effects. A review of the medication or medication change/adjustment may be in order.
You may want to read "The Explosive Child." His behavior sound not sound very explosive but it is self-destructive. The book may have some good tips for you.
Good luck.
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