U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 05-19-2009, 08:57 AM
 
Location: Denver, Colorado U.S.A.
14,174 posts, read 22,492,358 times
Reputation: 10428

Advertisements

It just hit me yesterday that we might have an issue with our nanny. She's a 63 year old woman, hard worker, and she does well with our one year old boys. Her husband died a couple months ago, and since then, on several occassions, she's said to me, "I could take them home for the weekend". She sort of laughed like it was a joke, but she said it again yesterday just before leaving. Then when she leaves, she makes a big production of it, waving and saying "bye", slowly walking backward down the entry hall to the front door, waiting for the boys to come running toward her, then they start whining, etc. She drags it out, then waves from outside, and I'm left with two whiney, if not crying boys. When I leave in the morning (they're already up and eating breakfast by the time she gets to our house), it's a quick kiss, bye-bye, and I'm out the door with no problems.

I'm just wondering if we have a problem on our hands bigger than her "exit drama". I'm wondering if she might not be filling the void of her husband being dead with our boys. The next time she brings up taking them for the weekend, I'm going to point out that they're our children, and I feel bad enough that I have to be gone every day for 8 hours, and have no intention of "pawning them off" on her for the weekend. That's important quality time for our family. And even if there were some reason why we would want someone to take them for the night, I get the feeling that she's one of those "hoarders" with crap all over her house (she takes half our recycling home with her) and with one year olds, any house they stay at would need to be clean, clutter-free, and child proofed.

We may be putting them into daycare this Fall, so I also worry about letting her go, especially if she seems very attached to them.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 05-19-2009, 10:29 AM
 
1,986 posts, read 3,465,565 times
Reputation: 1288
She is most likely very lonely. Does she have grandkids? Do they live near? I wouldn't allow her to take your boys home with her. Not that she would do anything bad, but because it would put them in the position of having the job of making her happy. Kids don't need jobs.

Maybe when it's time for her to leave at the end of her day, one of you pick the boys up and take them into your room until she leaves, or get them busy with something prior to her leaving.

She must be very sad and lonely it being only two months. Give her some time to adjust, but try to keep your boys out of her adjustment as much as possible.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-19-2009, 10:32 AM
 
363 posts, read 1,002,711 times
Reputation: 292
Your situation does sound a bit odd. We employed a nanny for several years and I would say that I would have been uncomfortable with that situation. Trust your gut. If you think something might be strange than it probably is. Finding someone to watch your children in your home is tricky because you don't know what goes on during the day...unless you have a nanny cam. We never used one but there are probably others out there that can give opinions on that.

I might approach the whole taking them home on the weekend a bit differently. I probably would be more "joking" about it like "You are so funny. I know you love the boys but I would never dream of sending them home with you. They are too young and as you know, we need our family time"....or something along those lines. Shut it down so that it does not come up again.

Regarding her leaving, you could usher the boys to a backroom and engage them in an activity while she is leaving. You can always excuse yourself and say that you are taking the kids to go play a game or to the backyard and that you will see her tomorrow. That way, she does not have an audience upon her departure.

Again, I understand you have to approach things like this very diplomatically. You want her to continue to provide great care for your kids. If strange things continue, you may consider putting them in some sort of day care situation.

Good luck!!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-19-2009, 10:43 AM
 
Location: Rogers, Arkansas
1,280 posts, read 4,033,838 times
Reputation: 1209
She does seem lonely and a bit clingy. But, unless you have already made up your mind about playschool, that is not necessarily so bad you need to let her go- she needs time to grieve, and as long as she is a good nanny and takes care of your kids well, I think the current problem can be overcome.

My 15 months old twins go to playschool two mornings a week, and the school strongly suggests that goodbyes are done quickly, preferably at the school room dor rather than hugging and playing and parents going into the room. Maybe you could point out to her how the long goodbyes are bad for the kids (after all, she may not realise that they cry after she is gone), and ask her to only say a quick goodbye?

In terms of the weekends, it is probably mostly her lonelyness that makes her suggest this, but it may be also that she is looking for more work/ income, with her husband gone? It may not be appropriate for your kids to go to her house, but if you are planning a weekend away as a couple, you could always ask her to house and babysit at your place. IN the same vein, if you do decide to send the kids to playschool in the fall, and she seems sad about that (more so than about loosing her job, I mean), then you could suggest to her that you do appreciate her work as a nanny, and that you will keep her in mind for the occasional evening when you and hubby want to go out, or weekend away.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-19-2009, 12:28 PM
 
Location: Denver, Colorado U.S.A.
14,174 posts, read 22,492,358 times
Reputation: 10428
Quote:
Originally Posted by stormy night View Post
She is most likely very lonely. Does she have grandkids? Do they live near? I wouldn't allow her to take your boys home with her. Not that she would do anything bad, but because it would put them in the position of having the job of making her happy. Kids don't need jobs.

Maybe when it's time for her to leave at the end of her day, one of you pick the boys up and take them into your room until she leaves, or get them busy with something prior to her leaving.

She must be very sad and lonely it being only two months. Give her some time to adjust, but try to keep your boys out of her adjustment as much as possible.
She has one 24 year old daughter - who's extremely nice and has watched the boys in her absence a couple times. But she works and has her own life. Other than that, no family that she's mentioned, so I'm thinking she may be lonely too.

I had never thought about this before, but woman who nanny seem to run the risk of heartbreak when they're no longer needed - at least full time.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-19-2009, 12:31 PM
 
Location: Denver, Colorado U.S.A.
14,174 posts, read 22,492,358 times
Reputation: 10428
Quote:
Originally Posted by Maybe So View Post
Your situation does sound a bit odd. We employed a nanny for several years and I would say that I would have been uncomfortable with that situation. Trust your gut. If you think something might be strange than it probably is. Finding someone to watch your children in your home is tricky because you don't know what goes on during the day...unless you have a nanny cam. We never used one but there are probably others out there that can give opinions on that.

I might approach the whole taking them home on the weekend a bit differently. I probably would be more "joking" about it like "You are so funny. I know you love the boys but I would never dream of sending them home with you. They are too young and as you know, we need our family time"....or something along those lines. Shut it down so that it does not come up again.

Regarding her leaving, you could usher the boys to a backroom and engage them in an activity while she is leaving. You can always excuse yourself and say that you are taking the kids to go play a game or to the backyard and that you will see her tomorrow. That way, she does not have an audience upon her departure.

Again, I understand you have to approach things like this very diplomatically. You want her to continue to provide great care for your kids. If strange things continue, you may consider putting them in some sort of day care situation.

Good luck!!
The "fast exit" works in the morning fairly well. I'm going to try coming in today and rather than a quick kiss and hello to them and then doing a few things before she leaves, I'll just stay with them and get their attention on me. I'll have to figure out a tactful way to bring this up if it continues because it really annoys me, and after a day at work, a half hour of crankiness isn't fun!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-19-2009, 01:42 PM
 
3,842 posts, read 9,239,863 times
Reputation: 3177
Quote:
Originally Posted by denverian View Post
She has one 24 year old daughter - who's extremely nice and has watched the boys in her absence a couple times. But she works and has her own life. Other than that, no family that she's mentioned, so I'm thinking she may be lonely too.

I had never thought about this before, but woman who nanny seem to run the risk of heartbreak when they're no longer needed - at least full time.
She sounds very lonely. And your boys are filling a void in her life right now.

Some single people dislike weekends b/c they have no coworkers to talk to or really any "purpose"...and it can be lonely.

But, it's a professional relationship & you need to keep it that way for the well being of your children.

I would also avoid a daycare if financially possible & hire a new nanny.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-19-2009, 02:03 PM
 
Location: Denver, Colorado U.S.A.
14,174 posts, read 22,492,358 times
Reputation: 10428
Quote:
Originally Posted by 121804 View Post
She sounds very lonely. And your boys are filling a void in her life right now.

Some single people dislike weekends b/c they have no coworkers to talk to or really any "purpose"...and it can be lonely.

But, it's a professional relationship & you need to keep it that way for the well being of your children.

I would also avoid a daycare if financially possible & hire a new nanny.
I don't think she's done anything worth firing her over. She's very attentive to their needs and a hard worker. Maybe I fear them becoming too attached to her as well. When she's in the house during the week, she spends all their awake time right there with them. In the evening, that's impossible for me to spend 5 hours one-on-one with them because I have dinner to cook, preparations for the next day, laundry, cleaning, etc. Although they're near me while I'm doing those things (sometimes a little too near!) and I make an effort to talk to them and interract the entire time. And the last hour of each weekday, at least, is just for them with no interruptions. As a first time parent, I'm probably over-analyzing the entire situation!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-19-2009, 02:18 PM
 
363 posts, read 1,002,711 times
Reputation: 292
Quote:
I don't think she's done anything worth firing her over. She's very attentive to their needs and a hard worker. Maybe I fear them becoming too attached to her as well. When she's in the house during the week, she spends all their awake time right there with them. In the evening, that's impossible for me to spend 5 hours one-on-one with them because I have dinner to cook, preparations for the next day, laundry, cleaning, etc. Although they're near me while I'm doing those things (sometimes a little too near!) and I make an effort to talk to them and interract the entire time. And the last hour of each weekday, at least, is just for them with no interruptions. As a first time parent, I'm probably over-analyzing the entire situation!
Don't worry...you are their mother and are tops in their books. Kids become attached to out of family caregivers but in a different way.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-19-2009, 02:53 PM
 
Location: NE Oklahoma
1,036 posts, read 2,577,905 times
Reputation: 1080
Quote:
Originally Posted by denverian View Post
She has one 24 year old daughter - who's extremely nice and has watched the boys in her absence a couple times. But she works and has her own life. Other than that, no family that she's mentioned, so I'm thinking she may be lonely too.

I had never thought about this before, but woman who nanny seem to run the risk of heartbreak when they're no longer needed - at least full time.
I wouldn't replace her simply because you DO think she is doing a good job and you DO trust her. Finding people to care for your children that do a good job and have earned your trust is hard to do.
If you do decide to send your children to a daycare you might consider helping her find another family to Nanny for.
My children went to a small daycare for many years and the primary caregiver was Nancy and all the kids called her Nanny. To this day (16 and 12) they will see her in Wal Mart or around town and run up to her and hug her. They were VERY attached to her and she to them. But her health was failing and she had to retire. It was small enough that they got good care but not quite a home situation.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
Similar Threads
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2018, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top