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Old 05-21-2009, 07:42 AM
 
Location: Dixie's Sunny Shore
1,366 posts, read 2,844,337 times
Reputation: 817

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Granny Sue & maciesmom, you both have very valid points and I am not arguing with either of your responses. Jackyfrost01 is in need of someone to talk to about this. While it hurts to know of his passing, this young man was put on a pedistal he was probably undeserving of. Maybe Jf01 should be a little more reserved with what he's saying, but this is what happens when people need to talk and nobody listens especially a spouse.

I'm sure Jf01 is saddened by the passing of this man, but he was adversly effected by the non-stop praising of an undeserving person. Hopefully, with the passage of time, this subject isn't visited too often. This is a tragic story from every angle.

 
Old 05-21-2009, 08:17 AM
 
15,200 posts, read 16,061,842 times
Reputation: 25121
My brother tells wonderful stories about himself and other people that may have a basis in reality, but are essentially lies. After he tells the story a time or two I truly believe that he starts to believe it himself.

Reality can be ugly sometimes and people like their made-up stories better. If they're not hurting anyone, just let them be.
 
Old 05-21-2009, 08:46 AM
 
1,986 posts, read 3,468,487 times
Reputation: 1289
It's very, very difficult to admit failure, and as a parent, your spouse most likely feels like a failure. To feel better about this, it is easier to convince oneself that the son was more than he really was in life; more successful, more desirable, more likeable, more ambitious. With him away (before his death), it sounded better to your spouse to say he went for college, and has since come to believe that, instead of the truth. It's difficult to say he went because he is a freeloader and wore out his welcome at home. That would reflect on your spouse's parenting (Which isn't always the case.).
 
Old 05-21-2009, 09:12 AM
 
2,700 posts, read 5,158,330 times
Reputation: 5515
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jackyfrost01 View Post
nope, as i said, they aren't telling the truth. Thats what bothers me.

He only wanted to get away from home, and go live on his own and be in Florida with his relatives and still live as he always had with us, minus our house rules and making him get a job.

He wanted a free ride, okay? He didn't care about college. Thats work.

He wanted to sit around all day and play video games and eat free food. Thats what he wanted.

He told me he was only going to do the college thing to shut his relatives up about it and because they told him if he wanted to continue living there that he needed to get a job and start school, otherwise he'd give no thought to it. I see nothing to gain for him in lying to me about that and he probably knew his family wouldn't beleive me if I told them.

So in essense, what my spouse is saying is not totally true. That may have been THEIR intention of his leaving home, but it wasn't HIS. He just didn't wanna work and he got a suprise when he found out there were rules there too.
The kid is dead. He's dead. Why are you still bent out of shape about this? I have to admit that my reaction to reading your posts is to recoil...from you and your critical attitude. Is it just that you want everyone to know that your stepson was a failure? Would that make you happy? You can't stand the thought that anybody somewhere -- a stranger, even -- might have some perception of this kid that is obviously more generous than yours? Or that your husband is harboring some delusion about his child? His DEAD child? Sheesh.
 
Old 05-21-2009, 09:27 AM
 
1,577 posts, read 3,267,957 times
Reputation: 530
Quote:
Originally Posted by Niftybergin View Post
The kid is dead. He's dead. Why are you still bent out of shape about this? I have to admit that my reaction to reading your posts is to recoil...from you and your critical attitude. Is it just that you want everyone to know that your stepson was a failure? Would that make you happy? You can't stand the thought that anybody somewhere -- a stranger, even -- might have some perception of this kid that is obviously more generous than yours? Or that your husband is harboring some delusion about his child? His DEAD child? Sheesh.
Maybe I should have gave the impression he was still alive?

Would that make a difference in not wanting my spouse make up grandiose tales about their kid (which, dead or alive, was really my point)?

But anyways, to close this up, I got some good feedback from other posters that shed some light on my spouse's motives that make a lot of sense and will make it easier to deal with. They know who they are and I thank them again for their views Who wants to admit their kid and themselves was anything less than perfect if they don't have to? Makes sense to me.

Thanks everyone and have a great day.
 
Old 05-21-2009, 10:15 AM
 
1,831 posts, read 3,735,699 times
Reputation: 1222
Sometimes, parents "rewrite history" when it comes to their deceased children and their bad choices, or the parents' own bad choices. A relative of mine who never did much (although he really tried, but he mainly was trying to fit himself, a round peg, into a square hole) passed away fairly young. His mother, in the interest of focusing more on the positive, made him sound like more of a victim of circumstance rather than someone who made some bad choices. And she made their relationship sound more positive than it was. I let the "revision of history" be or change the subject. To me, when parents do that, they're in pain.

Your internal reaction, like mine, is probably, "But that isn't true." But you're smart to let it be.
 
Old 05-21-2009, 11:01 AM
 
758 posts, read 1,596,062 times
Reputation: 952
I agree bowian. This is probably a fairly recent event (within a year or so?) and I'm betting she is trying to process her grief and making him out to be better than he was is her way of not letting his life end on a bad note.

It sounds like you got a lot going on Jack and it's easy to become frustrated and angry at things sometimes, but she has went through a tremendous loss and it's best to let her sort it out her own way, instead of trying to point out the falsehoods in her memories.
 
Old 05-21-2009, 12:39 PM
 
1,425 posts, read 3,525,284 times
Reputation: 2024
How does the saying go.... "only the good die young"

I have a very dear friend who has lost two children. One at age 9 and one at age 26. The 26 yo died of complications from heroin. He'd lied, stolen, been in jail, etc. But he was her son. Her baby boy. If she wants to remember him bein the "reformed" man he was a week out of prison instead of the strung out kid who stole a car fom her.... fine... let her. I love her either way. I loved this boy too. I detested his life choices and use him to help guide my children, but I still loved him.

In blended family situations, the step parent has a different perspective than the bioparent. You can see things about the child as an outsider would. Some bioparents cannot accept the step parent's opinion and will argue facts, some excuse behavior and some take the step's prespective and trys to teach their child differently.

But, in the end, if she and her family refuse to see the "truth", nothing you can do can change that and I don't see why proving what a louse he was will change now? Let her have her illusions..... she no longer has her baby to hold.... I know he was grown and lazy, but he will always be her baby.
 
Old 05-21-2009, 01:14 PM
 
Location: North Carolina
1,524 posts, read 1,372,709 times
Reputation: 554
Quote:
Originally Posted by Niftybergin View Post
The kid is dead. He's dead. Why are you still bent out of shape about this? I have to admit that my reaction to reading your posts is to recoil...from you and your critical attitude. Is it just that you want everyone to know that your stepson was a failure? Would that make you happy? You can't stand the thought that anybody somewhere -- a stranger, even -- might have some perception of this kid that is obviously more generous than yours? Or that your husband is harboring some delusion about his child? His DEAD child? Sheesh.
Wow, I am so glad someone finally said this! I was reading along and thinking the exact same thing. The kid is dead and JF01 is in here talking crap about him. All I can think about is the bad kharma JF01 is bringing upon herself. Let it go and let this kid, however lazy, freeloading, etc. that he was, lie in his grave in peace. Nothing can be changed now. Please just be thankful that you and your family are healthy and alive.
 
Old 05-21-2009, 01:38 PM
 
1,986 posts, read 3,468,487 times
Reputation: 1289
The relationship between mother and son is very different than mother/daughter, father/son, father/daughter.

No mother wants to talk ill of her son. No mother wants to admit a son failed to live up to her expectations. Mothers make excuses for sons' shortcomings and problems.

Mothers of sons usually deny this different kind of bond, but it is there. Even though you may not see it in your own relationships with your sons, look around you at those other mothers who have sons and see that they are different. I guarantee others see it in yours. There is something extremely protective about a mother/son relationship.

It isn't Jack's fault that existed. It's not easy to understand unless you step back and really look and take apart the roles of each sex in the family and why we behave the way we do with each.

I can say some not-so-nice things about my own flesh and blood who have passed. Because they are gone, doesn't make them saints. People don't get to be better people after they have passed. Since this is a continuing topic of discussion for the parent of this young man, it is a continuing point of frustration for the person who saw that same young man for who he really was.
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