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Old 05-24-2009, 07:57 PM
 
Location: Arlington, Texas
4 posts, read 6,613 times
Reputation: 11

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I am having a really hard time with my step son. He is 7 and I have been in his life since he was 9mo old. His mom does not like me and is constantly letting him know that she is his mother and I am NOT. When he was younger we were really close and she was jealous..and now he seems distant. His dad lets him get away with alot and so I am constantly the "bad guy". He will sulk and his dad gives him his way instead of correcting him. I just feel like an outsider now and its two against one. I am just irritated when he's here and my husband and I fight..not around him, though. I am just at a loss at what to do..is it just his age or is it me? I want to cry about the way I feel..I love him, but feel he could really do with out me. I really do not know how to get over the constant irritation and frustration I feel when he is around..I almost do not like to be around him..i really hate feeling like this!!
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Old 05-24-2009, 08:03 PM
 
Location: Southern NC
1,917 posts, read 4,229,567 times
Reputation: 2500
His father needs to man up and get on the same page with you in raising his son while he is in your home for visits. It shouldn't be on you to be the bad guy.
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Old 05-24-2009, 08:38 PM
 
6,455 posts, read 9,528,663 times
Reputation: 10766
Here's what it comes down to... you are NOT his parent. You are not any kind of authority figure, except for what your husband allows. You are a bystander, yes, even in your own home.

Your stepson's mom hates there's another woman trying mother him, and his dad has guilt for leaving his son, which is why he allows him to get away with a lot. You are only the bad guy if you try to exert any authority. So quit doing it, you're powerless.

This poor kids is caught between 2 separate parents, 2 separate households with 2 separate sets of rules most likely, and taking crap from all the adults in his life. You think you're having a hard time? Put yourself in this kid's shoes.

The only hope for you in this situation is if his parents get on the same page, and that'll probably never happen, so you need to decide if you can live with it.
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Old 05-25-2009, 05:45 AM
 
1,577 posts, read 3,268,636 times
Reputation: 530
step parents ( i know) will always take the back seat. The bio-parent will always defend and take the kid's side even when they KNOW the kid is in the wrong. As a step, I ended up just distancing myself and concentrated on MY children. Not the best idea perhaps, but if I didn't I was gonna end up making matters worse and end up divorcing my spouse at the rate things were going so I decided to just wash my hands for the most part (not totally) of the step-kid and let his parent take care of em. That was to preserve my marriage and for the sake of my own kids and my own sanity.

I'd do what I had to do but it was very minimal and only what was required of me. Made MY life easier anyway. So it was like having 2 families in the house. The stepkid and his parent, and My kids and their parents.

Just keep in mind you will never be right, where they are concerned, as such, I wouldn't bother trying too much. Your just the person that married their parent, that's all.

If they don't like you, I wouldn't be suprised if they start talking about you and telling their mother half-truths (stories that conveniently leave their parts out and make them appear to be innocent victims) about you to make you sound totally evil. Since the mother doesn't like you already, she'll likely believe every word of it without verifying a thing and you'll like like some awful person. And when the kid is an adult and free of your "bonds" ... oh boy.. the trash talk then... (or maybe that was just my case) In my case its the inlaws.

Last edited by Jackyfrost01; 05-25-2009 at 05:59 AM..
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Old 05-25-2009, 09:21 AM
 
541 posts, read 944,099 times
Reputation: 657
There is hope! I lived with my father and step-mom and brother for one year full time and then visited on holidays and summers until I was 18. I was horrible to my step-mother. I wrote her notes where only she could find them. Notes that stated "I hated her!"

Now, I am closer to her and her new husband than my Father.

Family is what you make it and I have made mine. I would not trade my relationship with my step-mom for anything. I now call her mom and my son calls her Mamie and her husband, Pappy.

They are the best set of grandparents and I am so thankful for them.

My only words of advice hang in there. Your thoughts and actions today will have results years down the road that may pleasantly surprise you.
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Old 05-25-2009, 10:00 AM
 
3,566 posts, read 4,494,753 times
Reputation: 1846
Quote:
Originally Posted by jmsnstcy View Post
I am having a really hard time with my step son. He is 7 and I have been in his life since he was 9mo old. His mom does not like me and is constantly letting him know that she is his mother and I am NOT. When he was younger we were really close and she was jealous..and now he seems distant. His dad lets him get away with alot and so I am constantly the "bad guy". He will sulk and his dad gives him his way instead of correcting him. I just feel like an outsider now and its two against one. I am just irritated when he's here and my husband and I fight..not around him, though. I am just at a loss at what to do..is it just his age or is it me? I want to cry about the way I feel..I love him, but feel he could really do with out me. I really do not know how to get over the constant irritation and frustration I feel when he is around..I almost do not like to be around him..i really hate feeling like this!!
Does mom consistently trash Dad and you?

I ran into problems with my ex's attempt with a girlfriend/fiance/ etc.
Initially, I was freaking happy that he had finally found.........someone else to annoy. She drinks too much. She does. They fight and fued and she becomes an on and off again thing. Currently on. So, when she is around she asserts herself into this mothering role and then something happens and she is gone. She comes in and decides she is going to tell him how to act which is contradictory to my rules, with regards to fighting. I don't think so.

They sign him up for baseball but have no intention of taking him all of the practices, but manage to show up for a game or two. He looks older than he is and a group of kids decided to jack with him. Now, the other parents are there and rather then deal with the parents they tell him that he should do blah, blah, blah. Now, we have a situation where it is the parents that are using the kids as pawns. Again, I don't think so.

This is the way that it breaks down: If something happens at a later point of time and my child is arrested, who goes in and pays for an attorney? Who deals with the courts? Who pays the medical costs? Not her. She can walk at any time. She does not have to. I have to. I am the one in for the long haul.

Now, my circumstances are different. My ex seems to think that a drunk is sexy and wants to spend the rest of his life in hell. He also thinks that he has the right to subject my son to that. Ok. I have a great faith that my son will be intelligent enough at some point to realize exactly what type of father he is. I expect him to be intelligent enough to see exactly what she is worth. I don't have to point that out to my son. Kids are smart like that.

Now, long before I had my son, I had a relationship where the guy had a daughter. She would come down and stay with us and he would leave her home with me and take off to go play. She was angry and felt rejected and took it out on me, because I was available. I began to realize that her father was not going to change his relationship with his daughter or recognize her needs and I felt that the same would happen if we had kids, so I left.

Last edited by Pandamonium; 05-25-2009 at 10:14 AM..
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Old 05-25-2009, 10:13 AM
 
1,425 posts, read 3,526,569 times
Reputation: 2024
Quote:
Originally Posted by jmsnstcy View Post
I am having a really hard time with my step son. He is 7 and I have been in his life since he was 9mo old. His mom does not like me and is constantly letting him know that she is his mother and I am NOT. When he was younger we were really close and she was jealous..and now he seems distant. His dad lets him get away with alot and so I am constantly the "bad guy". He will sulk and his dad gives him his way instead of correcting him. I just feel like an outsider now and its two against one. I am just irritated when he's here and my husband and I fight..not around him, though. I am just at a loss at what to do..is it just his age or is it me? I want to cry about the way I feel..I love him, but feel he could really do with out me. I really do not know how to get over the constant irritation and frustration I feel when he is around..I almost do not like to be around him..i really hate feeling like this!!
It could be his age, but mostly it is him feeling he has to choose you or his biomother. Your DH probably doesn't even realize that him underminding you is creating a biggger rift in your and little boy's relationship. You are probably not as irritated with the boy as you irritated at the situation that he represents. In your mind you need to seperate this boy from all the other stuff. Sit down with your DH and tell him that you feel like an outsider and that you need his help to support you in your place in your home. No, you are not this boy's mother. Everybody knows the situation. Don't feel guilty for how you feel. You are in one of the hardest positions for any person to be in.

Build a relationship with his boy. Find an intrest that you can share with him... even without DH. Stop being the bad guy. Give your DH the responsibility of dicipline. I am not saying let him get away with murder, but let your DH be the one who says, go brush your teeth, go clean your room, eat your vegetables. If you need to, tell you DH that you are giving him this responsibility. Not out of stubbornness or spite, but out of love. You know he wants his son to see that his father cares enough to give him rules.

Let go of the frustration you have in the situation. Take small steps to build your relationship with this boy and don't hold him responsibile for his biomother's attitude towards you.
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Old 05-25-2009, 10:49 AM
 
Location: Germany (US ARMY)
9 posts, read 7,648 times
Reputation: 21
what if the stepchild has clearly no interest in making a relationship with their stepparent work?
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Old 05-25-2009, 04:52 PM
 
1,831 posts, read 3,736,854 times
Reputation: 1222
I agree with the man needing to "man up." He is the one who has the power to stop or curtail the BS. I was once in a relationship like that, and I was resentful. The man also didn't appreciate the things I did for his son, and his son and I began to drift apart. It was like he had no idea how to parent, and he was the custodial parent. And the situation seemed to turn into some sort of competition for the father's love, at least in the son's eyes. His father played right into it. I didn't stick around too long when I saw it wasn't going to work well for me.

Parental maturity is the key here.
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Old 05-26-2009, 04:25 AM
 
Location: NC
484 posts, read 1,177,410 times
Reputation: 400
Quote:
Originally Posted by steelstress View Post
Here's what it comes down to... you are NOT his parent. You are not any kind of authority figure, except for what your husband allows. You are a bystander, yes, even in your own home.

Your stepson's mom hates there's another woman trying mother him, and his dad has guilt for leaving his son, which is why he allows him to get away with a lot. You are only the bad guy if you try to exert any authority. So quit doing it, you're powerless.

This poor kids is caught between 2 separate parents, 2 separate households with 2 separate sets of rules most likely, and taking crap from all the adults in his life. You think you're having a hard time? Put yourself in this kid's shoes.

The only hope for you in this situation is if his parents get on the same page, and that'll probably never happen, so you need to decide if you can live with it.
I agree with some of what you said about the kid caught between two separate parents. Its got to be tough as hell for the kid.

She is an authority figure in her home and should be taught to be respected as such. She is not his mother, but she is still a parent. The Father needs to stick with his wife and also let the child know, that he does understand how hard this is for him, but, his wife she is his STEP MOTHER, and his wife and therefore any disrespect toward her, will in no way, shape or form be tolerated and if does disrespect her, their will be consequences.

I'm sorry, but since when do we teach our children that is okay to to show disrespect and not follow rules of Step parents? I would NEVER put up with my daughter showing my husband, who is her Step Father and disrespect.
She knows better.
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