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Old 05-22-2009, 09:47 PM
 
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Okay so my daughter is 10yrs old. She pretty much gets along with everyone at school. There is one friend who never gets invited to parties/outings, etc. by the other children - in fact she hasn't been able to maintain any friendships with others. Anyway she and my daughter have been friends for about 3 or so years however my daughter has other friends who she prefers to hang out with, and she's always getting invited to something. Anyway after realizing that this child gets invited to nothing and after realizing that she hasn't been able to maintain friendships, I ask my daughter what the problem is and why don't the other children like her. She says, well Mom she's rude, self-centered and too needy. Everything has to be about her.

My daughter is seeming to outgrow this friendship however, the Mom and I are friends and I'm confused as to how to handle the situation. I feel sorry for the little one however I can see the problem in her ever sustaining any friendships due to her behavior.
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Old 05-22-2009, 10:32 PM
 
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Maybe you should just tell your daughter that she does not have to be best friends with this person but still needs to be nice to her....as she would anyone else. I don't see any reason to discuss this with your friend. Kids change "best" friends or even friends for that matter like they change clothes and there is no reason to cause bad feelings between you and your friend. As long as your daughter is nice and does not go out of her way to hurt this girls feelings or be rude, it should work itself out. Things change, this girl may mature or learn to be less "self-centered" and all will be well.....you may want to see how this all shakes out.

In elem. school, I was very good friends with the daughter of one of my moms best friends. We grew apart in later junior high and high school (not like the above senerio or because of any particular falling out....just different friends and activities). Anyway, we ended up back in the same area years after college and we are very, very close today. She is now one of my best friends.

Your daughter and this girl may never get to that point but I imagine they will be thrown together for years to come because of your relationship with her mother. Hopefully, it will all work itself out. Good luck.
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Old 05-22-2009, 10:34 PM
 
2,466 posts, read 4,207,252 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ayannaaaliyah View Post
Okay so my daughter is 10yrs old. She pretty much gets along with everyone at school. There is one friend who never gets invited to parties/outings, etc. by the other children - in fact she hasn't been able to maintain any friendships with others. Anyway she and my daughter have been friends for about 3 or so years however my daughter has other friends who she prefers to hang out with, and she's always getting invited to something. Anyway after realizing that this child gets invited to nothing and after realizing that she hasn't been able to maintain friendships, I ask my daughter what the problem is and why don't the other children like her. She says, well Mom she's rude, self-centered and too needy. Everything has to be about her.

My daughter is seeming to outgrow this friendship however, the Mom and I are friends and I'm confused as to how to handle the situation. I feel sorry for the little one however I can see the problem in her ever sustaining any friendships due to her behavior.
You say that you and this girl's mom are friends. Are you good friends or just acquaintances? What is the mom like? is she a bit self centered, needy and rude? Is there things going on with the home life of this little girl that may be making her this way? Is she an only child perhaps, and maybe gets to much attention (i.e spoiling)?

If you are pretty good friends with the girl's mom, then maybe you can have a little sit down with her and tell her that your daughter has told you that her daughter seems to be having a little trouble making and keeping friends. Tell her what your daughter has told you about this girl's attitude and behavior. Tell her that you are not telling her any of this to point out that her daughter is not a fun girl to be around, but that you are worried that she is going to struggle with friendships throughout her life and it is important for young girls to have a few close friends while growing up. Maybe something is going on with her daughter that she is not aware of because maybe she doesn't act that way at home.

It is really sad when a child has such an attitude and behavior that keeps them from making and keeping friends. Those are the kids who needs a friend the most. But I understand kids not wanting to hang with them when they feel bossed, clung to and being spoken to in a rude fashion.

Maybe your daughter can have a chat with this girl and tell her that the other kids don't like to play with her when she is being bossy, rude and clingy. She could tell her that needs to learn to play games that someone else chose and she needs to try and play nice then maybe the other kids will want to play with her. My 10yo has had similar talks with friends like this herself. She is very diplomatic that way and she is a great mediator, she is always trying to find peaceful solutions to problems and is always helping others make friends. If she sees someone being left out she will go and ask them to join her and her other friends, if her friends balk she will try and find a compromise that works for everyone, or she will hang back and play with them and let her other friends play on without her.
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Old 05-22-2009, 10:42 PM
 
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Quote:
If you are pretty good friends with the girl's mom, then maybe you can have a little sit down with her and tell her that your daughter has told you that her daughter seems to be having a little trouble making and keeping friends. Tell her what your daughter has told you about this girl's attitude and behavior. Tell her that you are not telling her any of this to point out that her daughter is not a fun girl to be around, but that you are worried that she is going to struggle with friendships throughout her life and it is important for young girls to have a few close friends while growing up. Maybe something is going on with her daughter that she is not aware of because maybe she doesn't act that way at home.
If you choose to discuss this with your friend than you need to be prepared for her reaction ....good or bad. This is a tough one. It would be sad to lose a friend over this....ugh!

Last edited by Maybe So; 05-22-2009 at 10:58 PM..
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Old 05-23-2009, 07:55 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wyoquilter View Post
You say that you and this girl's mom are friends. Are you good friends or just acquaintances? What is the mom like? is she a bit self centered, needy and rude? Is there things going on with the home life of this little girl that may be making her this way? Is she an only child perhaps, and maybe gets to much attention (i.e spoiling)?

If you are pretty good friends with the girl's mom, then maybe you can have a little sit down with her and tell her that your daughter has told you that her daughter seems to be having a little trouble making and keeping friends. Tell her what your daughter has told you about this girl's attitude and behavior. Tell her that you are not telling her any of this to point out that her daughter is not a fun girl to be around, but that you are worried that she is going to struggle with friendships throughout her life and it is important for young girls to have a few close friends while growing up. Maybe something is going on with her daughter that she is not aware of because maybe she doesn't act that way at home.

It is really sad when a child has such an attitude and behavior that keeps them from making and keeping friends. Those are the kids who needs a friend the most. But I understand kids not wanting to hang with them when they feel bossed, clung to and being spoken to in a rude fashion.

Maybe your daughter can have a chat with this girl and tell her that the other kids don't like to play with her when she is being bossy, rude and clingy. She could tell her that needs to learn to play games that someone else chose and she needs to try and play nice then maybe the other kids will want to play with her. My 10yo has had similar talks with friends like this herself. She is very diplomatic that way and she is a great mediator, she is always trying to find peaceful solutions to problems and is always helping others make friends. If she sees someone being left out she will go and ask them to join her and her other friends, if her friends balk she will try and find a compromise that works for everyone, or she will hang back and play with them and let her other friends play on without her.


I think they would have to be super close friends for this to work, otherwise it would probably be a very bad idea. No one wants to be told their child is bossy, rude and has no friends because of it. She may need to hear it but she definitly won't want to hear it.
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Old 05-23-2009, 08:59 AM
 
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Originally Posted by skahar View Post
I think they would have to be super close friends for this to work, otherwise it would probably be a very bad idea. No one wants to be told their child is bossy, rude and has no friends because of it. She may need to hear it but she definitly won't want to hear it.
Not knowing how close the OP's friendship is with the other mom, I also gave the suggestion that maybe her daughter can chat with the girl. I agree that the mothers' friendship has to be a pretty close one in order for the conversation to be a hopeful success and not a friendship breaker. If the OP has a close friendship with the other mom and she approaches the topic right it will hopefully not ruin a friendship and will only help the girl's mom, help her daughter.

If their friendship is not close or she is afraid it will put a strain on the freindship, then maybe the OP's daughter can work on the girl. It sounds as if that friendship (the girls') is already a bit strained and having the OP's daughter diplomatically talk to her friend couldn't hurt as long as the OP's daughter is not rude or harsh about it.

Either way the girl can't change her attitude and behavior if she doesn't know it's the problem in why she can't make or keep friends.
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Old 05-23-2009, 10:16 AM
 
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I had a similar experience with my own daughter. When she and her best friend (and her mom is also a very close friend of mine) went off to middle school they ended up in different "groups" or cliques. My friends daughter was friends with the group that my daughter perceived as "nerdy". I was horrified that my own daughter wasn't socializing with her anymore. There was never any meaness or hurtful behavior toward each other except exclusion. And we all know how painful it is to be excluded. I was so embarrassed that my own daughter would act like this and I never talked about it with my friend. My friends daughter has grown into this beautiful, confident, smart teenager and my daughter regrets how she behaved. The great life lesson is that my daughter learned she missed out on a great friendship. They have since moved and now, we are getting ready to move, too.
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Old 05-23-2009, 12:33 PM
 
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Quote:
If their friendship is not close or she is afraid it will put a strain on the freindship, then maybe the OP's daughter can work on the girl. It sounds as if that friendship (the girls') is already a bit strained and having the OP's daughter diplomatically talk to her friend couldn't hurt as long as the OP's daughter is not rude or harsh about it.

Either way the girl can't change her attitude and behavior if she doesn't know it's the problem in why she can't make or keep friends.
This is a lot to put on ten year olds. They would have to be very, very mature to discuss something like this without it coming off mean or just strange for that matter. Having a 10 year old peer say something like "No one likes you because you are rude, self-centered and too needy" does not feel right in my gut....I know it worked for your child but still.... You have to remember that kids are still really young at ten and they have a lot of maturing to do.

Summer is here and it is amazing how much kids mature and change over the course of the summer months. Since your child will not be in school and probably will not be interacting with this girl on a daily basis, you may want to see how things are going in September. By then...they all may be friends again. Like I said before....kids (especially girls) change their "best" friends on a weekly and some times daily basis.
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Old 05-23-2009, 04:30 PM
 
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
2,868 posts, read 8,454,851 times
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I would just be supportive of your child's decision as to be friends or not to be. If she prefers to hang out with others, so be it. People drift apart for many reasons... If anything I would prepare your dd with a tactful and meaningful way of telling the friend why others don't like her much. Maybe she will take that advice and better her attitude.
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Old 05-23-2009, 05:00 PM
 
Location: Houston, Texas
1,668 posts, read 3,954,228 times
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You could just make light of it and say stuff to the other Mom like "Oh my, it's a shame how Suzie & Mary are growing in separate directions. Hopefully they'll get over this phase & be good friends again in a few years." Just play it off like your daughter is into her new best friends now & how kids often drift in & out of friendships.....
Wishing you luck, this is a hard one.
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