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Old 05-25-2009, 02:22 PM
 
3 posts, read 12,657 times
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So I am here just asking for some good solid advice, not asking for anything more.

The situation is that I have an eight year old who made friends with a very sweet, well-mannered child in day care...you can say they were joined at the hip from the start. These two have always played well together, no fighting ever.

Well the kid that my child plays with happens to have a sister, ok no big deal if this kid is as well behaved as he is then she may be the same so my daughter asked to have her over as well. I met the mom and she was excited about the play date so both the kids came over and everything was fine, then my daughter comes in crying because the sister pushed her...ok no big deal I go out and talk to her and ask what happend and she starts out with crying and "I didn't do it", which her brother say's "yes you did, your such a liar" so I try to just put it out by telling all of them pushing is not allowed they need to all play nicely or everyone will need to go home.

This has been one of many situations, the little boy is fine there is no issue there what so ever...but since I allowed my daughter to play with his sister I have found out she has no friends,other parents will not allow her near their children and she has been kicked out of day-care for bulling other children.

I made friends with their mother who has said that she has a sensory disorder, which is why she can be rough(Not sure about this) and she has problems hearing which is why she yells alot, this seems to be not true as I can be across the room speaking to her mother and she will yell out something we were quietly discussing. Sounds like she can hear to me.

I have countless times had to intervene or send this kid home because something happens...an altercation, or she will say something mean to my daughter or lie about something

I made my daughter take a break from playing with her and doing this the mother insisted she could not play with the son either as it was not fair to leave the other out...first off my daughter and her son were friends first, second Why should he be punished for his sisters behavior? Third I have tried numerous times to speak to the mother about the behavior of her daughter and I am given ton's of excuses.

I have tried to be fair in all of it, but I am at the point where I think that for the best interest of my daughter this needs to end, but the killer is that she loves her little pal the son and I know she will be devastated. My daughter is eight and he is eight, I can't even get a straight answer on how old her daughter is one time it was 9, then it was my mom says I can say I am 9, but I am really 12. She is in 4th grade and mine is in 2Nd grade. Not sure what to make of that family's dynamics. I know that she is divorced and have met the father of the son(they have different dads) and have thought about speaking to him and arranging play dates through him when his son goes with him since we all live fairly close.

Another thing more recent, we had a BBQ and invited them over, my daughter wanted to play with both of them and asked were the brother was and immediately the daughter of the mom started crying and throwing a tantrum, the mom told her to get over it. She then asked my daughter if she wanted to go get him with her and of course she said yes. Later my daughter came running into our home and said "She (kids sister) said he doesn't even like me and only plays with me cause he has to" I told her well why don't you ask him as he was walking up...mother steps in "whats going on" My daughter proceeds to tell her what was said and the kids sister gets yelled at for lying.
So to make a very long story short later in the day the sister throws another fit comes out tells her little brother he is not playing with my daughter when they go to their house because her mom said so. I intervene and tell her listen you guys are brother and sister you live together if she (my daughter) spends the night she can play with either one of you...mom comes out and gets angry stating "we are leaving, they need naps and I don't need you slamming my daughter"

There was no slamming...and to boot I still let my daughter spend the night...which I truly didn't feel good about, but didn't want to hurt her feelings with the immature BS that seems to be going on.

So am I ok to intervene and stop contact with the daughter and try and arrange play-dates through the son's father?

I really truly have tried everything to be fair, from arranging play dates, taking and having just the girls and then just the son and my daughter, but always ends up the same way she gets mad cause she wants only her and my daughter...which sadly my daughter has said "I only play with her cause if I don't her mom won't let me play with him"....I don't agree with that either, but I get it.

Advice please.
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Old 05-25-2009, 03:40 PM
 
Location: Aurora, Colorado
2,212 posts, read 4,500,534 times
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Wow. Your speaking up should not have come as a surprise to the mother since the daughter has already been kicked out of daycare AND doesn't have any friends. It's not fair for the mom to make your child be friends with her kid if she doesn't want to be.

I'd simply tell the mother that you are not comfortable with your child playing with her daughter. If she tells you that it's either both of them or none of them, then she'll just have to stop playing with the brother. Perhaps when speaking to the mom, you can mention that as your kids get older you can reevaluate the friendship but it's not fair for your daughter to be put in a bad situation just to play with one kid. The sister is not someone she wants to play with.
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Old 05-25-2009, 04:04 PM
 
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So, this other mom is sortof blackmailing you? If you want the son, you have to take the daughter, too?
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Old 05-25-2009, 04:19 PM
 
3 posts, read 12,657 times
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Yeah...you know it sure feels that way. I have tried explaining that because of the age difference it is probably better for her to not play with her daughter...but that is taken as an insult. So I think we will just cut it loose try and arrange play dates through the father.
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Old 05-25-2009, 04:30 PM
 
1,831 posts, read 3,739,133 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FarNorthDallas View Post
So, this other mom is sortof blackmailing you? If you want the son, you have to take the daughter, too?
Yup, that would be my read! That mother knows her daughter doesn't have any friends, so she's trying to force the friendship here -- at the expense of her son.

To the OP, I recently had a somewhat similar situation. My son has disabilities but is social with other kids. He made friends with a schoolmate (also disabled) who has a lot of issues. The boy is very quick to get very aggressive with other kids. He has lost friends because of this. He has a brother who is a sweetie, but my son's friend is so jealous of this brother that if the little one says a word to my son, big brother will physically attack him. During an ill-fated playdate at my home, my son's friend attacked his brother twice. The second time, I had to grab the boy off of his brother. The little brother and my daughter get along very well. I haven't hosted another playdate since (I won't even go into the myriad other things that happened, including my daughter being hurt by this boy).

Anyway, I did allow my son to go over the other child's house for playdates. Then they both attended a day camp during a school break. Well, the friend attacked my son, and that was it. My son said the friendship was over. The next time the parent called for a playdate, I declined. Unless we schedule something where both parents are there, then no more playdates. Sometimes, parents want and even insist on normal situations for their not-so-normal children, and the kids just can't handle it.

Not trying to hijack this thread, but I can understand where you are coming from. It's one thing if the child is out of control, but it's quite another thing if the parent can't control the child and is defensive. It's not easy being the parent of a very difficult, aggressive child, but your own children come first. Your daughter will have to make some other friends, unfortunately.

Side note: If you arrange the playdates through the father, you may very well be opening a can of worms, given how the mother acts.
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Old 05-25-2009, 04:33 PM
 
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Sounds like that mother is using her son as bait to get kids to play with her daughter, and from here, it looks like this isn't the first time that has happened.

I would make the playdates with the boy's father and leave the mother and sister completely out of the relationship. Too much drama there.
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Old 05-25-2009, 05:49 PM
 
6,585 posts, read 22,409,761 times
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Well, since it's a daycare buddy, won't the boys' friendship end soon anyway? Are they in the same grade school? Sometimes it's better to just hang in there until the natural end of the friendship and sometimes it's better to cut off the whole thing, even the good to get rid of the bad. I would not want my daughter playing with that much older girl - I mean, we don't even know how old she is, right?

The mom sounds like she is a taco short of an enchilada platter - going behind her back to the dad to set up boy playtime might aggravate the situation.

I say cut bait.
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Old 05-25-2009, 06:33 PM
 
Location: Australia
1,492 posts, read 2,659,818 times
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It must be heartbreaking for the mom to have to deal with the problems and I bet the kid (the girl) probably feels like crap but does not know why or how to change or how to deal with it.

So firstly, I think have plenty of 1 on 1 type play time between your kid and their original friend.

Keep talking to the other mom.
Have the occasional play time with the painful sister but keep it supervised and keep it structured and keep it short.
I would think that talk to the kid about what is appropriate and not appropriate and be gently on their case. Choose one or two really anoying behaviours and work on them. In my view carrot and stick. Absolutely praise when they behave right, distract when they do wrong and punish or atleast withdraw them if they keep doing wrong.

Well thats my opinion.
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Old 05-25-2009, 08:01 PM
 
47,576 posts, read 58,792,170 times
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I think you should be up front with the mother and you understand that she's having problems with the girl and you'd like to help but can't let your daughter get the brunt of it. Tell her flat out she's being very unfair to her son and that he doesn't need to be punished for his sister's problems.

You might point out to her that punishing him because his sister has problems getting along could lead him to resent her and that resentment could grow and become a big problem.
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Old 05-25-2009, 08:23 PM
 
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I agree with aidxen that the mother must be at wit's end, and the suggestions are right on target. Somebody has to start fixing that bullying girl, but it may be too much for the OP to handle.

If that girl is really 12, that is kind of old for an 8 or 9 year old to be playing with. There is a lot of development that goes on between the two ages, and a friendship should be managed carefully if it is to occur.

I would still go through the father and keep the friendship between the boy and your daughter.
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